Am a pig with no self control at all T_T

It's unfair for teens to be forced into choosing their career paths so early when they really have no idea what the fuck is it that they want. What's the alternative? Oh I don't know. The world sucks, the world's fucked up etc.

I guess some days the pointlessness of living hits hard... and today is one of those days?

Man how I hate the cold. It's annoying. It's always there. No matter how much clothes you pile on, there's always somewhere cold air can get in to annoy you. Thing is, it's not freezing cold, it's just cold enough to annoy the fuck outta me. My feet are constantly cold, so are my fingers... everything's just so uncomfortable. Fuck this shit man. And I feel as if I'm on the verge of having a headache or something? Gawd so uncomfortable. Everything's just so UNCOMFORTABLE. Having to wear a sweater all the fucking time. Sweater gets dirty from being worn all the time wtf. Pants and socks, sometimes gloves. Don't feel like moving, just feel like staring out into space.

Why the fuck do people subject themselves to these conditions. I'd prefer living in a tropical country over any seasonal country anytime wtf. London, maybe few weeks tops, then I'd get the heck outta there. New York, greatest city in the world, but if the weather starts sucking, I'd get the fuck outta there too to hide out and bask in the sun somewhere else. But of course people born in seasonal countries are used to these conditions I guess. Still, it sucks.

And the rain, oh the rain. When it rains over here, it can be the deepest parts of hell. The wind, the cold, the erratic patterns, one minute it can be just drizzling, the next it fucking pours like outta nowhere, and the next the sun comes out oooh rainbow... the fucking next it's all dark and gloomy again and the pavement's flooding wtf.

Fuck this shit man. It's not even officially winter yet.

***
Life is absurd. Deal with it. How does one deal with the absurdity of life?

Why can't people who don't wanna live just click a switch and drop dead wtf.

What is the point?

***
Things would be so much easier if I were really just a robot.

Today was just one of those days... where you ask what the hell are you doing with your life...

I wanna spend my time and energy with art and literature, not numbers and reading up on taxes and the economy :(

Shit that I don't give two fucks about, I really don't give any fuck about. I'm not saying that finance and accounting and stuff aren't important, they are, but just... let other people deal with it. It's just not for me.

What do you tell yourself when you know you went down the wrong path but you can't do anything about it.

Move the fuck along. Just, move the fuck along.

SONOFABITCHIHATETHISFUCKINGASSIGNMENT
MAHAIJUSTLETITENDPLEASEMUTHAFUCKERRRR

Oh my Gawd I'm so fucking sick of this assignment! Not even sure if what I'm doing is correct. Gawd. What fuckery is this.

Half-assing my way through it all.

Perhaps my only balance is in realizing that I can't find a balance after all.

I've spent these couple of days getting fat and flatulent on bread, jam and chocolate. And also having my period. I sorta take my period as a cue to just let myself go wtf, like I'm gonna scoff on all the comfort food I can get cos hey, I'm having my fucking period, I'm depressed, I feel like a piece of shit yadda yadda. So out the window goes my budget, my dignity, my dosage of any physical activity and so on.

You know how they say... life has endless possibilities? Well let's see, is it possible for me to teleport? Is it possible that I just quit all these crap right now, fly off to do something else AND wouldn't have to face the wrath of my family? Is it possible for me not to do any of my god forsaken assignments? Is it possible for me to snap out of depression once and for all? Is it possible for me to have naturally bigger boobs wtf? Is it possible for me to eat all the fucking cake I want, till I get fucking sick, AND not get fat without exercise wtf?

Endless possibilities my fucking ass.

So so so restless nowadays. Mind scattered everywhere. All the decisions. It's like I'm not even here. Bits and pieces of me are drifting... What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this even real or all these are just bullshit spawned from a mind looking for distractions?

FUCK THIS SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

So sick of my own thoughts. Give me Charlie Sheen's brain anytime wtf.

It's only been a month, and already several times I've found myself thinking, I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Safe to say that sentence have appeared so many times here. After so goddamn long, I still haven't gotten any stronger and that sucks. That sucks big time. Worst of all, I don't know who to turn to because I hate people in general. And how to tell? What's there to tell? It's all so... abstract. When you wanna find the words, they can't come out because they don't exist wtf. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you why can't you just suck it up grit your teeth and move the fuck on. Plus there's the whole not wanting to dump your burdens on other people thing, cos everyone has their own issues to deal with and nobody needs more crap.

My eyes are tired. I look fugly when I cry. I wonder when can I finally tell my mum, I'm unhappy, and have been so for a very long time. And I can't remember when it all started, or how or why. Or maybe it'll come out in a long overdue scream fest with me yelling, "This! This is what I've become! So next time you want me to be grateful for being born think about THIS!!" and pointing to myself with veins popping out, face reddening and tears gushing out. Pretty sight huh.

But what can I do other that to wait it out, to let it pass. I told my friend the same thing. And it sucks that there's nothing more you can do about it.

The URL should be changed to selfhatred instead wtf.

***
Another thing I don't remember. How I ended up choosing this course. I remember being so fed up of exams after SPM, I couldn't bear the thought of doing STPM. I remember being sick of science that I didn't wanna touch anything science-related anymore. Funny thing is I miss it, even if it's just a little bit. But why accounting? Probably cos other than engineering and medicine, law or accounting were the only viable options. Some stereotypes are so fucking true. I I thought I could do this, power through something I don't like, but it's getting tougher and tougher to get to the end.

Need: a new life. New identity. To get the fuck out of here.

Man I need a drink. Alcoholic friends, wish you guys were here with me right now wtf.

What do you do when the reason you've been feeling "fine" is because everything was shoved down to be forgotten, and all that was needed to open the floodgates was a text message?

Is it wrong to just push things aside, push those goddamn feelings aside, to enable yourself to get through the days? GODDAMN FEELINGS. I HATE THE GODDAMN FEELINGS.

You see the people moving past, rushing about... and you're here, remaining stagnant.

I was fine, theoretically. But why do the littlest things manage to chip away at this facade to make me crumble again?

Somehow, I wanna pour my heart and soul into this but I'm not interested in you so why should you be interested in me.

I find myself growing more and more apathetic by the day, more and more self-absorbed. We shouldn't look into the past, but I can see that things were not peachy from a long time ago. Even so, I feel that there's a glimmer of hope for me. I think this is the advantage of youth and slowly even this will slip away if I don't do anything about it. Being young provides idealism, naivete, hope and strength. You've lost all your zest, but I'd like to think that I still have some left, even just a little to keep me going.

Why is it that when other people write stuff like this,

"Just Listen for a moment, OK? Listen, this is the important bit. If you’d felt… I felt. I was looking down on this planet. <…> And I see the suffering. And the wars. And the grab, grab, grab. And I think: Fuck Money. Fuck it. This selling. This buying. This system. Fuck the bitching world and let’s be… beautiful. Beautiful. And happy. You see?”

it's awesome, but if I were to write something like that I'd sound douchey and pretentious? Is it me?

Want: to have James Franco-like metabolism and productivity; do EVERYTHING.

How're you doing?

Goddammit what IS it about this god forsaken place that makes me eat so goddamn much???

I've GOT to get my fucking act together dammit.

Here we go again, days blending into each other, waking up to the futility of existence and so on.

Existentialism galore.

Dude, I've been back for only a week and it already feels like forever fml.

The more I do this the more I'm convinced I don't wanna do this for another year.

Another full circle has come and gone, the time to depart is nearing again. And so sleepless nights ensue... well not that I was sleeping well before this. It's the same problem that never goes away, the restless mind that lunges into overdrive as soon as the eyes are shut. I think I'm not physically exhausted enough, I have to be totally knackered at the end of the day to fall into deep, undisturbed slumber. So the problem is... I'm just spiritually exhausted?

True, I have no measurable wisdom to impart. But if I could, I would want to impart a wee bit to my little niece.

I would tell her to be happy, and not get frustrated or cry over the smallest things. Relish in your childhood, cos god knows growing up will indeed suck balls and you'll have less chance to laugh with wild abandon. If I could, I would shake some sense into her, going "Why are you crying over this?? Stop wasting your time and energy with your manipulative tears!! LIVE your goddamn life before it begins to go downhill!!"

I don't know, I guess it pains me a little to see such a young thing getting frustrated and crying so easily when in truth she doesn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. Yet. When in the future she's gonna have so much (uncountable wtf) more opportunities and reasons to sob, bawl and choke over tears.

But of course, at the end of the day she's just a toddler. Of course she won't listen to reason or understand shit if anyone tries to talk sense into her like an adult. I think everyone just has to get that into their head, that way everyone will feel better. Her grandfather launches into his typical philosophical speeches trying to teach her as if that's gonna work.

I look at her and wonder what she'll be like when she grows up. Don't we all wonder? However she turns out, I just want her to be happy and not end up disillusioned, jaded or resentful. I wish her the best.

Maybe I do have pleasant dreams, far into the night when I'm sound asleep, maybe I just don't remember them. Cos the dreams I have before waking up, are all weird, oftentimes disturbing, and none pleasant.

And now that I've woken up, I'm even more exhausted than before I fell asleep.

***
Good God I just had period shit, hard piles of shit that burst my piles wtf. But where's the period blood? All the symptoms seem to be present, fatigue, carb craving, hard deuce, bloating, although... huh there's no boob tenderness. I hate it when my body does this. Giving me all the buildup but missing the main plot. Jeez.

I really don't know how to write anymore. Too many times have I started typing only to end up logging off and adding another post to my drafts. Cos dude, there's nothing to write about. And living life uninspired has been a fact.

Today was one of those days when you try to wake up early telling yourself that you should do this and that. Only to realise that you didn't get enough sleep even though you slept relatively early last night. Still, you thought you should just stick through the sleepiness and save it for night time but failed to do so. Instead, you took a groggy nap in the afternoon and had weird dreams then woke up groggier than ever with puffy eyes. Yeah it was like that. You get me?

Sigh. See what I mean when I say I don't know how to write anymore.

Dude. I need me some mojo.

And my fucking day back. To rewind the moment when the realisation struck, "Wow I'm really not gonna accomplish anything today am I" Wtf.

Is it weird that you feel like crying, even if it's for no reason at all, thinking that it'd be cathartic?

Especially while listening to sad songs from a Korean drama. Isn't it exhausting to act in a Korean drama? There's always so much tears and frustration going on.

Sometimes when I'm having these douchey thoughts, I really wanna stop sounding so douchey in my head but I realise that I can't help it cos that's really all that I have to offer at the moment.

I don't know how to be more for you cos this is all I can offer you right now. This is all you're gonna get from me at the moment.

When I'm having these douchey thoughts, I really hate myself. I don't know how to stop them, or am I just gonna stay so damn douchey forever?

By golly this not being able to sleep immediately thing is so fucking annoying. That span between lying my head on the pillow and actually falling asleep makes me think I should be doing something, like drinking beer and eating peanuts with one leg put up on the chair, or curl someplace and cry, or go watch TV or something. So. fucking. annoying.

I should just go get some sleeping pills wtf.

I hate this shit. A little over an hour ago I was so fucking sleepy but once I actually lie on the bed I can't fall asleep. What the fuck man? Why does my mind do this to me? Go into overdrive when I need to fucking sleep. God.

I'm so fucking bored it's actually kinda hard to believe how bored I am right now.

This level of boredom should be made illegal, you know?

It's been crazy windy since yesterday. Before that, there was a day with perfect weather. Perfect, I say. It was warm and sunny, even the wind didn't chill you to the bones. Perfect for a little picnic. I should have known that one day of perfect weather meant a few later of gloomy / crazy ones. -_-

If the world is coming to an end, what with the quake in NZ and flood in Victoria all, just end faster lah without all the crazies can?

Jay!

OMG Jay was that really you?? How the fuck did you get here anyway??

So in case it was really you, and you come back, I just wanna leave you a shout out.

You're fucking awesome! I wish you all the best in everything you do, and I really loved all your artwork (not to mention your sexcapades)! Haha your comment made my day :)

I try not to complain too much over here. As much as I might sound whiny and overall pansy over here, I really try not to fill this space with complaints about the same thing over and over again. Cos I don't like hearing people complain. It gets annoying. So I don't wanna inflict myself on others too.

But sometimes, I just wanna say, I'm tired.

I have no idea why a supposedly young person like me would say that they're tired. It's not like I asked to be this way... did I?

I'm tired of this semester. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of myself.

I have no energy even though I don't do much. I just wanna take a deep sleep and not wake up, or wake up a gazillion years later. Maybe that's how long I need to recover from whatever it is that's tiring me out. Maybe that's how long it'll take for me to realize that the only thing tiring me out is in fact, myself.

To you: Am I not entitled to proclaim tiredness even though I'm only in my second year? If that makes me weak in your eyes, then yes I admit I'm fucking weak. You happy now?


There are many of us out there who, despite of all the flaws of the Government, all its screw ups, all the bad apples, still love our country.

If you ask me why, I can ramble on about the food and so on. But really, must there be a reason?

It's home. Isn't that enough?

Maybe what makes us, us is not the fact that we live in "racial harmony", not the fact that we have great food, not the fact that we have the unsexiest yet friendly accent, but that we have this unspoken, inexplicable love for our country although shit can get fucked up.

There are so many talented people with heart out there, I just wish there's a fucking gigantic sieve to sieve out all the bullcrap and leave on our grounds what's pure, sincere, brave, brilliant and hopeful.

Wishful thinking?

Fuck yes I'm still young. I still have not slept. I've essentially pulled an all-nighter!

Wtf I'm saying it as if that's really a good thing.

But still,

I procrastinated, a lot. Got distracted, a lot. Asked myself "What the fuck are you doingggg???", a lot. And finally paid the price by having to pull an all-nighter.

Those are the signs that you're still young, no?

It's been way long since the last time I've stayed up past 3am.

I sleep surprisingly early here (well, surprising to my mum that is), mainly because it is so fucking boring here. I don't know why, but it became so easy to slip into my nocturnal routine when I was back at home. Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the insomnia, maybe it was the amount of stuff to keep me occupied till the wee hours of morning.

But don't I have things to keep me occupied here too? Well, I have the Internet of course. But I already face it most of the day so more Internet till the wee hours is just not appealing.

So I sleep.

I don't wanna talk about the assignment that's keeping me up. Just because.

I just wanna be transported back to that night when my whole neighbourhood had a power failure, and there was nothing left but the silver moonlight. I went to sit on the balcony outside my room, just basking in the beauty of it all, and awed at the simple things that we take for granted. Breeze, calm, purity, basics. I never noticed the serenity that could come from a power failure, having the word failure in it yet having me believe in something quite the opposite.

I wish I had more nights like those.

For the life of me I don't know why my right hand is slightly swollen.

Has it finally happened?

Am I playing too much Freecell that my body has protested?

Is this my body's way of telling to fucking finish my assignment already and get off my ass to do something else other than face the goddamn laptop?

Oh swollen right hand, what is it... just tell me...

It's no wonder that the mind wanders especially when it's supposed to be doing something else. This moment, I'm mourning for the loss of a beloved story book.

It was the Little Mermaid. You see, my house has all these story books that I've read as a child. Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Rumpelstiltskin etc. And I still flip over them sometimes after all these years, cos the illustrations are fucking gorgeous. When I say fucking gorgeous, I mean FUCKING GORGEOUS.

Sigh. And I think I did the mistake of lending some of them to my friend last time. Well, she's my best friend and all but truth is she can be kinda careless/forgetful sometimes. I think the Little Mermaid was one of them, but neither she nor I can remember. But I've searched the possible places for the book to be, and I couldn't find it, so it's highly possible that I did lend it to her.

Needless to say, by the time I remembered that I lent her those books, she had already forgotten about them. So I asked her to search for them, and I got Cinderella back. Wait did I get Princess and the Pea back? Ah fuck it my memory's as lousy as hers wtf.

At the end of the day, my Little Mermaid is still nowhere to be found. :(

And the thing is, she didn't get how attached I am to these books. Fuck, I grew up reading these books. And I'm especially attached to Little Mermaid cos it's one of the books with the MOST awesomEST illustrations EVER. And cos the story is so saddd. T__________T My heart aches for my beloved childhood book.

When I asked her to look for it again cos it's sentimental and all she thought I was joking I guess, cos she dismissed me jokingly :((((. How sad. I can be such a pushover. That dismissal pretty much meant she's not gonna search for it. :((((

I reminded her quite a few times before that to find those books, and mind you when Cinderella was found, I was actually the one to find it in her house sigh. Which just goes to show how much effort she actually put in her search.

I'm not resenting her or anything. It's just, gosh she can be so scatterbrained sometimes. And how can I mention the books to her again, after so long, without sounding like a douche? Does this mean that I'll never see my Little Mermaid ever again?




Is it a bad thing to be attached to stuff? Cos things get lost. And I don't think I'll ever get to see the book again. :(

I just made myself sadder :((((((((

I don't get what's with these House of Lords people or whatever and their inability to communicate in simple, understandable English. Why must they talk in pretentious douchbaggery language? Wtf use simple English la can or not!!!

I need me some Starbucks, dim lighting, soothing music and some paper and pencil.

If I ever get a sleeve, and that's a really huge IF, Imma get mine done by Hannah Aitchison. No fucking doubt about it. I'll fly to the freakin US of A just for her.

I used to not really fancy sleeves cos I just didn't see the appeal of it. It was a bit too much, I thought. But I think it was after seeing the mermaid sleeve Hannah did that my perception changed.

It was totally amazing. A-MAZING. Right there and then, my mind was blown. I watched that last year and till now I still remember it for its sheer awesomeness. Like, holy shit those light effects on the dolphins?? What the fuck man what the fuck??

The S Word

I don't know why I find it exceptionally hard to communicate with my parents. They just make me feel stressed out, man.

And I think it's even worse when it's through SMS or online, cos I have to be extra careful with how I construct my sentences and all so that my tone won't be misconstrued as being rude or disrespectful, or annoyed. So I choose to make it as short as possible, to avoid any misunderstandings. But then again being so concise may be interpreted as another form of rudeness as well, as in 'I don't want to talk to you'. Which is actually partly true, cos I feel stressed out like that when I talk to them. Another reason would be I don't have anything to say to them.

Sigh.

So damn stressful. It's like something constricting my heart. Just this gnawing, sinking feeling.

I think I've been too obedient for too long that even speaking my mind is really hard to do now.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

******
Been kinda restless lately and I haven't had my period. Fuck this shit.

Sometimes, I really wanna provide words of wisdom and comfort, but find that I'm tongue-tied.

So I think I'd just let others do the talking.

And let you know that you're always loved :)

Snippet

So I was bored as usual, having my books in front of me as usual, and laptop too. Obviously laptop trumped books.

Anyway. Something to do when you have no idea what to surf for anymore. Just Google names of your family or friends. I have a lame, sad life I know. You don't have to remind me.

Long story short, I just found out that my dad has a Twitter account. Well, actually there's nothing really surprising about that cos I've known for some time that he has a blogspot and all. He's like an ancient mofo lurking on the precipice of Internet savvy-ness. But I digress.

He doesn't really blog, he just posts articles and whatnot's from other sites. About this interest of him. Nay, passion. Almost life-long freaking passion. (for the record, it's not anything dirty ok)

The thing is, he's been shoving this passion of his down the whole family's faces for as long as I can remember. And ageing and all only makes him more relentless in the shoving, what with old people gaining superpowers in nagging to compensate for their well, ageing and stuff. Not unlike when one of your senses bails on you and your other senses are enhanced. But I digress again.

And it's nothing bad. As a matter of fact if you're badass good at it you could be making shit loads of money.

It's just that... ok let's put it this way.

I fucking like cake. I mean, I can go batshit crazy over cake. Preferably dark chocolate and oozes dark chocolate from its belly right down to my belly.

But even with my undying love for cake, if you keep shoving it down my throat day by day, week by week, year by year, of course I'll be disgusted of it. I wouldn't even bear the sight of a piece of cake, no matter how delicious it looked, how much good it would do to me.

And that has been the case for this passion of his with me. Over the years, I have just gotten so sick of it that I wouldn't wanna get anywhere near it.

A similar thing happened to my brother I guess. My dad, has countless of times mentioned that he wanted to pursue beach surfing* when he was young but didn't have the opportunity, resources to do so. And when I say countless of times, oh fuck I mean wayyy above the normal threshold of old nagging people.

And my brother was interested in beach surfing too, he told me last time. So why didn't he do that, I asked.

"Well you know..." he looks at Dad, and proceeds to launch into the oh-so-familiar repetitive drone that we use when we imitate our parents. "beachsurfingbeachsurfingbeachsurfingbeachsurfing"

So yeah basically you can drone the interest outta people, or the disgust into them.

I guess the moral of the story here is, don't excessively impose your own interests and hopes onto people.

Especially when you're a parent.

And you have nagging superpowers that expedites with age.


*profession has been changed to protect the identities of parties involved. The real profession is of course not as cool as beach surfing.

Man, this corporate financial reporting subject is so damn douchey.

Dahlah the lecturer douchey enough, tutorial solutions don't wanna post somemore.

DAHLAH discussion questions don't post solutions that I understand la kan, the fucking financial statements also don't wanna post. How much douchier can you get???

Macibai.

Rendered

I think it's sad that I don't have anything smart, or substantial, to say here.

It's sad that I am in a university, a place of knowledge and ambition, but still I feel my brain decay and wither and shut down.

Isn't that the life of a university student, he said when I was presenting the litany of stuff to do to him... and I asked how does he remind himself why he's doing his course.

What I got was resignation. Is that what most of us must go through to get by? Through eventual resignation?

It's utterly pathetic that I'm supposedly in a place of knowledge, yet I don't feel like I'm actually learning anything.

I have nothing poetic to say here.

Have we all succumbed to learned helplessness that we just don't bother anymore.

Pork

Man I miss minced pork. Salty, spicy goodness. I miss those that my bro put in his Ma Po Tofu.

Mmm... been craving for some good minced pork for awhile now. I guess I can try cooking it myself but goddamnit for me convenience trumps savoury goodness almost everytime sigh. And if I cook it myself there's no guarantee of it being savoury at all sigh.

Home

I tell myself, only 4 more months to go... nay, technically it's 3 months plus. Just 3 months plus, c'mon that'll pass by in a jiffy, right?

It will it will it will it will...

Home. Yeah the notion of being home sounds kinda good right now. No need to think about what to have for dinner, no textbooks, no homework.

That's how stuff goes. Home sounds comforting but the last time I was there, it wasn't exactly a picnic.

So here I'll be counting down the days till Home, and when I finally get home things won't exactly be peachy either.

But right now, just right now. Home sounds fine.

When Boredom Strikes: An Endless Strike

Wow who knew that the next time would come so fast?

The main reason being that, I'm so. fucking. BORED.

Bored out of my skull, my skin. Oh God it's like I've reached a whole new level of boredom which is strange, cos nothing much has changed since the last level of boredom. Where oh where then did this excruciatingly mind-numbing, soul-sucking boredom come from???

Right now, I am the very picture of demotivated. All of the subjects I'm taking this sem are so fucking dry. I don't know what would be a wet subject but er... you get my drift. I can't even bear to go through a few sentences of any of the freaking textbooks before wandering off doing something else... which is usually nothing. Another preferred activity would be clawing my eyes out.

As you might realize by now, this site ain't gonna offer anything more than the ramblings of an ex-teenager. That's right. It's ex-teenager now. What age is 20 anyway? Not yet adult, not really teen age (unless you insist on it wtf). Limbo age. Limbage wtf.

Whatever age it is, it just serves to remind you that there are younger people out there who've already achieved so much more than you have, probably more than you ever will. Depressing, isn't it? Bah, facts of life dude.

Violentacres wrote that she thinks she's out of stories. Which is a pity, really. I remember how I got to her site. I was searching for a female Maddox haha. I wanted to know if there was a female equivalent of Maddox whose site could rival his in awesomeness. Violentacres wasn't exactly Maddox-like, but it got me hooked. Her stories, particularly those about her mother... will leave one speechless. Sigh.

Is it pathetic that I talk about these sites that I go to? Yea I think it is... I think it is. *nods slowly*

And I've mentioned this before a long time ago I think, but I miss isorule. I wish Jay didn't privatise his blog. Such a fucking entertaining blog it was. By a gay Malaysian who lives in London (if things haven't changed) nonetheless!

Ah I have no idea where this post is going. I don't have any stories to tell. Oh maybe just one.
That day I went grocery shopping, and ended up in one of the most mortifying situations one could ever end up in at the cashier.

Can you guess what it was?

Yes! You guessed it right! (Unless you guessed wrong wtf)

I didn't have enough cash to pay.

True story. I have no idea how I ended up getting over $120 worth of fucking groceries. Luckily for me, the cashier was pretty nice about it. Either she had come across doofus customers like me before, or she herself had been in the situation and completely understood. I'm just glad that she wasn't bitchy or snarky to me. Thank goodness!

I don't know if I should elaborate wtf cos it's pretty lame. I ended up having to give up two items. Well at least it wasn't half of the stuff I took right. I was like a few dollars short, including the coins I had in my purse. Yes. I stood there taking out coins and she was counting how much they added up to. Again, she was pretty nice about it. Again, thank goodness!

What was the point of telling you that? Beats me. As if I don't seem lame enough as it is. As if I don't humiliate myself enough over here. Sigh.

I'm still bored.

Can someone tell me why I'm still sleepy in class even though I had like 8 to 9 hours of sleep? I can't even wake up at 9 am these days, let alone 8. I hate morning classes.

Have I told you, that I fucking hate winter? Yeah, winter fucking sucks. People over at Malaysia would probably say oh c'mon you know how fucking hot it is here or not ma hai. Ya I know lah ma hai. I hate crawling into a fucking cold bed every night, waking up to a fucking cold morning and enduring the fucking cold outside. The fucking weight gain. Urgh. Electricity bill skyrocketing cos of heater usage. Urgh.

Sure, experiencing winter when you're from a tropical country could be alright for a few days when you're on vacation, but enduring it for fucking months just sucks balls ok. It sucks balls. Man, I don't ever wanna live in a country with four seasons wtf. I prefer just visiting places with four seasons, thank you very much. And this is just Sydney, imagine what'd happen if I were in let's say Canada wtf. I'd probably kill myself.

Man I fucking hate winter.

(Whoa I ended up sounding so whiny in this post wtf)

Why hello

Holy schmoly it's been half a year! I don't know why I don't just delete this whole thing. Perhaps I knew that one day I'd be back and come on it's kinda hard to just delete everything. Even if I really do stop altogether someday, I think I'll still leave this up. Just for the sake of it. To be an eyesore wtf.

So what brought on this sudden comeback? Ah... I don't know. Someone whose blog I read came back after 6 months too. She's been blogging on and off for 5 years, she said. Well it's been 4 years of on and off for me. Probably more, cos I deleted the previous one. I can't remember when the first one started.

People, I have no idea why all of a sudden I happen to have 3 followers. Hmm one I'm pretty sure is a spam bot or whatever, but I'm still not blocking it yet cos hey I like having more than 1 follower. Haha. Another I'm not too sure about... Moongirl. In her profile it says that she's an artist and writer living in Australia. In what unfortunate circumstances did she chance upon this thing (I don't even wanna call it a blog anymore), in what delirious state she was in to click herself into being a follower, I have no freaking idea. It's probably a mistake. *Shrug*

The other, ah hah. I've been reading you since I don't know when. If my memory serves me right, I've wished you happy birthday twice. Meaning I stumbled into your blog 2 or more years ago? Holy camoly how did time pass so fast? And the third time is coming in 2 days time. Man, just... man. I remember once when I was crying my eyeballs out in my room. You gave me a link on youtube to watch Gangster 15. Haha I never did finish watching it you know. But you said that the guy didn't kill himself in the end, so that's all I needed to know I guess.

I have not ranted in such a long time in this space goodness gracious! The need to rant suddenly struck me last night and I messaged my good friend a rambling, ranty message in the midst of trying to sleep. Who do you go to when you need to rant? That moment, I missed being able to message him anything anytime, especially in nights when I couldn't sleep. It could just be lyrics to a song, nonsensical stuff, anything. It was like I had unlimited credit. No I don't think we could ever go back to those times anymore. It would be kinda like opening old wounds? But nah, not as painful as that. It's just that we've moved past that I guess.

A kick in the butt. A fucking kick in the butt. Most of the time, that's what I need I guess. I should really use my own advice. My dear friend and I, we're an ocean apart but we're basically dealing with the same core issues. We're stuck. Stuck. Self-inflicted or not. I type out these pep-talky messages, trying to comfort and provide support, but at the same time I feel like such a phony cos I don't even use my own advice. Such a big fat phony. Hmm this the first time I'm admitting here that I'm a phony, and you know what comes to mind? That dude in movies with man boobs wearing that brown corporate suit and red striped tie and carrying that briefcase. That dude that screams phony. Or maybe he just screams fat. I think I may have been watching too many shows lately.

Oh talking about shows. There's this latest guilty pleasure of mine. It's Hung. It's like watching porn with character development and a plot. When the first boob scene made it's appearance, I wondered wow do they really show this on TV? And when more revealing, steamy scenes came on, I was like wtf they really show this on freaking TV? Incredulity ensued. Cos where I come from, those scenes would be cut right off. And all that's left would be an OK show. A pimp that can be annoying sometimes and a man whore that needs to get his house fixed. Yes the sex scenes make it so much better. Oh I feel dirty just typing about it wtf. Oh and when the first vagina made its appearance, I was even more like Oh you gotta be kidding me!! This is what that's shown on TV these days?! Or maybe Ive just been watching the wrong TV shows? Ah.

Enough about that ahem. I know you're interested, so just go download the show already aight. Moving on, I wanna mention the super manly Old Spice guy! Quite an ingenious ad campaign! Just youtube old spice and you can watch him respond to questions in the funniest, most random way. "Monocle smile!" Simply, hilarious. That deep, soothing voice of his and the way he says Hello. Love it!

I think that's it for now people. Till next time? I don't know when the next time will be. And my Internet connection is beyond fucked up now I'm just waiting for it to connect so I can click Publish Post goddamnit. Since it's still disconnected, perhaps I can just mention that I watched the Notebook just now and wtf I cried like a baby in the end. Does love like that even exist I ask you? When old Noah lost old Allie and she was screaming for people to come... heart wrenching. Sniff.

I came across some pics of me, I was turning 16. Judging from the photos, back then my skin was still smooth. Like real smooth, and rosy, no Photo shop needed. Fuck, I had really nice skin.

Now, T zone's fucked up. Blackheads. Dry. Oily. All at the same fucking time. Veins. Roughness. Bumps. Where did all the smoothness go?

A mere 3 years did that to my skin. I shudder to think what it did inside.

I feel so fucking old and jaded.

***
I wonder why is it so hard for me to fall sick.

I mean, oh sure mental illness I have, but why can't I fall physically ill?

I'm talking bout fever, barfing, sweating, pain, physically feeling like you've been run over by a fucking truck.

WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME FALL SICK!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had a fever, for God's sake.

I want a valid reason to actually lie in bed and go "Oh I'm dying I'm dying..."

A valid reason to stay in bed as long as I want, to shuffle my feet, to slouch, to not talk, to look like shit, to groan and sigh and grumble.

Selfish bitch.
***

Yesterday I think my mum was checking out my phone. Checking my messages. I walked in on her, and I didn't feel a thing. Nothing.

I think she suspects that I may be having boy problems wtf. And that's why I've been so moody lately.

Fuck man, I have been like this for so fucking long, for how many years, you notice this now?

Boy problems. Pffft. Please.

One thing about having depression is when you're having one of your episodes (possibly triggered by some incident or for no reason at all), you don't know who to turn to.

Cos frankly, everyone has their own shit to deal with and no one wants to be around a depressed person. You yourself don't want to bring them down with your shitty mood.

So, you're stuck with you and just you. You and all your degenerate thoughts, festering and consuming. And you just. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

Is it really worth it? It never really goes away. Every time it just slids away to a corner, waiting to strike again. You KNOW it'll come back.

Is life really worth the vicious cycles, the waking up to someone you hate, the mental fatigue, the tears, the swollen eyes, the crouching in corners, the languish, the suffocation, the loneliness, the feeling of being lost, the unwillingness to wake up to another day, the inability to live with yourself.

Is it worth it? You ask, time and again.

Till one day you just can't take it anymore.

***
Sometimes it feels as though your family members could have the harshest judgments of them all. It feels as though you're under their judgmental eyes all the time, maybe it's all in your head; maybe it's not.

***
Are crazy people always happy? For fuck's sake, I don't know why I'm not crazy yet.

Selfish people should never, ever start a family.

If you think you should start a family as an insurance for when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you think that you want children so that they can accompany you when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you're gonna live vicariously through your children and impose your own dreams on them, that's SELFISH.

These days all of us are selfish. People should just stop procreating and cease to exist.

Having children is not a decision to be regretted. Cos you can't undo what you've brought to this world.

PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STOP PROCREATING!!!

Don't you love that moment in shows (Korean, more likely) where in the midst of the girl rambling on how she doesn't have any good qualities, the guy tells the girl that no you're wrong, you're worth something. You're not nothing. You're eligible.

I wanna be that girl.

OMG my sense of direction is fucking fail.

It's below the level that's necessary to survive wtf.

So either I get a GPS system or... die.

Do you ever find yourself wondering...

what constitutes a friend?

Fuck pubes! What the hell do they do anyway?

I should totally shave my pubes off.

Sorry if I disgust you.

What is with me?

Why do I keep hoping for a heavily tattooed guy to whisk me away in his car to a mountaintop, where there will only be silence, the stars and us.

Oh heavily tattooed guy, will you ever appear? Or are you just gonna remain as a figment of my imagination forever?

心跳的感觉... 真的存在吗？

Chronicles of Narnia... Not

What is this? Chronicles of me learning how to drive?

Indeed... this is what this site has become wtf. So I can recap on all the mistakes I did and learn. If anybody's still reading this shit, you'll have to SUFFERRRR.

So, 4th time. New stuff: going into a roundabout.

Recap!

• Change gear often. "Cannot be lazy!!!!" (Ok maybe he didn't say it with so many exclamation marks but c'mon, for a beginner behind the wheel, EVERYTHING is amplified. Whether you learn from your mistakes, that's another thing wtf)
• Hill. I think I'm getting a little better at this. Still, what I drove on ain't as steep as the test's one so have to work on it some more. Then remember, "Sustain!! SUSTAIN!!!" (Ok this one not really amplified, basically he's imploring for me to sustain the gear then press the gas)
• Stop the time, even when on level ground, safer to use hand brake. Cos I'm still a noob. Stop on a slope, use hand brake lah duh. And pull hand brake hard enough. Then do the stupid hill thingy again.
• Stop. Look around for cars. Get ready to move, react fast. Got car, wait till it just passes then can start moving already ok! Janganlah lambat-lambat, then forever got car coming and cannot move wtf.
• Roundabout! I've learned that I dunno shit about sticking to my lane lol. Huh lane? What lane? Wtf. Shall illustrate this later.
• LOOK AROUND FOR FUCKING CARS DUH. Cos I'll be trying to focus on what I gotta do and seem to forget/ ignore/ don't care that there are in fact other cars moving around and I could in fact be banging one of them if I ain't careful.

Mahai. So many points to recap.

And the nagging, oh the nagging. I mean I'm sorry he has to nag so much cos basically I'm the one causing it but sometimes just wanna tune the drone out ya know.

Illustration time!


























Sorry bout the cheesy title, am finally going through the last HP book, which is surprisingly griping.

So basically I didn't even know which lane to go to , after going into the right lane, and turning round a few times to get the feel of it. My dad was asking me to turn into one of the roads, I just turned. No signal, no driving to the left lane, no nothing. Should've checked side mirrors and all, made sure it was safe to turn, signalled to the left, react fast and went into the left lane. Stick to your fucking lane. Undang should've learned this right but hell that was long ago and in theory of course easier to remember lah, got diagram for you to see some more. "Oh which way should Kereta A go blablabla."

Then another sticking to your lane scenario. Me noob lah. Walao what I learned at Undang like flew out the window after passing the Undang test.



So here my dad asked me to turn right, then I turned into the right lane, thought he meant do what the pink-crossed line shows lah. Sigh I know right. It's like I know nothing bout traffic rules or whatever. Huh traffic rules? What's that? Wtf.














That's basically it, I guess. What I learned today. Maybe he's bringing me out again after wards.

Not so scared of it anymore, but still not liking it either. Rather avoid it as much as I can wtf.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

More often than not, I scour blogs for posts that are contemplative and make you ponder, cos other people just seem to express those same feelings better than I ever will.

I think a part of me just hopes that one day one of them will chance upon the secret of life, or something like that.

And we can all share the knowledge and stop being lost.

You're asking me why I stay in my room most of the time?

HAIYA to avoid you people la duh!!! I rather die of congested air or something than facing the stress of dealing with you people wtf.

Emm okay. So I had my third driving lesson with my dad just now.

I guess it's getting better... hey at least I'm not crying now right? So that's what you may call progress.

I have yet to master multi tasking wtf... there's a lapse of attention the moment I change gear and have to steer at the same time.

And then the slope thing. Balance point (G spot, whatever you wanna call it), release hand brake... need practice for this to be smooth smooth smooth... Mind you it was just a teensy little slope. Test the time need to drive on hill sumore wtf. Practice I guess, nothing but practice.

Stalled a few times. Erm at least I went to the 5th gear this time. Just to get the hang of changing gears. Somehow I have this problem changing to 3rd gear wtf. Noob, I am.

And my steering is a bit off haha wtf. Cannot turn sharp corners smoothly yet. A bit slow.

So, recap:
- Multi task. Eyes on road at all time! (Wtf I don't even look at the mirrors. Okay must develop habit of looking) Feel the gears baby... Feeeeeeeeel it!
- Get the hang of steering. Hands on correct position... if not kena marah lol.
- Get the hang of slope thing.
- Get the hang of changing gears (ESPECIALLY 3rd gear). Know when to change. And to what. (When you slow down do you go to neutral and brake? Or you downshift. Instinct is to downshift but a little search on the Internet says it's better to go neutral and brake cos downshifting wears out the clutch. And clutch is more expensive to replace than brake. Tell me, people who drive.)
- No panicking of course. Panicking doesn't do anybody good. But me noob, still get nervous one.

Okay this is only my third time. I shall get better at this. Practice makes perfect right! And if all else fails, there's always the option of bribing wtfff... but parents won't do that :(. Okay what the fuck am I talking about I haven't even had my official driving lessons and I'm thinking bout the test already. =.=

And now my back aches a little wtf. Damn driving is tiring! Or maybe it's cos of my tension huhu wtf.

Erkbye.

Man, it's just stressful being around my parents.

I've learned that the way to survive in this household is to be as inconspicuous as possible. Just stay out of harm's way. And just shut the fuck up.

It's a self-preservation technique I've picked up. To save oneself from the frustration, and stress.

I mean. Dude, sure I love my parents. I care about them and all that. But hell they cause me a lot of STRESS!!!.

Whoa those basic HTML stuff learnt at school didn't go to waste after all wtf.

Holy crap why is learning how to drive so scary T______________T

I now understand why my bro drove at 20-30kmph when he first got his license wtf.

Holy shit HOWWWWW I DON'T WANNA LEARN BUT CANNOT DON'T LEARN WHO CAN SAVE ME WTFFFFF I'M SCARED SHITLESSSSSSS TOMORROW HAVE TO LEARN AGAIN GAAAAHHHHHHHHH HELP ME I DON'T WANNA WAKE UP T____________T

SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH

Seriously.

You know what happened today?

I got home right. Seemingly normal. Suddenly it hit me. Like out of nowhere. This urge.

TO CRY LIKE A MOFO.

NO KIDDING.

I WENT UP TO MY ROOM TO CRY!!! AND SUPPRESS THE URGE TO CRY.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

CRY EVERYDAY AS LONG AS I'M LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE??

WHAT IF I NEVER GET GOOD AT IT??

WHAT IF I FAIL AT IT FOREVER AND EVER????

I'LL CRY?? IS THAT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN??? I'LL CRYYY?????





T________________________________________T


I sound like a pathetic wimp but I NEED A FREAKING PLACE TO VENT TO REVEAL HOW TRULY SCARED I AM WTF AND WEAK I KNOW I KNOW!

I dunno what to feel right now. I'm down. Dreading tomorrow. Dreading what comes next.

为什么人总是一定要做自己不想做的东西？

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now but I have these images in my head.

Of stars, of vast fields, of engulfing darkness, of tranquility.

Of writing, of inspiration, of swirling vortex, of pulsating calmness.

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now

but all I'm doing is being vague.

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan


Haha. Tell me about it, Ronald.


***
My top time-wasting sites:
youtube, Cracked, blogspot wtf (as in all the blogs I read)

And today, I think another site has joined this category: listverse.com

Damnit.


***
From Top 10 Modern Human Addictions:

#10 Laziness (Ahhh the chord couldn't have been more struck)
"Anything which involves effort is often repulsive to these people; who will always find ways not to bother; and can lead to them deliberately turning down opportunities for the sake of the quiet and the mundane."

Oh my God this sounds totally like me LOL.

Nothing new today. Totally wasted the whole day doing nothing again.

But anyway. Just now I had a tummy ache and the next thing I know shit was blasting out of my a-hole like it was a fire hose and the toilet bowl was a house on fire.

It was the kind of one-off diarrhoea session where you get nauseated and you feel like you're gonna puke any second. And you contemplate, if you really do puke are you gonna do it on the floor? Or are you gonna get off the toilet seat and barf into the bowl like you should, with your unwiped exposed ass hanging in the air like a mofo.

Yeah, it was that kind of crap. Ya get what I mean?

To spare you the suspense, I ended up not puking. These sessions are always riddled with fake forecasts of regurgitation.

But the question of the day is, why doesn't diarrhoea work like barfing? You know, cos as I remember after barfing you instantly feel wayyy better like wow you miraculously recovered from whatever shit you were suffering from. You feel lighter. (Wow maybe I should become bulimic wtf). Anyway I can't remember when was the last time I barfed but I sorta recall after-barfing effects as being that way. Correct me if I'm wrong.

The opposite goes for diarrhoea, cos after the first blast you don't feel instant relief. Oh no. No no no... you feel more pain. More nausea, and maybe a bit dizzy, and to top all that your asshole burns. Oh hell yeah it fucking burns. As though it was a nest of fire ants or something.

And the more you crap the more you feel like 'Oh God I'm gonna die... God help me...'

It'll only be some time after which you'll feel better enough to crawl back to your bed and in my case, go back to trawling the Internet wtf.

With your shithole still burning like nobody's business.

At least that's how it usually goes for me. Maybe it's different for you cos you shit rainbows or something. Holy crap if you do, do share the details!

Damn. I end this post with this note: if only diarrhoea were more like barfing, you know what I mean?

You know you have no reason to wake up in the morning when you... well, just don't wanna get out of bed.

Today I feel in need of a cry session and a big tub of chocolate ice cream.

Rant

Seriously, I'm all for going back home and all but...

I wonder how to explain to mah parents when this sem's results end up way shittier than last sem's?

=/.

And you people wonder why I appear offline most of the time wtf. When I chat with my parents, they sureeeeee will end up asking about studies one. SUREEEEEEE ONE! *high pitched voice*

Sigh how ar.

Use the old "my dog ate my homework" excuse?

=.=

If I were to be honest, I could just say, "Seriously, can't you get that I'm just a lazy old bum? I'm fucking lazier than your everyday sloth, I don't give in the effort required, seriously I don't even try anymore, I don't attend lectures anymore, and if attendance weren't marked for tutorials I may have skipped even more classes, I don't start on assignments till the last last minute (yes mum, I DILLY-DALLY a lot), I take zero interest in what I'm supposed to learn, I look like crap and do a crap job at being a good student. Well basically I'm all of the things that you two would show contempt towards."

"Don't you judge me."

Ok fine, judge. Judge me with all that judgmental laser eyes and mind you want. Inside you there's a small voice reprimanding for being such a lousy ass bitch and you're thinking you're better than me. And by saying that I'm judging YOU. Cos at the end of the day we are all in fact fucking judgmental people.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I didn't bathe today.

MAHAI finish your goddamn assignments la can or not diuuuuuuuuuuuu... Fuck this shit

s;dljfjjrpjknfldfgprjgpjrsglfmngpojseptojdfl;gjdfxpocjghpeosrjtpdf;jgz;

I continue to amaze myself with my ability to waste time in the most useless fashion ever, especially when there's more pressing stuff to deal with.

Fuck am I even more useless than Magibon?

Only found out bout her today and all I can say is, wtf anything is possible in this world man...

Anything.

Didn't do a single shit today.

QC is... so... addictive...

I'm reading a webcomic.










I'm officially a dork.

One of the worst creepy crawlies violation of all time:

Having a cockroach crawling on your thigh when you're in the shower.

Fuck this shit.

Do you wonder why people hate you so much cockroach? Do you? WELL IT'S CAUSE YOU FUCKING TRAUMATIZE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM FEEL VIOLATED.

Don't forget, you have 'COCK' in your name. Sheesh no wonder you're such a dickhead.

OK? Clear enough?

And now that you're dead, cockroach, let that serve as a warning to your fellow buddies not to mess with a girl's bath time.

**

If magic really exists and spells could work, a really useful one would be "ROACHA BEGONE! AH!"

Or, "ASSIGNMENTO BEGONE AH!"

**

So apart from a vermin episode where I almost beat it to death with my underwear wtf, the weekend was the usual blend of procrastination, being distracted by the Internet, sleep and uber laziness.

At the risk of sounding like a radio DJ,

So how was your weekend?

What

"I asked myself today, why do I sit here? why do I sit here and listen to the same song again and again, play the same fucking card game over and over again. and then I realize that this is how I deal. I shut down most of my brain, leaving it to only perform menial tasks. no room for thought, no room for pain. and I realize I do this more and more often. until I am but a stupid person."

- by skyler @ claudia

This strikes the fucking chord.

Isn't it ironic...

don't you think?

That I can spend hours on end, well practically all my conscious hours, reading Cracked.com articles, yet when I read the fucking encyclopedia of a legal textbook I can't even manage past a few minutes wtf.

FML.

I wonder...

I wonder what you'd feel if you're a lecturer and you witness the number of student attending your lecture dwindle...

Does it bruise your ego?

Does it dampen your spirit and make you ask what the hell are you doing here when nobody gives a shit?

Do you relish in it cos less students means less talking?

Or

Do you grudgingly accept the fact and just keep going?

I guess over time, lecturers just settle with grudging acceptance.

How do they get up in the morning to go to work?

Being a lecturer sucks man.

***

I wonder what's it like to have a totally, completely honest relationship with your parents.

As in you don't have to hide anything from them. They'd be more like your close buddies instead of authoritative figures in your life.

Like if you smoke, you won't have to hide it. You're gay, you won't hesitate to tell them. You're a cross dresser, they'll know.

You can tell them anything, and they'll understand. Or they try to. And they'll be just what you need at the moment. They'll have just the right amount of support, or firmness, or interest, or advice, or rebuttal.

Oh I wonder how would that be. Close buddies. If my parents and I weren't 40 years apart, would we be more on the same wavelength? Or would things remain the same, as it's an Asian thing wtf?

Hmmm...

While I was taking a dump just now, for whatever reason I thought of this Denmark exchange student we had at high school during Form 4.

I thought, Man she must have so damn bored attending a Malaysian high school. I wonder what she told her friends back home about our school, like how intensely boring the classes can be or how useless the teachers can get.

Evidently, no one can escape the abyss of boredom that is Malaysian high school cos when she was asked to give her farewell speech, she said she did learn something, ie how to sleep in class.

HAHAHA. Yeahhh... didn't we all learn that in high school... good times good times.

Despite how mind numbing high school was sometimes or most of the time, people always ALWAYS reminisce and say, oh how I wish I could go back to those times.

Humans are just creatures like that. Including myself, even though it contained one of the most depressed periods of my life so far. I can't even count how many times I hid in the toilet stalls crying my eyeballs out.

It was hard. It was OK. It was not bad. It was nice. It was boring. It was fun. It was stupid.

It was all those things combined, and more.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about tuition times, even though I had to cramp into the fucking bus all sweaty and tired and hot to attend tuition all bloated and sleepy. Still there's a part of me that wants to go back.

Pffft. Silly humans. Silly emotions. I wonder why do we even exist.

Apparently sometimes you do get what you want.

Today, there was blood flow wtf.

It's nearing that time of the month, and I'm officially PMS-ing.

Sigh but why still no blood one?? Faster come faster go la stupid!!!!

Is the EPO doing any good? I can't even tell.

Motherfucker. I hate being a girl.

If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's only I am allowed to call myself fat.

You see, when I say I'm fat, it's self realization and admitting to myself that I have indeed gained weight. And flab. It's NOT giving you permission to join in the fun and start calling me fat too. When another person calls you fat, of course you're insulted. There's no other way about it.

You may, however, note that I have gained weight. That I'm chubbier. Political correctness does matter in this case heh.

Again, me call myself fat = Okey dokey. You call me fat = you're basically calling me a pig.

Not only that you're calling me a pig, you're implying your superiority over me cos you're fucking skinny. Well guess what, you have no ass at all. Skinny doesn't count for shit if you're not healthy and fit. Yeah so I'm fat and you're bony, we are basically in the same category = UNFIT.

This is not actually directed to any specific person, I'm just trying to make a point here wtf.

Another thing you can do is, learn from a friend of mine and say that I look better after gaining weight AND say that maybe I should gain more.

HAHAHAHAHA. He could've been the biggest liar around but who cares, there's nothing more ego feeding than being told you can still afford to gain weight wtf.

(But he made the mistake of saying that he looks at my FB pics everyday, which made me go, "Er.... okayyy." That just sounded a teensy bit too stalkerish for me wtf.)

Another little story that I'm just gonna insert cos I wanna. Once at a class gathering, I mentioned to my guy classmate that my normal weight is usually 52-53 kg. He was fucking surprised. Shocked, even. WTF. Obviously I was heavier than him. Dude, that's cos you're so skinny! You're like a boy, not even a guy yet wtf. I could've just crushed him by sitting on him sigh.

Well point of that little anecdote was, don't be fucking surprised when a girl weighs over 50 kg and is heavier than you. Not every girl weighs like 42 kg ok. It doesn't show that I'm heavy, it just shows that you lack muscles wtf.

Anywayyy. Yes, I've gained weight since I came here. But I don't think I'm overweight. My BMI would still come up as being in the normal range. I think. Haha.

It's just that it doesn't bother me much anymore. Although I do have to find a way to cover up all the flab hmm...

Besides, I just LOVE eating too much to give up food for the sake of my waistline. Heck food, other than sleep and the Internet, is my biggest pastime here ok?

To me, growing acceptance of my flab signifies that there's one less thing that I hate about myself. Day by day, I'm just a little more accepting of my cellulite, thunder thighs and spare tyre (yes I know I need to exercise wtf but that's not the point of this post) and the fact that I'm not a petite person. Ah... doesn't that spell personal growth?

So you're asking. If you're so satisfied with your body now, why does it bother you that people call you fat then?

Well, baby steps ok. Baby steps. I may not be 100% satisfied, but I'm trying to get there. No one female is 100% satisfied. Geez, common knowledge people.

You know what

You know what? I do realize that I incessantly and unnecessarily curse in my posts. Especially the previous post, oh man did I sound like a lumberjack or what?

The thing is, I don't curse as much in person. Cos I'm a good girl like that.

Hyeahhhhhhhh right.

No really, I curse marginally less in real life. Only marginally wtf.

But what I'm trying to get at is, even though it's typing out all the swears and being crude and vulgar on the keyboard, you gotta admit it can be a little liberating. Well this is my place to vent right.

I swear, when I was typing out the previous post, all the pent up rage at the Art Teacher, buried deep and forgotten, just surfaced and tried to burst out of my chest. Fuck! I didn't even know that I've been resenting that high school moment all these while!

Hence I lashed. Oh how I lashed.

And now, I have one less unpleasant memory buried in the recesses of my mind. One less memory from my adolescence to rant on to my therapist about. (I just know that one of these days I'll require therapy to function wtf)

Now isn't that just great?

FuCuTard = Fucking Cunt Tard

I know, I know. It's fucking ironic that the 'busier' one is, the more updating ones blog one does. The paradox never fails to amuse me.

Let's get on to business shall we.

I was gonna read this article, 'The War on Drugs is Bullshit' by VA when the title jogged my memory down memory lane. War on drugs... why does that ring a bell somehow?

Oh fuck. I remembered.

During Form 3, I had this bitchy, nasal cunt of an Art Teacher. There was this 'Kempen Anti Dadah' going on that week I think, so naturally we had to draw up an 'Anti Dadah' poster for Art class.

Huh! Drawing a fucking poster... now that shouldn't be hard right? So I went to work like an obedient student and handed in my work the following week.

WRONG. Apparently, I got the whole idea fucking wrong. Instead of an 'Anti Dadah' poster, I was supposed to draw something to the effect of saying 'I'm a poster that doesn't make fucking sense! Remind yourself of what a douche you are. Oh, and don't do drugs'.

Apparently, what the Cunt wanted was a "positive poster". Something that contained only positive images like KL Tower, KLCC and the Monorail, because oh no, you're not supposed to draw anything drug related on an 'Anti Dadah' poster, DUH.

Ok, let me pause for awhile here and let you mull over that for a minute. If you don't see a problem with that then I'd kindly ask you to go. fuck. yourself.

Let me illustrate. What the Cunt complimented was something like this:























Let me ask you, DOES THAT FUCKING MAKE SENSE YOU DIPSHIT!! ALL IT ILLUSTRATES IS THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING DOUCHE!!!

*breathes in*breathes out*

Apparent-fucking-ly, I wasn't as obedient as I thought, as I was the only one who came up with something like this (sans dialogue wtf):























(In case you can't figure out what the fuck I drew, the yellow circles were drug pills, ie the hands were throwing them into the fire HAHA. In the battlefield WTF this kid was intensely sword fighting a bad ass humanized syringe WTFFFF.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Admittedly, it was fucking and mind-blowingly lame. But hello at least it made fucking sense bitch!

Hello the kid is actually doing some work and fighting off drugs! Why not give a round of applause to his valiant effort instead of chastising his innocent artist in front of the whole class bitch?

Fucking bitch. She showed the picture to the whole class and proceeded to blab on about how ridiculous it was. That I gave the syringe legs and hands! And eyes too! What is this?? Why does this student have some semblance of an imagination?? Why didn't she just draw turgid sky scraping penises (aka Petronas Twin Tower) like I asked the class to?

Fine, bitch. I didn't listen to your stupid instructions. But you know what you gave me in the end?

A fucking 'A'. Maybe even an 'A+'.

Contradicting much?

Fuck you, stupid bitch.

You should've been grateful I didn't draw what a real 'stay-away-from-drugs' poster should look like. Have you even seen one? Real life people with injection scars looking worse than Death itself and all that shiznit. Oh yeah you should've been grateful, the Cunt.

***
For all she knows, a Pro-Abstinence poster is supposed to look like this:
























p/s: Granted, it may not have been her idea for us to draw a "positive poster". It could've been the collective decision of all the Art teachers or whatever... she was still a fugly cynical douche. Fuck her.

Tat woes

FML.

In yet another bout (more like decade) of procrastination, I'm wondering what should I get as my next tattoo.

Fuck, I have 3 tests next week, and this is what's plaguing my mind. I'm freaking itching to get another tattoo, goddammit. But as much as I wanna get inked again, I can't seem to figure out what the hell to get.

Mainly, I think it's because I don't have a discernible passion to call my own. I got my first cos well, it was more about giving tribute to the spirit of rock. Breaking rules, not kowtowing to authority, not giving a damn, being freaks of nature and still not giving a damn. And yeah inside of us all, however tiny it may be, don't we possess dreams to be a rock star? Hah.

And I thought of getting a guitar to go with it, but it would've been too big for comfort so I chickened out sigh. Plus there wasn't any design that particularly caught my eye.

This itch is not being help with the fact that my thought process is fucking all over the place.

Fast forward to the present, I'm still considering a guitar. On my right hip. Now I'm thinking, what justice will that do to me? Will I eventually learn how to play the electric guitar? I'm not a fucking rock star. What justice will that do to the tat? Years down the line, when I'm still mediocre as crap, what significance will the tat bring to me? That I once thought the electric guitar was the shiznit? Will I still feel that by then? Oh oh why not get the guitar at my back like I originally thought of? Difference is this time I won't chicken out right? Then! Then, I can save my hip for another type of tat some more!

Fuck.

Other than the guitar, I was thinking of getting a trail of stars embellishing my 'ROCK'. Hmm but a bit cliche right? And again, I'm not a fucking rock star. But wait a min, must I be a rock star to get that kind of tat?

I want to get an image this time, but fuck I dunno what to get! Argharghargh... a beaten down fairy? Cliche, and I'm not kinkybluefairy. It was a picture I drew some time ago... but still where to put it? Hip seems kinda wrong. Shoulder blade? Hmm but then it'll be on the same canvas with my 'ROCK'. Doesn't seem compatible either. Oh shit did I just determine the theme for my whole back with my first tat? Shit.

Hmmmm...

Just now, I thought of getting a quote. Cos dude, you can't really go wrong with quotes. BUT, I'm like not well read enough to have a quote ready that I totally can relate to and want it on my body no matter what. Fuck again. Scour the Web for an inspirational quote and call it a day? Wouldn't that be too forced? Too deliberate? I want it to come sorta natural, you know.

Then I thought of getting a Chinese quote, perhaps. So I thought of what Chinese proverbs do I still remember from my high school days, the good old '名句精华's. What came to mind was tadaaa.... '哀莫大于心死'. Man, this is so apt. I really wouldn't mind having this on my bod. Loosely translated it means, there's no bigger sorrow than being dead inside. Than losing all hope. Loosely translated la. Yeah, I can relate to that.

So should I? Where?

On my ribcage Ala Megan Fox? But damnnn that'll be painful. Way more painful than my first one.

So, should I??

Wait, that's not it. THEN, I started drawing a picture to go with the saying, a beaten down nubile naked girl wtf, actually similar to the beaten down fairy I drew years ago.

So I went on, wondering... should I put wings? Fuck that's cliche right!... but nothing says beaten down more than broken wings wtf. Again I went fuck! how many millions of people out there have angel tats I ask you? Dig deep bitch!

So.

Hmm.. maybe I should draw a beaten down devil instead? Nothing much, just add the little tail WTF.

Fuck, I hate myself.

Wait no! This is not the end!

And for whatever reason, I began drawing mermaids. I suppose I thought that opposed to angels, mermaids are not as cliched. Besides, I've always had this fascination over mermaids. Imagine if they were real man. Beautiful creatures of the sea, living in a totally different world than ours. I also can't get over how tragic the Little Mermaid's story is.

Like, why didn't the prince fall in love with her? Why did she have to jump back into the sea and turn into foam? Granted, she could earn a soul, but that would take her what, 300 years (If I remember correctly)?? Fuck! I'll give her my soul wtf humans don't deserve it anyway.

Sigh. You see I had these story books at home. Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Rumpelstiltskin and so on. I loved the illustrations. Particularly Little Mermaid's. Cos fuck, she was damn beautiful aight! Especially the one pic where she was dancing. I still remember that her feet hurt when she walked, let alone dance. But still, she was the best dancer there. She also gave away her voice. All for the prince to fall in love with her.

But FUCK! The prince went and married the stupid princess! My God. Tragic much?? Whyyy??

Fuck. I'm so digressing.

Er, so yeah. That's how the little mermaid made such an impression on me.

Sigh. Now I still dunno what to get and have to go cook dinner.

FML.

Titles are stupid and pointless

Gems from a speech Tucker Max gave at Ohio State:

"But instead of manning up and attempting to actually write a better book, I did what all envious people who abandon their dreams do when they see someone succeed where they are afraid of trying: I hated on him."

Haha, man don't we all do this? If it's not hatred then it'll be freakin' jealousy or envy...

"I had bought into the system so fully, and abandoned my passion for so long, I no longer believed in it or in myself. It just didn't seem realistic that I could do it."

This totally sounds like me and drawing T_T. Sigh.

"I had been sold a lie. Life was not about going to the right schools and getting the right jobs just so I work a job I hate in order to accumulate more crap I don't want or need. That's not how life was meant to be lived. There is another way. I can be the man I want to be, I can do the things I want to do and I can live the life I want to live...I just have to stop believing the lies I have been sold, and stop caring what all those people think who don't matter, and find the courage to go out and do it."

"The only thing stopping me...is ultimately me."

Yeah. Is there anymore to say?

"But guess what? A funny thing happens when you cast off all the bullshit everyone dumps on you, and just live for yourself and follow your dreams: What it takes to get you there shows up in the finished product. When you love what you do, it shows, and people respond."

"You think I had a map to get to where I am? I had no fucking idea--I was winging it the whole time. Shit, I had to INVENT A NEW LITERARY GENRE!! There are no directions to life; you have to figure most of it out on your own. You want to live a life you love, you can't do it in a paint by numbers style--you make it either because you want to free your soul or you don't."

Freeing my damn soul. That sounds oh-so-good...
Can I wing it too?

"You don't hear this from your parents or your teachers or your friends, because they never tell you the other option. You know why? It's because they don't know it exists. They tell you that to do what everyone one else is doing, they tell you that you have to get a safe job and be like all of them, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DID."

SO. FUCKING. TRUE.

"What's the alternative? If you don't live the life you want, what life are you living? A life you don't want."

"And if you don't want your life, why are you even getting up in the morning?"

Oh Tucker, man, I don't know. I really don't know.

**********

On a slightly related note, I just wanna touch on a topic that has been touched to the DEATH: Stereotypes.

But nah, not the Chinese / Asian stereotypes.

I think I've said this before. About girl stereotypes. That oh, girls have to be soft-spoken, demure, fucking gentle, wear skirts all the time etc etc all that shit.

And you know what? The major group of people who fucking cling on to this stereotype would be parents.

Sigh. Why can't they just accept that not all girls are prude and freakishly girly? Girls cannot be vulgar one meh? Must be fucking si man one meh?

That day on MSN, my mum suddenly went, (not verbatim)

"Girl, dad say don't use wtf anymore"

"vulgar"

"girl wor"

WTF.

Wait, again.

WHAT THE FUCK.

The "girl wor" really made me go "......"

=.=

First of all, I don't even know where my dad saw me using 'wtf' before wtf. FB? Ah whatever. Using wtf is already like breathing for me. Even though I try not to use in the presence of my parents I guess I slipped anyway, out of habit wtf.

And then, I didn't even try to explain that my usage of wtf is just for punctuation. I'm not actually cursing also what wtf. Well the bigass red WTF above is of course, cursing (=.=). Cos I knew that she won't get it. Of course she won't. So to save energy and time, I just went, "Yea noted"

Aih. I don't even know where to go with this. I can so imagine my dad going "you're a girl you know, bla bla bla"

Why ar? Why must people perpetuate these stereotypes, especially Asians?

I don't get it. I just wanna fucking face Stereotype in the face and rip it apart with my Wolverine claws wtf.

Or, maybe I should just change my sex wtf. Get rid of my boobs and get a fucking penis. By then when I go 'wtf' what would my parents say? "You're a guy wei, don't be so vulgar lah." WTF who do I have to screw around here to earn the right to curse then?? Har har you tell me???

GAHHHHH I'm starting to ramble.

Man, I don't even wanna know how would they react when they find out bout my tat.

Getting back to Tucker's speech, I may not know what I want in life exactly, but I do know this.

I wanna be able to get inked wherever I want without worrying about my parents' reaction can! Or whether it'll affect my future employment wtf? Fuck this shit. For that matter, I don't even wanna have a job that has any stigma towards tats.

Oh my Gawddddddddddddddddddd.....

I can't believe I just spent the last half an hour? obsessing over Mariah Carey's Obsessed wtfff..

I just had this melody fucking stuck in my head and had no idea what song was that so I got obsessed trying to figure it out. I had no lyrics, no idea who's the singer, no nothing. Youtube --> Lady Gaga? Nope. Madonna wtf? Nope. Nicole Sherzinger? Noppeee. Britney Spears wtf?? Nooooo....

So I tried Googling 'top hits' wtf cos I'm pretty sure it's a current song... and when I saw Mariah Carey 'Obsessed' it fucking struck me. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! Mariah Carey give me back my youth man!!! Damn you, 'Obsessed' chorus wtf for annoyingly getting repeated in my head!!!!

FML.

Sorry for the multiple posts in one day. Not sure why I'm apologizing but... whatever.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

OMG Twilight sucks like big time. Like 'Ugh-why-am-I-putting-myself-through-this-shit awful'. 'Why-am-I-still-watching-this-shit' awful. 'Oh Goddddd *pukeeeee*'. Yeah, it sucks like that.

Man, I don't even get what was all the fucking hype about? Girls went crazy over Robert Pattinson? OMG I'm sorry but I don't find him hot at all. Hello there are way hotter guys out there please... are you people blind?

The story was stupidly simple. And stupid. The acting, sub par. The dialogue... omg words cannot describe the dialogue. Puke-inducing... dumbass... mind-deflating (really I felt my already not very high IQ level decline just by listening to that shit)

Edward: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb"

Bella: "What a stupid lamb"

Edward: "What a sick, masochistic lion"

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG MY EARS!!!! MY BRAIN!!!!

If I were at the set I would've bitchslapped the fuck out of those two wtf. Was that from the novel? Oh fuck I hope not. It's so fucking stupid that it burnt a hole in my skull and unfortunately I will remember it longer than medically permissible wtf.

The only character I rooted for was probably Bella's father, the Sheriff. Just because he seems nice. And less dumb.

AND, apparently, vampires glitter when they're hit by sunlight. Bella said that's beautiful. WTF fuck you lah that's fucking pansy!!!! Vampires are not fucking Halloween glam rock costumes or handmade cards by kindergartners!!! They are not supposed to glitter! They're supposed to scream in agony when their skin burst into flames under sunlight you hear me?!

Pfffft Twilight. I went through the whole fucked up movie cos I had nothing better to do / was too bored / wanted to see what all the hooha was about. Plus, you know what they say about accidents and it being horrifying but you just can't stop looking. I mean I could have just stopped it after the first 10 minutes. But I was hoping that maybe later there was some redeeming quality in it. Well the answer was no.

Unfortunately I can't call Twilight fans douchebags cos my best friend loved it T_______T. Why oh why???? She said that Edward would appear progressively hotter throughout the movie. Another reason why I stuck through it. Once again the answer was no. Sigh I'm sorry but the only way that spastic could become hotter is if he transformed into Wentworth Miller ok?

And there's a new movie coming out... New Moon is it? Well that's one movie I'm never gonna watch even with a gun pointed at my temple wtf.

I just read pinkpau's blog, and can't help but to feel that I can relate to that. Granted, what a reader said in her comment was true, ie "I don’t know what you’re going through except than what you reveal here.", what we are experiencing may not be the same but what we're feeling could be similar nevertheless.

She used to be so chirpy, and happy and it was like she was capable of facing the world and doing anything. I really admired her gung-honess and spirit, but now her updates have become sparse and less... well, happy. Makes me wonder, if even such a person with great spirit could get eroded by life, is there any hope left for the rest of us?

Sometimes I wonder, what went wrong? What happened to me? Was I always like this? What did I do wrong? Heck, I'm only 19 and already numb as fuck! Is it supposed to be that way? Do we all eventually become jaded and numb?

I don't know if perhaps I have a genetic disposition to not being enthused all the time wtf, cos really, my family ain't the most cheerful bunch of all. Maybe that's why I have a tendency to get beaten down, to be overcome with melancholy. Or maybe it's just hormones and I have unusually long PMSes wtf, who knows. But that's all I've got, a bunch of "maybe"s. I don't really know.

When I'm in class, attending lectures or tutorials, it just feels that each time a little part of me dies inside. Not to sound dramatic but that's just what comes to mind. Cos really, I don't give a fuck about what I'm studying, I'm not interested whatsoever.

Yesterday, my friend and I were waiting at the bus stop, and a random lady came by with her baby. And some Caucasians (especially the older ones) just like to do what Asians would probably never do, chat with a stranger at the bus stop wtf. Anyway, blablabla and she asked my friend, "What are you planning to do in the future?" (Something like that) so friend answered "Accounting" lah.

The lady replied, "Oh, how boring ... (her tone made it sound like the most boring profession in the world, which it probably is -_-)" I sat there and just wanted to nod and say, "I couldn't agree more" emphatically.

And after that she started singing to her baby like a crazy lady. (Wtf no la just adding a pointless sentence)

In the midst of staying afloat, of just existing, it seems that my passion for reading has dwindled. I think it's not completely wiped out yet, I still imagine an afternoon of lying down and reading a book as perfectly pleasant. It's just that, when I read for leisure nowadays, I'm just too restless. As if there's something else better to do, as if I'm actually wasting my time. *Gasp* I'm sorry but I do not want to become a creature too restless for reading! *cries*

Sigh. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, my thoughts are just all over the place right now.

Oh and I also wonder, is this just a phase? Will I ever stop feeling like this? If it's just a phase, then heck it's a hell of a long phase. I've been feeling or un-feeling this way for a long longgg time, wondering when is it ever gonna stop or am I gonna go through life like sigh, this.

And you know what the saddest thing is? I don't even know what I really want to be, as opposed to being an accountant. I don't even have a specific dream that I live for, that I one day hope to achieve. I suppose I possess somewhat of a talent in drawing, but so what? So do millions of other people around. Where would that teensy bit of talent take me? FFS, there are so many others way better than me.

Once I realized that, I realized that I'm probably good for nothing then. I realized that I'm at the bottom rung of the Artistic People Hierarchy. Like, I belong with the untouchables in the hierarchy wtf.

I think that one of the reasons why I didn't really really fight to do Arts (as in threaten to run away and sleep under bridges when parents didn't let me), other than the reason that I didn't know which Arts course to take, was deep down I was afraid that I would find out during the course of my studies that I wasn't that artistically good at all.
That I would have to face the fact that all I had was very little talent, and nothing more. I was afraid of being stripped away of the one thing that made me, me. Of the one thing that I felt I was remotely good at.

And so, here I am today. Sitting in a country where my feet are almost constantly cold, putting away homework and skipping classes. There haven't been updates because there's nothing much to blog about. I haven't been thinking much at all. I think 99.9% of my brain is practically going to waste. The fact is there is so much this world could offer, but I'm just too lazy? unmotivated? apathetic? to participate.

There haven't been updates because it'll be the same old, same old 'I feel numb' stuff (kinda oxymoron wtf), and I don't wanna risk sounding like whiny old bitch. I know, I should be grateful, I should be more appreciative of all these. Heck, from a third person's vantage point, my life really isn't that bad, so what the hell are you whining about? I know, believe me I do.

I won't give excuses trying to justify my whininess, I guess I'm just a whiny person wtf. Gosh aren't you sick of the word whiny already wtf.

But I'm updating today, after reading pinkpau's post and her readers' comments and post, cos I'm reassured that I'm not alone in this. There are also people tired of life and are beaten down emotionally, although they're not 'unfortunate' in traditional terms. It's just how life operates. Life does screw everyone.

Jaded:
1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
3. dissipated

Overwork? Overuse? Fuck I haven't been doing anything for the past few weeks and even so I still feel jaded wtf. How is that possible?

Tell Me,

Why do I have the attention span of a freaking peanut?