Perhaps my only balance is in realizing that I can't find a balance after all.

I've spent these couple of days getting fat and flatulent on bread, jam and chocolate. And also having my period. I sorta take my period as a cue to just let myself go wtf, like I'm gonna scoff on all the comfort food I can get cos hey, I'm having my fucking period, I'm depressed, I feel like a piece of shit yadda yadda. So out the window goes my budget, my dignity, my dosage of any physical activity and so on.

You know how they say... life has endless possibilities? Well let's see, is it possible for me to teleport? Is it possible that I just quit all these crap right now, fly off to do something else AND wouldn't have to face the wrath of my family? Is it possible for me not to do any of my god forsaken assignments? Is it possible for me to snap out of depression once and for all? Is it possible for me to have naturally bigger boobs wtf? Is it possible for me to eat all the fucking cake I want, till I get fucking sick, AND not get fat without exercise wtf?

Endless possibilities my fucking ass.

So so so restless nowadays. Mind scattered everywhere. All the decisions. It's like I'm not even here. Bits and pieces of me are drifting... What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this even real or all these are just bullshit spawned from a mind looking for distractions?

FUCK THIS SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

So sick of my own thoughts. Give me Charlie Sheen's brain anytime wtf.

It's only been a month, and already several times I've found myself thinking, I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Safe to say that sentence have appeared so many times here. After so goddamn long, I still haven't gotten any stronger and that sucks. That sucks big time. Worst of all, I don't know who to turn to because I hate people in general. And how to tell? What's there to tell? It's all so... abstract. When you wanna find the words, they can't come out because they don't exist wtf. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you why can't you just suck it up grit your teeth and move the fuck on. Plus there's the whole not wanting to dump your burdens on other people thing, cos everyone has their own issues to deal with and nobody needs more crap.

My eyes are tired. I look fugly when I cry. I wonder when can I finally tell my mum, I'm unhappy, and have been so for a very long time. And I can't remember when it all started, or how or why. Or maybe it'll come out in a long overdue scream fest with me yelling, "This! This is what I've become! So next time you want me to be grateful for being born think about THIS!!" and pointing to myself with veins popping out, face reddening and tears gushing out. Pretty sight huh.

But what can I do other that to wait it out, to let it pass. I told my friend the same thing. And it sucks that there's nothing more you can do about it.

The URL should be changed to selfhatred instead wtf.

***
Another thing I don't remember. How I ended up choosing this course. I remember being so fed up of exams after SPM, I couldn't bear the thought of doing STPM. I remember being sick of science that I didn't wanna touch anything science-related anymore. Funny thing is I miss it, even if it's just a little bit. But why accounting? Probably cos other than engineering and medicine, law or accounting were the only viable options. Some stereotypes are so fucking true. I I thought I could do this, power through something I don't like, but it's getting tougher and tougher to get to the end.

Need: a new life. New identity. To get the fuck out of here.

Man I need a drink. Alcoholic friends, wish you guys were here with me right now wtf.

What do you do when the reason you've been feeling "fine" is because everything was shoved down to be forgotten, and all that was needed to open the floodgates was a text message?

Is it wrong to just push things aside, push those goddamn feelings aside, to enable yourself to get through the days? GODDAMN FEELINGS. I HATE THE GODDAMN FEELINGS.

You see the people moving past, rushing about... and you're here, remaining stagnant.

I was fine, theoretically. But why do the littlest things manage to chip away at this facade to make me crumble again?

Somehow, I wanna pour my heart and soul into this but I'm not interested in you so why should you be interested in me.

I find myself growing more and more apathetic by the day, more and more self-absorbed. We shouldn't look into the past, but I can see that things were not peachy from a long time ago. Even so, I feel that there's a glimmer of hope for me. I think this is the advantage of youth and slowly even this will slip away if I don't do anything about it. Being young provides idealism, naivete, hope and strength. You've lost all your zest, but I'd like to think that I still have some left, even just a little to keep me going.

Why is it that when other people write stuff like this,

"Just Listen for a moment, OK? Listen, this is the important bit. If you’d felt… I felt. I was looking down on this planet. <…> And I see the suffering. And the wars. And the grab, grab, grab. And I think: Fuck Money. Fuck it. This selling. This buying. This system. Fuck the bitching world and let’s be… beautiful. Beautiful. And happy. You see?”

it's awesome, but if I were to write something like that I'd sound douchey and pretentious? Is it me?

Want: to have James Franco-like metabolism and productivity; do EVERYTHING.

How're you doing?

Goddammit what IS it about this god forsaken place that makes me eat so goddamn much???

I've GOT to get my fucking act together dammit.

Here we go again, days blending into each other, waking up to the futility of existence and so on.

Existentialism galore.

Dude, I've been back for only a week and it already feels like forever fml.

The more I do this the more I'm convinced I don't wanna do this for another year.

Another full circle has come and gone, the time to depart is nearing again. And so sleepless nights ensue... well not that I was sleeping well before this. It's the same problem that never goes away, the restless mind that lunges into overdrive as soon as the eyes are shut. I think I'm not physically exhausted enough, I have to be totally knackered at the end of the day to fall into deep, undisturbed slumber. So the problem is... I'm just spiritually exhausted?

True, I have no measurable wisdom to impart. But if I could, I would want to impart a wee bit to my little niece.

I would tell her to be happy, and not get frustrated or cry over the smallest things. Relish in your childhood, cos god knows growing up will indeed suck balls and you'll have less chance to laugh with wild abandon. If I could, I would shake some sense into her, going "Why are you crying over this?? Stop wasting your time and energy with your manipulative tears!! LIVE your goddamn life before it begins to go downhill!!"

I don't know, I guess it pains me a little to see such a young thing getting frustrated and crying so easily when in truth she doesn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. Yet. When in the future she's gonna have so much (uncountable wtf) more opportunities and reasons to sob, bawl and choke over tears.

But of course, at the end of the day she's just a toddler. Of course she won't listen to reason or understand shit if anyone tries to talk sense into her like an adult. I think everyone just has to get that into their head, that way everyone will feel better. Her grandfather launches into his typical philosophical speeches trying to teach her as if that's gonna work.

I look at her and wonder what she'll be like when she grows up. Don't we all wonder? However she turns out, I just want her to be happy and not end up disillusioned, jaded or resentful. I wish her the best.

Maybe I do have pleasant dreams, far into the night when I'm sound asleep, maybe I just don't remember them. Cos the dreams I have before waking up, are all weird, oftentimes disturbing, and none pleasant.

And now that I've woken up, I'm even more exhausted than before I fell asleep.

***
Good God I just had period shit, hard piles of shit that burst my piles wtf. But where's the period blood? All the symptoms seem to be present, fatigue, carb craving, hard deuce, bloating, although... huh there's no boob tenderness. I hate it when my body does this. Giving me all the buildup but missing the main plot. Jeez.

I really don't know how to write anymore. Too many times have I started typing only to end up logging off and adding another post to my drafts. Cos dude, there's nothing to write about. And living life uninspired has been a fact.

Today was one of those days when you try to wake up early telling yourself that you should do this and that. Only to realise that you didn't get enough sleep even though you slept relatively early last night. Still, you thought you should just stick through the sleepiness and save it for night time but failed to do so. Instead, you took a groggy nap in the afternoon and had weird dreams then woke up groggier than ever with puffy eyes. Yeah it was like that. You get me?

Sigh. See what I mean when I say I don't know how to write anymore.

Dude. I need me some mojo.

And my fucking day back. To rewind the moment when the realisation struck, "Wow I'm really not gonna accomplish anything today am I" Wtf.

Is it weird that you feel like crying, even if it's for no reason at all, thinking that it'd be cathartic?

Especially while listening to sad songs from a Korean drama. Isn't it exhausting to act in a Korean drama? There's always so much tears and frustration going on.

Sometimes when I'm having these douchey thoughts, I really wanna stop sounding so douchey in my head but I realise that I can't help it cos that's really all that I have to offer at the moment.

I don't know how to be more for you cos this is all I can offer you right now. This is all you're gonna get from me at the moment.

When I'm having these douchey thoughts, I really hate myself. I don't know how to stop them, or am I just gonna stay so damn douchey forever?

By golly this not being able to sleep immediately thing is so fucking annoying. That span between lying my head on the pillow and actually falling asleep makes me think I should be doing something, like drinking beer and eating peanuts with one leg put up on the chair, or curl someplace and cry, or go watch TV or something. So. fucking. annoying.

I should just go get some sleeping pills wtf.

I hate this shit. A little over an hour ago I was so fucking sleepy but once I actually lie on the bed I can't fall asleep. What the fuck man? Why does my mind do this to me? Go into overdrive when I need to fucking sleep. God.