When Boredom Strikes: An Endless Strike

Wow who knew that the next time would come so fast?

The main reason being that, I'm so. fucking. BORED.

Bored out of my skull, my skin. Oh God it's like I've reached a whole new level of boredom which is strange, cos nothing much has changed since the last level of boredom. Where oh where then did this excruciatingly mind-numbing, soul-sucking boredom come from???

Right now, I am the very picture of demotivated. All of the subjects I'm taking this sem are so fucking dry. I don't know what would be a wet subject but er... you get my drift. I can't even bear to go through a few sentences of any of the freaking textbooks before wandering off doing something else... which is usually nothing. Another preferred activity would be clawing my eyes out.

As you might realize by now, this site ain't gonna offer anything more than the ramblings of an ex-teenager. That's right. It's ex-teenager now. What age is 20 anyway? Not yet adult, not really teen age (unless you insist on it wtf). Limbo age. Limbage wtf.

Whatever age it is, it just serves to remind you that there are younger people out there who've already achieved so much more than you have, probably more than you ever will. Depressing, isn't it? Bah, facts of life dude.

Violentacres wrote that she thinks she's out of stories. Which is a pity, really. I remember how I got to her site. I was searching for a female Maddox haha. I wanted to know if there was a female equivalent of Maddox whose site could rival his in awesomeness. Violentacres wasn't exactly Maddox-like, but it got me hooked. Her stories, particularly those about her mother... will leave one speechless. Sigh.

Is it pathetic that I talk about these sites that I go to? Yea I think it is... I think it is. *nods slowly*

And I've mentioned this before a long time ago I think, but I miss isorule. I wish Jay didn't privatise his blog. Such a fucking entertaining blog it was. By a gay Malaysian who lives in London (if things haven't changed) nonetheless!

Ah I have no idea where this post is going. I don't have any stories to tell. Oh maybe just one.
That day I went grocery shopping, and ended up in one of the most mortifying situations one could ever end up in at the cashier.

Can you guess what it was?

Yes! You guessed it right! (Unless you guessed wrong wtf)

I didn't have enough cash to pay.

True story. I have no idea how I ended up getting over $120 worth of fucking groceries. Luckily for me, the cashier was pretty nice about it. Either she had come across doofus customers like me before, or she herself had been in the situation and completely understood. I'm just glad that she wasn't bitchy or snarky to me. Thank goodness!

I don't know if I should elaborate wtf cos it's pretty lame. I ended up having to give up two items. Well at least it wasn't half of the stuff I took right. I was like a few dollars short, including the coins I had in my purse. Yes. I stood there taking out coins and she was counting how much they added up to. Again, she was pretty nice about it. Again, thank goodness!

What was the point of telling you that? Beats me. As if I don't seem lame enough as it is. As if I don't humiliate myself enough over here. Sigh.

I'm still bored.

Can someone tell me why I'm still sleepy in class even though I had like 8 to 9 hours of sleep? I can't even wake up at 9 am these days, let alone 8. I hate morning classes.

Have I told you, that I fucking hate winter? Yeah, winter fucking sucks. People over at Malaysia would probably say oh c'mon you know how fucking hot it is here or not ma hai. Ya I know lah ma hai. I hate crawling into a fucking cold bed every night, waking up to a fucking cold morning and enduring the fucking cold outside. The fucking weight gain. Urgh. Electricity bill skyrocketing cos of heater usage. Urgh.

Sure, experiencing winter when you're from a tropical country could be alright for a few days when you're on vacation, but enduring it for fucking months just sucks balls ok. It sucks balls. Man, I don't ever wanna live in a country with four seasons wtf. I prefer just visiting places with four seasons, thank you very much. And this is just Sydney, imagine what'd happen if I were in let's say Canada wtf. I'd probably kill myself.

Man I fucking hate winter.

(Whoa I ended up sounding so whiny in this post wtf)

Why hello

Holy schmoly it's been half a year! I don't know why I don't just delete this whole thing. Perhaps I knew that one day I'd be back and come on it's kinda hard to just delete everything. Even if I really do stop altogether someday, I think I'll still leave this up. Just for the sake of it. To be an eyesore wtf.

So what brought on this sudden comeback? Ah... I don't know. Someone whose blog I read came back after 6 months too. She's been blogging on and off for 5 years, she said. Well it's been 4 years of on and off for me. Probably more, cos I deleted the previous one. I can't remember when the first one started.

People, I have no idea why all of a sudden I happen to have 3 followers. Hmm one I'm pretty sure is a spam bot or whatever, but I'm still not blocking it yet cos hey I like having more than 1 follower. Haha. Another I'm not too sure about... Moongirl. In her profile it says that she's an artist and writer living in Australia. In what unfortunate circumstances did she chance upon this thing (I don't even wanna call it a blog anymore), in what delirious state she was in to click herself into being a follower, I have no freaking idea. It's probably a mistake. *Shrug*

The other, ah hah. I've been reading you since I don't know when. If my memory serves me right, I've wished you happy birthday twice. Meaning I stumbled into your blog 2 or more years ago? Holy camoly how did time pass so fast? And the third time is coming in 2 days time. Man, just... man. I remember once when I was crying my eyeballs out in my room. You gave me a link on youtube to watch Gangster 15. Haha I never did finish watching it you know. But you said that the guy didn't kill himself in the end, so that's all I needed to know I guess.

I have not ranted in such a long time in this space goodness gracious! The need to rant suddenly struck me last night and I messaged my good friend a rambling, ranty message in the midst of trying to sleep. Who do you go to when you need to rant? That moment, I missed being able to message him anything anytime, especially in nights when I couldn't sleep. It could just be lyrics to a song, nonsensical stuff, anything. It was like I had unlimited credit. No I don't think we could ever go back to those times anymore. It would be kinda like opening old wounds? But nah, not as painful as that. It's just that we've moved past that I guess.

A kick in the butt. A fucking kick in the butt. Most of the time, that's what I need I guess. I should really use my own advice. My dear friend and I, we're an ocean apart but we're basically dealing with the same core issues. We're stuck. Stuck. Self-inflicted or not. I type out these pep-talky messages, trying to comfort and provide support, but at the same time I feel like such a phony cos I don't even use my own advice. Such a big fat phony. Hmm this the first time I'm admitting here that I'm a phony, and you know what comes to mind? That dude in movies with man boobs wearing that brown corporate suit and red striped tie and carrying that briefcase. That dude that screams phony. Or maybe he just screams fat. I think I may have been watching too many shows lately.

Oh talking about shows. There's this latest guilty pleasure of mine. It's Hung. It's like watching porn with character development and a plot. When the first boob scene made it's appearance, I wondered wow do they really show this on TV? And when more revealing, steamy scenes came on, I was like wtf they really show this on freaking TV? Incredulity ensued. Cos where I come from, those scenes would be cut right off. And all that's left would be an OK show. A pimp that can be annoying sometimes and a man whore that needs to get his house fixed. Yes the sex scenes make it so much better. Oh I feel dirty just typing about it wtf. Oh and when the first vagina made its appearance, I was even more like Oh you gotta be kidding me!! This is what that's shown on TV these days?! Or maybe Ive just been watching the wrong TV shows? Ah.

Enough about that ahem. I know you're interested, so just go download the show already aight. Moving on, I wanna mention the super manly Old Spice guy! Quite an ingenious ad campaign! Just youtube old spice and you can watch him respond to questions in the funniest, most random way. "Monocle smile!" Simply, hilarious. That deep, soothing voice of his and the way he says Hello. Love it!

I think that's it for now people. Till next time? I don't know when the next time will be. And my Internet connection is beyond fucked up now I'm just waiting for it to connect so I can click Publish Post goddamnit. Since it's still disconnected, perhaps I can just mention that I watched the Notebook just now and wtf I cried like a baby in the end. Does love like that even exist I ask you? When old Noah lost old Allie and she was screaming for people to come... heart wrenching. Sniff.

I came across some pics of me, I was turning 16. Judging from the photos, back then my skin was still smooth. Like real smooth, and rosy, no Photo shop needed. Fuck, I had really nice skin.

Now, T zone's fucked up. Blackheads. Dry. Oily. All at the same fucking time. Veins. Roughness. Bumps. Where did all the smoothness go?

A mere 3 years did that to my skin. I shudder to think what it did inside.

I feel so fucking old and jaded.

***
I wonder why is it so hard for me to fall sick.

I mean, oh sure mental illness I have, but why can't I fall physically ill?

I'm talking bout fever, barfing, sweating, pain, physically feeling like you've been run over by a fucking truck.

WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME FALL SICK!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had a fever, for God's sake.

I want a valid reason to actually lie in bed and go "Oh I'm dying I'm dying..."

A valid reason to stay in bed as long as I want, to shuffle my feet, to slouch, to not talk, to look like shit, to groan and sigh and grumble.

Selfish bitch.
***

Yesterday I think my mum was checking out my phone. Checking my messages. I walked in on her, and I didn't feel a thing. Nothing.

I think she suspects that I may be having boy problems wtf. And that's why I've been so moody lately.

Fuck man, I have been like this for so fucking long, for how many years, you notice this now?

Boy problems. Pffft. Please.

One thing about having depression is when you're having one of your episodes (possibly triggered by some incident or for no reason at all), you don't know who to turn to.

Cos frankly, everyone has their own shit to deal with and no one wants to be around a depressed person. You yourself don't want to bring them down with your shitty mood.

So, you're stuck with you and just you. You and all your degenerate thoughts, festering and consuming. And you just. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

Is it really worth it? It never really goes away. Every time it just slids away to a corner, waiting to strike again. You KNOW it'll come back.

Is life really worth the vicious cycles, the waking up to someone you hate, the mental fatigue, the tears, the swollen eyes, the crouching in corners, the languish, the suffocation, the loneliness, the feeling of being lost, the unwillingness to wake up to another day, the inability to live with yourself.

Is it worth it? You ask, time and again.

Till one day you just can't take it anymore.

***
Sometimes it feels as though your family members could have the harshest judgments of them all. It feels as though you're under their judgmental eyes all the time, maybe it's all in your head; maybe it's not.

***
Are crazy people always happy? For fuck's sake, I don't know why I'm not crazy yet.

Selfish people should never, ever start a family.

If you think you should start a family as an insurance for when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you think that you want children so that they can accompany you when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you're gonna live vicariously through your children and impose your own dreams on them, that's SELFISH.

These days all of us are selfish. People should just stop procreating and cease to exist.

Having children is not a decision to be regretted. Cos you can't undo what you've brought to this world.

PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STOP PROCREATING!!!

Don't you love that moment in shows (Korean, more likely) where in the midst of the girl rambling on how she doesn't have any good qualities, the guy tells the girl that no you're wrong, you're worth something. You're not nothing. You're eligible.

I wanna be that girl.

OMG my sense of direction is fucking fail.

It's below the level that's necessary to survive wtf.

So either I get a GPS system or... die.

Do you ever find yourself wondering...

what constitutes a friend?

Fuck pubes! What the hell do they do anyway?

I should totally shave my pubes off.

Sorry if I disgust you.

What is with me?

Why do I keep hoping for a heavily tattooed guy to whisk me away in his car to a mountaintop, where there will only be silence, the stars and us.

Oh heavily tattooed guy, will you ever appear? Or are you just gonna remain as a figment of my imagination forever?

心跳的感觉... 真的存在吗？

Chronicles of Narnia... Not

What is this? Chronicles of me learning how to drive?

Indeed... this is what this site has become wtf. So I can recap on all the mistakes I did and learn. If anybody's still reading this shit, you'll have to SUFFERRRR.

So, 4th time. New stuff: going into a roundabout.

Recap!

• Change gear often. "Cannot be lazy!!!!" (Ok maybe he didn't say it with so many exclamation marks but c'mon, for a beginner behind the wheel, EVERYTHING is amplified. Whether you learn from your mistakes, that's another thing wtf)
• Hill. I think I'm getting a little better at this. Still, what I drove on ain't as steep as the test's one so have to work on it some more. Then remember, "Sustain!! SUSTAIN!!!" (Ok this one not really amplified, basically he's imploring for me to sustain the gear then press the gas)
• Stop the time, even when on level ground, safer to use hand brake. Cos I'm still a noob. Stop on a slope, use hand brake lah duh. And pull hand brake hard enough. Then do the stupid hill thingy again.
• Stop. Look around for cars. Get ready to move, react fast. Got car, wait till it just passes then can start moving already ok! Janganlah lambat-lambat, then forever got car coming and cannot move wtf.
• Roundabout! I've learned that I dunno shit about sticking to my lane lol. Huh lane? What lane? Wtf. Shall illustrate this later.
• LOOK AROUND FOR FUCKING CARS DUH. Cos I'll be trying to focus on what I gotta do and seem to forget/ ignore/ don't care that there are in fact other cars moving around and I could in fact be banging one of them if I ain't careful.

Mahai. So many points to recap.

And the nagging, oh the nagging. I mean I'm sorry he has to nag so much cos basically I'm the one causing it but sometimes just wanna tune the drone out ya know.

Illustration time!


























Sorry bout the cheesy title, am finally going through the last HP book, which is surprisingly griping.

So basically I didn't even know which lane to go to , after going into the right lane, and turning round a few times to get the feel of it. My dad was asking me to turn into one of the roads, I just turned. No signal, no driving to the left lane, no nothing. Should've checked side mirrors and all, made sure it was safe to turn, signalled to the left, react fast and went into the left lane. Stick to your fucking lane. Undang should've learned this right but hell that was long ago and in theory of course easier to remember lah, got diagram for you to see some more. "Oh which way should Kereta A go blablabla."

Then another sticking to your lane scenario. Me noob lah. Walao what I learned at Undang like flew out the window after passing the Undang test.



So here my dad asked me to turn right, then I turned into the right lane, thought he meant do what the pink-crossed line shows lah. Sigh I know right. It's like I know nothing bout traffic rules or whatever. Huh traffic rules? What's that? Wtf.














That's basically it, I guess. What I learned today. Maybe he's bringing me out again after wards.

Not so scared of it anymore, but still not liking it either. Rather avoid it as much as I can wtf.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

More often than not, I scour blogs for posts that are contemplative and make you ponder, cos other people just seem to express those same feelings better than I ever will.

I think a part of me just hopes that one day one of them will chance upon the secret of life, or something like that.

And we can all share the knowledge and stop being lost.

You're asking me why I stay in my room most of the time?

HAIYA to avoid you people la duh!!! I rather die of congested air or something than facing the stress of dealing with you people wtf.

Emm okay. So I had my third driving lesson with my dad just now.

I guess it's getting better... hey at least I'm not crying now right? So that's what you may call progress.

I have yet to master multi tasking wtf... there's a lapse of attention the moment I change gear and have to steer at the same time.

And then the slope thing. Balance point (G spot, whatever you wanna call it), release hand brake... need practice for this to be smooth smooth smooth... Mind you it was just a teensy little slope. Test the time need to drive on hill sumore wtf. Practice I guess, nothing but practice.

Stalled a few times. Erm at least I went to the 5th gear this time. Just to get the hang of changing gears. Somehow I have this problem changing to 3rd gear wtf. Noob, I am.

And my steering is a bit off haha wtf. Cannot turn sharp corners smoothly yet. A bit slow.

So, recap:
- Multi task. Eyes on road at all time! (Wtf I don't even look at the mirrors. Okay must develop habit of looking) Feel the gears baby... Feeeeeeeeel it!
- Get the hang of steering. Hands on correct position... if not kena marah lol.
- Get the hang of slope thing.
- Get the hang of changing gears (ESPECIALLY 3rd gear). Know when to change. And to what. (When you slow down do you go to neutral and brake? Or you downshift. Instinct is to downshift but a little search on the Internet says it's better to go neutral and brake cos downshifting wears out the clutch. And clutch is more expensive to replace than brake. Tell me, people who drive.)
- No panicking of course. Panicking doesn't do anybody good. But me noob, still get nervous one.

Okay this is only my third time. I shall get better at this. Practice makes perfect right! And if all else fails, there's always the option of bribing wtfff... but parents won't do that :(. Okay what the fuck am I talking about I haven't even had my official driving lessons and I'm thinking bout the test already. =.=

And now my back aches a little wtf. Damn driving is tiring! Or maybe it's cos of my tension huhu wtf.

Erkbye.

Man, it's just stressful being around my parents.

I've learned that the way to survive in this household is to be as inconspicuous as possible. Just stay out of harm's way. And just shut the fuck up.

It's a self-preservation technique I've picked up. To save oneself from the frustration, and stress.

I mean. Dude, sure I love my parents. I care about them and all that. But hell they cause me a lot of STRESS!!!.

Whoa those basic HTML stuff learnt at school didn't go to waste after all wtf.

Holy crap why is learning how to drive so scary T______________T

I now understand why my bro drove at 20-30kmph when he first got his license wtf.

Holy shit HOWWWWW I DON'T WANNA LEARN BUT CANNOT DON'T LEARN WHO CAN SAVE ME WTFFFFF I'M SCARED SHITLESSSSSSS TOMORROW HAVE TO LEARN AGAIN GAAAAHHHHHHHHH HELP ME I DON'T WANNA WAKE UP T____________T

SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH

Seriously.

You know what happened today?

I got home right. Seemingly normal. Suddenly it hit me. Like out of nowhere. This urge.

TO CRY LIKE A MOFO.

NO KIDDING.

I WENT UP TO MY ROOM TO CRY!!! AND SUPPRESS THE URGE TO CRY.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

CRY EVERYDAY AS LONG AS I'M LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE??

WHAT IF I NEVER GET GOOD AT IT??

WHAT IF I FAIL AT IT FOREVER AND EVER????

I'LL CRY?? IS THAT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN??? I'LL CRYYY?????





T________________________________________T


I sound like a pathetic wimp but I NEED A FREAKING PLACE TO VENT TO REVEAL HOW TRULY SCARED I AM WTF AND WEAK I KNOW I KNOW!

I dunno what to feel right now. I'm down. Dreading tomorrow. Dreading what comes next.

为什么人总是一定要做自己不想做的东西？

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now but I have these images in my head.

Of stars, of vast fields, of engulfing darkness, of tranquility.

Of writing, of inspiration, of swirling vortex, of pulsating calmness.

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now

but all I'm doing is being vague.

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan


Haha. Tell me about it, Ronald.


***
My top time-wasting sites:
youtube, Cracked, blogspot wtf (as in all the blogs I read)

And today, I think another site has joined this category: listverse.com

Damnit.


***
From Top 10 Modern Human Addictions:

#10 Laziness (Ahhh the chord couldn't have been more struck)
"Anything which involves effort is often repulsive to these people; who will always find ways not to bother; and can lead to them deliberately turning down opportunities for the sake of the quiet and the mundane."

Oh my God this sounds totally like me LOL.

Nothing new today. Totally wasted the whole day doing nothing again.

But anyway. Just now I had a tummy ache and the next thing I know shit was blasting out of my a-hole like it was a fire hose and the toilet bowl was a house on fire.

It was the kind of one-off diarrhoea session where you get nauseated and you feel like you're gonna puke any second. And you contemplate, if you really do puke are you gonna do it on the floor? Or are you gonna get off the toilet seat and barf into the bowl like you should, with your unwiped exposed ass hanging in the air like a mofo.

Yeah, it was that kind of crap. Ya get what I mean?

To spare you the suspense, I ended up not puking. These sessions are always riddled with fake forecasts of regurgitation.

But the question of the day is, why doesn't diarrhoea work like barfing? You know, cos as I remember after barfing you instantly feel wayyy better like wow you miraculously recovered from whatever shit you were suffering from. You feel lighter. (Wow maybe I should become bulimic wtf). Anyway I can't remember when was the last time I barfed but I sorta recall after-barfing effects as being that way. Correct me if I'm wrong.

The opposite goes for diarrhoea, cos after the first blast you don't feel instant relief. Oh no. No no no... you feel more pain. More nausea, and maybe a bit dizzy, and to top all that your asshole burns. Oh hell yeah it fucking burns. As though it was a nest of fire ants or something.

And the more you crap the more you feel like 'Oh God I'm gonna die... God help me...'

It'll only be some time after which you'll feel better enough to crawl back to your bed and in my case, go back to trawling the Internet wtf.

With your shithole still burning like nobody's business.

At least that's how it usually goes for me. Maybe it's different for you cos you shit rainbows or something. Holy crap if you do, do share the details!

Damn. I end this post with this note: if only diarrhoea were more like barfing, you know what I mean?