Oh I've been neglecting this blog for ages. I really shouldn't, cos I should write. More and more. If I ever intend to become a columnist. A freelance writer.
Sigh. I sigh a lot. I have no idea what the future holds, I have no particular plans. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. It sucks when self-doubt sets in. Sometimes parents do that. They make you question your abilities. Sometimes you do it to yourself.
There's so much I wanna do, you know. Much that I can envision myself doing. Baking, cooking, drawing, crafting... I wanna spend time drawing again, finish my unfinished projects. But it just seems pointless since I won't be showing it or have a chance to do that. And these days I wake up at 2pm, all groggy and heavy-lidded. I don't know why no matter what time I sleep, I keep waking up at 2 now, it's weird. It seems like, if I wake at one time for one day, for the other days I'll wake up at that certain time or near that certain time until I manage to finally get out of that schedule... It's weird la.
Sigh. But yeah, I would like to draw again... and read. Haven't been skimming through my books lately too. Blame it on my Prison Break mania. I can't help it. It's too good. I admit it has its flaws, but Wentworth Miller definitely makes up for it. Hell yeah he's HOT. Anyway. The thing is, I can't seem to indulge in drawing and reading at the same period. Once I'm in a book, I refrain from doing anything else. It's probably cos I'm a lousy multi-tasker. So since I have this whole bunch of books sitting prettily on my shelf imploring to be read, I've been reading, then taking a few days break, then reading again... so I haven't been tapping into my drawing skills lately. At all. And I kinda feel guilty bcos of that, it's like I'm ignoring or neglecting a part of me. It's an essential part of me.
Sigh. There's so much I can do, but here I am bumming around the house. Not doing much. I could learn how to cook, how to bake, but I'm just this unmotivated blob of human flesh. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just die since I don't seem to do anything anyway... my death won't bring much of an impact.
I ramble on and on and on... and I don't seem to do anything about it, do I? I seem to be running in circles. I suck. I know. I hope this 'I suck' thing will cease once I start studying again, once I have some real purpose, you know, something to focus on. I hope that I'll have much to occupy my time with so I won't even have a chance to catch a breath, much less whine and bitch. I know that probably won't happen but a girl can hope, aight?
To start studying again... hmm I'm not sure how I feel about that. It just seems ages ago that I studied. When in truth it's just a few months. Time really flies. And I have a really short memory. I've been thinking, about extra-curricular activities. About what I should take. Perhaps dancing. Belly dancing. Pole dancing. Those really interest me. Or jazz, contemporary etc... man, it's just after having watched 'So You Think You Can Dance'... every dance is sexy and hot. Other than dancing, maybe write for a newsletter or something, if there's one, to hone my writing skills (what writing skills?? You ask). And surprisingly, acting has crossed my mind. Prison Break has something to do with this too. Wouldn't it be great to immerse yourself in this totally new environment and be another person. Wouldn't it be fun to build rapport with other actors, showing it on stage or on screen... To let yourself believe that you and the character is one and you feel what he/she should feel, making it so real you affect the viewers, touch their hearts, making them shed a tear with you... it's kinda... surreal.
Sigh. I sigh a lot. Damn a lot.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Mismatched Earrings
A lot can be told by looking at my pair of mismatched earrings. Like what? You ask..
That I'm incongruous.
That I'm searching.. for that pair of earrings that were made for me. My perfect pair.
That I wanna stand out, but not too much.
That I strive to be interesting, which further proves that I'm as colorful as your Chemistry teacher.
That I intend to be different, even though being different is what everyone else wants to do, hence I'm back at square one.
That I dislike norms, although I conform to them.
That I try to make a statement, but what statement is that.. I have no idea.
That there are many sides of me. Some of which I have yet to discover.
That I feel unbalanced.. just like how a sphere would complement a square.
That no, I wasn't in a rush, I did it on purpose.
That every part of me is asymmetrical.
That I wanna be what I can't be. Not just yet.
Oh yes, a lot can be told by a pair of mismatched earrings. If you even notice such paltry things.
That I'm incongruous.
That I'm searching.. for that pair of earrings that were made for me. My perfect pair.
That I wanna stand out, but not too much.
That I strive to be interesting, which further proves that I'm as colorful as your Chemistry teacher.
That I intend to be different, even though being different is what everyone else wants to do, hence I'm back at square one.
That I dislike norms, although I conform to them.
That I try to make a statement, but what statement is that.. I have no idea.
That there are many sides of me. Some of which I have yet to discover.
That I feel unbalanced.. just like how a sphere would complement a square.
That no, I wasn't in a rush, I did it on purpose.
That every part of me is asymmetrical.
That I wanna be what I can't be. Not just yet.
Oh yes, a lot can be told by a pair of mismatched earrings. If you even notice such paltry things.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Hi, I'm bs and I'm a Xenophobic
Call me xenophobic if you will, I'm just not that into people. The word 'hate' might seem too harsh, but sometimes it nears there, when I'm particularly angsty or afflicted with PMS. Speaking about PMS, I seem to have been having it forever, but I haven't had my period yet. Maybe P does stands for perpetual/perennial after all, huh.
An example of my phobia occurs when relatives come to stay over. Be it for one night or week, I'll be itching for them to leave pronto. Why? Cause they'll be sleeping in my room. I feel as if that's an invasion of my privacy, as I like to be alone in my room reading, drawing or watching tv at night, till the wee hours of next morning. With the presence of another being in my space(starting to feel possessive), I instantly feel agitated and uncomfortable. Save for some rare occasions like when I'm watching Desperate Housewives, I actually hope my bro's present so we can laugh out loud together during those funny moments.
So when they're over, it's like my life is disrupted. I don't even get to lie on my bed and read in fear of 'disturbing their sleep'. I guess I'm just not a fan of changes. When I'm in a comfort zone, I plonk my ass there so hard that I don't wanna leave. That's not really a good trait. My aunt came to stay for a few days, and her 'little stay' protracted to over a week due to unforeseen circumstances. Needless to say, I was dying for her to leave.
I think, that I have adverse reactions to prolonged contact with people. Xenophobic is probably an understatement. Maybe that's why I feel as if I need to get away from my family. I'm getting sick of my father's voice. Like, real sick. I don't even wanna answer him or be near him cos when that speaking orifice of his opens, you betcha it'll be open for a long loooong time. But that's a rant for another post.
It seems, that I can't be with another person for too long or I'll just get sick of him/her. I think this happened to me and my BFF, but luckily things looked up. And now we're still BFF. If I lost a friendship just cos of my darn foible, that would really have sucked.
Ergo, I'm just not a good friend. Like that, how to be good girlfriend? Aiyoo... don't tell me I'm gonna be a virgin my whole life. Ok, I think I lost the plot there. Must be due to current state of somnolence, which is weird cos I was abnormally sleepy the whole day. Probably because of the weather (blame game).
And what IS with the fucked up weather huh? Absolutely sweltering the whole day. How long will this last? When mankind finally do something about global warming? Ok, that would be.... NEVER. Stupid heat make me sweat and reek like some pathetic lil' gym sock. The problem is, I perspire real easily, and my hormone fluctuations make me stink (at least, that's what I think). It could also be that I'm a born stinker *shrug*.
This post was actually pointless. I just missed blogging, that's all.
An example of my phobia occurs when relatives come to stay over. Be it for one night or week, I'll be itching for them to leave pronto. Why? Cause they'll be sleeping in my room. I feel as if that's an invasion of my privacy, as I like to be alone in my room reading, drawing or watching tv at night, till the wee hours of next morning. With the presence of another being in my space(starting to feel possessive), I instantly feel agitated and uncomfortable. Save for some rare occasions like when I'm watching Desperate Housewives, I actually hope my bro's present so we can laugh out loud together during those funny moments.
So when they're over, it's like my life is disrupted. I don't even get to lie on my bed and read in fear of 'disturbing their sleep'. I guess I'm just not a fan of changes. When I'm in a comfort zone, I plonk my ass there so hard that I don't wanna leave. That's not really a good trait. My aunt came to stay for a few days, and her 'little stay' protracted to over a week due to unforeseen circumstances. Needless to say, I was dying for her to leave.
I think, that I have adverse reactions to prolonged contact with people. Xenophobic is probably an understatement. Maybe that's why I feel as if I need to get away from my family. I'm getting sick of my father's voice. Like, real sick. I don't even wanna answer him or be near him cos when that speaking orifice of his opens, you betcha it'll be open for a long loooong time. But that's a rant for another post.
It seems, that I can't be with another person for too long or I'll just get sick of him/her. I think this happened to me and my BFF, but luckily things looked up. And now we're still BFF. If I lost a friendship just cos of my darn foible, that would really have sucked.
Ergo, I'm just not a good friend. Like that, how to be good girlfriend? Aiyoo... don't tell me I'm gonna be a virgin my whole life. Ok, I think I lost the plot there. Must be due to current state of somnolence, which is weird cos I was abnormally sleepy the whole day. Probably because of the weather (blame game).
And what IS with the fucked up weather huh? Absolutely sweltering the whole day. How long will this last? When mankind finally do something about global warming? Ok, that would be.... NEVER. Stupid heat make me sweat and reek like some pathetic lil' gym sock. The problem is, I perspire real easily, and my hormone fluctuations make me stink (at least, that's what I think). It could also be that I'm a born stinker *shrug*.
This post was actually pointless. I just missed blogging, that's all.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Happiness?
True happiness. That's what all of us want. That's basically our common desire. All we want is to be happy, is that really too much to ask for?
After many nights of crying myself to sleep and waking up with swollen eyes the next morning, I've concluded that to attain happiness, true fulfilling contentment, one must first achieve inner peace. One must be at peace with oneself. But how to? I fear that inner peace will forever elude me, taunt me, mock me.
To feel happy, you must be happy with yourself. Because that's the foundation of achieving more, to let other emotions flow in. Other people can't bring you down, only if you're satisfied with who you are, and what you have become. I think, this inner peace is rare, as people will always find fault in themselves, find it hard to forgive themselves and will certainly think back on past mistakes, eventually reopening old wounds. This inner equilibrium is, in my opinion, the key to living life to the fullest.
At the end of the day, other problems may be solved, can be solved no matter how insurmountable they seem. People you dislike, you may choose to ignore them but at the end of the day, you have to face yourself. It's hard to run away from yourself. It's impossible. When you look into the mirror and you see someone you loathe, there's no way that happiness will arrive.
It's hard to feel happy, to feel anything else, when all you have is self-hatred and resentment. It's literally like building an impenetrable wall around you, and all that's left is the vacillation between loneliness and numbness. And you don't know how to reach out, because you've long lost the ability to, or maybe you couldn't in the first place, and that's why you ended up in the confinement that is your empty heart.
At times, the feel of the sharp kitchen blade against your skin feels.... tempting. In your mind, you see yourself stabbing your heart with it repetitively, and all you feel is dull pain, as if you're anesthetized. You can't feel anymore, and you hate yourself even more for being so weak... so vulnerable. The path is long and seemingly forlorn and perpetual. It looks like, you're the only one on it, searching fruitlessly for a hint of bright light, unsure of how much longer you can hold on.
You know you're pathetic, when all you can do is talk to yourself about how you feel. And that doesn't help much, since your inner demon will always remind you that you built your own cell. You yearn for a comforting shoulder to cry on and you try to dream one up. In the morning, you realize it was just a pillow that you were hugging. That pillow seems like the only thing that's willing to share your endless streams of hot tears, cos you know that it wont get sick of your whining.
It's so lonely... on this path. It's so hard... growing up. It's just tiring... to live.
Sigh.
Happiness... where are you?
After many nights of crying myself to sleep and waking up with swollen eyes the next morning, I've concluded that to attain happiness, true fulfilling contentment, one must first achieve inner peace. One must be at peace with oneself. But how to? I fear that inner peace will forever elude me, taunt me, mock me.
To feel happy, you must be happy with yourself. Because that's the foundation of achieving more, to let other emotions flow in. Other people can't bring you down, only if you're satisfied with who you are, and what you have become. I think, this inner peace is rare, as people will always find fault in themselves, find it hard to forgive themselves and will certainly think back on past mistakes, eventually reopening old wounds. This inner equilibrium is, in my opinion, the key to living life to the fullest.
At the end of the day, other problems may be solved, can be solved no matter how insurmountable they seem. People you dislike, you may choose to ignore them but at the end of the day, you have to face yourself. It's hard to run away from yourself. It's impossible. When you look into the mirror and you see someone you loathe, there's no way that happiness will arrive.
It's hard to feel happy, to feel anything else, when all you have is self-hatred and resentment. It's literally like building an impenetrable wall around you, and all that's left is the vacillation between loneliness and numbness. And you don't know how to reach out, because you've long lost the ability to, or maybe you couldn't in the first place, and that's why you ended up in the confinement that is your empty heart.
At times, the feel of the sharp kitchen blade against your skin feels.... tempting. In your mind, you see yourself stabbing your heart with it repetitively, and all you feel is dull pain, as if you're anesthetized. You can't feel anymore, and you hate yourself even more for being so weak... so vulnerable. The path is long and seemingly forlorn and perpetual. It looks like, you're the only one on it, searching fruitlessly for a hint of bright light, unsure of how much longer you can hold on.
You know you're pathetic, when all you can do is talk to yourself about how you feel. And that doesn't help much, since your inner demon will always remind you that you built your own cell. You yearn for a comforting shoulder to cry on and you try to dream one up. In the morning, you realize it was just a pillow that you were hugging. That pillow seems like the only thing that's willing to share your endless streams of hot tears, cos you know that it wont get sick of your whining.
It's so lonely... on this path. It's so hard... growing up. It's just tiring... to live.
Sigh.
Happiness... where are you?
Friday, February 16, 2007
My Name is Eduardo, Babeh! II
Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore... she jumped from behind the shadows and pounced on Eduardo.
Clumsily, they tumbled to the floor, face down. 'Ooofh!' Eduardo said as the air in his lungs rushed out of him. Gaining his senses, he turned around, ready to defend himself.
'Helena!' Shocked out of his wits, he didn't know what to do except to gawk at her.
'SUR-PRIIISE!!!!' Still in a daze, Eduardo thought he heard two voices shouting. One was without a doubt Helena's, another was sonorous and strangely familiar....
Realizing that the thing was probably still reaching for him, he looked up. To see it pull its face out. Preparing to scream, his voice was caught in his throat when...
'Eh? Joseph? What the-?'
Joseph, all six feet of him, was shaking with laughter. Helena joined him, holding her stomach as if she had cramps. Eduardo glanced back and forth, totally confused, until he saw the mask that Joseph was holding. At last, realization dawned upon him. Then he too, burst out in laughter till tears rolled down his cheeks.
Gasping for breath, he said to Helena,'That was some Valentine's Day gift!!' Helena nodded with high frequency, exclaiming, 'Yeah! I know!!' her high pitched laughter echoed throughout the study. 'Happy Belated Valentine's Day, honey!'
When the three of them finally calmed down, Joseph said,'Boy, you should have seen the look on your face. I was surprised you didn't wet yourself! You surprised me when you said you had a new idea for your book!!'
Helena chipped in,' You know, I would have donned the mask myself, but given my small frame, I doubt you would have felt for it...'
'Hahaha.... good thinking! Man, you really got me there!' Eduardo said.
'Well,' Joseph straightened his hair and shirt, his piercing hazel eyes focused on Eduardo 'guess I better leave you two love birds alone now eh...' he winked.
Eduardo and Helena walked him to the door. Before leaving, Joseph left his words of wisdom for the day. ' Have a great time, kids!'
Chuckling to themselves, Eduardo and Helena turned to face each other and wrapped their arms around each other's waist. Helena leaned forward and tried to kiss Eduardo when he broke the silence by asking ,'Hey babe..... where the hell did you get that mask? It was so fucking real!'
Helena smiled while thinking: Sigh, he's never been a romantic....
This, some people would say...eccentric couple met four years ago. Helena was a florist, and business was slow when Eduardo strutted in her shop donning a dark red velvet cape. Of course, he caught Helena's attention right away. There stood in front of her, a thin lanky guy wearing a black T-shirt, over-sized jeans and a ... a cape? He wasn't terribly dashing, his face was a little pock marked and eyebrows a tad too bushy. But somehow, Helena couldn't take her eyes off him. It was his eyes.... she thought. Those long lashes and dreamy eyes...
Helena asked tentatively, 'Erm... how may I help you?' Truth was, he hadn't came in to buy flowers, but he just had writer's block. What the hell does that have to do with anything? You ask. Well, Eduardo liked to do weird things when the dreaded writer's block hit him. To get inspiration. To just be spontaneous and let his creative juices flow again. Once, he wore a garish green wig, put on his black Elvis Presley costume (he fave colour was black) and danced around town. In the streets, the supermarket, in the library.... everywhere people thought he was cuckoo. Nobody recognized him, cos frankly nobody knew how the great-author-of-gruesome-novels looked like. He used the pseudonym 'Mama's Boy', just for the heck of it.
So, most of the time his escapades worked out and he'll be bombarded by ideas at the end of the day. And for this purpose, his closet was filled with a plethora of funky costumes, wigs and accessories. His cleaning lady, Martha was amused, but knew him well enough not to say anything.
That day, again he got stuck with his plot and hadn't a clue how to go on, thus he rummaged through his closet and finally decided on his vampire costume. Though he did not want to scare people.... he thought. Because his skin was really fair and there were menacing dark circles under his eyes, he figured some kids might even mistake him as a real vampire. Ergo, he forgone the rest and just went for the cape. He was strutting down the pavement (like he owned the damn street) and went into Helena's shop on a whim.
And there he was standing in front of Helena, at loss for words. 'Er.... hi, I'm Ed... Eduardo' he stammered. 'And... I'm Helena...' Helena was contemplating if she should just get her pepper spray just in case. Eduardo thought of dancing again but he didn't want to embarrass himself. No, not in front of her.... Mutual attraction was in the air albeit both of them didn't know at that time. With her crazy scraggly hair and glitter green smoky eyes, it was as if she didn't care but still she looked good to Eduardo. He appraised her surreptitiously, taking notice of her grey corset top and pink shawl tied at her waist. The rest of her he couldn't see because she was standing behind the counter. Not the best combo in the world, but hey! I'm digging it! There's something unique about her...
Unexpectedly, Mr. Dreamy Eyes blurted, 'So, have a good day.' and turned around. Then, he figured it would be rude not to buy anything so he turned again and said, 'On second thought, I'd like to buy a dozen roses...'
From that day onwards, he came to her shop almost every day, buying a stalk if feeling frugal, or a bouquet when in the mood for generosity. In normal attire, of course. Soon enough, they became acquainted and Helena found herself expecting Eduardo's company impatiently every day. As a result, Eduardo's house was filled to the brim with roses, lilies, sunflowers etc which gave Martha a hard time. She was fully aware of what was going on, cos well, nothing escapes her, and felt happy for her employer but just wished he wouldn't forbid her to throw away those flowers. Not until they withered.
After 5 months, he finally asked her to be his girlfriend. It was evident that Eduardo wasn't the most romantic person in the world, seeing that he frequented mamak stalls with Helena. Still, she was in love with him, and they both loved the gross, ugly and eccentric. Thus it became some sort of tradition for Helena to figure out ways to scare the crap outta Eduardo every February the 15th, because she couldn't do it on Valentine's Day as it was the busiest and most profitable day ever. It was Helena's gift to Eduardo - good scares - and she had fun doing it. Though Eduardo refused to celebrate, he deemed it as over-commercialised and blood-sucking. He wasn't a romantic, after all.
Again, Martha was aware of this and just rolled her eyes and chuckled when Eduardo fell for Helena's tricks 'Aigh, what a silly couple...' Eduardo always forgets about February the 15th, he's such a workaholic. Martha mused.
Back to the present, Martha was watching from a corner at the couple hugging each other at the waist. 'Kiss her... kiss her...' she whispered vehemently. She shook her head in disappointment when Eduardo spoiled the moment. 'That boy really needs some help, maybe I should teach him how to please the lady, huh?'
Clumsily, they tumbled to the floor, face down. 'Ooofh!' Eduardo said as the air in his lungs rushed out of him. Gaining his senses, he turned around, ready to defend himself.
'Helena!' Shocked out of his wits, he didn't know what to do except to gawk at her.
'SUR-PRIIISE!!!!' Still in a daze, Eduardo thought he heard two voices shouting. One was without a doubt Helena's, another was sonorous and strangely familiar....
Realizing that the thing was probably still reaching for him, he looked up. To see it pull its face out. Preparing to scream, his voice was caught in his throat when...
'Eh? Joseph? What the-?'
Joseph, all six feet of him, was shaking with laughter. Helena joined him, holding her stomach as if she had cramps. Eduardo glanced back and forth, totally confused, until he saw the mask that Joseph was holding. At last, realization dawned upon him. Then he too, burst out in laughter till tears rolled down his cheeks.
Gasping for breath, he said to Helena,'That was some Valentine's Day gift!!' Helena nodded with high frequency, exclaiming, 'Yeah! I know!!' her high pitched laughter echoed throughout the study. 'Happy Belated Valentine's Day, honey!'
When the three of them finally calmed down, Joseph said,'Boy, you should have seen the look on your face. I was surprised you didn't wet yourself! You surprised me when you said you had a new idea for your book!!'
Helena chipped in,' You know, I would have donned the mask myself, but given my small frame, I doubt you would have felt for it...'
'Hahaha.... good thinking! Man, you really got me there!' Eduardo said.
'Well,' Joseph straightened his hair and shirt, his piercing hazel eyes focused on Eduardo 'guess I better leave you two love birds alone now eh...' he winked.
Eduardo and Helena walked him to the door. Before leaving, Joseph left his words of wisdom for the day. ' Have a great time, kids!'
Chuckling to themselves, Eduardo and Helena turned to face each other and wrapped their arms around each other's waist. Helena leaned forward and tried to kiss Eduardo when he broke the silence by asking ,'Hey babe..... where the hell did you get that mask? It was so fucking real!'
Helena smiled while thinking: Sigh, he's never been a romantic....
This, some people would say...eccentric couple met four years ago. Helena was a florist, and business was slow when Eduardo strutted in her shop donning a dark red velvet cape. Of course, he caught Helena's attention right away. There stood in front of her, a thin lanky guy wearing a black T-shirt, over-sized jeans and a ... a cape? He wasn't terribly dashing, his face was a little pock marked and eyebrows a tad too bushy. But somehow, Helena couldn't take her eyes off him. It was his eyes.... she thought. Those long lashes and dreamy eyes...
Helena asked tentatively, 'Erm... how may I help you?' Truth was, he hadn't came in to buy flowers, but he just had writer's block. What the hell does that have to do with anything? You ask. Well, Eduardo liked to do weird things when the dreaded writer's block hit him. To get inspiration. To just be spontaneous and let his creative juices flow again. Once, he wore a garish green wig, put on his black Elvis Presley costume (he fave colour was black) and danced around town. In the streets, the supermarket, in the library.... everywhere people thought he was cuckoo. Nobody recognized him, cos frankly nobody knew how the great-author-of-gruesome-novels looked like. He used the pseudonym 'Mama's Boy', just for the heck of it.
So, most of the time his escapades worked out and he'll be bombarded by ideas at the end of the day. And for this purpose, his closet was filled with a plethora of funky costumes, wigs and accessories. His cleaning lady, Martha was amused, but knew him well enough not to say anything.
That day, again he got stuck with his plot and hadn't a clue how to go on, thus he rummaged through his closet and finally decided on his vampire costume. Though he did not want to scare people.... he thought. Because his skin was really fair and there were menacing dark circles under his eyes, he figured some kids might even mistake him as a real vampire. Ergo, he forgone the rest and just went for the cape. He was strutting down the pavement (like he owned the damn street) and went into Helena's shop on a whim.
And there he was standing in front of Helena, at loss for words. 'Er.... hi, I'm Ed... Eduardo' he stammered. 'And... I'm Helena...' Helena was contemplating if she should just get her pepper spray just in case. Eduardo thought of dancing again but he didn't want to embarrass himself. No, not in front of her.... Mutual attraction was in the air albeit both of them didn't know at that time. With her crazy scraggly hair and glitter green smoky eyes, it was as if she didn't care but still she looked good to Eduardo. He appraised her surreptitiously, taking notice of her grey corset top and pink shawl tied at her waist. The rest of her he couldn't see because she was standing behind the counter. Not the best combo in the world, but hey! I'm digging it! There's something unique about her...
Unexpectedly, Mr. Dreamy Eyes blurted, 'So, have a good day.' and turned around. Then, he figured it would be rude not to buy anything so he turned again and said, 'On second thought, I'd like to buy a dozen roses...'
From that day onwards, he came to her shop almost every day, buying a stalk if feeling frugal, or a bouquet when in the mood for generosity. In normal attire, of course. Soon enough, they became acquainted and Helena found herself expecting Eduardo's company impatiently every day. As a result, Eduardo's house was filled to the brim with roses, lilies, sunflowers etc which gave Martha a hard time. She was fully aware of what was going on, cos well, nothing escapes her, and felt happy for her employer but just wished he wouldn't forbid her to throw away those flowers. Not until they withered.
After 5 months, he finally asked her to be his girlfriend. It was evident that Eduardo wasn't the most romantic person in the world, seeing that he frequented mamak stalls with Helena. Still, she was in love with him, and they both loved the gross, ugly and eccentric. Thus it became some sort of tradition for Helena to figure out ways to scare the crap outta Eduardo every February the 15th, because she couldn't do it on Valentine's Day as it was the busiest and most profitable day ever. It was Helena's gift to Eduardo - good scares - and she had fun doing it. Though Eduardo refused to celebrate, he deemed it as over-commercialised and blood-sucking. He wasn't a romantic, after all.
Again, Martha was aware of this and just rolled her eyes and chuckled when Eduardo fell for Helena's tricks 'Aigh, what a silly couple...' Eduardo always forgets about February the 15th, he's such a workaholic. Martha mused.
Back to the present, Martha was watching from a corner at the couple hugging each other at the waist. 'Kiss her... kiss her...' she whispered vehemently. She shook her head in disappointment when Eduardo spoiled the moment. 'That boy really needs some help, maybe I should teach him how to please the lady, huh?'
Thursday, February 15, 2007
My Name is Eduardo, Babeh!
It was a dark, stormy night..... (omg so cheesy)
Eduardo stretched his arms upward, yawning. He was exhausted. Of course I am, it's 3 fucking a.m. already, he surmised. Sitting in his study,he glanced around at his dark mahogany bureau, carpeted parquet floor, the comfy couch that sat in the corner, ever so inviting. With only his table lamp on, the space was cast with amorphous shadows, giving it an eerie atmosphere. But he liked it this way, only me and the world, that's what he thought during these ungodly hours trying to finish his work, or just reading a really gripping novel. No one else was awake, granting him freedom to do whatever he fancied. No one else...
Or so he thought.
Relaxing on his cushioned chair, he put his feet on the bureau and his hands behind his head. Grinning, he closed his eyes trying to just savour this quiet moment. His thoughts wandered off...
What was that? That thud?
Eduardo jolted and opened his eyes. Did I just hear something?
No of course not silly, it's just your mind playing tricks on you. Again.
Yeah... this ain't the first time huh? he chuckled.
Eduardo always had a crazy imagination. Since he was a child, he came up with wild stories of ghouls, trolls and genies and later during puberty it was psychos, murderers and maniacs. Teachers thought he had a morbid mind and stayed away. But at the end of the day, he was just like any other teenager, insecure, awkward, misunderstood. He merely had a quirky imagination.
And last time it gave him trouble was last fortnight, when he mistook a misplaced mannequin as a burglar (or professional assassin, his mind told him. Though the mind didn't give a reason as to why anyone would wanna get rid of him permanently) during his late night venture to get some instant noodles. Poor mannequin, it was battered countless times by a baseball bat and was barely recognizable at the end of its ordeal. These sort of 'incidents', as his cleaning lady called it, happened quite frequently, no thanks to his over active imagination and his fondness of late night instant noodles.
Oh yes, his dear imagination. It gave him hell during his teenage years, he was constantly being laughed at for his suspicions that Mr. Gomez (Physics teacher) was actually a spy, what with his glacial demeanour and cool shades. And not to forget, his odd short visits to Mrs. Prudence's (Art teacher) office. He always came out satisfied, with a smirk on his face. Like he discovered some top secret or something or busted some crime mastermind or.... Observant little Eduardo thought they were clandestine meetings to discuss government secrets. It turned out that he was actually -ahem- having an affair with dear old prim Mrs. Prudence. He realised later, not without some disgust, that that smirk, was lecherously so, not cos he saved the world or anything.
Eduardo dug into his thoughts, how did the principal found out about their affair? Oh yeah, he was caught red handed (Literally, he smeared red paint all over her -ooof, he was going for dirty that time!-) by the gym teacher. The gym teacher (can't remember his name) was decent enough to wait for them to finish climaxing, before running toget his video camera inform the principal. Of course, the shameful couple was fired on the spot. "Heh, who knew Physics and Art could get along so well huh?" That was the standing joke in the school for a long long time...
But who's having the last laugh now huh? He thought with pleasure. Now, his trouble causing visualization was his source of income. Equipped with his imagination, he went on to write dozens of novels, all with different extents of morbidness, all critically acclaimed best sellers. He didn't even have to go to college, he started with his first paperback right after graduation. Innocent and wide-eyed, he was rejected by a few unappreciative publications (Dumb asses, they were too near sighted to see my potential, thought that Malaysian readers weren't "ready" for my level of grotesque-ness yet..what the fuck was that supposed to mean?) but his story was snatched by one and the rest was history. Fresh and gruesomely interesting, his novels were widely published and promoted. Very soon, the big bucks came in.
Thud! Creeeak....
Snapped back into reality, Eduardo was wondering whether it wasn't his imagination after all.
Oh my God! A burglar! A real one!
His mind swirled with scenarios of his death. He was, after all a writer.
Before he had time to react, the shadow at the corner of his eye moved swiftly towards him. Eduardo heard water dripping from the assailant's hat, its crash to the floor muffled by the carpet. For a second, just a second, his ears were tuned to those drips and the sound of the assailant's boots against the floor.
Eduardo turned around to face him, gasping in horror at the same time. It was not a face that stared back at him, but a thing with ghastly sunken grey eyes, sallow cheeks, with flesh slipping off its forehead and jaw, revealing more decaying flesh infested with fat pulsating worms, no nose was present, not even an orifice. It was a corpse. No, a zombie.
Its mouth pulled back into a malicious grin. Eduardo could smell its putrid stench getting stronger and stronger. He was frightened, but captivated at the same time, staring at the thing that resembled creatures he sometimes wrote about, only this time... it was real. It actually exists. Feeling nauseous and light headed, he tried to run but unsurprisingly his feet were rooted to the ground, just like in nightmares.
That's it. This must be a dream! I must have fell asleep! Come on.... wake up now...! he convinced himself fervently.
Barely inches away now... the figure reached out for Eduardo. He shut his eyes tightly, preparing to face his death. Tata world, tata Helena.... dear Helena..
Suddenly.... a thought came to him. His eyes opened.
'Wow! I have an idea for a new book!' he exclaimed to well, either himself or that thing reaching out for him.
Crouching behind the bureau, hidden within the shadows, a woman rolled her eyes and sighed, 'Eduardo, once a writer, always a writer....'
(To be continued......*)
*depends on mood
Eduardo stretched his arms upward, yawning. He was exhausted. Of course I am, it's 3 fucking a.m. already, he surmised. Sitting in his study,he glanced around at his dark mahogany bureau, carpeted parquet floor, the comfy couch that sat in the corner, ever so inviting. With only his table lamp on, the space was cast with amorphous shadows, giving it an eerie atmosphere. But he liked it this way, only me and the world, that's what he thought during these ungodly hours trying to finish his work, or just reading a really gripping novel. No one else was awake, granting him freedom to do whatever he fancied. No one else...
Or so he thought.
Relaxing on his cushioned chair, he put his feet on the bureau and his hands behind his head. Grinning, he closed his eyes trying to just savour this quiet moment. His thoughts wandered off...
What was that? That thud?
Eduardo jolted and opened his eyes. Did I just hear something?
No of course not silly, it's just your mind playing tricks on you. Again.
Yeah... this ain't the first time huh? he chuckled.
Eduardo always had a crazy imagination. Since he was a child, he came up with wild stories of ghouls, trolls and genies and later during puberty it was psychos, murderers and maniacs. Teachers thought he had a morbid mind and stayed away. But at the end of the day, he was just like any other teenager, insecure, awkward, misunderstood. He merely had a quirky imagination.
And last time it gave him trouble was last fortnight, when he mistook a misplaced mannequin as a burglar (or professional assassin, his mind told him. Though the mind didn't give a reason as to why anyone would wanna get rid of him permanently) during his late night venture to get some instant noodles. Poor mannequin, it was battered countless times by a baseball bat and was barely recognizable at the end of its ordeal. These sort of 'incidents', as his cleaning lady called it, happened quite frequently, no thanks to his over active imagination and his fondness of late night instant noodles.
Oh yes, his dear imagination. It gave him hell during his teenage years, he was constantly being laughed at for his suspicions that Mr. Gomez (Physics teacher) was actually a spy, what with his glacial demeanour and cool shades. And not to forget, his odd short visits to Mrs. Prudence's (Art teacher) office. He always came out satisfied, with a smirk on his face. Like he discovered some top secret or something or busted some crime mastermind or.... Observant little Eduardo thought they were clandestine meetings to discuss government secrets. It turned out that he was actually -ahem- having an affair with dear old prim Mrs. Prudence. He realised later, not without some disgust, that that smirk, was lecherously so, not cos he saved the world or anything.
Eduardo dug into his thoughts, how did the principal found out about their affair? Oh yeah, he was caught red handed (Literally, he smeared red paint all over her -ooof, he was going for dirty that time!-) by the gym teacher. The gym teacher (can't remember his name) was decent enough to wait for them to finish climaxing, before running to
But who's having the last laugh now huh? He thought with pleasure. Now, his trouble causing visualization was his source of income. Equipped with his imagination, he went on to write dozens of novels, all with different extents of morbidness, all critically acclaimed best sellers. He didn't even have to go to college, he started with his first paperback right after graduation. Innocent and wide-eyed, he was rejected by a few unappreciative publications (Dumb asses, they were too near sighted to see my potential, thought that Malaysian readers weren't "ready" for my level of grotesque-ness yet..what the fuck was that supposed to mean?) but his story was snatched by one and the rest was history. Fresh and gruesomely interesting, his novels were widely published and promoted. Very soon, the big bucks came in.
Thud! Creeeak....
Snapped back into reality, Eduardo was wondering whether it wasn't his imagination after all.
Oh my God! A burglar! A real one!
His mind swirled with scenarios of his death. He was, after all a writer.
Before he had time to react, the shadow at the corner of his eye moved swiftly towards him. Eduardo heard water dripping from the assailant's hat, its crash to the floor muffled by the carpet. For a second, just a second, his ears were tuned to those drips and the sound of the assailant's boots against the floor.
Eduardo turned around to face him, gasping in horror at the same time. It was not a face that stared back at him, but a thing with ghastly sunken grey eyes, sallow cheeks, with flesh slipping off its forehead and jaw, revealing more decaying flesh infested with fat pulsating worms, no nose was present, not even an orifice. It was a corpse. No, a zombie.
Its mouth pulled back into a malicious grin. Eduardo could smell its putrid stench getting stronger and stronger. He was frightened, but captivated at the same time, staring at the thing that resembled creatures he sometimes wrote about, only this time... it was real. It actually exists. Feeling nauseous and light headed, he tried to run but unsurprisingly his feet were rooted to the ground, just like in nightmares.
That's it. This must be a dream! I must have fell asleep! Come on.... wake up now...! he convinced himself fervently.
Barely inches away now... the figure reached out for Eduardo. He shut his eyes tightly, preparing to face his death. Tata world, tata Helena.... dear Helena..
Suddenly.... a thought came to him. His eyes opened.
'Wow! I have an idea for a new book!' he exclaimed to well, either himself or that thing reaching out for him.
Crouching behind the bureau, hidden within the shadows, a woman rolled her eyes and sighed, 'Eduardo, once a writer, always a writer....'
(To be continued......*)
*depends on mood
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Chinese New Year: the Belly Rules
Hey ho hey ho, once again CNY is just around the corner, families get together, young adults get pestered with 'so when are you getting married ar?' questions by throngs of unrecognisable aunties (luckily not my time yet), decorations will be put up, everybody gets fat n 'prosperous'......
aaahhh.... the vibe of CNY..... ba guas n delicious cookies AND of course, ang pows! The reason we (singles) endure carrying our asses ponderously to relatives' houses, trying hard not to yawn every other sec due to lack of oxygen caused by cramped conditions. Hey I have an idea, in lieu of actually visiting you guys (relatives), why don't you mail your ang pows to us? Great idea right? We don't hafta tolerate each other's existence n all that... k thx a lot.
Sigh, not really in the mood, but then again when am I ever in the mood for ath? Looks like I'm detesting every single sec I'm alive. Save for the times when I read n draw. That's probably my therapy.
Let's see, what else is CNY abt? Apart from the cliche family reunion, it's synonymous with stuffing urself silly with endless supplies of mandarins until u finally can't stand the sight of ath orange. It's also abt getting new clothes, in ur bid to look resplendent for the new year. Or rather in my bros' case, my mom forcing new clothes on them even though they're already working n fully capable of managing their wardrobes cos she can't stand their 'I don't need new clothes' policies. She's retired n on pension n nigh on being broke, but she absolutely cannot accept that her children don't have at least a couple of new attires to welcome the new year in.
Mmmm..... dried meat, those orgasm inducing pieces of oily, greasy delicacies! Among the things that I look forward to. Ignore my distended belly I shall, during my search of temporary levity in mouth watering comestibles (I like that word, so posh!).
Let's not be remiss of the horrors of CNY too, people. Atrocious CNY songs blasting through your grey matter, threatening to sweep a wave of nausea over you, resulting in regurgitation of your savored cookies n frizzy drinks, tsk tsk such unmitigated waste. Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. But really, we don't need more CNY CDs that are bought n played once a year, then stashed away into oblivion like somebody's forgotten hidden porn stash. And the cycle repeats itself year after year.
Neither must we forget abt those rituals n prayers the older generation put us through, praying to what what what god, burning incense n yuen bou, as if the air ain't polluted enough! Hello, global warming people?! Haven't it been scorching enough already?! Quite a waste of money, resources n ozone layer don't you think?
Oooo... firecrackers! I must say, nowadays other races play as much fireworks as Chinese people do, if not more. I wonder where the hell do my neighbours get them huh? Without firecrackers, CNY would be much much more silent, it would become a 'laconic festival' (made that up, doesn't really make sense). Though, once again, it contributes to air pollution? Can you say.... utter decadence, people? Perhaps festivals are just a chance to throw away our conscience n whatever scruples we have toward the environment, a chance to say 'fuck you, Mother Nature!' ? But then again do we mankind have any guilt left in us?
Oh for God's sake I was beginning to sound like some soppy environmentalist, I totally need to get a life.
Key word for CNY: overindulgence.
aaahhh.... the vibe of CNY..... ba guas n delicious cookies AND of course, ang pows! The reason we (singles) endure carrying our asses ponderously to relatives' houses, trying hard not to yawn every other sec due to lack of oxygen caused by cramped conditions. Hey I have an idea, in lieu of actually visiting you guys (relatives), why don't you mail your ang pows to us? Great idea right? We don't hafta tolerate each other's existence n all that... k thx a lot.
Sigh, not really in the mood, but then again when am I ever in the mood for ath? Looks like I'm detesting every single sec I'm alive. Save for the times when I read n draw. That's probably my therapy.
Let's see, what else is CNY abt? Apart from the cliche family reunion, it's synonymous with stuffing urself silly with endless supplies of mandarins until u finally can't stand the sight of ath orange. It's also abt getting new clothes, in ur bid to look resplendent for the new year. Or rather in my bros' case, my mom forcing new clothes on them even though they're already working n fully capable of managing their wardrobes cos she can't stand their 'I don't need new clothes' policies. She's retired n on pension n nigh on being broke, but she absolutely cannot accept that her children don't have at least a couple of new attires to welcome the new year in.
Mmmm..... dried meat, those orgasm inducing pieces of oily, greasy delicacies! Among the things that I look forward to. Ignore my distended belly I shall, during my search of temporary levity in mouth watering comestibles (I like that word, so posh!).
Let's not be remiss of the horrors of CNY too, people. Atrocious CNY songs blasting through your grey matter, threatening to sweep a wave of nausea over you, resulting in regurgitation of your savored cookies n frizzy drinks, tsk tsk such unmitigated waste. Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. But really, we don't need more CNY CDs that are bought n played once a year, then stashed away into oblivion like somebody's forgotten hidden porn stash. And the cycle repeats itself year after year.
Neither must we forget abt those rituals n prayers the older generation put us through, praying to what what what god, burning incense n yuen bou, as if the air ain't polluted enough! Hello, global warming people?! Haven't it been scorching enough already?! Quite a waste of money, resources n ozone layer don't you think?
Oooo... firecrackers! I must say, nowadays other races play as much fireworks as Chinese people do, if not more. I wonder where the hell do my neighbours get them huh? Without firecrackers, CNY would be much much more silent, it would become a 'laconic festival' (made that up, doesn't really make sense). Though, once again, it contributes to air pollution? Can you say.... utter decadence, people? Perhaps festivals are just a chance to throw away our conscience n whatever scruples we have toward the environment
Oh for God's sake I was beginning to sound like some soppy environmentalist, I totally need to get a life.
Key word for CNY: overindulgence.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Rants of a Menstruating Whale
Feeling like a whale. But can't be arsed to do ath abt it cos I'm having my period and letting myself go. So here I am, home alone and looking pregnant. Was reading a book but took this hard-to-come-by opportunity to amuse my readers (me) once again.
It's already freaking Feb now. Can u believe it? SPM results coming out in March. That's like, a blink away. I wasn't terrified by the thought of going to college, furthering my studies and all that shit. But all of a sudden, I feel like I can totally freak out. Imagine, I'm getting my results real soon! And I'm not too optimistic abt them either. What if I fail my Chinese? OMG... cannot face my tuition teacher liao... I'm at lost at what to do, was just taking it day by day, chilling, and BAM! (Reality always hits me hard. Always.) Wake up girl! You have to start thinking abt your freaking future! You know? Future?
Anyway, that day I got 15 books at the price of around RM60. What a bargain! An average of RM4 per book! You kidding me? Of course, they were 2nd hand books from Pay Less Books' stock clearance, but still damn cheap right??? Btw, was looking for some chick lit instead of the usual thrillers but couldn't find them cos maybe I didn't look thoroughly enough or during those ancient times, chick lit just wasn't popular. Heaps of books, loads of them quite antique, I must say. In the end, ended up with more thrillers than other genres. That was also partly bcos there were lots of Michael Crichton novels... I'm gonna try to finish all of them b4 getting my cataclysmic results *cringe*.
Previously, I was kinda happy with the idea of going to college, not really bcos of the education n for the sake of pertaining sagacity, but bcos of the prospects of meeting new friends, shedding this cold blooded shell I've been wearing. Seriously, I don't actually keep in touch with any of my friends, no initiating phone calls, or MSN whatsoever. Mainly, it's precipitated by my loathe of telephone conversations. I just have no idea what to say sometimes, so there are long moments of awkward silences (u can almost hear the crickets serenading), awful segues, and less than hearty laughter trying to fill in those gaps.
Ugh, how I hate my atrocious communication skills. That's why I don't call my friends voluntarily or without ulterior motives just to chit-chat. I just don't do chit-chat on the phone. The longest I can hold.. maybe an hour? That's when the long uncomfortable silences finally catches on and my friend obliges to hang up. Mostly, it would be them calling me to go out or whatever. AND, my lazy arse even turns down their kind offers when I feel too malas to go out (ugh, have to figure out what to wear, don't wanna look too shabby ma... transport n so on n so on). When I'm not in the mood, just have to cook up some lousy excuse lor.
Geez, no wonder my social life is as exciting as a sloth's. I am the epitome of anti social-ness.
Digressing, yesterday I felt like cutting open my uterus and ending it once and for all. OMG, the pain was unbearable okay, it was gnawing n refusing to go away. Thank God for Panadol Menstrual. My hair was totally matted with sweat n I felt like puking. The worst is that bcos it's internal, u can't really do ath abt it, n the idea of ripping open ur uterus is really tempting. Dahlah I woke up with my panties stained n needed to wash it myself, dahlah my tummy ached n I crapped till my legs wobbled, I didn't even have the energy to wash my hands after doing my business (can u say, ew?) n ran straight to my bed in my shirt n panties. I just wanted to pass out.
But oh Lord the pain was relentless, I had to put on my shorts, crawl down the stairs n tried to find those life-saving bright pink Panadols in the fridge. Alas, I found that I was too weak n gasping for air with my dry mouth. Really one okay, no exaggeration one... So I crashed on the stairs, moaning like a pathetic lil puppy. Then I had no choice but to call for my bro's rescue, but that bugger only responded after 3 tries. Ignore me la, next time I pengsan n knock my head see how u can handle that. Anyway, after rummaging through the fridge, failing to find the pills, phoning mum to find out its location n finally procuring those evasive pills (meanwhile I was in the fetal position n on the brink of tears), he came with a cup of warm water n those oh-thank-God-they-exist pills. Then I slept. On the stairs. Just like how a sad lil puppy would. But only for a few mins, I think. When I woke up, the pain was gone! I was like 'Hallelujah!' So I went to a chair n slept. The whole episode was totally draining ok. I thought I had my worst episode, but YESTERDAY.. oh yesterday definitely was wayyy worse.
Sigh, what have I done to deserve being female? *cries*
Oh ya, I made a post SPM to-do list right? And what have I accomplished? SIGH. There's no bigger disappointment than disappointing urself. Out of the list, I read- check, I drew... but only a lil still have loads of personal projects I haven't started on. And that's it. Did I customize my template? Nooooo.... did I roller blade? Nooooooo.... did I work out? NOOOOOO.....
Sigh. Please. This is depressing me. I've gotta stop. And they say blogging's supposed to be fun, therapeutic. Where the heck did they get that idea?
It's already freaking Feb now. Can u believe it? SPM results coming out in March. That's like, a blink away. I wasn't terrified by the thought of going to college, furthering my studies and all that shit. But all of a sudden, I feel like I can totally freak out. Imagine, I'm getting my results real soon! And I'm not too optimistic abt them either. What if I fail my Chinese? OMG... cannot face my tuition teacher liao... I'm at lost at what to do, was just taking it day by day, chilling, and BAM! (Reality always hits me hard. Always.) Wake up girl! You have to start thinking abt your freaking future! You know? Future?
Anyway, that day I got 15 books at the price of around RM60. What a bargain! An average of RM4 per book! You kidding me? Of course, they were 2nd hand books from Pay Less Books' stock clearance, but still damn cheap right??? Btw, was looking for some chick lit instead of the usual thrillers but couldn't find them cos maybe I didn't look thoroughly enough or during those ancient times, chick lit just wasn't popular. Heaps of books, loads of them quite antique, I must say. In the end, ended up with more thrillers than other genres. That was also partly bcos there were lots of Michael Crichton novels... I'm gonna try to finish all of them b4 getting my cataclysmic results *cringe*.
Previously, I was kinda happy with the idea of going to college, not really bcos of the education n for the sake of pertaining sagacity, but bcos of the prospects of meeting new friends, shedding this cold blooded shell I've been wearing. Seriously, I don't actually keep in touch with any of my friends, no initiating phone calls, or MSN whatsoever. Mainly, it's precipitated by my loathe of telephone conversations. I just have no idea what to say sometimes, so there are long moments of awkward silences (u can almost hear the crickets serenading), awful segues, and less than hearty laughter trying to fill in those gaps.
Ugh, how I hate my atrocious communication skills. That's why I don't call my friends voluntarily or without ulterior motives just to chit-chat. I just don't do chit-chat on the phone. The longest I can hold.. maybe an hour? That's when the long uncomfortable silences finally catches on and my friend obliges to hang up. Mostly, it would be them calling me to go out or whatever. AND, my lazy arse even turns down their kind offers when I feel too malas to go out (ugh, have to figure out what to wear, don't wanna look too shabby ma... transport n so on n so on). When I'm not in the mood, just have to cook up some lousy excuse lor.
Geez, no wonder my social life is as exciting as a sloth's. I am the epitome of anti social-ness.
Digressing, yesterday I felt like cutting open my uterus and ending it once and for all. OMG, the pain was unbearable okay, it was gnawing n refusing to go away. Thank God for Panadol Menstrual. My hair was totally matted with sweat n I felt like puking. The worst is that bcos it's internal, u can't really do ath abt it, n the idea of ripping open ur uterus is really tempting. Dahlah I woke up with my panties stained n needed to wash it myself, dahlah my tummy ached n I crapped till my legs wobbled, I didn't even have the energy to wash my hands after doing my business (can u say, ew?) n ran straight to my bed in my shirt n panties. I just wanted to pass out.
But oh Lord the pain was relentless, I had to put on my shorts, crawl down the stairs n tried to find those life-saving bright pink Panadols in the fridge. Alas, I found that I was too weak n gasping for air with my dry mouth. Really one okay, no exaggeration one... So I crashed on the stairs, moaning like a pathetic lil puppy. Then I had no choice but to call for my bro's rescue, but that bugger only responded after 3 tries. Ignore me la, next time I pengsan n knock my head see how u can handle that. Anyway, after rummaging through the fridge, failing to find the pills, phoning mum to find out its location n finally procuring those evasive pills (meanwhile I was in the fetal position n on the brink of tears), he came with a cup of warm water n those oh-thank-God-they-exist pills. Then I slept. On the stairs. Just like how a sad lil puppy would. But only for a few mins, I think. When I woke up, the pain was gone! I was like 'Hallelujah!' So I went to a chair n slept. The whole episode was totally draining ok. I thought I had my worst episode, but YESTERDAY.. oh yesterday definitely was wayyy worse.
Sigh, what have I done to deserve being female? *cries*
Oh ya, I made a post SPM to-do list right? And what have I accomplished? SIGH. There's no bigger disappointment than disappointing urself. Out of the list, I read- check, I drew... but only a lil still have loads of personal projects I haven't started on. And that's it. Did I customize my template? Nooooo.... did I roller blade? Nooooooo.... did I work out? NOOOOOO.....
Sigh. Please. This is depressing me. I've gotta stop. And they say blogging's supposed to be fun, therapeutic. Where the heck did they get that idea?
Friday, January 26, 2007
Get Well Soon
Er, hi people. I know that my only reader is myself, but I don't care, I still wanna act all important and all that. Sorry for not blogging for so long, I know you all crave for my updates and launch into withdrawal symptoms after just 1 day without any, so I'm veli veli the sorry lor. I hope you all get well soon.
Pffffttt.... hhyeah right. Anyway, I don't have much things to say coherently (as usual). I just had this thought, if only people are self-reliant enough to sustain their OWN happiness, instead of living their life trying to make other people happy, then everyone can be happy and the world would be a better place the end. Just, be selfish and live life the way you want to and if people have a problem with that, it's their own pathetic issue. If they want to get so worked up over YOUR life, YOUR ways, then so be it. To hell with them. The only person suffering would be them.
Why do you need to care so much about how other people feel? Why ask: 'but what would other people say?' or the more cliche 'what would the neighbours think?' Why? Do whatever that makes YOU happy, and if they can't be happy themselves but wanna butt in other people's business and live vicariously through them, it's their own freaking problem, man. Just think about it, make YOURSELF happy. You live for no one but yourself. Why can't people see that? Stop trying to impress them. Stop trying to make them happy. Are you happy? That's what's important.
If only everyone is capable of making themselves happy, then everyone can be happy once and for all. Unless of course succumbing to other's requests and expectations make you happy, then go for it. It would be a win-win situation. Or if telling other people what to do with their lives makes you happy, then you need to use that energy to reflect on yourself. Are you the best that you can be? If not, why expect others to be so? Either that, or you need to get a new hobby.
Of course, don't do illegal activities to make yourself happy n all that. Well, you get the drift. I'm saying this in case someone stumbles upon my blog and reads this and start kamikaze-ing bcos that's what make him/her happy, and then I'll get sued when authorities trace back to me, and maybe even get sentenced to death.
HHhhhhyeaaaaahhh right. Like anyone's gonna read this crap. Writing a disclaimer of some sort just makes me feel read, that's all. Like people will actually come here, read this , feel offended and start flaming me.
Oh-kaaayyy... enough daydreaming.
Digressing, I've been feeling horny these few days. I think, inside me, there's just a horny bitch waiting to burst out. Ok, maybe it's my horny period prior to my period (is this considered punny?) OMG, I've actually fantasized about Wentworth Miller. He. Is. SO. Hot. *sizzles*
But... but... there are rumors about his being gay! Oh My Godddd!!! How the hell can this be??!! If it's true, then it's the biggest injustice to ever EVER happen on Earth!! Why the hell can someone so so soooo freaking spicy be gay?? Why?? Is God trying to taunt us ladies?
*sob* If he's gay, then I definitely have no reason to live anymore. Please, I hope the rumors aren't true!!!!!! *cross fingers x 1000* If he's not gay, then I'll go get a boob job so he'll have sth to knead when I kidnap him. Muaahaahaha... *drools*
There's nothing like the ramblings of a horny teen huh? Don't you just, like adore me? Yeah, I know!
Pffffttt.... hhyeah right. Anyway, I don't have much things to say coherently (as usual). I just had this thought, if only people are self-reliant enough to sustain their OWN happiness, instead of living their life trying to make other people happy, then everyone can be happy and the world would be a better place the end. Just, be selfish and live life the way you want to and if people have a problem with that, it's their own pathetic issue. If they want to get so worked up over YOUR life, YOUR ways, then so be it. To hell with them. The only person suffering would be them.
Why do you need to care so much about how other people feel? Why ask: 'but what would other people say?' or the more cliche 'what would the neighbours think?' Why? Do whatever that makes YOU happy, and if they can't be happy themselves but wanna butt in other people's business and live vicariously through them, it's their own freaking problem, man. Just think about it, make YOURSELF happy. You live for no one but yourself. Why can't people see that? Stop trying to impress them. Stop trying to make them happy. Are you happy? That's what's important.
If only everyone is capable of making themselves happy, then everyone can be happy once and for all. Unless of course succumbing to other's requests and expectations make you happy, then go for it. It would be a win-win situation. Or if telling other people what to do with their lives makes you happy, then you need to use that energy to reflect on yourself. Are you the best that you can be? If not, why expect others to be so? Either that, or you need to get a new hobby.
Of course, don't do illegal activities to make yourself happy n all that. Well, you get the drift. I'm saying this in case someone stumbles upon my blog and reads this and start kamikaze-ing bcos that's what make him/her happy, and then I'll get sued when authorities trace back to me, and maybe even get sentenced to death.
HHhhhhyeaaaaahhh right. Like anyone's gonna read this crap. Writing a disclaimer of some sort just makes me feel read, that's all. Like people will actually come here, read this , feel offended and start flaming me.
Oh-kaaayyy... enough daydreaming.
Digressing, I've been feeling horny these few days. I think, inside me, there's just a horny bitch waiting to burst out. Ok, maybe it's my horny period prior to my period (is this considered punny?) OMG, I've actually fantasized about Wentworth Miller. He. Is. SO. Hot. *sizzles*
But... but... there are rumors about his being gay! Oh My Godddd!!! How the hell can this be??!! If it's true, then it's the biggest injustice to ever EVER happen on Earth!! Why the hell can someone so so soooo freaking spicy be gay?? Why?? Is God trying to taunt us ladies?
*sob* If he's gay, then I definitely have no reason to live anymore. Please, I hope the rumors aren't true!!!!!! *cross fingers x 1000* If he's not gay, then I'll go get a boob job so he'll have sth to knead when I kidnap him. Muaahaahaha... *drools*
There's nothing like the ramblings of a horny teen huh? Don't you just, like adore me? Yeah, I know!
Monday, January 15, 2007
HP and the Half-Blood Prince
yoohoo people (which is equivalent to me, myself and I).... just finished HP and the Half-Blood Prince. I must say, half way through the book, I was thinking, nothing interesting has really happened.... but I ploughed on, hoping fervently, for sth to catch my attention. But just like that, the book has ended. It feels like some sort of a filler book, just like those perpetual fillers of Naruto (OMG, how much longer are they gonna continue?) I mean sure, Dumbledore died and all that, but even his death was hardly ath, hardly.... remarkable... for the lack of a better term. And then there was his funeral and 'fin'. The End. Just like that. I can't help but feel cheated, you know?
Ok, maybe it was bcos I knew some of the story line beforehand, and it's getting increasingly hard to evoke any emotions through reading lately. My fave HP book is still, and I think will remain to be, HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Dunno why, I just liked it very much, and I even read it twice *beams* (I rarely read a book more than once ok) And I liked Sirius, that when he died, I was quite shocked. Unlike when Dumbledore died, there was significantly less shock and grief. Heck, the most unsettling aspect of this book was probably Ron 'snogging' incessantly (kissing) and getting together with Lavender Brown. Hehe, wonder if the movie will show all that? Looking forward to it.....
Maybe J.K. Rowling's 'losing her touch'? As critics would say... or maybe it's just that readers are expecting more and more from her, hence higher the expectations bigger the disappointment? I really hope that the last book will be worth my time, and please, for God's sake, don't kill off Harry! What would the whole point be then? To pore over those last six books? Of course we would want Harry to prevail! Or some would say, this book is just to prepare the readers for the 'final battle' or sth like that, cos nearing the end, she keeps going on abt Harry and his dark battle ahead, she and her ominous reminders. Sigh, filler book la.... that's how I feel.
Ok la, that's it abt HP and the Half-Blood Prince.
Ok, maybe it was bcos I knew some of the story line beforehand, and it's getting increasingly hard to evoke any emotions through reading lately. My fave HP book is still, and I think will remain to be, HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Dunno why, I just liked it very much, and I even read it twice *beams* (I rarely read a book more than once ok) And I liked Sirius, that when he died, I was quite shocked. Unlike when Dumbledore died, there was significantly less shock and grief. Heck, the most unsettling aspect of this book was probably Ron 'snogging' incessantly (kissing) and getting together with Lavender Brown. Hehe, wonder if the movie will show all that? Looking forward to it.....
Maybe J.K. Rowling's 'losing her touch'? As critics would say... or maybe it's just that readers are expecting more and more from her, hence higher the expectations bigger the disappointment? I really hope that the last book will be worth my time, and please, for God's sake, don't kill off Harry! What would the whole point be then? To pore over those last six books? Of course we would want Harry to prevail! Or some would say, this book is just to prepare the readers for the 'final battle' or sth like that, cos nearing the end, she keeps going on abt Harry and his dark battle ahead, she and her ominous reminders. Sigh, filler book la.... that's how I feel.
Ok la, that's it abt HP and the Half-Blood Prince.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Digital Fortress and The Host
Digital Fortress
So, yesterday I finished Dan Brown's "Digital Fortress". It was good. As all Dan Brown's books are. Now I'm just lacking "Deception Point" and I'll be a full fledged Dan Brown fan. Well, there were a lot subplots which kinda got into the way but were nonetheless important for the buildup. Am I contradicting myself here? Whatever. Still, "Angels and Demons" is my favourite. I've probably forgotten most of the plot by now, but I remember that I loved it.
The climax was riveting, but kinda anti-climax. See, they needed this pass-key, well kill-code actually to neutralize a worm destroying their (NSA, National Security Agent) security filters. And the clue was "the prime difference between the elements responsible for Hiroshima and Nagasaki" if I'm not wrong. Someone figured out it was chemical elements, instead of socio-political ones those people kept thinking of. Oh, I missed out that they entered the wrong kill-code once and it accelerated the attack, so things were pretty hectic and chaotic. So, chemical elements. First, they thought it was plutonium and uranium, which was actually a misconception.
As a matter of fact, they were both uranium, but isotopes. They were racking their brains trying to find the "prime difference". And I was sitting on my static ass thinking,
'wtf? they're freaking isotopes! The most obvious freaking difference of course is their nombor nukleon la! Nombor nukleon damnit! And you call yourself freaking geniuses?! Do you even know what isotopes are?'
And the likes, cos I was kinda pissed at their imbecility. Turns out, I was freaking right after all. They were U-238 and U-235, hence the kill-code was 3. *heaves a content sigh* It's good to know that one is better in saving the world than fictional geniuses. Those two years of education weren't for nothing after all. Hehehehehe..... syok sendiri betul. So yeah, that was too easy and predictable. Some other stuff were predictable too, like you know that the initial good guy would turn out to be guilty after all, because come on, it's Dan Brown you oaf. That's what happened at "Da Vinci Code" and "Angels and Demons" too. It was a good read nonetheless.
I'm sure it would be exciting for non Science students. Hehehehee.... just let me bask in the warmth of my own glory for a while.... Yea yea, I know I should cut those fictional characters some slack, because 'they're geniuses for God's sake, surely their minds wont be as simple as yours?' Ugh, What. Ever. Let me syok sendiri also cannot wor.
The Host
And, I watched "The Host". Not in the cinema, but in the petty confinement of my home. My bro downloaded it, so sue him. Firstly, there was a pretty lousy excuse to contaminate the Han River. The American was not fond of dust, and there were thick layers of them on loads of bottles containing toxic chemicals, so he just asked the Korean to dump them.
The Korean exclaimed," but they will go into the Han River"
and the exasperated American said sth stupid like," Look, the Han River is very broad..... so let's try to be broad-minded here"
Jesus Christ, who comes up with these shit?
6 years later, there's this humongous, hideous, voracious, mutated tadpole terrorizing the place. Which is pretty good at gymnastics, I might add. You'll know when you watch it. This monster abducted Hyun-Seo (if I remember correctly), leaving her family to think that she's dead. But, her father receives her phone call, saying that she's in a huge sewer. Hence starts their journey to rescue her. There were a couple of frightening moments, but only a couple.
And moments which will leave you dumbfounded, like the one where Hyun-Seo suddenly appears out of thin air when her family was having dinner, and they just kept quiet and fed her one by one. It's like 'Is it a message? Is it supposed to tell us sth? Or is the director trying to play with our minds?'
In the end, of course the monster's dead, Hyun-Seo's dead too, her grandfather died as well, her father appears to be alive, but.. you're not so sure anymore, maybe he's in heaven? Whatever.
My verdict is, just download it and watch la, not really worth RM10. Go watch Happy Feet or sth.
So, yesterday I finished Dan Brown's "Digital Fortress". It was good. As all Dan Brown's books are. Now I'm just lacking "Deception Point" and I'll be a full fledged Dan Brown fan. Well, there were a lot subplots which kinda got into the way but were nonetheless important for the buildup. Am I contradicting myself here? Whatever. Still, "Angels and Demons" is my favourite. I've probably forgotten most of the plot by now, but I remember that I loved it.
The climax was riveting, but kinda anti-climax. See, they needed this pass-key, well kill-code actually to neutralize a worm destroying their (NSA, National Security Agent) security filters. And the clue was "the prime difference between the elements responsible for Hiroshima and Nagasaki" if I'm not wrong. Someone figured out it was chemical elements, instead of socio-political ones those people kept thinking of. Oh, I missed out that they entered the wrong kill-code once and it accelerated the attack, so things were pretty hectic and chaotic. So, chemical elements. First, they thought it was plutonium and uranium, which was actually a misconception.
As a matter of fact, they were both uranium, but isotopes. They were racking their brains trying to find the "prime difference". And I was sitting on my static ass thinking,
'wtf? they're freaking isotopes! The most obvious freaking difference of course is their nombor nukleon la! Nombor nukleon damnit! And you call yourself freaking geniuses?! Do you even know what isotopes are?'
And the likes, cos I was kinda pissed at their imbecility. Turns out, I was freaking right after all. They were U-238 and U-235, hence the kill-code was 3. *heaves a content sigh* It's good to know that one is better in saving the world than fictional geniuses. Those two years of education weren't for nothing after all. Hehehehehe..... syok sendiri betul. So yeah, that was too easy and predictable. Some other stuff were predictable too, like you know that the initial good guy would turn out to be guilty after all, because come on, it's Dan Brown you oaf. That's what happened at "Da Vinci Code" and "Angels and Demons" too. It was a good read nonetheless.
I'm sure it would be exciting for non Science students. Hehehehee.... just let me bask in the warmth of my own glory for a while.... Yea yea, I know I should cut those fictional characters some slack, because 'they're geniuses for God's sake, surely their minds wont be as simple as yours?' Ugh, What. Ever. Let me syok sendiri also cannot wor.
The Host
And, I watched "The Host". Not in the cinema, but in the petty confinement of my home. My bro downloaded it, so sue him. Firstly, there was a pretty lousy excuse to contaminate the Han River. The American was not fond of dust, and there were thick layers of them on loads of bottles containing toxic chemicals, so he just asked the Korean to dump them.
The Korean exclaimed," but they will go into the Han River"
and the exasperated American said sth stupid like," Look, the Han River is very broad..... so let's try to be broad-minded here"
Jesus Christ, who comes up with these shit?
6 years later, there's this humongous, hideous, voracious, mutated tadpole terrorizing the place. Which is pretty good at gymnastics, I might add. You'll know when you watch it. This monster abducted Hyun-Seo (if I remember correctly), leaving her family to think that she's dead. But, her father receives her phone call, saying that she's in a huge sewer. Hence starts their journey to rescue her. There were a couple of frightening moments, but only a couple.
And moments which will leave you dumbfounded, like the one where Hyun-Seo suddenly appears out of thin air when her family was having dinner, and they just kept quiet and fed her one by one. It's like 'Is it a message? Is it supposed to tell us sth? Or is the director trying to play with our minds?'
In the end, of course the monster's dead, Hyun-Seo's dead too, her grandfather died as well, her father appears to be alive, but.. you're not so sure anymore, maybe he's in heaven? Whatever.
My verdict is, just download it and watch la, not really worth RM10. Go watch Happy Feet or sth.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Book Review
From my list, I have only managed to accomplish one thing - read. Yesterday, I finished "The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Night-Time" by Mark Haddon. Cant believe it took me two whole days to finish it. It's only 226 pages. I'm a slow reader la.
Anyway, it was a book written from an autistic 15-year-old's perspective. I read good reviews about it, thus I decided to get it. And, I learnt some things from it too. There was the Monty Hall question, the homunculus, and er other stuffs la, I have a bad memory, k? So the main thing to be learnt from the book is what actually goes on in an autistic person's mind. With his "superbly logical mind", Christopher really sees everything literally. That's why he doesn't really get jokes or humour. Oh my, imagine a life devoid of laughter. How can??!
The book starts with Christopher finding his neighbour's (Mrs. Shears) dog, Wellington stabbed by a pitchfork in his neighbour's garden. Hence, he decided to "play detective" and find out who's the killer. He records the process in the book, which was supposed to be a murder mystery novel. But in sleuthing around, he discovers that his Mother was still alive (he was told she died of a heart attack), she had an affair with Mr Shears, and is now living in London. AND, who killed Wellington. Okay, maybe that was a lot of spoilers. But who cares, nobody's reading anyway. And that is why, boys and girls, I'll totally fail at book reviews.
Well, I kinda pitied Christ's father too, cos it's evident that he loves his son A LOT, but since admitting that he killed Wellington (tadaa!) Christ ran away to London to live with his mother, is completely terrified of him and refuses to speak with him even when they are in the same house. That must hurt a lot. But in the end, things looked up just a little. That little was just enough to assure that things would eventually be better between father and son.
I didn't actually cry while reading this book, but just cos it's really hard to make me cry through books. That was a totally redundant sentence, so ignore it. I would say, get this book even if it's RM30+. It would bring some understanding towards autism, why they react the way they do and you may even discover some facts you've never come across before. Plus, there's not much big a difference between human and computers.
Conclusion, this book was easy to read since I didn't have to check the dictionary every few minutes. And I can't believe I took two days to finish it. This was a crappy review brought to you by yours truly.
Anyway, it was a book written from an autistic 15-year-old's perspective. I read good reviews about it, thus I decided to get it. And, I learnt some things from it too. There was the Monty Hall question, the homunculus, and er other stuffs la, I have a bad memory, k? So the main thing to be learnt from the book is what actually goes on in an autistic person's mind. With his "superbly logical mind", Christopher really sees everything literally. That's why he doesn't really get jokes or humour. Oh my, imagine a life devoid of laughter. How can??!
The book starts with Christopher finding his neighbour's (Mrs. Shears) dog, Wellington stabbed by a pitchfork in his neighbour's garden. Hence, he decided to "play detective" and find out who's the killer. He records the process in the book, which was supposed to be a murder mystery novel. But in sleuthing around, he discovers that his Mother was still alive (he was told she died of a heart attack), she had an affair with Mr Shears, and is now living in London. AND, who killed Wellington. Okay, maybe that was a lot of spoilers. But who cares, nobody's reading anyway. And that is why, boys and girls, I'll totally fail at book reviews.
Well, I kinda pitied Christ's father too, cos it's evident that he loves his son A LOT, but since admitting that he killed Wellington (tadaa!) Christ ran away to London to live with his mother, is completely terrified of him and refuses to speak with him even when they are in the same house. That must hurt a lot. But in the end, things looked up just a little. That little was just enough to assure that things would eventually be better between father and son.
I didn't actually cry while reading this book, but just cos it's really hard to make me cry through books. That was a totally redundant sentence, so ignore it. I would say, get this book even if it's RM30+. It would bring some understanding towards autism, why they react the way they do and you may even discover some facts you've never come across before. Plus, there's not much big a difference between human and computers.
Conclusion, this book was easy to read since I didn't have to check the dictionary every few minutes. And I can't believe I took two days to finish it. This was a crappy review brought to you by yours truly.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Things I Wanna Do After SPM
1. Draw
2. Read (devour novels)
3. Rollerblade (at least try to, I swear my skates have cobwebs in them)
4. Work out and acquire Gwen Stefani abs (pffffttt... like THAT'S gonna happen)
5. Pamper myself in all ways possible
6. Catch up with all the TV shows I've missed
7. Customize my template
8. Search for a long lost friend
Er, that's pretty much all I can think of right now.
Shit, I really should be studying.
Edit: OMG totally can't concentrate can die. Just think of it, in a few hours time, all these shit will finally be over!!! OH GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! I'm too hyper right now. And I truly think that I'm gonna flunk my Bio. Oh well...
2. Read (devour novels)
3. Rollerblade (at least try to, I swear my skates have cobwebs in them)
4. Work out and acquire Gwen Stefani abs (pffffttt... like THAT'S gonna happen)
5. Pamper myself in all ways possible
6. Catch up with all the TV shows I've missed
7. Customize my template
8. Search for a long lost friend
Er, that's pretty much all I can think of right now.
Shit, I really should be studying.
Edit: OMG totally can't concentrate can die. Just think of it, in a few hours time, all these shit will finally be over!!! OH GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! I'm too hyper right now. And I truly think that I'm gonna flunk my Bio. Oh well...
Friday, December 01, 2006
Whatever III
*gaspppp!!* A mosquito bit me in my lip! Yes, in my lip. It wasn't outside, now my lower lip is swollen. My mouth must have been gaping when I napped. Stupid mosquito! I'm always bit in the weirdest places. When I woke up, one bigass bite was on my left cheek too. *grumble grumble grumble*
Sigh, yeah, a mosquito bite is probably the most exciting thing in my life right now. What a freaking loser.
But then hor, just now I also had a weird dream. The kindergarten I went to held a gathering of some sort. I reckon it was exam related cos we were all in our uniform, or maybe every dream I have these days are school related. Whatever.
The weird thing was, the people there were not ex-kindergarten mates. Not even one of them was supposed to be there. And my friend, who was supposed to, was not seen.
Ok la, that sounded so lame. Lately a lot of dreams have involved school. Most of my dreams are disturbing, but at least this one was only weird, not disturbingly so. And I woke up when my lip began to itch. I wish there's someone to decipher my dreams, who can be at my side when I sleep, so when I jolt awake with a dream fresh in my mind, he/she can analyse it for me. Yeah, I wish.
Again, I am fully aware that I'm ridiculously lame. But I can contradict myself sometimes, I'm narcissistic about my looks (well, bcos I'm simply ravishing *cough cough*) but self deprecating about other aspects simultaneously. Like, about my lack of personality, lack of wit, lack of leadership skills, diminutive grey matter... well these things are as important, if not more, than looks. And having above average (*cough cough*) looks just doesn't balance my deficiencies. I just can't help but wallow in self-hatred sometimes.
End rant.
People! There's only one more day of SPM to go!!!! My worst Science subject of all times...... Biology!!!! Technically there's only memorising to do, no calculations (actually got a few), no ass cracking formula, so should be easy right?
WRONG. Ugh I just hate it. I hate hate hate it. Tell me, how to finish two years' syllabus in two days?? I think I have forgotten all that I've revised before exam, so much for preparing early. Dad, as badly as you want me to be a doctor, I swear I'm never EVER EVER gonna be one. I fear that my brain will explode in overload.
Seriously, I'm not too optimistic abt how I've fared so far. What happened to "I don't care, I don't wanna care"?? Bitch, I do care I do care! Everybody does. It's either care less or care more.
Possible non-A subjects:
Physics
Chemistry
Biology (haven't took, but seeing how the other 2 have been...)
History (almost sure die liao)
Pendidikan Moral (the world's most pointless, useless, redundant subject. Well, aside from History)
Chinese (gosh, I hope I didn't steer off topic! I sure as hell hope I didn't *gasp* FAIL! ARGHGHGH!)
and all the others
The mentioned six have more chances of flunking, I think.
One more day of exam to go!!!! And then it's liberation!!!
Sigh, yeah, a mosquito bite is probably the most exciting thing in my life right now. What a freaking loser.
But then hor, just now I also had a weird dream. The kindergarten I went to held a gathering of some sort. I reckon it was exam related cos we were all in our uniform, or maybe every dream I have these days are school related. Whatever.
The weird thing was, the people there were not ex-kindergarten mates. Not even one of them was supposed to be there. And my friend, who was supposed to, was not seen.
Ok la, that sounded so lame. Lately a lot of dreams have involved school. Most of my dreams are disturbing, but at least this one was only weird, not disturbingly so. And I woke up when my lip began to itch. I wish there's someone to decipher my dreams, who can be at my side when I sleep, so when I jolt awake with a dream fresh in my mind, he/she can analyse it for me. Yeah, I wish.
Again, I am fully aware that I'm ridiculously lame. But I can contradict myself sometimes, I'm narcissistic about my looks (well, bcos I'm simply ravishing *cough cough*) but self deprecating about other aspects simultaneously. Like, about my lack of personality, lack of wit, lack of leadership skills, diminutive grey matter... well these things are as important, if not more, than looks. And having above average (*cough cough*) looks just doesn't balance my deficiencies. I just can't help but wallow in self-hatred sometimes.
End rant.
People! There's only one more day of SPM to go!!!! My worst Science subject of all times...... Biology!!!! Technically there's only memorising to do, no calculations (actually got a few), no ass cracking formula, so should be easy right?
WRONG. Ugh I just hate it. I hate hate hate it. Tell me, how to finish two years' syllabus in two days?? I think I have forgotten all that I've revised before exam, so much for preparing early. Dad, as badly as you want me to be a doctor, I swear I'm never EVER EVER gonna be one. I fear that my brain will explode in overload.
Seriously, I'm not too optimistic abt how I've fared so far. What happened to "I don't care, I don't wanna care"?? Bitch, I do care I do care! Everybody does. It's either care less or care more.
Possible non-A subjects:
Physics
Chemistry
Biology (haven't took, but seeing how the other 2 have been...)
History (almost sure die liao)
Pendidikan Moral (the world's most pointless, useless, redundant subject. Well, aside from History)
Chinese (gosh, I hope I didn't steer off topic! I sure as hell hope I didn't *gasp* FAIL! ARGHGHGH!)
and all the others
The mentioned six have more chances of flunking, I think.
One more day of exam to go!!!! And then it's liberation!!!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Whatever II
Two more days of exam to go!! Woot!!! After what seemed like forever....
Physics and Chem were well, hell. And I thought my Chem sure A already. Pfffttttt... yeaaaahh rite. I'm totally hopeless without exam tips. Not tips, but soalan yang dibocor-bocorkan until dunno how. Trial was like that. No wonder I got 90+ for Chem. And people think I'm so smart. Nyahahahahahaha..... Today my friend was also murdered in the exam and she asked if I knew how to do, since I blatantly said 'No' she was kinda relieved cos if I also dunno how to do, then it's OK. Noooooo.... I'm not that geng AT ALL..... sorry la if I gave you false hopes. Futher shows that I'm just not into Science. I'm just a dumbass who once thought that she actually liked it. That was Form 3 la.. but who didn't like Science when it was just ONE subject right? Right??
Yes, I know I'm whiny and boring and dull, but my family is made up of whiners, so just cut me some slack here k? Again, I think it's the house's feng shui.
Crappy mood. Probably PMS. Noooo.... so soon?
Physics and Chem were well, hell. And I thought my Chem sure A already. Pfffttttt... yeaaaahh rite. I'm totally hopeless without exam tips. Not tips, but soalan yang dibocor-bocorkan until dunno how. Trial was like that. No wonder I got 90+ for Chem. And people think I'm so smart. Nyahahahahahaha..... Today my friend was also murdered in the exam and she asked if I knew how to do, since I blatantly said 'No' she was kinda relieved cos if I also dunno how to do, then it's OK. Noooooo.... I'm not that geng AT ALL..... sorry la if I gave you false hopes. Futher shows that I'm just not into Science. I'm just a dumbass who once thought that she actually liked it. That was Form 3 la.. but who didn't like Science when it was just ONE subject right? Right??
Yes, I know I'm whiny and boring and dull, but my family is made up of whiners, so just cut me some slack here k? Again, I think it's the house's feng shui.
Crappy mood. Probably PMS. Noooo.... so soon?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Whatever
wham bham kapow my ass. This exam seems to be going on foreverrrrr....
but the worst is yet to come, tomorrow is Physics, all freaking 3 papers. These few days are gonna be uber tiring.
No chance to blog cos either too tired or the coast wasn't clear.
Must hang in there. 4 more subjects only!!!! 10 more papers only!!!! 4 more exam days only!!! woot!
but the worst is yet to come, tomorrow is Physics, all freaking 3 papers. These few days are gonna be uber tiring.
No chance to blog cos either too tired or the coast wasn't clear.
Must hang in there. 4 more subjects only!!!! 10 more papers only!!!! 4 more exam days only!!! woot!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Exam Day 2 & 3
Prinsip Perakaunan was okay, I guess. If no major mistake, hopefully can get A1 lor.
I was more nervous yesterday than the day before, cos you know, I've never actually sat for an Accounts exam before. My being a Science student and all. I thought I was jittery, but heck my friends were sweating profusely, they said.
So, like that lor. Nothing much to say.
p/s: I wish I can think of more interesting titles...
I was more nervous yesterday than the day before, cos you know, I've never actually sat for an Accounts exam before. My being a Science student and all. I thought I was jittery, but heck my friends were sweating profusely, they said.
So, like that lor. Nothing much to say.
p/s: I wish I can think of more interesting titles...
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Exam Day 1
Countdown: 11 more days of exam to go.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
So here's the thing. I'm a risk taker during essay papers. Well, actually the truth is there was one obvious choice, but I couldn't think of sufficient points, so... I chose the appalling-nobody-should-write question (or so they say). It was quite natural for me to do that, because I always choose stupid questions like these. Risk taker, you see. (yeahhh rite) Sometimes it reaps good results, sometimes it doesn't. Therein lies the risk.
Now, the nagging question of whether I went off topic. It's reaaaaally easy to do that, I think. Therein lies the stupidity of choosing that question. Therefore, I'll appear as a genius or one heck of a dumbass to the examiner's eye. Let's hope it's the former. Let's pray that the risk pays off. *cross fingers cross fingers cross fingers*
Oh dear God, if You exist, I hope that You make my examiner's mood very very very good on the day he/she marks my essay. That's all I ask for. Pleaseeeee... pretty pleaseeeee...
The thing is, it didn't seem that big a risk during examination. But in retrospect, I could have flew off topic on a freaking rocket. Sigh. Must be optimistic ehhhhhhh.... damn those people who "put my lang sui"
What happened to the I-don't-care attitude you ask, well as much as I don't wanna care I still don't wanna fail ma... the kiasu attitude still resides within me, because I'm a typical Chinese hehe. Cos if really steered off topic, then surely cannot get high marks or even worse *gasp* FAIL!
Let's pray again, that the examiner sees the genuineness of my writing, appreciates the conversational prose, is grateful for the change of topic and gives me an A+ on first impression. (macam my essay very superior liddat)
But still, I don't wanna get my hopes too high.
Oh God, help me pleaseeeee...
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
So here's the thing. I'm a risk taker during essay papers. Well, actually the truth is there was one obvious choice, but I couldn't think of sufficient points, so... I chose the appalling-nobody-should-write question (or so they say). It was quite natural for me to do that, because I always choose stupid questions like these. Risk taker, you see. (yeahhh rite) Sometimes it reaps good results, sometimes it doesn't. Therein lies the risk.
Now, the nagging question of whether I went off topic. It's reaaaaally easy to do that, I think. Therein lies the stupidity of choosing that question. Therefore, I'll appear as a genius or one heck of a dumbass to the examiner's eye. Let's hope it's the former. Let's pray that the risk pays off. *cross fingers cross fingers cross fingers*
Oh dear God, if You exist, I hope that You make my examiner's mood very very very good on the day he/she marks my essay. That's all I ask for. Pleaseeeee... pretty pleaseeeee...
The thing is, it didn't seem that big a risk during examination. But in retrospect, I could have flew off topic on a freaking rocket. Sigh. Must be optimistic ehhhhhhh.... damn those people who "put my lang sui"
What happened to the I-don't-care attitude you ask, well as much as I don't wanna care I still don't wanna fail ma... the kiasu attitude still resides within me, because I'm a typical Chinese hehe. Cos if really steered off topic, then surely cannot get high marks or even worse *gasp* FAIL!
Let's pray again, that the examiner sees the genuineness of my writing, appreciates the conversational prose, is grateful for the change of topic and gives me an A+ on first impression. (macam my essay very superior liddat)
But still, I don't wanna get my hopes too high.
Oh God, help me pleaseeeee...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Pre Exam Insanity (PEI)
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's one/uno/1/yi/yat/satu day before exam!!
I'm soooooooo excited! Not. But yes, I am! Not. Actually, I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling right now.
I don't think I've done enough, I don't think I'm fully armoured for battle....
But heck, just bring it on!
After the first paper, it will wham! bam! kapow! done! Exam's over!!! Let's celebrate!
Nyahahaahaahahahaahahahahahahaaha.... or at least that's what I expect.
Let's see, hmm.. no, I'm not fully prepared for Prinsip Perakaunan or BM or Chemistry or Biology or Sejafuckingrah......
Wtf? What am I prepared for anyway?!!
Whatever la. To see if I really deserve an A1, it shouldn't be cos of last minute, midnight oil burning, eleventh hour studying right? Right? That means, I've gotta abstain from all reference books and text books during exam period to see what I'm really made of.
Nyahahahahahaahahahahahhaha... I think I'm going crazy. Completely cuckoo.
p/s: This is a stupid post. IF sometime in the future I chance upon this post, and my results turn out crappy, I'll surely be filled with regrets. Cos I'll find out that I was wasting time being loony and blogging. And I wasn't armed with any knowledge AT ALL.
But still, my oh-so-beloved-future-self, you're the most gorgeous being ever born on this Earth. Your responsibility is to save the universe from all of its ugliness and impurities. Yes, rock on, baby.
OMG I AM crazy.
It's one/uno/1/yi/yat/satu day before exam!!
I'm soooooooo excited! Not. But yes, I am! Not. Actually, I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling right now.
I don't think I've done enough, I don't think I'm fully armoured for battle....
But heck, just bring it on!
After the first paper, it will wham! bam! kapow! done! Exam's over!!! Let's celebrate!
Nyahahaahaahahahaahahahahahahaaha.... or at least that's what I expect.
Let's see, hmm.. no, I'm not fully prepared for Prinsip Perakaunan or BM or Chemistry or Biology or Sejafuckingrah......
Wtf? What am I prepared for anyway?!!
Whatever la. To see if I really deserve an A1, it shouldn't be cos of last minute, midnight oil burning, eleventh hour studying right? Right? That means, I've gotta abstain from all reference books and text books during exam period to see what I'm really made of.
Nyahahahahahaahahahahahhaha... I think I'm going crazy. Completely cuckoo.
p/s: This is a stupid post. IF sometime in the future I chance upon this post, and my results turn out crappy, I'll surely be filled with regrets. Cos I'll find out that I was wasting time being loony and blogging. And I wasn't armed with any knowledge AT ALL.
But still, my oh-so-beloved-future-self, you're the most gorgeous being ever born on this Earth. Your responsibility is to save the universe from all of its ugliness and impurities. Yes, rock on, baby.
OMG I AM crazy.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Trying to be Poetic
Frustration consuming every freaking fibre of my being.....
I cannot take this any longer....
End it for me....
I think I'm going crazy....
Every single day my head feels so empty yet so heavy....
Like its concentrated but when I dig in nothing's there....
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just wanna scream my lungs out....
Everything's heavy, my heart, my breathing.....
I can't go on any longer....
Just. End it for me...
Can this actually qualify as a poem? Cos you know, poems don't actually have a format (or do they?) and you can string a few words together and voila! You're a poet!
Yadda yadda yadda.....yak yak yak... (softer and softer)
Whatever. Nobody listens anyway.
Yesterday, or rather this morning, I left out my fifth random thought.
Fifth
In my opinion, my family is somewhat dysfunctional. In this house where everybody's grumpy all the time, where no one actually show that they care, I cant help but feel the abnormality in this otherwise "normal" family. Somehow, I feel that we're a bunch of misfits. Or maybe it's just me. And this... this house, perhaps the feng shui's not good or sth like that, everytime I step into this house, my mood turns bad. Almost instantly. Even before I put my foot into it. It's like,
at school: good mood
in the car: good mood
reaching the house: good mood
reached house, still in the car: good mood
in front of house grill: instant change to @#@%#^$ mood, dark clouds hover above head
I've no idea why this happens. Probably caused by the gust of negative energy from my house. That's why everybody's so grumpy all the time. That's why it's so depressing in here. Or maybe it's just me.
I cannot take this any longer....
End it for me....
I think I'm going crazy....
Every single day my head feels so empty yet so heavy....
Like its concentrated but when I dig in nothing's there....
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just wanna scream my lungs out....
Everything's heavy, my heart, my breathing.....
I can't go on any longer....
Just. End it for me...
Can this actually qualify as a poem? Cos you know, poems don't actually have a format (or do they?) and you can string a few words together and voila! You're a poet!
Yadda yadda yadda.....yak yak yak... (softer and softer)
Whatever. Nobody listens anyway.
Yesterday, or rather this morning, I left out my fifth random thought.
Fifth
In my opinion, my family is somewhat dysfunctional. In this house where everybody's grumpy all the time, where no one actually show that they care, I cant help but feel the abnormality in this otherwise "normal" family. Somehow, I feel that we're a bunch of misfits. Or maybe it's just me. And this... this house, perhaps the feng shui's not good or sth like that, everytime I step into this house, my mood turns bad. Almost instantly. Even before I put my foot into it. It's like,
at school: good mood
in the car: good mood
reaching the house: good mood
reached house, still in the car: good mood
in front of house grill: instant change to @#@%#^$ mood, dark clouds hover above head
I've no idea why this happens. Probably caused by the gust of negative energy from my house. That's why everybody's so grumpy all the time. That's why it's so depressing in here. Or maybe it's just me.
Random Thoughts
I want to rant I want to rant I want to rant.
I've gotta get all these thoughts out of my system or else I just can't/wont concentrate.
First
Dear freaking bloggie,
I dislocated my patela or kneecap or sth today! Man, I really felt sth shifted and pain ensued. It was more painful when I bent my leg so I just sat there, not really knowing what to do. I thought of straightening it really fast, like in the movies where you go 'crick crack!' and the job's done. But then I'm a coward. I was scared that my legs would fly off or my tibia would pop out...
So there I was bloggie, feeling oh-so-helpless. Scenes of my taking SPM in the hospital appeared in my head. Damn knee, sth has always been wrong with my right knee, it was my creaking knee. Probably the result of squatting in the toilet. I was trying to stay calm, and brave, so I waited for my mother to come down to maybe bring me to her chiropractor.
In the midst of breaking down, I said to my bro,"sth dislocated!" Well he looked concerned for a while bloggie, but that bugger didn't believe me when he saw that I was holding on to my knee! What he said was,"tch, can dislocate one meh?" WTF? I'm like, asking for your help here and you dismiss me like that? And he went on with his business... man, NOBODY takes me seriously in this house...
Now I'm thinking, if only it were more obvious, like sth sticking out at a weird angle or ath like that, not only would it be cool, people would actually believe me. Frightening and traumatising, yes, but still COOL.....
OK OK.... so in the end I straightened my leg slowly and it just moved back in place. Really! I felt it move! Phew! Luckily no surgery was required!
Message of the story: I'm nothing but a speck of dust to my family.
Second
I've been not wanting to care abt future SPM results but seeing how much my friends have been panicking, I sorta feel guilty for not caring... And my friends, they have plans of what to do after SPM, what to study and all that... but me? I feel like such a loser. Bleah.
Not to say I've given up but, I just want this whole ordeal to be over and done with. The freaking AGONYYYY! Actually I think the most torturous days are the few before the exam, where D-Day seems so close yet so far. There's the worries, there's the fumbling, there's the blanking out. And there's some sort of anticipation. For all this to be over. OMG AAAAAgony!!! ('A' must be said as if you're constipated)
And... and thatstupiduselesspatheticexcuseforasubject Sejarah! ARGHHHH Driving me up the wall!! Sejarah is a worm that bores through your brain sadistically, turning mine into more of a mush than it already is... It brainwashes you! fklskdf;lskd;flk;sldkf;slkd;fsk (mouth foaming) FUCK SEJARAH! SEJARAH ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Anyone who likes Sejarah are asswipes. Period.
I wanna say, stop caring so much people! If my results sucked, I'm pretty sure my parents would be more kan cheong than me, thus affecting me too, cos I'm so darn easily affected by their opinions and moods. Arghhh frus betul! I'm surrounded by all these people who... who... CARE! (for the lack of a better term)
I so wanna press the fast forward button right now. If only things were that easy...
Message of rant: Sejarah sucks the life out of you. Probably devised as a torture tool.
Third
I envy pinkpau. Fuiyoh, that girl can write leh! Her posts are capable of evoking strong emotions, unlike mine which has a total readership of one, including me. Jealousy, envy, admiration all moulded into a sphere, resides in me every time I read her pretty pinkish blog.
Forth
I asked myself one day,"How do you know who you are?" It was one of my 'questions of life' moments. I mean, are there boundaries? Who sets the guidelines of who you can be? How do you actually discover yourself? How does one soul search? What does the phrase 'be yourself' actually mean? Since you have no idea who you are. There's no theory or principle of what you should become, right? If I put on a facade to get through the day, to deal with difficult people, it's still ME right? It's what I do. That's part of ME. Nobody is really one dimensional, right? No statements in black and white restricting what one's personality should be exists. People evolve, change through time, do they ever have an inkling on who they really are? Whatever that means.
Sigh. I'm not very good at expressing myself, am I? I realise that when I gouge out my innermost thoughts, they come out incoherent and don't make much sense. But they sure made sense when they were in my mind...
This is hard, man. It's not like I'm gonna 'discover myself' in a courier parcel from Hawaii. Maybe I'm just too young? Haven't experienced enough asam garam in my life? Yeah, maybe. When is this identity crisis phase gonna end anyway?
*Heaves a big sighhhhh.* Cis, I sigh too much.
Note to self: I'm hoping that in years to come, I'll still be blogging and I'll look back at my archives. I'm hoping that I'll cackle like a hyena when I read this one. Especially the one on Sejarah. I'm hoping that I'll mumble,"and to think that I was bothered by petty issues like these... so silly... and SPM? cis, 'wet wet water'!" *cackle cackle cackle*
I've gotta get all these thoughts out of my system or else I just can't/wont concentrate.
First
Dear freaking bloggie,
I dislocated my patela or kneecap or sth today! Man, I really felt sth shifted and pain ensued. It was more painful when I bent my leg so I just sat there, not really knowing what to do. I thought of straightening it really fast, like in the movies where you go 'crick crack!' and the job's done. But then I'm a coward. I was scared that my legs would fly off or my tibia would pop out...
So there I was bloggie, feeling oh-so-helpless. Scenes of my taking SPM in the hospital appeared in my head. Damn knee, sth has always been wrong with my right knee, it was my creaking knee. Probably the result of squatting in the toilet. I was trying to stay calm, and brave, so I waited for my mother to come down to maybe bring me to her chiropractor.
In the midst of breaking down, I said to my bro,"sth dislocated!" Well he looked concerned for a while bloggie, but that bugger didn't believe me when he saw that I was holding on to my knee! What he said was,"tch, can dislocate one meh?" WTF? I'm like, asking for your help here and you dismiss me like that? And he went on with his business... man, NOBODY takes me seriously in this house...
Now I'm thinking, if only it were more obvious, like sth sticking out at a weird angle or ath like that, not only would it be cool, people would actually believe me. Frightening and traumatising, yes, but still COOL.....
OK OK.... so in the end I straightened my leg slowly and it just moved back in place. Really! I felt it move! Phew! Luckily no surgery was required!
Message of the story: I'm nothing but a speck of dust to my family.
Second
I've been not wanting to care abt future SPM results but seeing how much my friends have been panicking, I sorta feel guilty for not caring... And my friends, they have plans of what to do after SPM, what to study and all that... but me? I feel like such a loser. Bleah.
Not to say I've given up but, I just want this whole ordeal to be over and done with. The freaking AGONYYYY! Actually I think the most torturous days are the few before the exam, where D-Day seems so close yet so far. There's the worries, there's the fumbling, there's the blanking out. And there's some sort of anticipation. For all this to be over. OMG AAAAAgony!!! ('A' must be said as if you're constipated)
And... and thatstupiduselesspatheticexcuseforasubject Sejarah! ARGHHHH Driving me up the wall!! Sejarah is a worm that bores through your brain sadistically, turning mine into more of a mush than it already is... It brainwashes you! fklskdf;lskd;flk;sldkf;slkd;fsk (mouth foaming) FUCK SEJARAH! SEJARAH ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Anyone who likes Sejarah are asswipes. Period.
I wanna say, stop caring so much people! If my results sucked, I'm pretty sure my parents would be more kan cheong than me, thus affecting me too, cos I'm so darn easily affected by their opinions and moods. Arghhh frus betul! I'm surrounded by all these people who... who... CARE! (for the lack of a better term)
I so wanna press the fast forward button right now. If only things were that easy...
Message of rant: Sejarah sucks the life out of you. Probably devised as a torture tool.
Third
I envy pinkpau. Fuiyoh, that girl can write leh! Her posts are capable of evoking strong emotions, unlike mine which has a total readership of one, including me. Jealousy, envy, admiration all moulded into a sphere, resides in me every time I read her pretty pinkish blog.
Forth
I asked myself one day,"How do you know who you are?" It was one of my 'questions of life' moments. I mean, are there boundaries? Who sets the guidelines of who you can be? How do you actually discover yourself? How does one soul search? What does the phrase 'be yourself' actually mean? Since you have no idea who you are. There's no theory or principle of what you should become, right? If I put on a facade to get through the day, to deal with difficult people, it's still ME right? It's what I do. That's part of ME. Nobody is really one dimensional, right? No statements in black and white restricting what one's personality should be exists. People evolve, change through time, do they ever have an inkling on who they really are? Whatever that means.
Sigh. I'm not very good at expressing myself, am I? I realise that when I gouge out my innermost thoughts, they come out incoherent and don't make much sense. But they sure made sense when they were in my mind...
This is hard, man. It's not like I'm gonna 'discover myself' in a courier parcel from Hawaii. Maybe I'm just too young? Haven't experienced enough asam garam in my life? Yeah, maybe. When is this identity crisis phase gonna end anyway?
*Heaves a big sighhhhh.* Cis, I sigh too much.
Note to self: I'm hoping that in years to come, I'll still be blogging and I'll look back at my archives. I'm hoping that I'll cackle like a hyena when I read this one. Especially the one on Sejarah. I'm hoping that I'll mumble,"and to think that I was bothered by petty issues like these... so silly... and SPM? cis, 'wet wet water'!" *cackle cackle cackle*
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Time Capsule
Note: This time capsule is to be opened after SPM results have been taken.
Dear me,
So your results have been known eh? If it's good, then great! Go to a strip club and celebrate or sth! However, if it sucks big time or is below your expectation, then don't fret, I'm here to cheer you up.
Why am I here to cheer you up? Well, since you'll be ostracised by your own family and looked down upon by your peers, I'm the only person you've got, man. Yeah I know, how pathetic.
Firstly, you know you're gorgeous right? Come on, good looks can bring you anywhere! Yeah baby! Who needs results anyway? Burn that result slip and go pamper yourself!
Ok ok... on a more serious note, getting bad results is not the end of the world. Deal with it with 'ping seong sam'. Like that 'ming ju' you know? "hui shou xiang lai xiao se chu, gui qu, ye wu feng yu ye wu qing" or "shi fei cheng bai zhuan tou kong, qing shan yi jiu zai, xi yang ji du hong" you know? You can really learn from those. Don't let some crappy results define your intelligence or mere existence. Move on with life.
You can also console yourself by thinking, you were once a straight As student, so your having shit results will be very kembang-fying for other students, you are actually doing a good deed! Your good karma will eventually find you a good, loving, loaded husband, so yeah, there's no need to worry about your future.
Whatever your results are, remember that you still rock in your own way, k? Come on, say it out loud:" YOU RAWWWWKKKKK!!!" With more conviction, baby! YOU FREAKING RAWWWKKKKK!!!! WOOOOHH!!! (do the wave!)
Don't care what other people think, you see no evil, hear no evil. You must disregard every sucky opinion about you and only absorb the good ones. Ok, that may sound a tad too narcissistic. But hey, you're the one with the emotional turmoil! Stay with me here!
Listen to me! Don't go crying over spilt milk! That's just plain stupid! No 'what if's, ok? Although... sometimes you may ask yourself, "what if I had flat rock hard abs?" But I digress. When your parents nag you, just mute them, enough is enough. History shows that listening actually makes things worse.
Hey, I'm doing this for your own mental health ok? So you. better. do. as. I. say.
TAK NAK DEPRESSION! YOU FREAKING RAWKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
Dear me,
So your results have been known eh? If it's good, then great! Go to a strip club and celebrate or sth! However, if it sucks big time or is below your expectation, then don't fret, I'm here to cheer you up.
Why am I here to cheer you up? Well, since you'll be ostracised by your own family and looked down upon by your peers, I'm the only person you've got, man. Yeah I know, how pathetic.
Firstly, you know you're gorgeous right? Come on, good looks can bring you anywhere! Yeah baby! Who needs results anyway? Burn that result slip and go pamper yourself!
Ok ok... on a more serious note, getting bad results is not the end of the world. Deal with it with 'ping seong sam'. Like that 'ming ju' you know? "hui shou xiang lai xiao se chu, gui qu, ye wu feng yu ye wu qing" or "shi fei cheng bai zhuan tou kong, qing shan yi jiu zai, xi yang ji du hong" you know? You can really learn from those. Don't let some crappy results define your intelligence or mere existence. Move on with life.
You can also console yourself by thinking, you were once a straight As student, so your having shit results will be very kembang-fying for other students, you are actually doing a good deed! Your good karma will eventually find you a good, loving, loaded husband, so yeah, there's no need to worry about your future.
Whatever your results are, remember that you still rock in your own way, k? Come on, say it out loud:" YOU RAWWWWKKKKK!!!" With more conviction, baby! YOU FREAKING RAWWWKKKKK!!!! WOOOOHH!!! (do the wave!)
Don't care what other people think, you see no evil, hear no evil. You must disregard every sucky opinion about you and only absorb the good ones. Ok, that may sound a tad too narcissistic. But hey, you're the one with the emotional turmoil! Stay with me here!
Listen to me! Don't go crying over spilt milk! That's just plain stupid! No 'what if's, ok? Although... sometimes you may ask yourself, "what if I had flat rock hard abs?" But I digress. When your parents nag you, just mute them, enough is enough. History shows that listening actually makes things worse.
Hey, I'm doing this for your own mental health ok? So you. better. do. as. I. say.
TAK NAK DEPRESSION! YOU FREAKING RAWKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
The Joys of Camwhoring
These couple of days at school have been spent camwhoring! Wohoo! I have finally discovered the camwhore in me! Am I considered a late bloomer? I didn't realise that taking pics would be so fun, we did it for hours! This whole week was practically wasted....
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Renovation
My house is being renovated and Oh My God the noise! I was woken up abruptly at around 9.30am. Which is wayyyy early for me. All those drilling, hammering, and god-knows-what-else, you know what kind of noise they emit right? Yeah, imagine that 100 times louder cos I was practically behind the walls that were violently enveloped by shock waves. It was like sleeping in an amplifier. Only worse. I could even feel the floor vibrating, damnit. Which ended up in my waking up with uncontrollable spasms. Ugh, the trauma.
Somehow, I'm just not quite comfortable with changes. I'm the kind of person that prefers settling in her comfort zone. Wouldn't it be great if we're SIMians and everything could be changed with just a click of the mouse?
The noise totally wrecked my mood to study. So this couple of days I've practically been slacking off. Hence, this renovation can be an excuse for my failure in the exams. Yeah right...
Somehow, I'm just not quite comfortable with changes. I'm the kind of person that prefers settling in her comfort zone. Wouldn't it be great if we're SIMians and everything could be changed with just a click of the mouse?
The noise totally wrecked my mood to study. So this couple of days I've practically been slacking off. Hence, this renovation can be an excuse for my failure in the exams. Yeah right...
Friday, October 27, 2006
Blue Skies
Oh oh! The sky is soooo blue today! The sun is shining bright! Albeit just now it rained a lil... But it's still very tempting!
I feel I should be in a vast meadow somewhere, wearing some girly fluffy dress, prancing around in its lush greenness, chasing butterflies, giggling like an innocent schoolgirl (wait I AM a schoolgirl, but innocent? hmm..) ....
and sleeping on the soft green carpet when I get tired. Ahhh... that would be life!
Too bad, here I am stuck at home and dancing only in my mind. Pathetic betul.
Quote viewtru (about blue skies) :"A gift of nature, which many take for granted, fills my life with awesomeness."
I feel I should be in a vast meadow somewhere, wearing some girly fluffy dress, prancing around in its lush greenness, chasing butterflies, giggling like an innocent schoolgirl (wait I AM a schoolgirl, but innocent? hmm..) ....
and sleeping on the soft green carpet when I get tired. Ahhh... that would be life!
Too bad, here I am stuck at home and dancing only in my mind. Pathetic betul.
Quote viewtru (about blue skies) :"A gift of nature, which many take for granted, fills my life with awesomeness."
Feeling Royal
My stomach was in pain, and I ran to upstairs toilet wondering who put laxative in my food (a common thought for me in times of an emergency like this). Sitting on the toilet seat doing my "soothing" business (it wasn't exactly soothing, I was in pain and I swear my anus was ripped open)... err, back to my point.
The artificial orange light (toilet light) and natural sunlight came together, casting multicolour streaks of light by the window. The unlikely camaraderie made the toilet look pristine, clean for a change. For a moment, I felt I was basking in the gentle sunlight.
I looked around, suddenly feeling quite tiny in the toilet. In my mind's eye, I was in a mansion or castle with the ceiling wayyy up high and intricate designs decorated it. There even hung a spectacular chandelier.
Wooh, I felt ROYAL. There I was, a royal descendant sitting on my royal throne doing my superior "royal business". The reflective floor caught my eye and I smiled. Who knew having diarrhoea would be so liberating, eh?
The artificial orange light (toilet light) and natural sunlight came together, casting multicolour streaks of light by the window. The unlikely camaraderie made the toilet look pristine, clean for a change. For a moment, I felt I was basking in the gentle sunlight.
I looked around, suddenly feeling quite tiny in the toilet. In my mind's eye, I was in a mansion or castle with the ceiling wayyy up high and intricate designs decorated it. There even hung a spectacular chandelier.
Wooh, I felt ROYAL. There I was, a royal descendant sitting on my royal throne doing my superior "royal business". The reflective floor caught my eye and I smiled. Who knew having diarrhoea would be so liberating, eh?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Concerns
Ooooooo... that day I had fun messing around with my template. It's equivalent to having a Barbie doll and loads of mini clothes, getting to mix and match to your heart's content. So much fun!!! But I don't think I did a very good job... since it was during the wee hours of morning and my conscience was nagging.
Yesterday, or rather today (around 3 am) I was spending my time drawing instead of studying. Great! Way to go! Wohoo! Sigh, when will I ever learn?
And before I slept, I kinda came to the conclusion that the only 1As I'm gonna get in SPM is for English, Modern Maths and Chemistry...
Cannot like that! Must be positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday, or rather today (around 3 am) I was spending my time drawing instead of studying. Great! Way to go! Wohoo! Sigh, when will I ever learn?
And before I slept, I kinda came to the conclusion that the only 1As I'm gonna get in SPM is for English, Modern Maths and Chemistry...
Cannot like that! Must be positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Restless
I feel like rambling today. I think I'm addicted to blog-hopping. Totally OBSESSED. I'm like, checking on blogs every single minute. Crossing my fingers and hoping that people will update. And when they don't, I click on random links on their site, just to find something interesting to read. Sheesh. Cannot like that..... must concentrate! Must study! Arghh... update la you people!!
I wish this restlessness will pass, fast. Is there any way to obtain 24-hour attentiveness? I'm so failing at studying my ass off. If my SPM results suck, I'll probably feel guilty and cry my ass off cos I know that I didn't try my best.
And OH MY GOD, I have cellu-freaking-lite! I'm like what, 16?! Only 16 and already have cellulite? What the heck! These ripples on my thighs were there before, I just chose to ignore it (probably in denial) But now, there's no point in running away from the truth anymore. It's horrifying! My sedentary lifestyle has taken its toll on my body. Next, I'm gonna discover that 95% of my arteries are clogged. Anytime now... anytime now...
After SPM, I have to get off my ass and exercise like there's no tomorrow! No more lame excuses! And boy do I have a huge ass or what! *peers at humongous blocks of grease behind* I'll have a hard time lugging my baggage to the front door, even. Sigh...
Must study! Must concentrate! Must study! Must concentrate! Must... study.... must.. concen... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I wish this restlessness will pass, fast. Is there any way to obtain 24-hour attentiveness? I'm so failing at studying my ass off. If my SPM results suck, I'll probably feel guilty and cry my ass off cos I know that I didn't try my best.
And OH MY GOD, I have cellu-freaking-lite! I'm like what, 16?! Only 16 and already have cellulite? What the heck! These ripples on my thighs were there before, I just chose to ignore it (probably in denial) But now, there's no point in running away from the truth anymore. It's horrifying! My sedentary lifestyle has taken its toll on my body. Next, I'm gonna discover that 95% of my arteries are clogged. Anytime now... anytime now...
After SPM, I have to get off my ass and exercise like there's no tomorrow! No more lame excuses! And boy do I have a huge ass or what! *peers at humongous blocks of grease behind* I'll have a hard time lugging my baggage to the front door, even. Sigh...
Must study! Must concentrate! Must study! Must concentrate! Must... study.... must.. concen... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Friday, October 20, 2006
Encounters
Wednesday, I had my first encounter with a drunkard! The 4 of us went for lunch at Petaling Street. When we sat down, A sensed something was wrong at the next table. The guy kept on staring at C. I was the last one to know, as usual (cos I'm slow and unobservant liddat). So we moved closer together, as far away from him as possible.
And then he started ranting loudly:"You all don't have to be scared! I will protect you! I'm (insert sth) God! Hahahaha!" WTF ar... during our meal we were scared out of our shits and pissed in our pants. The latter is not true, of course. He asked:"Do you want to go to heaven with me? I'll bring you to heaven!" and other shits,"Study hard! I love you!" "I wont bring you to heaven, don't worry... I'll only bring those who betrayed me...." etc.
Luckily he wasn't violent. He was practically harmless. But still we were scared and C was grabbing my thigh relentlessly. Somehow, I had this faint urge to just punch him in the face or slap him senseless. "Get a grip on yourself! Stop bothering us!" If I were PMS-ing, my hormones surely would have drove me to do that. At the same time, I kinda pitied him. I was wondering what kind of turmoil did he experience.
He left before we finished our meal. He had a hand luggage with him. My friend, B said that he looked as if he was gonna commit suicide! When I thought abt it, yeah.. it pretty much looked like that right? And I linked it to that Spiderman comic strip when Peter Parker mistook someone else's bag for his. That guy wanted to commit suicide eh! Perhaps the drunkard had a newspaper in his luggage too? Just like in the comic strip!
Pffftt.. what am I rambling abt. This was probably my first encounter with a drunkard or anyone emotionally disturbed. BUT it really pales in comparison with other incidents our friends experienced. The same day at a cafe, they met a pervert who was staring and smiling at them lecherously while gyrating his groin! Or sth obscene like that la, I was not at the scene ma... The worst incident happened to another friend! Somebody flashed on the bus eh! Ewwwww... why are there so many pervs around? I'm lucky in the sense that I've never met one.. hey wait a min! I have!
I met a hamsup old ah pek twice! It was probably the same guy. The first time, he kinda walked past me and touched my hand from the elbow down. That time I thought it was just an accident, maybe he accidentally bumped into me liddat. But the second time! That sei hamsup lou tried to touch my thigh while walking past me again!! Fucker! It was only a light touch and the fucker really can walk fast! By the time I realised what had happened, he was already quite far away crossing the street! I looked back and realised in horror, OMG ah pek again! Must be the same jerk! What the hell does he do? Walk abt everyday preying on innocent schoolgirls? That's so sick and twisted! MCH! I hope he's already dead by now! Hmph!
And then he started ranting loudly:"You all don't have to be scared! I will protect you! I'm (insert sth) God! Hahahaha!" WTF ar... during our meal we were scared out of our shits and pissed in our pants. The latter is not true, of course. He asked:"Do you want to go to heaven with me? I'll bring you to heaven!" and other shits,"Study hard! I love you!" "I wont bring you to heaven, don't worry... I'll only bring those who betrayed me...." etc.
Luckily he wasn't violent. He was practically harmless. But still we were scared and C was grabbing my thigh relentlessly. Somehow, I had this faint urge to just punch him in the face or slap him senseless. "Get a grip on yourself! Stop bothering us!" If I were PMS-ing, my hormones surely would have drove me to do that. At the same time, I kinda pitied him. I was wondering what kind of turmoil did he experience.
He left before we finished our meal. He had a hand luggage with him. My friend, B said that he looked as if he was gonna commit suicide! When I thought abt it, yeah.. it pretty much looked like that right? And I linked it to that Spiderman comic strip when Peter Parker mistook someone else's bag for his. That guy wanted to commit suicide eh! Perhaps the drunkard had a newspaper in his luggage too? Just like in the comic strip!
Pffftt.. what am I rambling abt. This was probably my first encounter with a drunkard or anyone emotionally disturbed. BUT it really pales in comparison with other incidents our friends experienced. The same day at a cafe, they met a pervert who was staring and smiling at them lecherously while gyrating his groin! Or sth obscene like that la, I was not at the scene ma... The worst incident happened to another friend! Somebody flashed on the bus eh! Ewwwww... why are there so many pervs around? I'm lucky in the sense that I've never met one.. hey wait a min! I have!
I met a hamsup old ah pek twice! It was probably the same guy. The first time, he kinda walked past me and touched my hand from the elbow down. That time I thought it was just an accident, maybe he accidentally bumped into me liddat. But the second time! That sei hamsup lou tried to touch my thigh while walking past me again!! Fucker! It was only a light touch and the fucker really can walk fast! By the time I realised what had happened, he was already quite far away crossing the street! I looked back and realised in horror, OMG ah pek again! Must be the same jerk! What the hell does he do? Walk abt everyday preying on innocent schoolgirls? That's so sick and twisted! MCH! I hope he's already dead by now! Hmph!
Friday, October 13, 2006
I is a speck of dust
Lately, I don't know why but I've been feeling sentimental and all that. Yesterday, there I was on my bed trying to sleep. Then, I remembered a magazine article about ways to sharpen your mind. One of them was try to randomly choose a year and think back on any interesting events that happened, before going to bed. Ok, I thought, easy enough, let's try that.
So, I chose 6 years ago, when I was in Standard 5. Then I started to get all nostalgic, you know, because honestly Standard 5 was one of my best years, I guess. At least that's what I think. That year was a good year..... I was reminiscing on my admirers.... hahahaha.... damn, I was popular! Ok, end gloating. And then, MCH I went waaayyy back to kindergarten, and tried to remember anything during those years as well. That was totally uncalled for. Why the heck did I do that? The article only stated ONE year.
Sheesh. From kindergarten I went on to Std 1, 2, 3 and so on and so on. At least I TRIED to recall events, but seeing that I don't have a sharp memory... vague scenes just appeared in my (blank) head. Gosh, I realised that I was so totally freaking shy. That may have improved a lil bit over the years. But I'm still quite shy eh. Some events were hilarious, some embarassing, it was like a slideshow in my head.
I wished that I could start over. Numerous "If only"s pranced about in my head, teasing me endlessly. 'If only I was more daring' 'If only I wasn't so shy' 'If only I was a born leader' etc. And that was the moment that tears welled up in my eyes. The bitter-sour feeling deep down my throat lingered. But tears didn't flow. I was a bit confused. I didn't get why I felt like crying. It was just so sudden. I was like,"OMG, WTF, where did these tears come from?"
It was probably caused by regrets. Regrets that the whole 16 years of my life had been NOTHING. There were no precious memories, nothing worth mentioning at all. Like, what did I DO all those past years??! NOTHING!!
In the end, I felt like crap and lost maybe an hour of precious sleep. MCH that stupid article.
*This has been sitting as my draft for over a week now. Lost the mood to blog abt it liao.
So, I chose 6 years ago, when I was in Standard 5. Then I started to get all nostalgic, you know, because honestly Standard 5 was one of my best years, I guess. At least that's what I think. That year was a good year..... I was reminiscing on my admirers.... hahahaha.... damn, I was popular! Ok, end gloating. And then, MCH I went waaayyy back to kindergarten, and tried to remember anything during those years as well. That was totally uncalled for. Why the heck did I do that? The article only stated ONE year.
Sheesh. From kindergarten I went on to Std 1, 2, 3 and so on and so on. At least I TRIED to recall events, but seeing that I don't have a sharp memory... vague scenes just appeared in my (blank) head. Gosh, I realised that I was so totally freaking shy. That may have improved a lil bit over the years. But I'm still quite shy eh. Some events were hilarious, some embarassing, it was like a slideshow in my head.
I wished that I could start over. Numerous "If only"s pranced about in my head, teasing me endlessly. 'If only I was more daring' 'If only I wasn't so shy' 'If only I was a born leader' etc. And that was the moment that tears welled up in my eyes. The bitter-sour feeling deep down my throat lingered. But tears didn't flow. I was a bit confused. I didn't get why I felt like crying. It was just so sudden. I was like,"OMG, WTF, where did these tears come from?"
It was probably caused by regrets. Regrets that the whole 16 years of my life had been NOTHING. There were no precious memories, nothing worth mentioning at all. Like, what did I DO all those past years??! NOTHING!!
In the end, I felt like crap and lost maybe an hour of precious sleep. MCH that stupid article.
*This has been sitting as my draft for over a week now. Lost the mood to blog abt it liao.
Monday, September 25, 2006
The Worst Period of My Life
Of all the days and seconds to have my period, I must have it during my Bio paper? This has got to be the most cynical period I will ever have! The paper also had a question regarding the period cycle. Is this some kind of a sick joke or what? I was praying with every fibre of my being that it was only discharge... you know, after that feeling of sth gushing out from you-know-where.
Sigh. Had to wash my panties and eth... so troublesome! Anyway, I don't think I did very well. Oh well, more proof that I'm not doctor material! I was sweating profusely and simply wrote some gibberish, hoping that somehow I would get some sympathy marks. So pathetic, man. And my seat is so humid and freaking hot somemore, like sitting in a sauna room only...
I have this theory, right, that every group of studious girls have at least one guy member, a guy that prefers to mix with girls. This fella usually is considered the "Responsible One". At least more responsible and sensible that the other guys in the class. He would be dubbed a nerd/geek by the other guys. Some sort of an awkward position la. Actually, my bro is somewhat that kind of guy. His reason? Normal guys don't study... but he also has guy friends la, just that his girl friends outnumber them by a lot a lot. And, my class also has a guy like that. Which mixes with me and the other "nerdy" girls of my class (hinting that moi is a studious girl). Therefore, I came up with this lame conclusion. Kinda presumptuous and judgemental, I know. This is in my effort to sharpen my observation skills eh. Cos my observation sucks and all. That's totally why I have nothing to blog about.
"You suck!" (talking to myself)
lalalala...
Sigh. Had to wash my panties and eth... so troublesome! Anyway, I don't think I did very well. Oh well, more proof that I'm not doctor material! I was sweating profusely and simply wrote some gibberish, hoping that somehow I would get some sympathy marks. So pathetic, man. And my seat is so humid and freaking hot somemore, like sitting in a sauna room only...
I have this theory, right, that every group of studious girls have at least one guy member, a guy that prefers to mix with girls. This fella usually is considered the "Responsible One". At least more responsible and sensible that the other guys in the class. He would be dubbed a nerd/geek by the other guys. Some sort of an awkward position la. Actually, my bro is somewhat that kind of guy. His reason? Normal guys don't study... but he also has guy friends la, just that his girl friends outnumber them by a lot a lot. And, my class also has a guy like that. Which mixes with me and the other "nerdy" girls of my class (hinting that moi is a studious girl). Therefore, I came up with this lame conclusion. Kinda presumptuous and judgemental, I know. This is in my effort to sharpen my observation skills eh. Cos my observation sucks and all. That's totally why I have nothing to blog about.
"You suck!" (talking to myself)
lalalala...
Friday, September 22, 2006
Reality Sucks
Whoa it has been almost a month since my last post. 4 more days of trial left. Sigh. We have too freaking much subjects to study for. 11 freaking subjects,ok. And what pisses me off are those useless ones, like Moral, History, EST... Tell me, what the heck are those for? I don't understand those ppl who take as many subjects as they can. What's the freaking point man I ask you. (Ok la maybe I'm just being envious here)
And I'm finding myself less and less interested in Science. Perhaps I'm just not a Science person. Kinda like the black sheep of the family. I have NO IDEA what I wanna do after SPM, NO IDEA what I wanna be, NO IDEA what the hell am I yadda yadda yadda... A disturbing thought that occured to me a long time ago was I incapable of doing anything, except studying! I don't have any marketable skills or talent, making me useless like shit (heck, even shit has its uses), thus rendering me a lifetime of parasitic existence, sucking off all my parents' money till the end. OH MY GOD! And I don't even LIKE studying! OH. MY. FREAKING. GOD. Reality hit me hard. (Am I using God's name in vain here? Will I be sued for blasphemy? OMG)
See, my life is as interesting as a sloth's. Bleah.
And I'm finding myself less and less interested in Science. Perhaps I'm just not a Science person. Kinda like the black sheep of the family. I have NO IDEA what I wanna do after SPM, NO IDEA what I wanna be, NO IDEA what the hell am I yadda yadda yadda... A disturbing thought that occured to me a long time ago was I incapable of doing anything, except studying! I don't have any marketable skills or talent, making me useless like shit (heck, even shit has its uses), thus rendering me a lifetime of parasitic existence, sucking off all my parents' money till the end. OH MY GOD! And I don't even LIKE studying! OH. MY. FREAKING. GOD. Reality hit me hard. (Am I using God's name in vain here? Will I be sued for blasphemy? OMG)
See, my life is as interesting as a sloth's. Bleah.
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