The sad thing is, my English proficiency level has either deteriorated or has remained stagnant since high school.

And that, doesn't make me happy :(((.

Woe is me II

I can't even count the times I've accidentally cut myself while using the knife anymore T_T

My hands are like covered with minor cuts and scars. By the rate I'm going... I don't even wanna think about what's gonna happen WTF. (maciam banyak serious like that wtf)

Woe is me

*clicks on URL*

"Wtf STIL haven't updated??? How long has it been already? Not doing Project 365 one meh??"

*Sees date*

"Eh? This was yesterday's post? Why do I feel like I've seen it a million times already?"

Realize, "That's because I have T_______T"

Such is the pathetic existence that is me. Revisiting blogs a million times a day. T___T

Fuck this shit!

I might just declare this blog dead. Sigh...

KK!!!

ZOMG KRISPY KREME IS FINALLY COMING TO MSIA!!!! WTF!!!! I WANT I WANT I WANT!!! IT'S ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING TIME WEI!!!

Why do good things happen AFTER I'm freakin miles away?? First Jason Mraz now this? Holy shit guacamole!

Wonder how much would they be selling the damn awesome doughnuts for? Maybe it'll be cheaper to get them here pulak wtf.

Sigh. KK absolutely pwns all the other doughnuts out there. Other doughnut selling outlets at Times Square, prepare to go bankrupt wtf.

*teary eyed* The thought of Krispy Kreme in KL just makes me all fuzzy and warm inside. Wtf. So happy :)))

Tak Boleh

Fuck this shit!

I simply CANNOT get this outta my head!

*Click*

HAHA so damn sohai. FotC FTW, totally.

Side note: Also CANNOT seem to concentrate on all these words and numbers jumping out at me from these damn textbooks. Le sigh. Bestow some concentration upon me please wtf!

Long ing

Got this from an email:

The battle between the common Malay and UMNO is just beginning :

Cry my beloved Malay soul
AB Sulaiman

When Alan Paton wrote 'Cry The Beloved Country' he was lamenting over
the inhumanity of man over man, of how the whites can devise,
construct and implement race- and colour-based social and economic
injustices over the blacks in apartheid-era South Africa.  The whole
world had condemned this practice; we (Malaysian Government) were
among the loudest screaming against it.

South Africa has moved on since then, and today it is one shining
example of an emancipated, open and progressive country, enjoying a
respectable place in the community of nations. It has thrown apartheid
into the bins of its history.

Here in Malaysia, yes we condemn apartheid, and quite rightly so. But
in the same breath we were and are still its major proponent our
version of apartheid.  We do not call it apartheid; of course not. We
call it instead 'Ketuanan Melayu' under the guise of 'championing
Malay rights,' and implementing it under the New Economic Policy
(NEP). It's smart, right ? In none of them does the word 'apartheid'
appear !

Yes, we are smart. We do not blatantly call it apartheid, we merely
perfected the process of social separation. First of all we ensure the
great majority of civil servants, the police, and the military are
manned by Malays (the target benefactors). We give them good salaries,
good perks and assured employment. We then devise rules and
regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP's easy implementation.
We then brainwash our Malay brethren with the notion 'untuk agama
bangsa dan negara' that there is a higher ideal beyond performing a
duty with professionalism and dedication, and that is doing things in
the name of religion and race.

We devise rules and regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP's
easy implementation. Then we design and implement social and economic
policies like channeling lucrative government contracts, separate
education streams, housing rebates, banking and financial support, in
favour of, you guessed it, the Malays.

It does not stop there. We devise measures to prevent the people from
raising too much objections to all these by introducing or continuing
legislation and religiously implementing them. The Sedition Act for
example stops people from talking too much about language and
religion. The Official Secrets Act prevents people from gaining access
to government files. Students and lecturers are not allowed to discuss
and make public any subject that would appear to be critical to
government (yes, government, not political) policies and philosophies.
All publications must, first of all, get operating licences.
Newspapers must not only get a licence before publishing but it must
be renewed every year.

Sacrifices conveniently forgotten
The king of all of the suppressive and oppressive laws is the Internal
Security Act, when a citizen can be put under detention without the
benefit of any charge ! All said and done, we sacrifice the rule of
law in favour of rule by private individuals. To show that we are
really smart, we pooh pooh the loyalty and patriotism of the non-Malay
segment of the population.

We call them pendatang or immigrants bearing the stigma that they are
social discard from their original country, similar to rogues,
rascals, refugees, mercenaries and scoundrels. We just ignore their
proven talent and ability in wealth creation and economic
productivity, as well as to their demonstrated loyalty and patriotism.
Many of such pendatangs have made the ultimate sacrifices as military
personnel defending its security, during the Emergency, the
Confrontation period with Indonesia and as policemen while policing
the social environment.  They have contributed and are continuing to,
in sport and the arts. Their record as loyal and patriotic Malaysians
is quite impeccable. But we do not really care.

The perplexing thing is that despite these attributes and positive
records of the non-Malays, we are still going about championing and
implement apartheid principles. In this new year, perhaps we can do
with a little reflection: why are we doing all this?

We do this apparently to recover our lost soul. We perceive that we
have been victims of colonisation when the Portuguese, Dutch and
British colonisers all but butchered the Malay entity, psychology and
culture. In the process we perceive that we have lost our Malay
identity.
With independence, we thought we could recapture the lost glory of
Malay suzerainty by becoming masters of all facets of a nation,
especially its commerce, and economy. We found out that the Chinese
community had beaten us to it.  We felt the Chinese had capitalised on
our weakness and captured the economic initiatives (and wealth) as
well as the social characteristics of the country. We lost 'face'.

Now we want to regain the mertabat or dignity and pride of the Malay
race!  Yes, we feel that we have to recover our soul and it is here
that we are reminded of Paton's book title, but in this case suitably
paraphrased to – cry my beloved Malay soul.  Our Malay soul needs to
cry for doing the right thing for the wrong reason or the wrong thing
for the right reason; even for the wrong thing for the wrong reason,
but not for the right thing for the right reason.

To start with colonisation is really not an excuse for our
psychological malaise and ineptitude. Colonisation has been a feature
of human history and felt all over the world. There are very few
countries that have not been colonised in the world.  It is thus a
neutral concept in human social and economic development. It is
certainly not an impediment to social or economic progress as we are
wont to portray it. We should dump this notion that we hold dear into
the bin of history.

Rethinking our way of thinking
Just look at the records. The Koreans were once colonised by the
Japanese, but today Korea is an industrial power house. Singapore was
once colonised by the British and was indeed a part of us, and today
we see this tiny country being a solid financial, trading and
industrial entity. Most pointedly of all, the US was once a British
colony and today it is the mightiest nation in the world. Our second
grouse - that the Chinese have cornered the economic sector of the
country also needs re-looking into, on two counts.

First, the Chinese did not become successful based on any conscious
and concerted economic programme to economically marginalise us.
We did this self-inflicted wound ourselves. As proof, we have to note
that most of the Chinese came to our shores with only their feet,
hands, guts and brains and perhaps a bundle of clothes, nothing more.
They become successful for their hard work, both physically and
mentally and for the sacrifices they were prepared to make and had
undertaken. They were successful for having the mental fortitude to
seek opportunities, grab those that come along and worked extra hard
to realise the potentials of these opportunities.

Secondly, we have been given a chance to be equal with them, both
under numerous 'special privileges' enshrined in the Constitution, as
well as under its NEP implementation programme. The special privileges
have always been in the constitution while the latter began in 1970.
In short, we have been given the chance - the opportunity - many times
over, to better our Malay polity. Whereas the Chinese had to struggle
just to find and identify the opportunities, in our case they were
handed to us on a silver platter! Thus far we have failed to
capitalise adequately on them. It rather shameful we missing out on
these chances specially created for us in the first place.

Either way the root cause of our weaknesses and the strength of the
Chinese lies in two words - positive thinking. Our thinking is mired
with so many dos and don'ts, so many musts and musn'ts, so many cans
and cannots, may and may nots, plenty enough to created and
internalise doubts and fears in our minds. So much so that we have
doubt over what we can and what we can't do, what is allowed and what
is not. We spend a lifetime looking for these highly complex cans and
cannots, musts and must nots, that we have hardly any mental energy
left to develop and self-confidence to get on and face the realities
of life.

Let's refer to this case as the 'can't don't and won't syndrome'. The
Chinese by the way are not encumbered by such syndromes.  What appears
to have happened is that this syndrome has affected our mental ability
to conceptualise. We see things on the straight and narrow. We accept
wisdoms handed down to us by our elders as the gospel truth.

Blinded by sentiment
We do not see that things can be seen and interpreted in many
alternative ways. We feel we have the monopoly on truth; we therefore
think that we are right all the time and other people are wrong all
the time. Witness the way we see religion for example.
We think that we as Muslims are right and other people who profess
other religions are wrong, all the time.

We need to cry for thinking that we can and have doctored the way the
people think and do things. We have been intimidating the people with
what they can read or write or think and do. We seem to be saying "you
can think anything, do anything, write anything so long as it does not
criticise or condemn the government".

Soul-searching and resuscitating is not or should not be about
pointing accusing fingers at some bogeys. That would be a most
negative thing to do. It would be better for us to be open-minded and
be able to identify our own strengths and weaknesses. We improve upon
our strengths and dump our weaknesses. Mainly we must be able to
develop the awareness that we have both the strengths and weaknesses
in the first place. To illustrate, the NEP has proved many time over
as a failed strategy for our socio-economic advancement. Let us be
aware of this in the first place and move on seeking other ways with
better chance of success. How about secularising the Malay mind? It
might make for a good start for we can see many of the don'ts, can'ts,
musn'ts dissipating into the wind. In the meantime, here we are in the
early days of a new year. We should begin by realising that whatever
'smart' moves we had undertaken all this while have not really been
that smart after all.

The joke is on us. Everybody says so – the liberated Malays, the
non-Malays, our neighbours and the rest of the international
community. Only those of us basking in our closed mind and benefiting
from the profits of the status quo say it's alright. Happy New Year
all the same and here's hoping this year we can get a good perspective
as to what propagating a good mertabat really means. It's long
overdue.

In the meantime, cry my beloved Malay soul.







:( I feel so sad for my country. So much potential, so beautiful.

But wrecked and blinded by greed, corruption, dirty politics, self righteousness, closed minds.

It's home.

There's no where else I belong, no matter how many countries I visit, how hard I try to blend in.

Fact is the blood in me, is Malaysian.

Ancestors were from China, but would the Chinese accept me as one of their own with open arms?

I doubt it.

There's no place like home, really.

What is it like?

to do things out of passion and interest,

instead of duty and obligation?

One month.

Already.

And still alive.

Can't say the same for the blog though wtf.

Eh

Wtf I'm flying off TODAY? TONIGHT?? Are you fucking kidding me wei?

Argh argh argh.

Anyway, don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Oh God tomorrow need to go out again. Aih I don't know why I agreed to it. My friend crazy one, been asking me out everyday this week T_T

I freaking love my alone time la is that so hard to understand? Spending time with myself is like the highlight of my day haha I sound like a fucking narcissist who masturbates wtf.

Yeah but it's true (not the masturbating narcissist part la haiya). I feel so fucking lazy to go out. Most of the time, if not all, I just wanna stay at home and do... stuff. Or better yet, nothing. Hello doing nothing is my absolute looove. I don't even recognize boredom anymore cos doing nothing is like the highlight of my day WTF WTF.

Yes. I've turned into this boring old hag! And I don't seem to mind. I like being invisible. Being unknown. Being low profile. Yea. *peace sign wtf*

Fucking random post before I leave wtf.

Goodbye, delicious, sinful, filling Ramly burgers. Double Special Cheese OMG FTW. I'm drooling already fuck this.

Finally,

something to be excited about wtf.

For RM300, I did something my parents would think is stupid, unforgivable, totally wasteful!









What is it, you ask?

Did I whore myself wtf?

Or did I pay some whore for carnal pleasure wtf?






NO. It's this:























(after bath)



YES I finally got inked!

Behold:
































(Taken after taking bandage out, pictures blur as they're cropped. Cannot show my room haha the perils of blogging anonymously wtf)

Ish I wanna put up pictures of my bloody bandage one, can see the bloody 'ROCK' outline somemore wtf. But I lazy. Heh.

How painful was it eh? Sometimes, it felt like getting sliced with a knife. Sometimes, it was bearable haha. But the artist inked a little then rubbed a little, so can tahan lah. Mine took about an hour.

Gross part:
I was sweating without even knowing it wtf. Mind you I was wearing a tube in an air-conditioned room. Mana tahu I felt the sweat travel down my arms wtf. Not a neverending current la luckily wtf. It was hardly noticeable. Ha... ha... I hope wtf *shifty eyed*.

To be honest, the 'K' is a lil bit senget haha. But do I look like I care wtf! Actually I myself can't even see it up front! It's more of being satisfied I can strike one thing off my to-do list WTF. Or, when I feel like it again, I can just get another tattoo! To cover up the sengetness, or camouflage it, or divert attention away from it whatever. Yay. I think almost definitely I'll get another one. An image. Ahhh *dreamy*

This is also a 'Fuck You' to them who want to turn all of us into mindless, conforming drones. Lanjiao go eat shit ok. I don't need your damn money wtf. _l_

Conflicted

Why?

Because a part of me wishes that I won't have the need to sleep, hence more time can be spent doing things I'm supposed to be doing.

But a part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. That's why I wake up at around late afternoon everyday when the room feels like an oven. Because it'll be too fucking hot to ignore the little voice in my head that goes "Time to fucking wake up... Ugghhh...". Because I'll be fucking sweating like nobody's business.

Cibai.

UuuuuuUUWAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so fucking tired of looking for a fucking place to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT LA!!!!!

I

am...

such a procrastinator!!! Delay search for house la, delay bathing la wtf, delay any research whatsoever la, delay any form of learning whatsoever la, delay this delay that... As my mum simply loves loves LOVES to say, I always DILLY-DALLY wtf.

Digressing, I think dilly-dally is THE most disgusting phrase ever! I've been bombarded with it since God-knows-when (since I started dilly-dallying and never looked back I guess wtf), so many times that I just want to fucking strangle it! And the person who came up with it. Why the fuck did you decide to torment mankind with such a disgusting, revolting phrase like dilly dally??! Have you gotten sick of the phrase yet? No? Try repeating it ten times everyday. That would be suffice to make you sick to your stomach.

Ok, so I should be surfing for some plausible places to stay. But what do I do first? Well read blogs of course wtf! And I do that every single time wtf. No matter that I just clicked on those links a few moments ago. No matter that I know those blogs won't have new posts up anytime soon. Still, I click on those bloody links. OR, I click on new links! Discover more blogs wtf! The possibilities are endless cos no worries, there are millions of blogs out there yo! And in the end, didn't manage to accomplish shit. Sigh.

What is wrong with me can someone tell me? Can you? Or you? Or you? *points everywhere even if nobody's there wtf*

***

should...

learn how to be grateful yadda yadda...

not feel so stressed? (But how can one not in times like these sigh)

be excited wtf?

be calm and composed wtf.

repeat this to myself:

There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

be fearless, as a result of repeating the mantra wtf.

practice what I preach.

not avoid.

learn.

organise.

Note: Wtf this list can go on forever and ever... so I shall not continue.

***

don't plan things too far into the future. I don't have a list like,
By 28:
1. Get married.
2. Earn first million.
3. Buy bungalow.

29:
1. Have kids.
2. Earn first billion.
3. Buy a continent.

You know, a list like that. I'm sure some people do.

It's just, easier to face life a day at a time. (Partly due to procrastinating nature wtf) Life just doesn't seem so heavy that way.

That's why I don't really want to look into the future, say 10 years from now, and ask where would I be. Who knows, I could be dead by then. The future is unpredictable shit, accidents can happen, sickness can happen, anything can happen.

And that is why, I'm not bervisi like other people wtf.

Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

Maybe it's also because I don't see myself advancing anywhere in life doing something I don't give two fucks about. Because I gave up, the moment I found out that life is fucked up and so is the world.

Arghhh. Think happy thoughts happy thoughts wtf.

Er er... world peace! Freedom! Rainbows! Teh tarik! Instant noodles! Ramly burgers! Chicken rice! Ba gua! KFC! Pizza! (Wtf once start with food confirm cannot stop one)

Ephemeral

Last November, after finals when I came back home and was immediately unpacking, my mum said, "This is not the end, you know. It's just the beginning!" (insert awkward/nervous laughter some more). Partly cos I was putting things back and she thought I should set them aside for when I head abroad instead.

That time all I felt was, "Not. Funny. At. All. -_-... just leave me alone la ugh."

Suddenly, I really am nearing that supposed beginning. Tiba-tiba jer, flung into this whole whirlwind of information, anxiety, worry, stress, fruitless search, terror, fluctuations, answerless questions, endless questions, pressure, responsibility, independence and a lot more. It's a bigass whirlwind all right.

WOI! what happened to my holiday wei?!? Why gone already one??! GIVE ME BACK MY MUTHAFUCKING HOLIDAY LA WEI!!!

Holidays. Such fleeting moments.

Damn.

Then, Now

Yesterday,

a new life was brought to this world.

All I would say to her if she was here is,

Welcome. But I feel sorry for you. *sigh dramatically*

Then today,

I cooked! Wtf.

Edible? Check. Didn't burn down the kitchen? Check.

Hello God you DO exist wtf, and I would like to thank you wtf.

Ok ok it was just fried rice... but first time mar.

WWUD : What Would the Unsub Do (wtf)

So well yeah today consisted of only 4 activities : Sleep. Eat. Read newspapers. Read blogs.

If bumming around is considered another activity, then make it a 5th. But personally, I think it encompasses all 4 activities. Hey, wouldn't that ultimately mean that I should have typed "today consisted of only 1 activity?"

The complexities we face. Damn.

Anyway, there was this article in the newspapers. The first paragraph contained words that immediately struck a chord in me.

..."avoiding the inevitables of life".

Ah something that I'm all too familiar with. Way too familiar.

***

Random thought of the day:

If I were to have an alter ego name (whatever that means), it would be Unsub. Don't you think Unsub sounds cool? Viewers of Criminal Minds would know what I'm talking about.

I had no idea what Unsub meant, didn't even put a thought to it actually. Clueless as to why the pepretrators were being called 'the Unsub'. Until I finally found out that oh it was short for Unknown Subject (of an Investigation).

But of course! What a doofus I am.

**

Post ends abruptly here cos don't know how to continue wtf.

Today,

I did nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Wow.

Do I sound surprised? Why do I still sound surprised at my ability to do nothing?

You look back and wonder, what the hell happened?

Life happened.










Must life turn all of us into cynical, jaded people?

He; She : Red

She was to be frank, a little nervous. Names were being called. Why wasn't it her turn yet? That, and because it was well, a test. The mere mention of the word 'test' could make her jittery, and butterflies would start sprouting like mushrooms in her stomach. Not that it was necessary, cos she always ended up doing well.

So, she was on one of the uncomfortable plastic seats in the stuffy, cramp place. Anyone claustrophobic would be running through the door by now. But not her, she needed to concentrate. Flipping furiously through the pages of the book for the millionth time, she practically could have recited any page by memory.

The door cracked open. Everybody looked up, thirsty for a reprieve from the yellow book in their hands, to look at their newest member. Almost immediately, nearly everyone's eyes darted back to their books. He wore sleeves of tattoos, multiple piercings and a scowl. And in everyone's mind the words "BAD NEWS" flashed like a siren.

Nearly everyone. Her eyes stayed fixated on him. His feet, to be exact. They bothered her.

He scanned around the place for a seat. Seemed like the only unoccupied seat was beside the girl. The one wearing a beige knee length collared dress and yellow cardigan, and was strangely eyeing his feet doggedly. Ugh, what the heck. He thought, and planted himself on the seat.

Twiddling her thumbs, she couldn't take it anymore. It was gnawing at her system, chipping away at her nerves like a woodpecker would a tree bark. All her life, she was one to follow the rules and regulations, never questioning them. A good old law abiding citizen. Hence, she just had to be the good Samaritan.

He was examining his fingernails when she cleared her throat. He didn't suspect anything. Didn't have time to, really and was totally caught off guard. All of a sudden, he was thrown into the abyss of what known to humans as "Conversation".

"Excuse me, Mister..." Ever the polite. "Sorry to bother you but, maybe you didn't notice... the sign on the door says that slippers are not allowed?" Her face painted a picture of total earnestness. Her finger pointed to his flip flops, one of the many pairs that he own.

He was taken aback. Unsure of how to respond. He could have flipped her the middle finger like how he would usually do in these situations, but there was something about her that suppressed that reflex of his. Was it her big doe eyes? The way she bit her lips? The way she regarded him like he was any other normal person? How she called him 'Mister'?

Ah, he was intrigued. And struggling to come up with a response. Thus, he went "So?" nonchalantly, without even moving his lips.

"So? So, you may be forbidden from taking the test!" She blurted out as if it was preposterous that she needed to tell him that. She emphasized the word 'forbidden' a tad too much though. "Are you here to take the test anyway? You seem kinda erm, mature." Seconds later, her eyes widened in realization. "Is it cos your license was exterminated (she couldn't think of a better term at that moment)?" Hell, she was on a roll.

"Er." What the fuck. "Yeah, you can say that."

"But why?"

"D.U.I."

"Oh." She continued, "You really shouldn't drink and drive, you know."

No response, only a slight grunt. Why is she still talking to me?

Not a conversationalist, huh. Oh well. She returned to her book.

*****

A few moments later, finally her name was called. "PC SATU!!!"

Number one! A good sign. She grinned inwardly. She stood up, not forgetting to turn back to the taciturn one and chirp, "Wish me luck!" All she got was a reluctant "Yea" in return.


*****

Less than 10 minutes was all it took. She grabbed her bag and headed out of the room to get her results printed. 49 over 50. She was pleased, but she could have done better, she told herself.

*****

Before she left, she glanced at him and smiled, wondering if he would smile back. Surprisingly, his features softened, just for a sec. The corners of his mouth curled up, just a wee bit. Evidently, he wasn't one who was used to the expression of smiling.

*****

That, was their first encounter. An encounter that occurred at where mostly teenagers took their Undang test.

Neither of them thought that they would meet again. Not anytime soon, not ever.


But oh, how they were so wonderfully wrong.