I may not look like it and I don't know when, but I think I've become a hippy at heart. I mean, I love the sun, keen to the idea of prancing around barefoot with lush ungroomed armpits lol probably topless on a beach too wtf, and I'm totally down with the idea of hugs as currency. Hugs as currency. Hyeah, that's how much of a hippy I actually am.

Maybe's it's Blogspot, but a lot of times I've felt like writing, and ended up stopping midway. I know it's probably my own inadequacies as a human being or whatever wtf, but I can't help thinking maybe it's time for Blogspot to have an extreme makeover. You know, like if it wasn't the same dark blue header facing me every time I log in.. wasn't the same white letter 'B' atop an orange blunt-edged square.. maybe I'd be more inspired to finish typing?

It's time for something more chic and sleek, blogspot. Akin to from me blogging at home on my heavy laptop to me typing away on a light, sleek notebook at a quaint coffee shop somewhere. Though by the same analogy you'll probably end up sticking with your heavy laptop, draped in layers of body fat and self loath wtf...

Boys and girls, sit down, let me tell you about my ICQ era.

I was in Form 3, if I'm not mistaken. It was during my Dark Ages. I was in pain, in the depths of depression. I felt so alone, and needed someone to talk to. For some reason it was easier to turn to strangers online than it was to talk to people around me.

Form 3, PMR year. Gosh was I that stressed over PMR? Seriously? Fucking PMR? I've no choice but to admit that I don't deal well with stress at all wtf. And to think that when I was younger, probably primary school time, some people used to ask me, either teachers or peers, do your parents give you any pressure? Like do they always ask you to study? I would think a little and go hmm... not really. As if I'm one total self-motivating bitch like that.

In retrospect, oh how naive and stupid was I. Even though my parents weren't like all whip and cane going "you better study or I'll whoop your ass", it was probably implicit "encouragement", like if you don't get good results you're a worthless piece of shit. The problem started early, it started young.

So, one day I just had the idea to go on ICQ chat rooms for some online companionship (does that sound dirty? ahem). Get that, ICQ. How fucking long ago was that omg. I was that desperate I guess.

I guess you could say I made some online friends, particularly in the #malaysia chat room. Ahhh... I was the second youngest person there that time, I was 14 for fuck's sake. I got quite addicted, one time I went on in the middle of the night after everyone at home was sleeping, I was on till 4am wtf, probably had the forum to thank too. Oh yeah I was also a member of a forum set up by the ICQ roomies. Plus, I remember I had a crush on one of the members. Who was like 15 years older than me hahaha. Oh he was a good looking old chap, who was married wtf. Huh he's probably 36 years old now, and have a couple of kids already.

Till today I still think about them sometimes. After all they were a part of my life at that point in time. And that point in time happens to be a significant point for all the bucket load of tears I went through.

Heck, I even told them about the ancient wanker... not someone I want to talk about even now. Another wanker I've come across was even more ancient, yet surprisingly fast. The first time I was lucky that he only managed to grope my hand, but it was in a totally sleazy, fast way. I walked past him and my WHOLE hand was felt up. I think it took me a few moments to realize what happened, I managed to look back at that old bastard walking away. The second time, I'm guessing it was the same person, his hand grazed against my thigh, not so much grazed but deliberately touched I guess. And by the time I realized what happened, he was already far gone crossing the damn road. Damn that dickhead's fast for his age. I imagine his daily routine is to walk about the area (it was near a tuition centre) everyday molesting school girls. I used to feel angry, but typing this now, I think I just feel sad for him. Go figure.

But I digress. That ICQ era will always be a part of my life. And there will come a time again in the future when I'll think about them once more, wondering how they're doing and all.

I'm yearning for a really good story to read, like a really REALLY good story or stories that I can totally lose myself in.

Sigh. Do you think good story tellers are getting rare these days? I don't know maybe it's just me.

And some people say if you want something but can't get it outside, just make it yourself right?

But I have no good stories to tell T_T.

I live a very mundane, repetitive, dull life. Sometimes that's good sometimes it is just soul sucking.

Last time I found a blog with good stories in it, it was Memoirs of a Korean. But it's shut down now after he broke up with his fiance T_T. And man, did he have good stories to tell. True life experiences nonetheless. I went through most, if not all, of his archived posts. Now that is what good stories gets you. Shit loads of procrastination wtf.

Why the fuck do the good blogs either go on shit long hiatus or just get shut down? Sad case, man.

I know now that no one's supposed to / capable of feeling eternal happiness, but can't my baseline mood at least not be well, moody? Wtf.

So anyway I watched a documentary this morning and cried like fuck at the violence and injustice that went on in Bahrain, thinking of all the stupid fucks ruining their countries with dictatorship and fucking greed, oppression and propaganda and shit. I mean, how do these people live with themselves? I don't get it, I really don't. Is it really worth it? Having all these blood on your hands, for the sake of staying in power? Why can't these people die?? Surely they can't live forever? But then after they die they'd probably pass their power on to another power-crazy dickhead, related or not. Wtf.

Sigh. Why must it be this way? Why can't people just see that we are all members of the human race, there's no need to discriminate based on religion, skin colour, gender, personal preferences whatsoever. Ok maybe everyone's judgmental including me wtf but exercising judgment and practicing discrimination are not really the same thing right? Discrimination involves bigotry, feelings of superiority, irrationality, disgust and most of all, hatred. Why all the hate, people?

We are all but one tiny race living on one tiny speck of Earth in the whole universe, or even galaxy. Why is it so damn hard to get our fucking shit together? If this relatively small population of beings can't even live together in harmony, I wonder how can other beings on other planets manage to. Maybe they're in the same state of chaos and dispute? Or maybe they've evolved into something much more sophisticated and capable of resolving problems peacefully. Into something much less greedy and much more intellectually equipped.

I guess we'll never quite know, given our vast distances and whatnot.

After that, I did my laundry, and went on with my daily activities, e.g. stuffing my face.

Apathy? Resignation that I can't do anything to change the ridiculous violence that goes on everywhere in the world? Both?

I was reading a post about that passion you have in you, one so intense that it hurts. It fucking hurts.

Then I remembered something.

I looked back into my posts for one that mentioned something similar. I thought it was about me missing MCR in concert so much it hurt, but it was about the aching desire I felt to form a band after attending their concert. Haha. It was that energy, the massive energy you get from the crowd that just makes you feel alive. Imagine yourself rocking out on stage, with the sea of people jumping along, moshing around, singing (or rather, shouting) the words with you... wouldn't that just make you feel so. fucking. ALIVE?

Gosh, what I would do to go back to that night again. To be jumping till my stomach ached and screaming my lungs out till I was totally out of breath. To feel that alive again. To feel that aching desire after. To have my heart ache for something that bad.

Shit man I need to start eating better and not slip into food comas all the time wtf.

Dude, I practically slept for over 10 hours yesterday and still I slept just now. Must be the food coma. Fuck this I fail as a human being!!! I'm incapable of functioning like a normal person wtffffffff

Sigh.

Do you wanna know why true happiness is so damn elusive?

Cos it doesn't exist. No one is truly happy all the time. So when you find yourself feeling the tiniest bit of happiness, you better fucking hold on to it by savouring every fucking moment till the next thing brings you down. Be it yourself, other people, your surroundings or whatever.

Why is it this way, you ask? Cos sometimes, sometimes the world plain sucks. The universe plain sucks. And it just wants to fuck with you. You can quote me on that wtf.

Sometimes, all the beautiful quotes aren't enough.

Sometimes, even beautiful, inspiring words get it wrong.

All round failure. :(

Why am I sleepy all the time????? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Wonder how the fuck do I function on a day to day basis. I'm guessing I have the health and fitness level of a 50 year old woman wtf.

Sucks even more when you feel sleepy, but lie on the bed for an hour and still can't fall asleep. What. is. up. with. that.

So annoying!!!

In theory, we should embrace the weirdness of people, as it adds colour to the spectrum of personalities out there, right? If everyone were the same, life would just be too monotonous right? (Or maybe it'd be better for you cos everyone agrees with you, feeds their own ego and thus yours at the same time)

Then why is it that when we actually meet people slightly weirder, more out of place, we reject them?

Do we need to expand our own acceptability range, or are some people just too weird to exist wtf?

Wow it really doesn't pay to look at old photos. To see how seriously fat your face has become T_T. What are some face slimming secrets that anyone can pass on to me wtf.

Is it just me, or is anyone else feeling disoriented going back to uni? I dunno, I just sorta feel out of sync, distracted.

I'm not even sure if it's the still in holiday mode thing. It never really goes away, this feeling. I know now that it never really goes away. This distracted sense of being. I never really feel that I'm in my element. Why can't the fuck I just be a robot that functions productively, efficiently, day by day? Why the fuck must I be bogged down by my stupid moods and emotions that make no sense at all? Why am I so susceptible to these feelings and thoughts that cause me to become this pathetic stupid creature? Are all these just excuses to not do stuff?

Sigh. I guess I need to learn to stop asking what's wrong with myself cos lord knows there won't be an end to that.

Day by day, I'm just haunted by my own incompetency and non-productivity...

Nothing's quite as satisfying as taking a massive, clean dump. Clean as in you can't feel anything stuck inside whereby you just can't seem to get the residual crap out wtf. Clean as in you wipe yo ass and the toilet paper comes out still white wtf.

Today... wasn't one of those days wtf. In fact I haven't had any of those super satisfying trips to the loo for quite some time already.

Apologies for being gross.

Can the stuff I type in here be more inane or what.

Seriously, need to study but googling random shit like 'best kfc in the world' instead.

What. Is. Wrong.

Mahai can't seem to study at all, and can't seem to eat right. It's like once I start eating I can't stop. Motherlord what the hell is wrong with me??? Cannot control my eating habits at all!!! The amount of crap I put into my body these days... sigh. It's a wonder that I don't crap several times a day, sometimes none at all T_T. So much go in, they have to come out right?? If not where do they go?? Probably stuck to my colon turning into toxin and getting me all fat and bloated. SIGH.

I resolve to start eating right after exams!!!! Stupid ridiculous exams stretched out for so goddamn long...

Korean dramas can be predictable and corny, yet somehow we inexplicably develop an appetite for it. Y'know, like one day you have a real hankering for a K drama and after the first episode you find that you can't actually stop wtf. You may think, nah, not really a fan... hankering? Nope no way. But that won't matter, it won't matter if you're not a fan of anything Korean, goddamnit. If for any reason you happen to catch a Korean drama in your lifetime, after that first drama you're subconsciously hooked to all the romance and tears and emoness... and that hankering will come, trust me.

And (for me at least) a Korean drama will be judged based on how hot the actors are wtf. Cos let's be honest here, that's the reason a lot of people watch them. Apart from the cinderella stories. The superficiality is one of the main attractions. Therefore I shall also remain superficial in my judgment wtf. If let's say the main actor is like not totally tear-inducingly hot, I'll be like eh please lah cannot find a hotter actor? My apologies to only slightly attractive actors. But the thing is, some actors are not hot at first sight, and their hotness requires time to shine through. BUT the plus side is, many dramas you won't be able to stop watching at the first episode so you'll be noticing their hotness anyway and your rating of the show will start increasing wtf. Ergo, all's good anyway wtf.

Wow, that was a pointless paragraph. I don't actually know where I'm going with all these.

Anyway, I guess the predictability of Korean drama plots are already notorious enough, so I don't have to go on about the love triangles, rombuses or octagons, the damsels in distress, the rich guy/poor girl scenarios, the cancers, the slow deaths, the silent suffering, the hiding the truths in order to preserve _______ , the endless tears and so on and so forth. Whoops.

In real danger of failing my subject T_T

Post-exam paper feelings: Exhausted, Tired, Hungry, Empty and Sad wtf

There's always this inexplicable emptiness after a paper, like you haven't really achieved anything. Chuck it out, next one to go. Sigh.

3 hour papers won't actually exhaust you till you're done.

One of the most insulting thing a person once said about studying accounting is that you can just have like one spreadsheet at the beginning and you're set for the whole course cos everything's pretty much the same. WTF. What fuckery is this. Truth is there's so much stuff to cover that I'd have to mind delete everything from today's paper to make space for the next's wtf.

Am a pig with no self control at all T_T