I have a lot going on in my mind.

And I have nothing going on in my mind.

Is that even possible?

What I'm feeling right now is lying-on-the-bed-silently-weeping-wondering-why-the-tears-ain't-coming-kinda emptiness. You familiar with that feeling?

It's very different from bawling-your-eyes-out-clawing-at-your-heart-cos-it-just-hurts-SO-MUCH sensation.

The difference is for the latter, the tears come much easier.

Back then I would say what I had was moderate to severe depression. Now, I mean right at this moment, it's just mild depression...? So... that's a good thing right?

Some self-sabotaging part of me wishes that I could go back to those days. Where I had a reason to cry. Or it seemed that I had a valid, indisputable reason.

Yeap, it's one of those days.

One of those days where you just wanna lie somewhere and slowly rot and cease to exist. Cos it wouldn't make a difference anyway. Nobody would even notice.



Ahh, what the heck.

I'll be better.

I think.

No, I will.

Blogging just for the sake of it

The weather was pretty good. Until it began to rain every single day AGAIN. Why oh why can't good things last?

And I'm sneezing like I've inhaled a whole pot of pepper for god-knows-what-reason.

You know the person has no life when he/she talks bout the weather in his/her blog. LOL.

That aside, Click Five's Empty is damn nice! *big wet eyes*

Staccato

Truth is, I'm a messy cook. And I do mean messy. What may go wrong, goes wrong.

That's why I don't cook you see.

BUT upon laying my eyes on that lone piece of cheese. I knew I had to make full use of it.

So I did.

Think sausages, egg, pepper and cheese.

YUM.

And I didn't blow up the kitchen! Which is totally promising. Heh.

Maybe there's hope for me after all.

It's The Holidaysssssss

Stumbled upon these.

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but decided to go home instead."

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

WTF. When/How/Why do people come up with these stuffs. Lol.

Note: Stumbling is such a time filler!!!!!
***
My MSN excerpt:

"I have no life whatsoever.

But who cares since it's the holidayssssss!!!!!!!!!

I can be lifeless and no one needs to give a fuck about it!"

Wise words wise words...

Ahhhh... bliss...
***
I don't get these creatures called human beings. They want something, then when they have it, they want to return to the old times. Very wtf one lor.

Like, when they were small and stripped of the "power" to make decisions, act on their own will, all they wanted to do was grow up.
But when they do, when they finally do, after so much pain and aches and confusion, all they want is to jump into a swirl of time portal and go back to childhood. Days of seemingly no worries.

But what they don't know is that they'll start wishing to grow up again and the vicious cycle FREAKIN' CONTINUES.

Or when you were busting your ass off for SPM, you were dying for it to be over and done with. Dreaming about college or whatever shit that you planned to do after high school. HOWEVER, when you got into college and got sucked into this whirlpool of endless suckiness, you realised you wouldn't mind taking SPM over and over again if that's what it takes to keep from entering this new life you're in. If that's what it takes to keep from "growing up".

Why the fuck? Cos people are never content. Cos people always have these fantasies of what the future might hold, and when they reach the destination and it's not what they imagined, they're disillusioned, petrified, shaken, caught off guard. And suddenly what they yearned for so long isn't what they want anymore. Now they just wanna board the first flight back to the past.

If only it were that easy.

P/s: This actually ain't an emo post.

Fuck it. Just fuck it.

I'm gonna give myself 1 minute to blog wtf.

Exam breeds kiasu-ism and staying with hardworking people festers even MORE kiasu-ism.

Put one and one together and you'll get two, which is MAJOR FUCKED UP KIASU-ISM THAT YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED IN YOUR PATHETIC SHAMELESS SOUL.

W. T. F.

Exam Whores

People, I think it's safe to say that we have all become SLAVES.

Slaves to who???

To freaking GRADES. To freaking TEST AND EXAM RESULTS.

wtf.

By the way I'm like so damn unprepared lor can. Whole day did a little bit only wtf.

More randomness till you can't take it wtf

People, yours truly is finally done with the major stress inducer - Illegally Stressful crap. If you ask me now if I care about my topic at all, I would answer "Hell NO" without hesitation wtf. Seriously.

So, that's over and done with. Now life goes on... with. MORE. STUFF. TO. DO.

T_____T.

I really should be at least holding a pen or pencil and writing some half arsed answer on some crappy paper, but here I am blogging and not forgetting, blog hopping incessantly.

Wasn't that like the longest sentence ever wtf.

And why is there more stuff to do? Mid year papers coming up.

Let me hear y'all say... CRAP!

Can I just skip the exam part and jump straight to the holiday wtf?

IF ONLY.

Apart from being occupied with SAMANTHA related stuff, my time have been spent... sleeping? Wtf. My life damn boring la I know. No need to remind me ler can.

Suddenly, I'm craving for COLOURS. Vibrant, exciting colours. Randomness again.

Someone says my blog persona and real life persona are like two different identities... LOL. Isit... Perhaps I have some sort of split personality disorder wtf...

What? I have never said I'm normal what right.

*****

15. What do you think is the most important thing in life?
Being content.

20. What is Happiness?
Happiness is being yourself and being content with that.

Yup, couldn't agree more. I share the same sentiments with her.

So I guess I should be reminded time to time to stop bitching lorrr... ehehe. But like that this blog would be dead because it's all about bitching and complaining wtf.

Besides that, someone also wonders how come I've discovered so many blogs. Well, boys and girls, let me impart some wisdom wtf. You need to be skilled ok... in wasting a lot of time blog hopping wtf. Some were discovered by chance, some recommended. So my list of blogs to read have grown gradually over time. You'll get to that stage la people, you just have to be patient and determined. LOL. Don't lah envy my status of professional blog reader...

-_-. Sweat right.

Randomness

4.03 pm.

Time doesn't stop.

I like the feeling of typing in my blog. Don't you blog owners think so too?

I swear I'm like the most unproductive person EVERRRR...

Tonnes of homework still untouched.

Ready for some stress relief after Monday people? Who the fuck cares about homework eh...

Ooo I saw someone wearing an MCR T-shirt today and I was filled with envy all I wanted to do was mengganas and rampas his shirt.

Can't wait for mid-term break yo... 2 weeks, very short, but a holiday nonetheless.

Post Yang Lagi M'sweatkan

So I wanted to blog about this a long time ago.

That perhaps people have been asking the wrong questions.

Instead of asking, "Why am I here?", maybe we should ask, "What should I do to make my presence here worthwhile?" instead.

Instead of asking, "Why did this happen to me?", we should ask......

"Why didn't this happen to someone else?????"

-____-". SWEATNESS again.

Don't mind me. I'm just rambling outta depression again.

Post Yang Teramat M'sweatkan

Sweatness. You know what I did almost right after the previous post?

I SLEPT.

WTF RIGHT. Beh tahan myself.

But anyway done pamphlet already but that's the only thing I did today. WTF DAMN FAIL RIGHT. T_T"... (Nice right, cry and swt at the same time wtf)

And it was hot and stuffy just now. So, more sweating wtf.

In conclusion, this is a sweat post. Dedicated to my readers. WTF. Not even 3 people lor.

My un-ambitions :
- Accountant
- Educator
- Doctor
- Anything to do with the financial sector
- Lawyer

And I bet, many many more wtf. I'm a stubborn person I guess. It's hard to develop my interest in things I don't give two hoots about. Which is basically... almost everything wtf.

To find out wtf I'm rambling about here, refer to -->this.

kthxbai

Phasing out

You know what I should be starting on my pamphlet but here I am blogging again. Damn fail. Seriously DAMN FAIL.

I'm kinda sleepy right now but I MUST NOT sleep. Cos I'm waiting for the sleepy phase to pass and the zombie phase to kick in wtf. Shall tahan through it? But tempting lar my bed, although it is as hard as a rock wtf... well having slept on it for so many months already I guess that I've gotten used to it. This bed with zero bounciness wth.

There aren't really any breeze tonight. Ya I know nobody gives a fuck but it matters to me cos I'm feeling kinda hot and stuffy now ok. Where's the cooling night wind bebeh???

Sigh sleepy la wtf.

End This Shit

Ladies and gentlemen here I present to you another reason EndlessStupidLubbish pisses the fuck out of me. Investigative Studies Tutorial. OH YEAH MOTHERFUCKER. I don't know why must they put us through all these crap either. To prepare us for future similar crap I guess. Fuck yeah I'm gonna bitch about it. Hell if I care. I bitch about stuff, that's what I do here duh.

So let's all disregard all the mind numbing, practically useless, supposedly consoling bullcrap like "it's gonna help you in the future" "you're gonna have to face these stuff in the future anyway" "you have to develop these skills... for your future..."

OH FUCK THAT SHIT. Notice how all of those concern bout the future? Look at me ---> -___-
DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKIN CARE BOUT THE FUTURE? I'm living in the present wtf. Let me worry bout the future when it gets here wtf. Or if I even arrive into the future wtf.

In case you didn't get my tone, let me emphasize what I'm thinking right now.

I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE THIS SHIT.

Get it now?

So yeah I'm a whiny bitch. So sue me. Fuck if I care. *sulks*

Sigh.

Cold and Hungry

Didn't realise that the last post was the 111th post. Damn nice number eh.

Well I'm in the computer lab at the library. Damn cold wei. Why does it feel like the North Pole over here. T_T. I'm hungry sumore. DAMN hungry. I wanna eat burger wtf.

Saja wanna update. Eheh.

Just Smile

It's been a long time since I churned out anything contemplative and introspective. Well I'm not even sure if I had posted anything like that before wtf. Probably there's nothing much to be introspective about. Or, you can put it that nothing much goes on in my mind heh.

Not exactly moody today, but not exactly all smiles either. Let's NOT get into the fucking MindlessYuckyOmfgmotherfuckinglypointlesswtfccbknnBusiness. I shall NOT bitch about it. LOL.

I find it harder and harder to find words to express what I'm thinking. Or, you can put it that nothing much goes on in my mind too wtf. I've written a post before about sustaining one's own happiness. It sorta went like if everyone could sustain their OWN happiness, not having to live for others or to satisfy other people, wouldn't that be great? Everyone would live happily ever after.

But humans being complex creatures, of course things won't be as simple as that. You think we're living in a children's book meh. Where everything is colourful and vibrant and nothing could go wrong. Or everything will turn out fine in the end. As people say, REALITY SUCKS. I guess we have to live with that.

For one humans are interdependent (wtf too much Econs isit) after all. They are social creatures. How they feel, how they think are influenced by what others feel and think too. It's difficult to be happy when people surrounding you are not. It's hard to be elated when people around you are having problems or are creating some. And when you are somehow caught in the middle of all the problems, bickering and unpleasantness, of course you'll feel down and disillusioned. There goes my theory of sustaining one's own happiness.

But can't it be as simple as that? You are responsible for your own happiness. Your own feelings. Nobody can feel on your behalf. If you wanna be happy, then just be so. Make yourself happy. To hell with other people's problems. To hell with all those conflicts. And hating someone may be harder on the hater than on the person hated. So why hate? Why trouble yourself?

It could be easier said than done. But just try anyway. Just smile, even if it's just for a sec or two.

Just Read

I have exactly 10 minutes to finish this post! Cos I have to be punctual and go down for dinner with my friends!

Just wanted to say, even though deep in our soul there's still emptiness, experiencing stomach cramping laugh-out-loud moments still beats living like a total zombie!

That took like 3 mins wtf.

Laughter is supposedly the best medicine. One does feel better after laughing till the stomach hurts! But what to do if it's just temporary relief? I say just enjoy the moment I guess!

It doesn't solve the core issue. The problem still exists. Perhaps laughing it off is just a means of evasion. But ah, what the heck. I guess life's too short for us to be figuring out the answer to everything.

The One Where It Could Have Been

Being one who often dwells on what-could-have-beens, I may annoy the hell outta people. But just layan me a bit lah hehe...

What-could-have-beens, similar with what-ifs and if-onlys, would most of the time spark regret and induce a major load of sighing. And today, yours truly shall be bringing you back to what could have been if there wasn't any scholarship wtf.

One major factor that keeps me alive in that place is the great friends that I have made there. Yup I'm sincerely glad that I've had the chance to befriend these people. They make my days all the more bearable and happier. ^^ (Walao first time using this emoticon, rare occasion indeed wtf) Needless to say, I <3 THEM! LOL. So if we all didn't get JPA and became classmates we wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet? Well, not neccesarily...

For one, I know that my room mate would be studying at where I would be studying too, at let's call it RAT College wtf. And the same course too! So chances are we would have met all the same. Same goes for another guy classmate Cintan LOLOL.

Plus my "WIFE"! She'd go to RAT too but for a different course... that doesn't mean we won't have any chances of interaction though! OK, the scenario in my mind is she and MY *cough cough* will have some progress since maklumlah they'll be seeing so much of each other at college being in the same course and all hahaha... sure they'll participate actively in all sorts of events together hahaha.. including eh eh ACCOUNTING NIGHT! Perhaps that would be the time when we would meet! HAHAHA! In short the world is small and if fate allowed it we would have met anyway... hehehehe right right???

Who else! I'm guessing "SO" would enrol in RAT too! Cos her bf is there ehehehe.... And many others since RAT is goddamn freakishly popular! One, it's easy to get in lol and its fees are relatively affordable I guess.

But too bad I won't be able to know V V W W! As she would be continuing her studies at another college hahaha... I 'heart' her too!

I don't know bout the others! Why suddenly I'm overdosing on exclamation marks wtf!

HAHAHA actually this post kinda pointless also I just wanted to get it out of my system hahaha... that fate works in mysterious ways or some deep crap like that lah lol. And I won't be losing out much if I didn't get the you-know-what lah. This post started off serious but ended up like this! Cos of my "wife" lah! LOL~

Shall end this before I further butcher your mind with my mindless crap! LOL~

Abruptly Ended

Seriously fucked up stressed!!!!! To ponder over the next few weeks is enough to make the most optimistic person suicidal wtf. T_T. Am scared, tensed, petrified, stressed, mentally exhausted all rolled into one.

**
The fact that human beings have the ability to think, contemplate and mull over stuff may be a blessing an curse at the same time. BECAUSE, after the routine, after the running around, people start sitting down and think. About what? The age old fucked up question of "WHY THE FUCK DO I EXIST???"

Hobbes had a pretty straightforward answer for Calvin. "Because you were born."

Yeah, we are here because we were born. It could be as simple as that. But humans being humans with "advanced" grey matter, they are not content with just that answer. They think that there MUST be a REASON for their existence! If not why did they evolve from primitive Neanderthals to the modern supreme beings they are today?

Thus individuals will begin to search for the cause they are living for. Like "I live to have fun!" "God created me to fuck!" "I am here because I'm hot!" and so on and so forth. On a more serious note, basically ya lah people will start to wonder why do they exist on this vast planet called Earth.

With no thesis statement and topic sentences, this post seems to lead to nowhere wtf.

So anywayyy, me being a human too, I do the same and ask why the fuck am I here. Or more specifically, currently I wonder why the fuck am I studying what I'm studying at where I'm studying.

Sigh. The End.

Lazy to continue. Shall go eat dinner now.

Childhood Trauma

So today when I was bathing right, somehow a reserved memory sufaced in my mind... more like traumatic memory...

This happened a long time ago, when I was still an innocent wide-eyed adorable girl...

My dad just came out of the bathroom dripping wet (wrapped in towel duh), but there was still the sound of someone showering in it...

That time I was looking for my mother, so innocently I asked my dad: "Mummy leh?"

Dad:"She's bathing..." *points to the bathroom he JUST CAME OUT FROM*

Instant thought?

Oh. My. God. I. should. have. known. better.

For those who've met my parents, please DO NOT conjure up images of them bathing together!!!

Highly disturbing. God knows why I had to recall this. -_-

ZOMG I is Fail

Heehee made further changes to my header!!! ZOMG it looks fucking cool can???

I can't believe I spent precious hours customising my blog that nobody even reads! It's already 2.40 pm wtf! Am I a failure or am I a failure! But it did give me satisfaction yo!

p/s: Hopefully my friend is not down with dengue eh! Fast fast get well and come back to college (@ hell hole) wei~

She Woke Up From a Dream

She woke up from a dream, and the day was still bright although it was night.
The dream she couldn't recall, but it didn't give her any fright.
Still dazed and groggy, she got up from bed,
and looked into the mirror to see her eyes red.
Despite that, she felt unusually fine,
like she just downed a glass of great wine.
And so she put on a sun dress and a great smile,
thinking that going out on such a day would be worthwhile.
Out on the streets everything seemed perfect,
The weather amazing and the congeniality of people was neither forced nor fake.
There was no pollution, there were no worries,
Only her thinking about making potpourris.
She tripped and she hopped,
blithely, she tripped and she hopped.
Reaching the end of the street, she stopped.
Pondering on where to go, she couldn't decide on a stop.
Even on a perfect day like this,
where nothing was amiss,
she realised... that she had nowhere to go.
Suddenly she felt empty, and cold.

She woke up from a dream,
Dazed and groggy, she wanted to scream.