Sorry for the multiple posts in one day. Not sure why I'm apologizing but... whatever.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

OMG Twilight sucks like big time. Like 'Ugh-why-am-I-putting-myself-through-this-shit awful'. 'Why-am-I-still-watching-this-shit' awful. 'Oh Goddddd *pukeeeee*'. Yeah, it sucks like that.

Man, I don't even get what was all the fucking hype about? Girls went crazy over Robert Pattinson? OMG I'm sorry but I don't find him hot at all. Hello there are way hotter guys out there please... are you people blind?

The story was stupidly simple. And stupid. The acting, sub par. The dialogue... omg words cannot describe the dialogue. Puke-inducing... dumbass... mind-deflating (really I felt my already not very high IQ level decline just by listening to that shit)

Edward: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb"

Bella: "What a stupid lamb"

Edward: "What a sick, masochistic lion"

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG MY EARS!!!! MY BRAIN!!!!

If I were at the set I would've bitchslapped the fuck out of those two wtf. Was that from the novel? Oh fuck I hope not. It's so fucking stupid that it burnt a hole in my skull and unfortunately I will remember it longer than medically permissible wtf.

The only character I rooted for was probably Bella's father, the Sheriff. Just because he seems nice. And less dumb.

AND, apparently, vampires glitter when they're hit by sunlight. Bella said that's beautiful. WTF fuck you lah that's fucking pansy!!!! Vampires are not fucking Halloween glam rock costumes or handmade cards by kindergartners!!! They are not supposed to glitter! They're supposed to scream in agony when their skin burst into flames under sunlight you hear me?!

Pfffft Twilight. I went through the whole fucked up movie cos I had nothing better to do / was too bored / wanted to see what all the hooha was about. Plus, you know what they say about accidents and it being horrifying but you just can't stop looking. I mean I could have just stopped it after the first 10 minutes. But I was hoping that maybe later there was some redeeming quality in it. Well the answer was no.

Unfortunately I can't call Twilight fans douchebags cos my best friend loved it T_______T. Why oh why???? She said that Edward would appear progressively hotter throughout the movie. Another reason why I stuck through it. Once again the answer was no. Sigh I'm sorry but the only way that spastic could become hotter is if he transformed into Wentworth Miller ok?

And there's a new movie coming out... New Moon is it? Well that's one movie I'm never gonna watch even with a gun pointed at my temple wtf.

I just read pinkpau's blog, and can't help but to feel that I can relate to that. Granted, what a reader said in her comment was true, ie "I don’t know what you’re going through except than what you reveal here.", what we are experiencing may not be the same but what we're feeling could be similar nevertheless.

She used to be so chirpy, and happy and it was like she was capable of facing the world and doing anything. I really admired her gung-honess and spirit, but now her updates have become sparse and less... well, happy. Makes me wonder, if even such a person with great spirit could get eroded by life, is there any hope left for the rest of us?

Sometimes I wonder, what went wrong? What happened to me? Was I always like this? What did I do wrong? Heck, I'm only 19 and already numb as fuck! Is it supposed to be that way? Do we all eventually become jaded and numb?

I don't know if perhaps I have a genetic disposition to not being enthused all the time wtf, cos really, my family ain't the most cheerful bunch of all. Maybe that's why I have a tendency to get beaten down, to be overcome with melancholy. Or maybe it's just hormones and I have unusually long PMSes wtf, who knows. But that's all I've got, a bunch of "maybe"s. I don't really know.

When I'm in class, attending lectures or tutorials, it just feels that each time a little part of me dies inside. Not to sound dramatic but that's just what comes to mind. Cos really, I don't give a fuck about what I'm studying, I'm not interested whatsoever.

Yesterday, my friend and I were waiting at the bus stop, and a random lady came by with her baby. And some Caucasians (especially the older ones) just like to do what Asians would probably never do, chat with a stranger at the bus stop wtf. Anyway, blablabla and she asked my friend, "What are you planning to do in the future?" (Something like that) so friend answered "Accounting" lah.

The lady replied, "Oh, how boring ... (her tone made it sound like the most boring profession in the world, which it probably is -_-)" I sat there and just wanted to nod and say, "I couldn't agree more" emphatically.

And after that she started singing to her baby like a crazy lady. (Wtf no la just adding a pointless sentence)

In the midst of staying afloat, of just existing, it seems that my passion for reading has dwindled. I think it's not completely wiped out yet, I still imagine an afternoon of lying down and reading a book as perfectly pleasant. It's just that, when I read for leisure nowadays, I'm just too restless. As if there's something else better to do, as if I'm actually wasting my time. *Gasp* I'm sorry but I do not want to become a creature too restless for reading! *cries*

Sigh. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, my thoughts are just all over the place right now.

Oh and I also wonder, is this just a phase? Will I ever stop feeling like this? If it's just a phase, then heck it's a hell of a long phase. I've been feeling or un-feeling this way for a long longgg time, wondering when is it ever gonna stop or am I gonna go through life like sigh, this.

And you know what the saddest thing is? I don't even know what I really want to be, as opposed to being an accountant. I don't even have a specific dream that I live for, that I one day hope to achieve. I suppose I possess somewhat of a talent in drawing, but so what? So do millions of other people around. Where would that teensy bit of talent take me? FFS, there are so many others way better than me.

Once I realized that, I realized that I'm probably good for nothing then. I realized that I'm at the bottom rung of the Artistic People Hierarchy. Like, I belong with the untouchables in the hierarchy wtf.

I think that one of the reasons why I didn't really really fight to do Arts (as in threaten to run away and sleep under bridges when parents didn't let me), other than the reason that I didn't know which Arts course to take, was deep down I was afraid that I would find out during the course of my studies that I wasn't that artistically good at all.
That I would have to face the fact that all I had was very little talent, and nothing more. I was afraid of being stripped away of the one thing that made me, me. Of the one thing that I felt I was remotely good at.

And so, here I am today. Sitting in a country where my feet are almost constantly cold, putting away homework and skipping classes. There haven't been updates because there's nothing much to blog about. I haven't been thinking much at all. I think 99.9% of my brain is practically going to waste. The fact is there is so much this world could offer, but I'm just too lazy? unmotivated? apathetic? to participate.

There haven't been updates because it'll be the same old, same old 'I feel numb' stuff (kinda oxymoron wtf), and I don't wanna risk sounding like whiny old bitch. I know, I should be grateful, I should be more appreciative of all these. Heck, from a third person's vantage point, my life really isn't that bad, so what the hell are you whining about? I know, believe me I do.

I won't give excuses trying to justify my whininess, I guess I'm just a whiny person wtf. Gosh aren't you sick of the word whiny already wtf.

But I'm updating today, after reading pinkpau's post and her readers' comments and post, cos I'm reassured that I'm not alone in this. There are also people tired of life and are beaten down emotionally, although they're not 'unfortunate' in traditional terms. It's just how life operates. Life does screw everyone.

Jaded:
1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
3. dissipated

Overwork? Overuse? Fuck I haven't been doing anything for the past few weeks and even so I still feel jaded wtf. How is that possible?

Tell Me,

Why do I have the attention span of a freaking peanut?

Many of us didn't know her personally, yet we know that Malaysia has lost a wonderful icon as her work has managed to touch our hearts and shown what an insightful person she is.

I can't imagine what her close family and friends are even going through right now.

You will surely be missed, RIP Yasmin Ahmad.

I think I'll develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or something, not from being a diligent hardworker completing work using the computer 24/7,

but from incessant playing of Spider Solitaire and Freecell wtf.

Now that, is just saaaaaad...

PHAIL

Guess what I'm doing?

Well guess what I'm NOT doing. Studying wtf...

Epic PHAIL.

I:

- Youtube
- Eat
- Piss
- Eat some more
- Read blogs
- Rewatch videos for the gazillionth time
- Find stuff to download

Oh guess what's not on the list?

STUDY wtf.

Again, epic PHAIL.

Do you go 'Whoa' when you realize that you spent the whole day doing nothing but eat, sleep, watch downloaded shows and chores?

Today was one of those days...

I think

I successfully burnt my tongue today wtf...

that today was another day pretty much gone to waste...

that I ate enough for three today...

I miss home...

The sad thing is, my English proficiency level has either deteriorated or has remained stagnant since high school.

And that, doesn't make me happy :(((.

Woe is me II

I can't even count the times I've accidentally cut myself while using the knife anymore T_T

My hands are like covered with minor cuts and scars. By the rate I'm going... I don't even wanna think about what's gonna happen WTF. (maciam banyak serious like that wtf)

Woe is me

*clicks on URL*

"Wtf STIL haven't updated??? How long has it been already? Not doing Project 365 one meh??"

*Sees date*

"Eh? This was yesterday's post? Why do I feel like I've seen it a million times already?"

Realize, "That's because I have T_______T"

Such is the pathetic existence that is me. Revisiting blogs a million times a day. T___T

Fuck this shit!

I might just declare this blog dead. Sigh...

KK!!!

ZOMG KRISPY KREME IS FINALLY COMING TO MSIA!!!! WTF!!!! I WANT I WANT I WANT!!! IT'S ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING TIME WEI!!!

Why do good things happen AFTER I'm freakin miles away?? First Jason Mraz now this? Holy shit guacamole!

Wonder how much would they be selling the damn awesome doughnuts for? Maybe it'll be cheaper to get them here pulak wtf.

Sigh. KK absolutely pwns all the other doughnuts out there. Other doughnut selling outlets at Times Square, prepare to go bankrupt wtf.

*teary eyed* The thought of Krispy Kreme in KL just makes me all fuzzy and warm inside. Wtf. So happy :)))

Tak Boleh

Fuck this shit!

I simply CANNOT get this outta my head!

*Click*

HAHA so damn sohai. FotC FTW, totally.

Side note: Also CANNOT seem to concentrate on all these words and numbers jumping out at me from these damn textbooks. Le sigh. Bestow some concentration upon me please wtf!

Long ing

Got this from an email:

The battle between the common Malay and UMNO is just beginning :

Cry my beloved Malay soul
AB Sulaiman

When Alan Paton wrote 'Cry The Beloved Country' he was lamenting over
the inhumanity of man over man, of how the whites can devise,
construct and implement race- and colour-based social and economic
injustices over the blacks in apartheid-era South Africa.  The whole
world had condemned this practice; we (Malaysian Government) were
among the loudest screaming against it.

South Africa has moved on since then, and today it is one shining
example of an emancipated, open and progressive country, enjoying a
respectable place in the community of nations. It has thrown apartheid
into the bins of its history.

Here in Malaysia, yes we condemn apartheid, and quite rightly so. But
in the same breath we were and are still its major proponent our
version of apartheid.  We do not call it apartheid; of course not. We
call it instead 'Ketuanan Melayu' under the guise of 'championing
Malay rights,' and implementing it under the New Economic Policy
(NEP). It's smart, right ? In none of them does the word 'apartheid'
appear !

Yes, we are smart. We do not blatantly call it apartheid, we merely
perfected the process of social separation. First of all we ensure the
great majority of civil servants, the police, and the military are
manned by Malays (the target benefactors). We give them good salaries,
good perks and assured employment. We then devise rules and
regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP's easy implementation.
We then brainwash our Malay brethren with the notion 'untuk agama
bangsa dan negara' that there is a higher ideal beyond performing a
duty with professionalism and dedication, and that is doing things in
the name of religion and race.

We devise rules and regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP's
easy implementation. Then we design and implement social and economic
policies like channeling lucrative government contracts, separate
education streams, housing rebates, banking and financial support, in
favour of, you guessed it, the Malays.

It does not stop there. We devise measures to prevent the people from
raising too much objections to all these by introducing or continuing
legislation and religiously implementing them. The Sedition Act for
example stops people from talking too much about language and
religion. The Official Secrets Act prevents people from gaining access
to government files. Students and lecturers are not allowed to discuss
and make public any subject that would appear to be critical to
government (yes, government, not political) policies and philosophies.
All publications must, first of all, get operating licences.
Newspapers must not only get a licence before publishing but it must
be renewed every year.

Sacrifices conveniently forgotten
The king of all of the suppressive and oppressive laws is the Internal
Security Act, when a citizen can be put under detention without the
benefit of any charge ! All said and done, we sacrifice the rule of
law in favour of rule by private individuals. To show that we are
really smart, we pooh pooh the loyalty and patriotism of the non-Malay
segment of the population.

We call them pendatang or immigrants bearing the stigma that they are
social discard from their original country, similar to rogues,
rascals, refugees, mercenaries and scoundrels. We just ignore their
proven talent and ability in wealth creation and economic
productivity, as well as to their demonstrated loyalty and patriotism.
Many of such pendatangs have made the ultimate sacrifices as military
personnel defending its security, during the Emergency, the
Confrontation period with Indonesia and as policemen while policing
the social environment.  They have contributed and are continuing to,
in sport and the arts. Their record as loyal and patriotic Malaysians
is quite impeccable. But we do not really care.

The perplexing thing is that despite these attributes and positive
records of the non-Malays, we are still going about championing and
implement apartheid principles. In this new year, perhaps we can do
with a little reflection: why are we doing all this?

We do this apparently to recover our lost soul. We perceive that we
have been victims of colonisation when the Portuguese, Dutch and
British colonisers all but butchered the Malay entity, psychology and
culture. In the process we perceive that we have lost our Malay
identity.
With independence, we thought we could recapture the lost glory of
Malay suzerainty by becoming masters of all facets of a nation,
especially its commerce, and economy. We found out that the Chinese
community had beaten us to it.  We felt the Chinese had capitalised on
our weakness and captured the economic initiatives (and wealth) as
well as the social characteristics of the country. We lost 'face'.

Now we want to regain the mertabat or dignity and pride of the Malay
race!  Yes, we feel that we have to recover our soul and it is here
that we are reminded of Paton's book title, but in this case suitably
paraphrased to – cry my beloved Malay soul.  Our Malay soul needs to
cry for doing the right thing for the wrong reason or the wrong thing
for the right reason; even for the wrong thing for the wrong reason,
but not for the right thing for the right reason.

To start with colonisation is really not an excuse for our
psychological malaise and ineptitude. Colonisation has been a feature
of human history and felt all over the world. There are very few
countries that have not been colonised in the world.  It is thus a
neutral concept in human social and economic development. It is
certainly not an impediment to social or economic progress as we are
wont to portray it. We should dump this notion that we hold dear into
the bin of history.

Rethinking our way of thinking
Just look at the records. The Koreans were once colonised by the
Japanese, but today Korea is an industrial power house. Singapore was
once colonised by the British and was indeed a part of us, and today
we see this tiny country being a solid financial, trading and
industrial entity. Most pointedly of all, the US was once a British
colony and today it is the mightiest nation in the world. Our second
grouse - that the Chinese have cornered the economic sector of the
country also needs re-looking into, on two counts.

First, the Chinese did not become successful based on any conscious
and concerted economic programme to economically marginalise us.
We did this self-inflicted wound ourselves. As proof, we have to note
that most of the Chinese came to our shores with only their feet,
hands, guts and brains and perhaps a bundle of clothes, nothing more.
They become successful for their hard work, both physically and
mentally and for the sacrifices they were prepared to make and had
undertaken. They were successful for having the mental fortitude to
seek opportunities, grab those that come along and worked extra hard
to realise the potentials of these opportunities.

Secondly, we have been given a chance to be equal with them, both
under numerous 'special privileges' enshrined in the Constitution, as
well as under its NEP implementation programme. The special privileges
have always been in the constitution while the latter began in 1970.
In short, we have been given the chance - the opportunity - many times
over, to better our Malay polity. Whereas the Chinese had to struggle
just to find and identify the opportunities, in our case they were
handed to us on a silver platter! Thus far we have failed to
capitalise adequately on them. It rather shameful we missing out on
these chances specially created for us in the first place.

Either way the root cause of our weaknesses and the strength of the
Chinese lies in two words - positive thinking. Our thinking is mired
with so many dos and don'ts, so many musts and musn'ts, so many cans
and cannots, may and may nots, plenty enough to created and
internalise doubts and fears in our minds. So much so that we have
doubt over what we can and what we can't do, what is allowed and what
is not. We spend a lifetime looking for these highly complex cans and
cannots, musts and must nots, that we have hardly any mental energy
left to develop and self-confidence to get on and face the realities
of life.

Let's refer to this case as the 'can't don't and won't syndrome'. The
Chinese by the way are not encumbered by such syndromes.  What appears
to have happened is that this syndrome has affected our mental ability
to conceptualise. We see things on the straight and narrow. We accept
wisdoms handed down to us by our elders as the gospel truth.

Blinded by sentiment
We do not see that things can be seen and interpreted in many
alternative ways. We feel we have the monopoly on truth; we therefore
think that we are right all the time and other people are wrong all
the time. Witness the way we see religion for example.
We think that we as Muslims are right and other people who profess
other religions are wrong, all the time.

We need to cry for thinking that we can and have doctored the way the
people think and do things. We have been intimidating the people with
what they can read or write or think and do. We seem to be saying "you
can think anything, do anything, write anything so long as it does not
criticise or condemn the government".

Soul-searching and resuscitating is not or should not be about
pointing accusing fingers at some bogeys. That would be a most
negative thing to do. It would be better for us to be open-minded and
be able to identify our own strengths and weaknesses. We improve upon
our strengths and dump our weaknesses. Mainly we must be able to
develop the awareness that we have both the strengths and weaknesses
in the first place. To illustrate, the NEP has proved many time over
as a failed strategy for our socio-economic advancement. Let us be
aware of this in the first place and move on seeking other ways with
better chance of success. How about secularising the Malay mind? It
might make for a good start for we can see many of the don'ts, can'ts,
musn'ts dissipating into the wind. In the meantime, here we are in the
early days of a new year. We should begin by realising that whatever
'smart' moves we had undertaken all this while have not really been
that smart after all.

The joke is on us. Everybody says so – the liberated Malays, the
non-Malays, our neighbours and the rest of the international
community. Only those of us basking in our closed mind and benefiting
from the profits of the status quo say it's alright. Happy New Year
all the same and here's hoping this year we can get a good perspective
as to what propagating a good mertabat really means. It's long
overdue.

In the meantime, cry my beloved Malay soul.







:( I feel so sad for my country. So much potential, so beautiful.

But wrecked and blinded by greed, corruption, dirty politics, self righteousness, closed minds.

It's home.

There's no where else I belong, no matter how many countries I visit, how hard I try to blend in.

Fact is the blood in me, is Malaysian.

Ancestors were from China, but would the Chinese accept me as one of their own with open arms?

I doubt it.

There's no place like home, really.

What is it like?

to do things out of passion and interest,

instead of duty and obligation?

One month.

Already.

And still alive.

Can't say the same for the blog though wtf.

Eh

Wtf I'm flying off TODAY? TONIGHT?? Are you fucking kidding me wei?

Argh argh argh.

Anyway, don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Oh God tomorrow need to go out again. Aih I don't know why I agreed to it. My friend crazy one, been asking me out everyday this week T_T

I freaking love my alone time la is that so hard to understand? Spending time with myself is like the highlight of my day haha I sound like a fucking narcissist who masturbates wtf.

Yeah but it's true (not the masturbating narcissist part la haiya). I feel so fucking lazy to go out. Most of the time, if not all, I just wanna stay at home and do... stuff. Or better yet, nothing. Hello doing nothing is my absolute looove. I don't even recognize boredom anymore cos doing nothing is like the highlight of my day WTF WTF.

Yes. I've turned into this boring old hag! And I don't seem to mind. I like being invisible. Being unknown. Being low profile. Yea. *peace sign wtf*

Fucking random post before I leave wtf.

Goodbye, delicious, sinful, filling Ramly burgers. Double Special Cheese OMG FTW. I'm drooling already fuck this.

Finally,

something to be excited about wtf.

For RM300, I did something my parents would think is stupid, unforgivable, totally wasteful!









What is it, you ask?

Did I whore myself wtf?

Or did I pay some whore for carnal pleasure wtf?






NO. It's this:























(after bath)



YES I finally got inked!

Behold:
































(Taken after taking bandage out, pictures blur as they're cropped. Cannot show my room haha the perils of blogging anonymously wtf)

Ish I wanna put up pictures of my bloody bandage one, can see the bloody 'ROCK' outline somemore wtf. But I lazy. Heh.

How painful was it eh? Sometimes, it felt like getting sliced with a knife. Sometimes, it was bearable haha. But the artist inked a little then rubbed a little, so can tahan lah. Mine took about an hour.

Gross part:
I was sweating without even knowing it wtf. Mind you I was wearing a tube in an air-conditioned room. Mana tahu I felt the sweat travel down my arms wtf. Not a neverending current la luckily wtf. It was hardly noticeable. Ha... ha... I hope wtf *shifty eyed*.

To be honest, the 'K' is a lil bit senget haha. But do I look like I care wtf! Actually I myself can't even see it up front! It's more of being satisfied I can strike one thing off my to-do list WTF. Or, when I feel like it again, I can just get another tattoo! To cover up the sengetness, or camouflage it, or divert attention away from it whatever. Yay. I think almost definitely I'll get another one. An image. Ahhh *dreamy*

This is also a 'Fuck You' to them who want to turn all of us into mindless, conforming drones. Lanjiao go eat shit ok. I don't need your damn money wtf. _l_

Conflicted

Why?

Because a part of me wishes that I won't have the need to sleep, hence more time can be spent doing things I'm supposed to be doing.

But a part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. That's why I wake up at around late afternoon everyday when the room feels like an oven. Because it'll be too fucking hot to ignore the little voice in my head that goes "Time to fucking wake up... Ugghhh...". Because I'll be fucking sweating like nobody's business.

Cibai.

UuuuuuUUWAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so fucking tired of looking for a fucking place to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT LA!!!!!

I

am...

such a procrastinator!!! Delay search for house la, delay bathing la wtf, delay any research whatsoever la, delay any form of learning whatsoever la, delay this delay that... As my mum simply loves loves LOVES to say, I always DILLY-DALLY wtf.

Digressing, I think dilly-dally is THE most disgusting phrase ever! I've been bombarded with it since God-knows-when (since I started dilly-dallying and never looked back I guess wtf), so many times that I just want to fucking strangle it! And the person who came up with it. Why the fuck did you decide to torment mankind with such a disgusting, revolting phrase like dilly dally??! Have you gotten sick of the phrase yet? No? Try repeating it ten times everyday. That would be suffice to make you sick to your stomach.

Ok, so I should be surfing for some plausible places to stay. But what do I do first? Well read blogs of course wtf! And I do that every single time wtf. No matter that I just clicked on those links a few moments ago. No matter that I know those blogs won't have new posts up anytime soon. Still, I click on those bloody links. OR, I click on new links! Discover more blogs wtf! The possibilities are endless cos no worries, there are millions of blogs out there yo! And in the end, didn't manage to accomplish shit. Sigh.

What is wrong with me can someone tell me? Can you? Or you? Or you? *points everywhere even if nobody's there wtf*

***

should...

learn how to be grateful yadda yadda...

not feel so stressed? (But how can one not in times like these sigh)

be excited wtf?

be calm and composed wtf.

repeat this to myself:

There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

be fearless, as a result of repeating the mantra wtf.

practice what I preach.

not avoid.

learn.

organise.

Note: Wtf this list can go on forever and ever... so I shall not continue.

***

don't plan things too far into the future. I don't have a list like,
By 28:
1. Get married.
2. Earn first million.
3. Buy bungalow.

29:
1. Have kids.
2. Earn first billion.
3. Buy a continent.

You know, a list like that. I'm sure some people do.

It's just, easier to face life a day at a time. (Partly due to procrastinating nature wtf) Life just doesn't seem so heavy that way.

That's why I don't really want to look into the future, say 10 years from now, and ask where would I be. Who knows, I could be dead by then. The future is unpredictable shit, accidents can happen, sickness can happen, anything can happen.

And that is why, I'm not bervisi like other people wtf.

Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

Maybe it's also because I don't see myself advancing anywhere in life doing something I don't give two fucks about. Because I gave up, the moment I found out that life is fucked up and so is the world.

Arghhh. Think happy thoughts happy thoughts wtf.

Er er... world peace! Freedom! Rainbows! Teh tarik! Instant noodles! Ramly burgers! Chicken rice! Ba gua! KFC! Pizza! (Wtf once start with food confirm cannot stop one)

Ephemeral

Last November, after finals when I came back home and was immediately unpacking, my mum said, "This is not the end, you know. It's just the beginning!" (insert awkward/nervous laughter some more). Partly cos I was putting things back and she thought I should set them aside for when I head abroad instead.

That time all I felt was, "Not. Funny. At. All. -_-... just leave me alone la ugh."

Suddenly, I really am nearing that supposed beginning. Tiba-tiba jer, flung into this whole whirlwind of information, anxiety, worry, stress, fruitless search, terror, fluctuations, answerless questions, endless questions, pressure, responsibility, independence and a lot more. It's a bigass whirlwind all right.

WOI! what happened to my holiday wei?!? Why gone already one??! GIVE ME BACK MY MUTHAFUCKING HOLIDAY LA WEI!!!

Holidays. Such fleeting moments.

Damn.

Then, Now

Yesterday,

a new life was brought to this world.

All I would say to her if she was here is,

Welcome. But I feel sorry for you. *sigh dramatically*

Then today,

I cooked! Wtf.

Edible? Check. Didn't burn down the kitchen? Check.

Hello God you DO exist wtf, and I would like to thank you wtf.

Ok ok it was just fried rice... but first time mar.

WWUD : What Would the Unsub Do (wtf)

So well yeah today consisted of only 4 activities : Sleep. Eat. Read newspapers. Read blogs.

If bumming around is considered another activity, then make it a 5th. But personally, I think it encompasses all 4 activities. Hey, wouldn't that ultimately mean that I should have typed "today consisted of only 1 activity?"

The complexities we face. Damn.

Anyway, there was this article in the newspapers. The first paragraph contained words that immediately struck a chord in me.

..."avoiding the inevitables of life".

Ah something that I'm all too familiar with. Way too familiar.

***

Random thought of the day:

If I were to have an alter ego name (whatever that means), it would be Unsub. Don't you think Unsub sounds cool? Viewers of Criminal Minds would know what I'm talking about.

I had no idea what Unsub meant, didn't even put a thought to it actually. Clueless as to why the pepretrators were being called 'the Unsub'. Until I finally found out that oh it was short for Unknown Subject (of an Investigation).

But of course! What a doofus I am.

**

Post ends abruptly here cos don't know how to continue wtf.

Today,

I did nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Wow.

Do I sound surprised? Why do I still sound surprised at my ability to do nothing?

You look back and wonder, what the hell happened?

Life happened.










Must life turn all of us into cynical, jaded people?

He; She : Red

She was to be frank, a little nervous. Names were being called. Why wasn't it her turn yet? That, and because it was well, a test. The mere mention of the word 'test' could make her jittery, and butterflies would start sprouting like mushrooms in her stomach. Not that it was necessary, cos she always ended up doing well.

So, she was on one of the uncomfortable plastic seats in the stuffy, cramp place. Anyone claustrophobic would be running through the door by now. But not her, she needed to concentrate. Flipping furiously through the pages of the book for the millionth time, she practically could have recited any page by memory.

The door cracked open. Everybody looked up, thirsty for a reprieve from the yellow book in their hands, to look at their newest member. Almost immediately, nearly everyone's eyes darted back to their books. He wore sleeves of tattoos, multiple piercings and a scowl. And in everyone's mind the words "BAD NEWS" flashed like a siren.

Nearly everyone. Her eyes stayed fixated on him. His feet, to be exact. They bothered her.

He scanned around the place for a seat. Seemed like the only unoccupied seat was beside the girl. The one wearing a beige knee length collared dress and yellow cardigan, and was strangely eyeing his feet doggedly. Ugh, what the heck. He thought, and planted himself on the seat.

Twiddling her thumbs, she couldn't take it anymore. It was gnawing at her system, chipping away at her nerves like a woodpecker would a tree bark. All her life, she was one to follow the rules and regulations, never questioning them. A good old law abiding citizen. Hence, she just had to be the good Samaritan.

He was examining his fingernails when she cleared her throat. He didn't suspect anything. Didn't have time to, really and was totally caught off guard. All of a sudden, he was thrown into the abyss of what known to humans as "Conversation".

"Excuse me, Mister..." Ever the polite. "Sorry to bother you but, maybe you didn't notice... the sign on the door says that slippers are not allowed?" Her face painted a picture of total earnestness. Her finger pointed to his flip flops, one of the many pairs that he own.

He was taken aback. Unsure of how to respond. He could have flipped her the middle finger like how he would usually do in these situations, but there was something about her that suppressed that reflex of his. Was it her big doe eyes? The way she bit her lips? The way she regarded him like he was any other normal person? How she called him 'Mister'?

Ah, he was intrigued. And struggling to come up with a response. Thus, he went "So?" nonchalantly, without even moving his lips.

"So? So, you may be forbidden from taking the test!" She blurted out as if it was preposterous that she needed to tell him that. She emphasized the word 'forbidden' a tad too much though. "Are you here to take the test anyway? You seem kinda erm, mature." Seconds later, her eyes widened in realization. "Is it cos your license was exterminated (she couldn't think of a better term at that moment)?" Hell, she was on a roll.

"Er." What the fuck. "Yeah, you can say that."

"But why?"

"D.U.I."

"Oh." She continued, "You really shouldn't drink and drive, you know."

No response, only a slight grunt. Why is she still talking to me?

Not a conversationalist, huh. Oh well. She returned to her book.

*****

A few moments later, finally her name was called. "PC SATU!!!"

Number one! A good sign. She grinned inwardly. She stood up, not forgetting to turn back to the taciturn one and chirp, "Wish me luck!" All she got was a reluctant "Yea" in return.


*****

Less than 10 minutes was all it took. She grabbed her bag and headed out of the room to get her results printed. 49 over 50. She was pleased, but she could have done better, she told herself.

*****

Before she left, she glanced at him and smiled, wondering if he would smile back. Surprisingly, his features softened, just for a sec. The corners of his mouth curled up, just a wee bit. Evidently, he wasn't one who was used to the expression of smiling.

*****

That, was their first encounter. An encounter that occurred at where mostly teenagers took their Undang test.

Neither of them thought that they would meet again. Not anytime soon, not ever.


But oh, how they were so wonderfully wrong.

Stick-it-to-da-man-noisis

Once upon a time, these people wanted me to go to the Uni of Merlin to further my studies. It was as if, it was the only university worth going to. Like other universities weren't worth their time of the day. Uni of Merlin... Uni of Merlin... endless discussions and soliloquy about it. Like other universities didn't even exist.

There's a sensation I've gotten familiar with. Which is hearing about one thing so often, you get sick of it. You don't even wanna go near it or acknowledge it anymore. You just get plain sick of it. So yes I got sick of hearing about Merlin. And now, I'm not going there, as much as these people wanted me to.

I have no idea if this other uni I'm heading to may suck less than Merlin or suck the same extent. Heck it could suck way more. It's not really about that. My choosing to go to this uni was more like sticking it to "The Man". You know? It's more about 'Hah! Take that! I'm not going where all you people ask / expect / want me to go to. So suck on that, bitches.'

Who knows, perhaps a few months down the line, peers at Merlin would be gloating after all cos they're having such an awesome time there. And me living in hell where I would be. But fuck it, it's about sticking it to "The Man" ok.

Dewey Finn: Those kids have a rare blood disease: "Stick-it-to-da-man-noisis".
Battle of the Bands director: What's that? I've never heard of it.
Dewey Finn: You're lucky. Because it's hell.

Haha. Man, I love School of Rock.

Comfort food :Defined as food that gives emotional comfort to the one eating it, these tend to be favorite foods of childhood, or linked to a person, place or time with which the food has a positive association.

The equivalent of comfort food in terms of emotions? Fucking dulan.

In other words, it's

wolfing down a mass of cake even though you can't even taste it anymore.

devouring forkful over forkful just for the sake of stuffing yourself silly.

cutting a piece of cake into half just to finish all of it anyway.

thinking that carbs are gonna make you feel better, when all they do is the opposite.

Why all that? Cos you're fucking dulan. That's why ok.

I have to keep telling myself to "suck it all up!" "breathe in... breathe out..."

Have to remind myself that hey, it'll all be over soon. I think wtf.

But man, how to make the constant yakking stop, I don't know.

Hmph. No more cake for me wtf.

Wah lan eh. What am I supposed to do now. I just wanna sleep now T_T. Sleepy lah dei.

Till then

Meh. Don't feel like blogging anytime soon.

I also wanna go on hiatus already lah. Till when also unsure.

Till then, live life and prosper wtf.

So this is it

Where to begin. *takes deep breath* Well I was writing a post few nights ago then there was this whole virus/scam episode and my browser couldn't even be opened for more than a sec so I gave up and it was fixed the next day thank God so now I'm writing another post cos it'll seem too disjointed to continue on the train of thought from that few nights ago. *phew*

I see that I've been missed ey, judging from the comment by Mr / Mrs Anonymous. Tell me anon, what is it that makes you come back for updates after these few weeks? What is it bout my incessant vapid ramblings that seem even remotely interesting to you? It baffles me, really it does.

As you can see, I am still alive. Yeah. Physically. Mentally and emotionally? Barely I guess. Languid would be the proper word to describe these couple of weeks. No I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like carrying conversations or dressing up or wake up in the morning or learn how to cook. How I've been feeling is all I wanna do is lie down and read. Yeah an ideal day for me would be lying on a couch, sipping coffee from a big mug and shutting out the rest of the world while a good novel accompanies me. That's all I need right now. Except that now I don't really fancy coffee that much... well I used to, but it yellows teeth and there's that acidic aftertaste on the tongue.

Reading's good. It's akin to listening to music, where you can be totally absorbed in this medium with nary a care in the world, until the next bark of orders from your mum that is, in my case wtf. I feel that she literally barks orders wtf. So anyway, languid, lazy, bumming around, being a total appendix wtf, full time slacker etc... that's what I've been up to.

I wanted to disappear for a couple of weeks. Maybe a month. Not go online, not get out, just vanish. That's just how I felt, after finals. I wanted to be with myself, avoid the world. Can't really explain why I felt that. I sound totally inert and introvert, but hell yeah I am those right now. Not even gonna deny it. Having said that, I did go out on a few occasions, cos I didn't really have any excuse to decline did I. "Hey, wanna go out?" "Er no I can't... I'm busy staying at home being useless" Now that would sound like a pretty weak excuse wouldn't it?

Geez, I'm so hopeless at sounding even a teensy poetic. You know, I wish I had the flair for writing like pinkpau of quaintly.net, where expressing anything just seems so effortless for her. Reading her posts is just like navigating through the streets of Rome or something, turning around narrow corners, walking on brick roads, going through alleys and discovering quaint little coffee shops, never knowing what you'd find next. That's why quaintly.net is such an appropriate name for her blog wtf.

I wanted to be a writer once, or more precisely a columnist, not unlike Mary Schneider of "But Then Again" in the Star every Monday. The thing is my English teacher complimented me once, that I had a "flair for writing", and that pleased me, so I went home thinking that I really had a "flair for writing", and started conjuring dreams of becoming a writer, a journalist, a columnist and sorts. But now I see that I lack... everything. Wit, humour, skills, talent, everything. So that was that, I wasn't writer material *shrug*.

Even with my extremely slow pace of life, time seems to go by real fast, as usual. Next week results are gonna be out already. Like, holy shit. That fast? Wtf I just came home like a few weeks ago wtf. Why oh why? Can't you delay all the franticness for perhaps another week or so? Getting the results would be like the gun shot in the air signaling the start of the race. Things have to be done. Procedures. Forms. Over-enthusiasm of my parents wtf. Finding out which Uni you'll end up in. Applying for Visa. Medical check-up. AGAIN (fuck). Sigh, I just wanna put life on hold a while longer. Maybe forever wtf. Delay it, please someone delay it. I'm not ready. Don't know if I ever will be. I'm not cut out for living wtf. I'm not a do-er, in fact I'm anything but a do-er. I'm an avoider, a procrastinator, a coward, a wimp. A total wimp *vehement*. I dunno myself very well, but those I'm pretty sure bout myself by now wtf.

I used to draw. It was the only thing that I thought I was good at. But having such an impractical talent or something was well... impractical. And now having time on my hands, I haven't felt the urge to pick up a pencil and draw. No images in my head, like before. Nothing. The only thing that I felt that I was meant to do, I don't even do anymore. So where does that leave me? I wonder.

A shell. A blank. A vessel. A hollow.

I am nothing.

And, I'm pretty good at doing nothing. Just sitting and spacing out. Stoning. Yeah.

Calamitous; Disastrous; Catastrophic

Have nothing much to say for Spec...

... cos it was a DISASTER. How many synonyms of disaster are there? Lemme go check.

Ah, here they are:
act of God*, adversity, affliction, bad luck, bad news*, bale, bane, blight, blow, bust, calamity, casualty, cataclysm, catastrophe, collapse, collision, crash, debacle, defeat, depression, emergency, exigency, failure, fall, fell stroke, fiasco, flood, flop, grief, hard luck, harm, hazard, holocaust, hot water, ill luck, misadventure, mischance, misfortune, mishap, reverse, rock, rough, ruin, ruination, setback, slip, stroke, the worst, tragedy, undoing, upset, washout*, woe

LOL @ act of God. More like act of the people who set the questions.

What's with this year and ASS-LONG questions? Huh can someone tell me wtf? By the way there is some scientific explanation on why the sky is blue, so can anyone answer my question instead wtf?

With 45 pages (if my memory serves me right) a short novel could have been written on the whole freaking booklet already. Serious.

Nope I didn't finish the last question. Heck I only did maybe 2 and a half sub questions wtf. Over 10 marks flew out the window just like that. Yeah just like that.

By the time I reached Question 10 I was already like "wtf how come got so much more to go~~?" Section B also haven't started wtf. *shakes head* And complex number never fails to defeat me, as it's just too complex wtf (lame attempt for a pun).

History repeated itself hurhur. Econs had to use fugly writing, Spec also reverted to fugly writing in the end wtf.

But am feeling so numb.

So anyway, just like my post-exam bitching, another thing is also a sure occurrence after every exam paper.

My mum's interrogative SMSes LOLOLOL. Like seriously wei she can fit so many questions into an SMS, I dunno which question to answer first. And then also will have few scrolls worth of advice that she dishes out every exam. Very the professional one I tell you.

Sense It

So yesterday (more like after midnight wtf) when I was supposed to be burying my hands, feet, every inch of my body in Spec, I went and did my header instead. Le sigh. When will I ever learn?

Mind you it wasn't easy ok. All those pictures? All from One Republic's Apologize music video. God knows how long I spent print screening alone. That day I just watched and thought, 'hey this music video is quite the nice... aesthetically nice... maybe I should turn it into my header or something...' somewhere along the lines lah. Wtf how the hell did I know that I was gonna do it in the middle of my exam wtf. Sigh.

So anyway, that is not the main point of this post. While I was feverishly working on Paint wtf, a friend let me watch this. Watch it people.

LOL. And heck she was so damn confident. "Don't you mean 'Without You'?" Her blatant reply, "No." Surprising stuff, I might say. That one, Bulgaria also have their Bulgarian Idol wtf. That two, she went for the audition singing "tulibu dibu douchoo..." perhaps she did it on purpose in hopes of becoming the next female William Hung or something.

But anyway, that is still not the main point of this post. Patient a bit lah.. I'm getting there lah wtf. Today, while in the toilet wtf, I had the sudden urge to listen to Mariah Carey's own rendition of Without You.

Over here my eardrums vibrated.

Le sigh. Isn't it quite the bomb? At that time, she was all covered up. All she had was a voice, and her passion. (Not to mention she kinda looked like Alyssa Milano eh)

But why, oh why does she now resort to cleavage baring and sleazy music videos? Why?? Having a good voice ain't enough to pay the bills anymore? Must ones cleavage and thighs be bared to gain attention these days? Why Mariah? Why? What if I donch wanna touch your body? What then huh? Why can't you go back to the days when you looked like Alyssa Milano and just, SANG?

I concur that she's not all to blame, knowing the fact that if there's no demand, there won't be any supply. People, why must we force singers to bare it all and leave little to imagination when all we need is just to close our eyes, and listen. And let one of our five senses take us to a journey where good music takes us.

Major Sien-ness

WAH SIEN ARHHHH.. SIEN LIKE HAI LIKE THAT...

Every few minutes or so I'll start opening new tabs and go to blogs...

that I just went to a few minutes ago... Grr what patheticness!!!!! What a sad existence I have wtf...

I know that's one of the consequences of opening my laptop, but but.. I need to go online to check for them damn Spec Maths answers... wtf give excuse wtf. Really one lah trust me lah wei.

ARGH SIEN ARGHHHH~~~~

I can barely complete one set of past year trials yet I'm still not panicking wtf.

Tsk tsk tsk... someone slap me please.

I pergi mandi sekarang jugak.

Are you kidding me

Econs was a joke, I tell you. A total joke.

Part A. 3 questions. Part B. Choose 2 essays to write.

Easy peasy japaneasy right?

WRONG.

How bout 3 ASS-long questions, especially question number 2. And 2 ASS-long essays to write.

Granted the essay questions weren't as tough as past years', but still a LOT had to be written.

Till this day I still have no idea how could anyone manage to complete an ASS-long A20 Econs essay in 35 minutes. And I'll guess I'll never find out. Sad case really.

I know I'm gonna get like a C for the second essay I wrote. I hope I'll get a B for the first just for the fucking time and effort I put in, biatch. More than 40 minutes I think wtf. That's right, I spent 40 over mins on an essay that's probably gonna get a B wtf. Fail. The marker should be able to tell my desperado-ness in finishing those god damn essays as my writing just got hell alotta fuglier. And fuglier. Geez I hope they can read it. So gimme some sympathy marks please wtf. Heck, time was running so damn short that the whole situation was hilarious. I tried real hard to hold the laughter in wtf.

What a freakin joke. Hur hur. Perhaps I should have been training my hand instead of my memory for the paper... but I'll guess it's too late for that wtf.

By the way, why must the profile picture for someone who didn't upload any be the silhouette of a guy's head? Why cannot be girl meh? What kind of sexism is this wtf... Being jakun again wtf.

And wtf, I'm blogging more frequent than ever during exam period. The irony is not lost on me...

Urgh

Was in a major piss poor mood. Took me an hour plus to wake up just because I didn't even feel like waking up. Some major PMS shit. Even cried a little as all the pissed-offness were festering, waiting to burst out. MAHAI.

BUT, after replying anon's comment I've sorta calmed down a little. Wanted to go on a hulk rage over here but ended typing like this instead. Er, not using Caps Lock I mean. I wanted to go all "FUCK PMS! FUCK HORMONES! FUCK EXAMS! GAHHHHH!!!" but now maybe I'll just go "Urgh, fuck this shit." Ya get what I mean? WTF. K please do not insult your mind by actually trying to read that whole load of bullcrap.

So, I'm one of those type of people who absolutely cannot conceal their bad mood. Like totally cannot. If there's a black cloud hovering over my head, then sure as hell I'll be having attitude problems wtf. My whole face would be saying "Fuck off I couldn't care less bout your shit" stuff like that. And I'm sorry to those people around me who have to deal with that kind of attitude but sometimes, I just can't help myself. I know that at that time I'm being a bitch and all but I. Just. Can't. Seem. To. Control. This. Urge. To. Kill. Someone. Wtf. Er so that's just something about me wtf. Nothing else to continue already hur hur. Time to face the whole stack of papers again. KNNCCB.

Do I Sound Crazy? Do I HUH HUH HUH?!?!

Walao wei... why must 5 papers be spread over three freakin weeks ler? Why ler? Granted yeah we have more time to study hur hur but it's pointless what, if the extra time of studying doesn't amount to better results pun! Or the extra time is used to read blogs and blog wtf.

So the most dreaded paper is next, ie Econ. Whoever that thinks Econ is easy should study under my lecturer. Hah! I shall not elaborate wtf. Cos the experience of being her student is pretty indescribable wtf. Maybe the word 'scary' can sorta sum it up wtf. Btw I need some guidance for Econ essay wtf cos I totally suck at it sigh.

Some people will finish next week.. JEALOUS WEI. WTF la why do Accounting students have to suffer for one more week what did we do wrong wtf the fella who came up with the timetable was dumped by his / her other half that's an Accountant isit. Wtf I know that was pointless lah ok.

blablablablablablablablablablablablabla...

Mindfucked. Like, totally.

Another paper down, hence another day that is going to waste wtf. So here I am, wasting precious time while others are probably busting their asses, and reading this --> Blog Anak Mat Nor.

The 'Aku, Mat Nor dan Uma Thurman' post really cracked me up LOL. Too bad I can't really laugh out loud here lest I want my house mates to think that I've lost it wtf.

Kinda pointless blog pimping kan since I have only uno follower heh wtf.

What's it with being bored out your skull when you're supposed to be cramming notes, books down your throat?

My eyes are burning from the lack of blinking wtf. I wish people would update their blogs more often wtf. And good, funny bloggers would never stop blogging wtf.

Some people rant with style. Not I eh.

Bangang, Jakun

It starts tomorrow people!

Strangely not really feeling anything wtf... just want it to end I guess. Sure I'm not the only one who feels this way kan kan. Wait, I do feel something. Some kind of elation almost like I'm on a high or something wtf. This is sorta like 'wui guong fan jiu' (Cantonese) You know like moments before a person's last breath he / she'll suddenly be semangat like dunno how, like nuh-uh he / she ain't on the brink of death then.. eh?? Sudah meninggal dunia wtf. You know you know? Movies always got one.

Which signifies what? HAHA I'm in serious deep shit? I TAK TAHU LOLOLOL cos I'm too busy bullshitting here wtf.

Ok enough. Kthxbai.

Have You...

...Ever been washed over by a sudden feeling of loneliness for no apparent reason?

An Update la duh

Strangely enough, stress levels have not been through the roof even though there's only a few days left. It's weird. Could it be that I've achieved some sort of nirvanic (no such word wtf) state wtf. Must be partly due to the fact that I know that I'll never live up to my forecast results wtf. Let's take a look shall we.

Acc - B16 ... Erm this may be feasible if mistakes are few and report is decent (which is pretty unlikely)

Econ - A17 ... Hahahaha I'm sure glad that mah Econ lecturer won't be marking my paper cos judging by past year papers I'll be lucky if I even manage to attain a B16 wtf.

ESL - A18 ... Based on past experiences, my ability to synthesize is still that of a 'weaker student' and it's at the state of 'tak boleh diselamatkan' already so I'm not even gonna attempt to salvage it wtf. So it'll depend on pure luck and astute hearing for listening wtf.

Maths - A20 .. HAHAHA. HA. HA. Bound to have mistakes. Very very low possibility.

Spec - A19 .. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I would barely make it to a A17 sumore you expect me to get 20 wtf? WHO PAID YOU TO MOCK PEOPLE LIKE THIS WTF.

Can these people be more realistic wtf. Tsk tsk tsk...

Having said that, I think we're having it way better than those studying Sciences. The only subjects that really require reading are Econ and Acc. Lucky kan? Kan? Kan?

So anyway, level of absorbency have been low, it takes like dunno how many hours to read ten over pages. Wtf kan. Can stay at the same line for dunno how long wtf. Nevertheless plod on people, plod on.

On a pretty unrelated note (as usual), my roommate and I seem to have reached a whole new level of strangeness (for the lack of a better term) any pair of roommates could ever reach. What I mean is, yeah we stay in the same unit, sleep in the same room but it's almost as if we're strangers, y'know? We rarely talk. She'll be doing her thang, and me mine. Leading our own separate lives. Is this a whole new level or what... maybe it's me and my psycho analyzing again but I wonder if she feels the same way. Or maybe it's just me who's naturally awkward :P (A friend used that phrase to describe her friend once and I think it suits me too wtf).

Oh yeah and this question has been bugging me for a pretty long time, "Should I or should I not get a tattoo???" WTF HAISH. Malaria do you remember when I asked you bout tats wtf... well yeah I'm STIL thinking bout it wtf.

4 AM Insanity Streak

I sure as hell hope that time can be fast forwarded now. Or my brain can hibernate til exam time. Even a mere 2 weeks seem SO FUCKING LONG. Mahai. WHEN'S IT GONNA END. END END END. WHY'S IT TAKING SO LONG.

Pre exam period is the worst, ESPECIALLY when you're staying with a bunch of fucking rajin people. You ask yourself, Am I doing enough? The answer is FUCK NO. It's NEVER fucking enough when you're co-existing with a bunch of fucking rajin peeps. Heck, what you're doing seems practically useless and insignificant compared to what others may be doing at the same time. What you did, others have already done and they've done more. You ask yourself, Why can other people do and accomplish more during the same time span? How the fuck does one manage to be at it day in day out for fucking 24 hours? Gawd are they not human.

One thing I've learned alright, staying with fucking rajin people sucks. Major. Shit I feel like going on a murderous rampage. Or digging my heart out from its crevices and closely examine why the fuck does it feel like it's clawing its way out of my chest. Fuck. Either stay in or out. Why are you acting up. I need to punch someone or something and SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM.

The feeling of typing gives me kicks. You?

Unfortunately there's nothing to type about hence i don't get to type as much as I'd like.

On a totally unrelated note, man I'm so addicted to Jimmy Eat World's Stay on My Side Tonight.

Where's Strength When I Need It

This post is a constructed as a reminder for myself. (eh ceh why sound so formal wtf)

I shall NOT lose my sanity. I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity I shall not lose my sanity

and

I shall be grateful for all the things that I have.

Am pretty much mentally and emotionally drained, and impaired wtf.

Honestly a part of me just wanna fuck it and leave it to fate and luck, but of course I'm not supposed to do that.

Just.

Gotta.

Chug on.

For a few more weeks. I SHALL NOT LOSE MY SANITY BY THEN.

****
Oh ya, I know it's pathetic but I still wanna display it wtf... that I have ONE follower! Hehe another person except myself reads this shit? So what it's only ONE? WTF rambling here wtf.

Back From the Dead wtf

Damn. It's been over a month since I last blogged. How sad is that?

Well, only two words are required to describe mah one week holiday. And they are : EXTREME LAZINESS.

Heck, even the thought of getting my laptop out of the bag and switching it on TIRES me. How much lower can one sink? And that explains my absence from the vast world of the in-ter-net. (Say it like how Lucy Liu did in Charlie's Angels WTF nevermind)

So, it has mostly been a lot of staying up till morning, sleeping til afternoon wtf. I'm the epitome of fucked up biological clocks alright.

From here on it's gonna be a documentation of unorganized thoughts. (Ha. Ha. Since when was it organized wtf)

I miss Jay's blog. : (.... the beloved isorule.blogspot that I once frequented a long time ago. Now it's a private blog HAIH. He went on an indefinite hiatus and one day I discovered it became private. Does that mean he's blogging again?? SIGH I'll never know. Heck it was funny, interesting and so GAY. Lol. The little snippets into the life of a gay Malaysian Chinese guy now living in London with his boyfriend, M (if I remember correctly) (I hope they're still together haha). And his family had no idea of his sexual orientation, so he was always afraid that they would find out. HAIH I so miss it. I think I read through his entire archives... all the pornography stuff, the art stuff, the narcissistic stuff. DAMNIT I MISS IT T_T.

I sure as hell hope that one day, oh one day... I'll finally read that Mr Malaria has decided to kick Accounting's ass and go screw something that he likes instead. Donch brainwash yourself please. Oh c'mon do it for mankind lah please. (Pretty please? *pouts*)

It's Sunday already. Meaning, back to that place. Back to that college. SIGH and having to go through all the stressful, meaningless crap again. Gawd help me. You know what that day I even dreamt that I got back mah Econ trial paper and fuck it wasn't pretty. Stupid dream. Why all my dreams also stupid one wtf.

I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back. I hate having to go back.

I hate having to go back. Gee can you tell? WTF.

So... back to living like a zombie again. Don't think that there'll be any updates anytime soon. There's nothing worth updating anyway.

Beach Session

She sat listening, to the rhythm of waves splashing against the shore. Her eyes were transfixed to the horizon, the darkness that saw no end.

A tap on her shoulder. "Hey... thanks for comin." She needn't look, who else could it be?

"What, how could you know that I wasn't some psychopath with an axe?" He exclaimed.

"Well then I'd be dead by now, wouldn't I? So it wouldn't matter anyway." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Sheesh. You're the one who called me here." Feigning indignation, he sat down beside her.

She smiled. "Heh. Yeah... I guess... I needed someone to talk to." The words came out slowly, while her eyes wandered back to the ocean again.

For a few minutes, there they sat. Inhaling, exhaling.

"Er... miss? Your idea of talking is you looking at the ocean while I'm here trying hard to decipher your telepathic messages?"

"Oh all right, I just wanted some company that's all." She snapped.

He chuckled. "I know... I know..." saying it with a tone meant to pacify a dog. Of course he knew, God knows how many times he has been 'dragged' to one of these late night sessions with her. So of course he knew perfectly well.

Her finger started to trail a line along the white sand. She exhaled loudly. "Y' know, sometimes there's just so much stuff going through my mind, sometimes there's nothing. You ever get that?" Her eyes looked into his questioningly.

"Mostly, it's the latter." He said it matter-of-factly, and smiled.

Ignoring that, she continued. "So many questions that I know have no answers, cos they're stupid questions. With no answers! Like what does it meeean when people say some crap like, live life? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Oh dear. She's getting into one of her animated heated debate pose again. He thought to himself and laughed.

"For fuck's sake, what're you laughing at?" Her eyebrows were crossed. Then she came into realization, "I started to look like a cartoon again huh." -_-. Bravely, he denied it, "Nooope. Nuh-uh. Not. At. All."

More eye rolling from her. She wrapped her arms around her knees to prevent more over enthusiastic movements.

"Every single day, without fail, it's dragging oneself out of bed, going for classes, back home, sleep and repeating the cycle... Man, even zombies have better lives, at least they eat people or something... Even I know I need to get a life, but fuck! I don't even know what "life" is..." She paused for breath. " And later. Later! It'll be dragging oneself off bed, going to work, go home, sleep and repeat. FUCK. That's just fucked up, man, y'know what I mean."

He listened and nodded thoughtfully. "I hear ya, woman." He held his right hand out and showed off his L I F E tattoo on his knuckle. "You wanna know what "life" means? You wanna know it means huh? Well I'll tell ya what it means!"

He crunched his hand into a fist and started, "Life. Is in your hands." He looked at his fist. "Uh.." He closed his left hand on his fist. "See? Your life is in your hands. It's whatever you make of it. What it means is totally up to you, how you mold (uttering the word passionately and deliberately) it. Fuck, it doesn't have a specific meaning, a specific definition! Go to dictionary.com, type in "life" and what do you find? A whole bunch of crap, that's what!"

He looked like a deranged maniac delivering that speech and she couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Jesus. That was.... kinda... corny! Heck the corniest shit that ever came out of your mouth!" They both burst into fits of laughter and collapsed onto the soft, fluffy sand.

"Oh God..." Laying down on the sand and catching her breath, she said, "Then fuck knows what my life means. Worries, responsibilities, being a bore I guess. Sheesh. What bout yours?"

"Mine? I try not to dwell on it. Maybe it's not worth knowing, heh."

"I guess we'll never know the answers... see? Questions with no answers! Shit, we're back to square one..."

They stared at the stars and settled into a long silence.

"Hey, mind if I bombard you with another unanswerable question?"

"Briiing it on, lady! Maybe I have another tattoo to help mah point."

"Fuck! Your knuckle tat didn't prove shit!" She laughed.
"So anyway. Another thing I don't get is when people say they're "searching" for themselves." I sure as hell wanna know how to do that cos I have no idea who or what am I either, so how does one do that ol' wise one?"

"Ah... I think my butt tat can explain on that. Wait a sec." He motioned to unbuckle his belt.

"What? Since when you had your ass permanently scarred?"

He giggled. That old monkey giggle that made him look like a 5 year old. She thumped his arm, "I knew it! Sheesh. Now answer me using your mouth, not your ass. Dumbass."

"Truth is... you can call me dumbass all you want and I still can't answer cos I have no fucking idea too." He finished it in a breath and resigned to his unanswerable fate.

They sighed together. "Well at least we can be clueless together." She finally said. "Yeah..." he agreed. "Something tells me, we're not the only clueless fools."

A!V!R!I!L!

In point form cos lazy to organize thoughts:

• HIGH HIGH HIGH! I screamed till my throat wanted to burst already cos I wanted to fully utilize my throat this time wtf wtf.

• Avril Lavigne is so damn petite! And cute and pwettyyyy...

• Unfortunately we weren't as close to her as we were to MCR, cos there was a freakin VIP section in front wtf! Deng... the place where they were sitting was where we stood last year for MCR ok? We were at the 3rd to 4th row at the Red Zone there... Pengacau betul lar VIPs ni~ We're like WTF? Mana datang VIP-VIP ni? Sumore so many small kids one? Go home and sleep la wtf~ (fan oh kei fan gao la deng...) @ Go home and study la wtf~ (fan oh kei duk shu la deng...)
  

• Her guitarists are effin HOT lor! The drummer also damn yeng... during a short break the drummer entertained us with his skills, bagus nyer. Ala her whole troupe was fanfuckintastic lah, including the dancers wtf.

• So she began with Girlfriend, and ended with Girlfriend remix version and Sk8er Boi.

List of other songs not according to order:
The whole Best Damn Thing album except for One of Those Girls, Contagious, Keep Holding On & I Will Be (I think)
Complicated
I'm With You
Don't Tell Me
My Happy Ending
Losing Grip
He Wasn't
I Always Get What I Want (I think)
Well, I may have left out a few.

• Oh ya and why is she cute? Haha one song at the starting, which song forgot liao paiseh, the music was playing, and she raised her hands, we cheered. Hands down, stopped. Raise again, "WOOOO!!!!!!". Down, *near silence*. And hands up! "AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Then she put her finger to her lips (basically 'shhh' la). This went on for quite some time hahaha. LOL damn she was smiling like a cheeky monkey, playing with us like that. And we followed like a bunch of dopes hahahahaha...

• She was actually better at performing live than I expected. Dunno why I've just had this perception that she's not that good live but hahaha maybe cos all the shouting I couldn't hear mistakes anyway wtf.

• She had maybe... 4 outfit changes?

• Her hair was curly.

• We went in at about 6 sth to 7 o'clock? Then OMFG it started to raaaaaainnn... Wtf it looked like it was really gonna pour but luckily it stopped. We were provided with plastic raincoats wtf, more like plastic bags la with a hood and sleeves wtf. Damn hot and stuffy lor when wearing that plastic thing wtf.
  

• It started at a little after 9 I guess and ended at 10.30 like that. So, less than an hour and a half : (....

• She really did comply with the rules, left out "motherfucking", "hell" and I don't think I heard "shit" either.

• A pink piano was rolled in for her to play during When You're Gone. And she showed off her drumming skills too (for which song forgot liao wtf)! WOOT!

• Was there an encore? Well she said and waved bye and went backstage. So lah we shouted "we want more we want more" After awhile the pink background was dropped and another black one with the star was revealed (WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!). And she sang the last two songs. But is that considered an encore? I don't think so hor... Sk8er Boi ended liao we shouted for encore but to no avail wtf. :'( (MCR pun takde encore how come...)
  

HELL YEAH I had fun!!!!!!! WOOHOO~!!!!! If anyone wants a good workout they really should attend a concert wtf. My face was damn red after the concert ok, and I was sweating all over wtf. Good workout or not lah you say?

But honestly it made me kinda miss MCR wtf. Truth is I would prefer MCR over Avril anytime... T_T... (sorry Avril) We get to head bang a lot more at rock concerts wtf.

Before the Ride Begins. Again.

There is nothing much to say now. Except for stating the obvious. I IS PHAIL!!!! SO DAMN PHAIL...

It's currently 5 in the morning la what do you expect. And I'm not even sleepy wtf. But I don't feel like doing Econs stuff either, so I shall succumb to the pleasures of my bed after this wtf. (read: FUCK THIS SHIT MY ECONS DIE DIE DIE T_____________T)

Don't know what to think anymore. It just feels like nothing's going on in that skull of mine wtf. Things that are not worth thinking are shut out.

Vacuousness. The scary thing is, I'm getting so used to it already. Way too used to it.

Going through the motions of life. Sorta like a train chugging along its tracks. No idea why I thought of that but I just did. Probably something to do with the chugging motion. Don't you feel like that too sometimes? That you're chugging through life wtf?

Go through it a day at a time. It won't be so heavy that way. Well yeah I guess so.

Mathematical Relevation

It's another gloomy day... which equals to?

Gloomy day = No mood to do homework lah! Simple equation also don't know... ish...

This is not just some lame excuse ok! Just think about it, when you envision someone doing homework, don't you think about he or she completing it in a bright, sunny, airy environment? Preferably in a space with lots of huge windows so the sun rays can be welcomed in and there would be no need for artificial lighting. And outside birds are chirping, butterflies are fluttering, lush trees are swaying... aiyah so anyway you get the idea kan wtf...

So agree with me lah wtf today's not a day to do anything wtf.

URGH.

WTF I BEH TAHAN ALREADY LAH IS THE CONCERT ON OR NOT WTF????!!!! IF NOT ON THEN NOT ON LAH I CAN LIVE WITH IT LA PUKIMAK MACAUHAI BUT APA PASAL SAY IT'S BACK ON PULAK??? MAKE UP YOUR FREAKING MIND LAH PEOPLE!!!!! GRRRRRRRRR GERAM LAH WTF!!!!

BEH. TA. HAN HAN HAN HAN HAN HAN......

Sekali-sekala bolehlah, kalau selalu tentu I dibelasah

Hari ini saya membuat keputusan untuk belog dalam bahasa kebangsaan! Kenapa, anda tanya?

Ini adalah kerana saya mendapati BM saya yang teramat pasar amat sesuai untuk mengekspreskan crap-crap yang saya hendak sampaikan ketika ini. Ataupun mungkin jugak I nak belajar cara-cara percakapan mat-mat rempit ...

Mula-mula I nak tanya sesuatu.... KENAPA ULSER ATAS LIDAH SAYA TAK SEMBUH-SEMBUH LAGI????!!!! KENAPA???? KENAPA??? IA BUKAN SATU SAJER TAU! DUA! MCH CCB KNN! ATAS LIDAH! SATU KIRI SATU KANAN LAGI! KENAPA??? I PUN TAK TAU SUDAH BERAPA LAMA I ADA 2 ULSER YANG AMAT BENCI INI... T___________T

Aduhai, walaupun BM saya yang tertulis di sini tidaklah amat teruk *batuk*, kesal bagi saya cakap bahawa saya tak boleh berutur (betul tak??? I tak tau...) selincah begini wtf. Kerana otak saya lembap atau apa, perlu masa yang lama untuk proses perkara-perkara yang hendak dicakap atau apa, I jugak tak tau.

Erm, actually takde banyak benda yang I nak cakap sekarang. Tapi tadi baru sajer tengok satu siri terbitan tempatan yang teramat lucu. Kenapa ia begitu lucu? Lu buatlah judgement anda sendiri.

Ia bermula dengan monolog dalaman seorang intern perempuan.
Ada satu cardio-thorasic (tak pasti tu ejaan) surgeon.
Ada satu neurosurgeon.
Ada 4 interns.
Ada seorang yang suka flirt dan sepatutnya jejaki hensem (sebenarnya sedikit pun tidak) tapi I tak pasti dia surgeon apa sebab tak tengok habis.

Dan yang paling teruk lagi.....

TAJUK SIRI TU IALAH AMPANG MEDIKAL!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Amat ketara ia ialah rip-off dari siri medikal yang mendapat sambutan hangat - Anatomi Kelabu!!!!!!!!!!! Aduhai mengapa???!!! Mengapa nak buat perkara macam ni??? Tak bolehkah penerbit-penerbit tempatan buat sesuatu yang original???

Aduhai.... tak henti-henti abang-abang dan I ketawa semasa menontonnya. Mungkinkah ia sebenarnya berniat untuk menjadi siri komedi dan bukan siri medikal?

Saya rasa sampai sinilah crap saya dalam BM. Semoga anda terhibur dengan bahasa pasar I wtf.

BANYAK STUPIAK

Today, on 20th August 2008, the Malaysian government has once again showcased its stupidity.

By canceling Avril Lavigne's concert in KL on 29th August!!!!!

Citing " it may taint the Muslim-majority country's independence day celebrations after the Islamic opposition slammed her show as being "too sexy." " as a LAME EXCUSE FOR A REASON.

Can I hear you all say, WHAT THE FUCK???

First of all, SINCE WHEN IS AVRIL LAVIGNE SEXY???? (sorry Avril)

There are a lot of events on Aug 29 and the Ministry does not want the independence and the near Ramadan month to be filled with such pop and rock culture, he said.

"As the Minister of Unity, Culture, Arts and Heritage, we should be instilling good culture in the young but here we are allowing other parties to organise things,"

Well I say FUCK TO THAT. If you're so afraid of other cultures "tainting" our precious suci culture then go be the next North Korea lah! Go on, shut yourself out from the rest of the world lah! WELL FACE IT. FACE THE PRICE OF GLOBALISATION WTF. Even if you ban all the concerts you want, Avril fans are still gonna be Avril fans. They'll still be "tainted" one way or another wtf.

Oh the monstrosity that is the Malaysian Government.

This is not so much about not getting to watch Avril on stage.
This is not so much about feeling cheated after reading that "oh everything's fine everything's on track the show will go on" wtf.

It's about our freakin freedom to have a concert in Malaysia without narrow-minded people protesting that it's gonna be "too sexy!" "too much of a bad influence!" "unsuitable!" "inappropriate!" "not good for our youths!" !!!!!

It's about our right to simply attend a concert to HAVE FUN! To experience that high from shouting and cheering in unison! And for diehard Avril fans, to see their idol in action! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR MCH?? Stop taking that away from us!!! As if after one measly concert all the concert goers are gonna fuck around, drop out of school, become mat rempits, flash their boobs (wtf) and so on! You see how ridiculous is that? Maciam mana mereka pikir punya? I TAK FAHAM BOLEHKAH ANDA MEMBERI SAYA SEDIKIT CAHAYA (enlighten me a little wtf) ???!!!!???

I don't get that just for once, can't the Government focus on getting their act together, govern the country properly instead of thinking whether to cancel concerts here, there, everywhere??? PULL YOURSELVES OUT OF THE FIASCO THAT YOU'RE IN FIRST BEFORE DEALING WITH THESE PETTY ISSUES. LOOK AT YOURSELVES!!!!

Oh the monstrosity that is the Malaysian Government!!! I'm sorry I wanna love Malaysia but the government makes it so hard for me to do it T______________T.

Last year, R&B singer Beyonce moved her show from Malaysia to Indonesia, and Christina Aguilera skipped the country on an Asian tour after a controversy erupted over a dress code for foreign artists.

Malaysia requires all performers to wear clothes without obscene or drug-related images and be covered from the chest to the knees. They must also refrain from jumping, shouting, hugging and kissing on stage.

Refrain from jumping, shouting, hugging and kissing? Oh I know what you want, then. A freaking kindergarten story telling session wtf. Go eat shit lah. This is why Singapore is getting all the good acts. Only a causeway apart and so much difference wtf. *sulks*

GO HERE.

Hell yeah it was so stupid to go through the whole 'oh she's comin! oh she's not gonna make it... oh she's comin!!! oh no...' roller coaster ride. Bunch of douchebags.

Questions

One thing's for sure. Studying Economics is depressing.

It makes you wonder, how can some people siphon off the funds that were intended to help the people in their country, just for their own materialistic pleasures? Do they think that living life in luxury is more important than staving off poverty and famine?

Money that amounts to way more than they can use their entire life, do they really need it??

How do they sleep at night, having full knowledge that their wants are satisfied at the expense of the lives of many other people? Do they not feel anything for their own people?

Confusion. Is money really the root of all evil... or are humans just too easily tempted and consumed by greed.

***
It makes you think, what are you doing worrying bout your own dreams and aspirations when there are so many people out there with not even a chance to dream cos they're starving, diseased, trying to make ends meet?

It makes you think, what can you do? What are you supposed to do?

How does one strike a balance between living for themselves and living for others?

It makes you question. Everything.

It's easy to forget about billions of people suffering around the globe when you're living your own petty lives. More often than not, we'll be focusing on ourselves.

"One man can't make a difference." I think these are words of cowardice. And sad to say, I'm a coward too. If not even one man starts paving the road for a better place, a better future, how can the process even begin? How can we even see the light of a better world?

You'll be amazed at the things one man can do. I remembered the music video for 'If Everyone Cared' by Nickelback.

It asks the simple question of "What would happen if everyone cared?" It shows that one man CAN indeed make a difference.

"1984. Bob Geldof. Music journalist turned punk rock frontman was inspired by a news report about Africa's famine epidemic and began his fight against world hunger. He organized the world's first global charity concert - Live Aid. Performances by 100 artists around the world were viewed by 1.5 billion people. Live Aid raised $150 million in one day."

(Sigh let's just hope that the money DID go to people who needed it)

That's just one example of the strength of one man. Go watch it. And I'm sure there are many more Bob Geldofs out there. To all of them, I hope that they continue their efforts and let nothing break their spirits.

"Never doubt that a small group of people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

- Margaret Mead

Isn't it time we did something too? But how do we begin?

Man, sometimes I feel so unworthy.

It feels good

It feels good to have great friends. : )

Beached Whale

Can someone please tell me why I'm on a constant search for food when I'm at home?? WHY? It's not like I starve at my hostel what! How come ar? T_T... I'm so gonna pay for all the binge eating.

***
Sounds of crunching leaves permeated the cold, silent air. Her footsteps came to a halt.

And she sat down where she always sat. Aches and pain. She was all aches and pain.

How she missed everything.

Like how patient he was whenever she threw her monthly tantrums. She would always be consumed with guilt after that, and make up in her own little ways.

Or how he always gave her hugs whenever she looked like she needed it. He didn't need to utter a single word of comfort, all she needed was him, by her side to wipe her tears and hold her tight.

The feel of his body against hers when they cuddled to sleep.

How he tickled her mercilessly just to annoy her.

His infectious laughter. His crooked smile that would just totally melt her heart.

His breath, his warmth which never failed to make her feel that every thing's gonna turn out fine.

How he made cute little videos of himself before he went on his business trips, to keep her company and let her know that he was missing her too.

How he made her feel that she was great just the way she was.

She reminisced.

She learned how to bake his favourite chocolate chip cookies just for their anniversary, when she had no clue there was tapioca flour and corn flour. She thought there was just, flour.

She bought a set of skimpy lingerie to be wore to bed, but it turned out that he found her sexier in his work clothes.

Their fights. Really huge, major fights which involved endless insults and curses being hurled at each other. Things that shouldn't have been brought up would surface. Then, regrets and tearful apologies.

Their break ups. Their moments of doubts and insecurities. Peculiar times when they felt that they couldn't stand each other anymore. Wondering why they became an item in the first place. But, somehow, they always got back together.

But not this time.

This time, they couldn't reunite no matter what.

She buried her face in her hands. Loud sobs now permeated the seemingly unforgiving, cold air.

As she sat there, in front of the stone that bore the letters,

R.I.P.

..l..

Creeping laziness. Stark contrasts. Grunting monologues. Uneasy silence. Piercing numbness. Empty minds. Lost thoughts.

It's a freaking Sunday & I have nothing but work to do

Presentations are fucked up. You know why? Cos for that meager 4 minutes of talking, you have to slave for a wayyy longer period to get prepared. WTF. What happens in 4 minutes I ask you? Walk out of classroom. Take deep breaths, amble around, glance glance glance. Walk back into classroom. There. 4 minutes.

Another pointless post brought to you by moi.

HOW COME~~~

How come....??? How come my room mate is so damn hardworking~~~ make people feel guilty like hell only la wtf... How come she can stay in the room for the whole day and diligently do homework / study ?? HOW COME??? T_______________T

Eh where she went har. Don't tell me she went to discuss Accounts without me har T_T. Haih never mind also lah, I can't contribute anything also T_T.

Scared shitless

When I'm inspired, maybe I can come up with more him; she stories.

Now, all I am is fucking scared k! OMG like scared till dunno how! T___________T

I hate this feeling. This feeling of impending doom. Feeling lost like a fucking sheep in a jungle. Damn fucked up. Nothing gets more fucked up than this wtf. Maybe other than discovering that your girlfriend just got knocked up.

By someone else wtf.

Oh God, if You are there and listening, please bless this child with the sudden ability to conjure up a good Economics essay on Thursday. T_T. I BEG YOU WTFFF....

Again, damn fucked up wtf.