Thursday, May 17, 2007

Here I Go Again

Oh I've been neglecting this blog for ages. I really shouldn't, cos I should write. More and more. If I ever intend to become a columnist. A freelance writer.

Sigh. I sigh a lot. I have no idea what the future holds, I have no particular plans. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. It sucks when self-doubt sets in. Sometimes parents do that. They make you question your abilities. Sometimes you do it to yourself.

There's so much I wanna do, you know. Much that I can envision myself doing. Baking, cooking, drawing, crafting... I wanna spend time drawing again, finish my unfinished projects. But it just seems pointless since I won't be showing it or have a chance to do that. And these days I wake up at 2pm, all groggy and heavy-lidded. I don't know why no matter what time I sleep, I keep waking up at 2 now, it's weird. It seems like, if I wake at one time for one day, for the other days I'll wake up at that certain time or near that certain time until I manage to finally get out of that schedule... It's weird la.

Sigh. But yeah, I would like to draw again... and read. Haven't been skimming through my books lately too. Blame it on my Prison Break mania. I can't help it. It's too good. I admit it has its flaws, but Wentworth Miller definitely makes up for it. Hell yeah he's HOT. Anyway. The thing is, I can't seem to indulge in drawing and reading at the same period. Once I'm in a book, I refrain from doing anything else. It's probably cos I'm a lousy multi-tasker. So since I have this whole bunch of books sitting prettily on my shelf imploring to be read, I've been reading, then taking a few days break, then reading again... so I haven't been tapping into my drawing skills lately. At all. And I kinda feel guilty bcos of that, it's like I'm ignoring or neglecting a part of me. It's an essential part of me.

Sigh. There's so much I can do, but here I am bumming around the house. Not doing much. I could learn how to cook, how to bake, but I'm just this unmotivated blob of human flesh. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just die since I don't seem to do anything anyway... my death won't bring much of an impact.

I ramble on and on and on... and I don't seem to do anything about it, do I? I seem to be running in circles. I suck. I know. I hope this 'I suck' thing will cease once I start studying again, once I have some real purpose, you know, something to focus on. I hope that I'll have much to occupy my time with so I won't even have a chance to catch a breath, much less whine and bitch. I know that probably won't happen but a girl can hope, aight?

To start studying again... hmm I'm not sure how I feel about that. It just seems ages ago that I studied. When in truth it's just a few months. Time really flies. And I have a really short memory. I've been thinking, about extra-curricular activities. About what I should take. Perhaps dancing. Belly dancing. Pole dancing. Those really interest me. Or jazz, contemporary etc... man, it's just after having watched 'So You Think You Can Dance'... every dance is sexy and hot. Other than dancing, maybe write for a newsletter or something, if there's one, to hone my writing skills (what writing skills?? You ask). And surprisingly, acting has crossed my mind. Prison Break has something to do with this too. Wouldn't it be great to immerse yourself in this totally new environment and be another person. Wouldn't it be fun to build rapport with other actors, showing it on stage or on screen... To let yourself believe that you and the character is one and you feel what he/she should feel, making it so real you affect the viewers, touch their hearts, making them shed a tear with you... it's kinda... surreal.

Sigh. I sigh a lot. Damn a lot.