It's unfair for teens to be forced into choosing their career paths so early when they really have no idea what the fuck is it that they want. What's the alternative? Oh I don't know. The world sucks, the world's fucked up etc.

I guess some days the pointlessness of living hits hard... and today is one of those days?

Man how I hate the cold. It's annoying. It's always there. No matter how much clothes you pile on, there's always somewhere cold air can get in to annoy you. Thing is, it's not freezing cold, it's just cold enough to annoy the fuck outta me. My feet are constantly cold, so are my fingers... everything's just so uncomfortable. Fuck this shit man. And I feel as if I'm on the verge of having a headache or something? Gawd so uncomfortable. Everything's just so UNCOMFORTABLE. Having to wear a sweater all the fucking time. Sweater gets dirty from being worn all the time wtf. Pants and socks, sometimes gloves. Don't feel like moving, just feel like staring out into space.

Why the fuck do people subject themselves to these conditions. I'd prefer living in a tropical country over any seasonal country anytime wtf. London, maybe few weeks tops, then I'd get the heck outta there. New York, greatest city in the world, but if the weather starts sucking, I'd get the fuck outta there too to hide out and bask in the sun somewhere else. But of course people born in seasonal countries are used to these conditions I guess. Still, it sucks.

And the rain, oh the rain. When it rains over here, it can be the deepest parts of hell. The wind, the cold, the erratic patterns, one minute it can be just drizzling, the next it fucking pours like outta nowhere, and the next the sun comes out oooh rainbow... the fucking next it's all dark and gloomy again and the pavement's flooding wtf.

Fuck this shit man. It's not even officially winter yet.

***
Life is absurd. Deal with it. How does one deal with the absurdity of life?

Why can't people who don't wanna live just click a switch and drop dead wtf.

What is the point?

***
Things would be so much easier if I were really just a robot.

Today was just one of those days... where you ask what the hell are you doing with your life...

I wanna spend my time and energy with art and literature, not numbers and reading up on taxes and the economy :(

Shit that I don't give two fucks about, I really don't give any fuck about. I'm not saying that finance and accounting and stuff aren't important, they are, but just... let other people deal with it. It's just not for me.

What do you tell yourself when you know you went down the wrong path but you can't do anything about it.

Move the fuck along. Just, move the fuck along.

SONOFABITCHIHATETHISFUCKINGASSIGNMENT
MAHAIJUSTLETITENDPLEASEMUTHAFUCKERRRR

Oh my Gawd I'm so fucking sick of this assignment! Not even sure if what I'm doing is correct. Gawd. What fuckery is this.

Half-assing my way through it all.

Perhaps my only balance is in realizing that I can't find a balance after all.

I've spent these couple of days getting fat and flatulent on bread, jam and chocolate. And also having my period. I sorta take my period as a cue to just let myself go wtf, like I'm gonna scoff on all the comfort food I can get cos hey, I'm having my fucking period, I'm depressed, I feel like a piece of shit yadda yadda. So out the window goes my budget, my dignity, my dosage of any physical activity and so on.

You know how they say... life has endless possibilities? Well let's see, is it possible for me to teleport? Is it possible that I just quit all these crap right now, fly off to do something else AND wouldn't have to face the wrath of my family? Is it possible for me not to do any of my god forsaken assignments? Is it possible for me to snap out of depression once and for all? Is it possible for me to have naturally bigger boobs wtf? Is it possible for me to eat all the fucking cake I want, till I get fucking sick, AND not get fat without exercise wtf?

Endless possibilities my fucking ass.

So so so restless nowadays. Mind scattered everywhere. All the decisions. It's like I'm not even here. Bits and pieces of me are drifting... What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this even real or all these are just bullshit spawned from a mind looking for distractions?

FUCK THIS SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

So sick of my own thoughts. Give me Charlie Sheen's brain anytime wtf.

It's only been a month, and already several times I've found myself thinking, I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Safe to say that sentence have appeared so many times here. After so goddamn long, I still haven't gotten any stronger and that sucks. That sucks big time. Worst of all, I don't know who to turn to because I hate people in general. And how to tell? What's there to tell? It's all so... abstract. When you wanna find the words, they can't come out because they don't exist wtf. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you why can't you just suck it up grit your teeth and move the fuck on. Plus there's the whole not wanting to dump your burdens on other people thing, cos everyone has their own issues to deal with and nobody needs more crap.

My eyes are tired. I look fugly when I cry. I wonder when can I finally tell my mum, I'm unhappy, and have been so for a very long time. And I can't remember when it all started, or how or why. Or maybe it'll come out in a long overdue scream fest with me yelling, "This! This is what I've become! So next time you want me to be grateful for being born think about THIS!!" and pointing to myself with veins popping out, face reddening and tears gushing out. Pretty sight huh.

But what can I do other that to wait it out, to let it pass. I told my friend the same thing. And it sucks that there's nothing more you can do about it.

The URL should be changed to selfhatred instead wtf.

***
Another thing I don't remember. How I ended up choosing this course. I remember being so fed up of exams after SPM, I couldn't bear the thought of doing STPM. I remember being sick of science that I didn't wanna touch anything science-related anymore. Funny thing is I miss it, even if it's just a little bit. But why accounting? Probably cos other than engineering and medicine, law or accounting were the only viable options. Some stereotypes are so fucking true. I I thought I could do this, power through something I don't like, but it's getting tougher and tougher to get to the end.

Need: a new life. New identity. To get the fuck out of here.

Man I need a drink. Alcoholic friends, wish you guys were here with me right now wtf.

What do you do when the reason you've been feeling "fine" is because everything was shoved down to be forgotten, and all that was needed to open the floodgates was a text message?

Is it wrong to just push things aside, push those goddamn feelings aside, to enable yourself to get through the days? GODDAMN FEELINGS. I HATE THE GODDAMN FEELINGS.

You see the people moving past, rushing about... and you're here, remaining stagnant.

I was fine, theoretically. But why do the littlest things manage to chip away at this facade to make me crumble again?

Somehow, I wanna pour my heart and soul into this but I'm not interested in you so why should you be interested in me.

I find myself growing more and more apathetic by the day, more and more self-absorbed. We shouldn't look into the past, but I can see that things were not peachy from a long time ago. Even so, I feel that there's a glimmer of hope for me. I think this is the advantage of youth and slowly even this will slip away if I don't do anything about it. Being young provides idealism, naivete, hope and strength. You've lost all your zest, but I'd like to think that I still have some left, even just a little to keep me going.

Why is it that when other people write stuff like this,

"Just Listen for a moment, OK? Listen, this is the important bit. If you’d felt… I felt. I was looking down on this planet. <…> And I see the suffering. And the wars. And the grab, grab, grab. And I think: Fuck Money. Fuck it. This selling. This buying. This system. Fuck the bitching world and let’s be… beautiful. Beautiful. And happy. You see?”

it's awesome, but if I were to write something like that I'd sound douchey and pretentious? Is it me?

Want: to have James Franco-like metabolism and productivity; do EVERYTHING.

How're you doing?

Goddammit what IS it about this god forsaken place that makes me eat so goddamn much???

I've GOT to get my fucking act together dammit.

Here we go again, days blending into each other, waking up to the futility of existence and so on.

Existentialism galore.

Dude, I've been back for only a week and it already feels like forever fml.

The more I do this the more I'm convinced I don't wanna do this for another year.