Saturday, December 19, 2009

OMG my sense of direction is fucking fail.

It's below the level that's necessary to survive wtf.

So either I get a GPS system or... die.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Do you ever find yourself wondering...

what constitutes a friend?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Fuck pubes! What the hell do they do anyway?

I should totally shave my pubes off.

Sorry if I disgust you.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What is with me?

Why do I keep hoping for a heavily tattooed guy to whisk me away in his car to a mountaintop, where there will only be silence, the stars and us.

Oh heavily tattooed guy, will you ever appear? Or are you just gonna remain as a figment of my imagination forever?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

心跳的感觉... 真的存在吗?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Chronicles of Narnia... Not

What is this? Chronicles of me learning how to drive?

Indeed... this is what this site has become wtf. So I can recap on all the mistakes I did and learn. If anybody's still reading this shit, you'll have to SUFFERRRR.

So, 4th time. New stuff: going into a roundabout.


  • Change gear often. "Cannot be lazy!!!!" (Ok maybe he didn't say it with so many exclamation marks but c'mon, for a beginner behind the wheel, EVERYTHING is amplified. Whether you learn from your mistakes, that's another thing wtf)
  • Hill. I think I'm getting a little better at this. Still, what I drove on ain't as steep as the test's one so have to work on it some more. Then remember, "Sustain!! SUSTAIN!!!" (Ok this one not really amplified, basically he's imploring for me to sustain the gear then press the gas)
  • Stop the time, even when on level ground, safer to use hand brake. Cos I'm still a noob. Stop on a slope, use hand brake lah duh. And pull hand brake hard enough. Then do the stupid hill thingy again.
  • Stop. Look around for cars. Get ready to move, react fast. Got car, wait till it just passes then can start moving already ok! Janganlah lambat-lambat, then forever got car coming and cannot move wtf.
  • Roundabout! I've learned that I dunno shit about sticking to my lane lol. Huh lane? What lane? Wtf. Shall illustrate this later.
  • LOOK AROUND FOR FUCKING CARS DUH. Cos I'll be trying to focus on what I gotta do and seem to forget/ ignore/ don't care that there are in fact other cars moving around and I could in fact be banging one of them if I ain't careful.
Mahai. So many points to recap.

And the nagging, oh the nagging. I mean I'm sorry he has to nag so much cos basically I'm the one causing it but sometimes just wanna tune the drone out ya know.

Illustration time!

Sorry bout the cheesy title, am finally going through the last HP book, which is surprisingly griping.

So basically I didn't even know which lane to go to , after going into the right lane, and turning round a few times to get the feel of it. My dad was asking me to turn into one of the roads, I just turned. No signal, no driving to the left lane, no nothing. Should've checked side mirrors and all, made sure it was safe to turn, signalled to the left, react fast and went into the left lane. Stick to your fucking lane. Undang should've learned this right but hell that was long ago and in theory of course easier to remember lah, got diagram for you to see some more. "Oh which way should Kereta A go blablabla."

Then another sticking to your lane scenario. Me noob lah. Walao what I learned at Undang like flew out the window after passing the Undang test.

So here my dad asked me to turn right, then I turned into the right lane, thought he meant do what the pink-crossed line shows lah. Sigh I know right. It's like I know nothing bout traffic rules or whatever. Huh traffic rules? What's that? Wtf.

That's basically it, I guess. What I learned today. Maybe he's bringing me out again after wards.

Not so scared of it anymore, but still not liking it either. Rather avoid it as much as I can wtf.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

More often than not, I scour blogs for posts that are contemplative and make you ponder, cos other people just seem to express those same feelings better than I ever will.

I think a part of me just hopes that one day one of them will chance upon the secret of life, or something like that.

And we can all share the knowledge and stop being lost.
You're asking me why I stay in my room most of the time?

HAIYA to avoid you people la duh!!! I rather die of congested air or something than facing the stress of dealing with you people wtf.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Emm okay. So I had my third driving lesson with my dad just now.

I guess it's getting better... hey at least I'm not crying now right? So that's what you may call progress.

I have yet to master multi tasking wtf... there's a lapse of attention the moment I change gear and have to steer at the same time.

And then the slope thing. Balance point (G spot, whatever you wanna call it), release hand brake... need practice for this to be smooth smooth smooth... Mind you it was just a teensy little slope. Test the time need to drive on hill sumore wtf. Practice I guess, nothing but practice.

Stalled a few times. Erm at least I went to the 5th gear this time. Just to get the hang of changing gears. Somehow I have this problem changing to 3rd gear wtf. Noob, I am.

And my steering is a bit off haha wtf. Cannot turn sharp corners smoothly yet. A bit slow.

So, recap:
- Multi task. Eyes on road at all time! (Wtf I don't even look at the mirrors. Okay must develop habit of looking) Feel the gears baby... Feeeeeeeeel it!
- Get the hang of steering. Hands on correct position... if not kena marah lol.
- Get the hang of slope thing.
- Get the hang of changing gears (ESPECIALLY 3rd gear). Know when to change. And to what. (When you slow down do you go to neutral and brake? Or you downshift. Instinct is to downshift but a little search on the Internet says it's better to go neutral and brake cos downshifting wears out the clutch. And clutch is more expensive to replace than brake. Tell me, people who drive.)
- No panicking of course. Panicking doesn't do anybody good. But me noob, still get nervous one.

Okay this is only my third time. I shall get better at this. Practice makes perfect right! And if all else fails, there's always the option of bribing wtfff... but parents won't do that :(. Okay what the fuck am I talking about I haven't even had my official driving lessons and I'm thinking bout the test already. =.=

And now my back aches a little wtf. Damn driving is tiring! Or maybe it's cos of my tension huhu wtf.


Monday, November 16, 2009

Man, it's just stressful being around my parents.

I've learned that the way to survive in this household is to be as inconspicuous as possible. Just stay out of harm's way. And just shut the fuck up.

It's a self-preservation technique I've picked up. To save oneself from the frustration, and stress.

I mean. Dude, sure I love my parents. I care about them and all that. But hell they cause me a lot of STRESS!!!.

Whoa those basic HTML stuff learnt at school didn't go to waste after all wtf.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Holy crap why is learning how to drive so scary T______________T

I now understand why my bro drove at 20-30kmph when he first got his license wtf.




You know what happened today?

I got home right. Seemingly normal. Suddenly it hit me. Like out of nowhere. This urge.












I dunno what to feel right now. I'm down. Dreading tomorrow. Dreading what comes next.


Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now but I have these images in my head.

Of stars, of vast fields, of engulfing darkness, of tranquility.

Of writing, of inspiration, of swirling vortex, of pulsating calmness.

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now

but all I'm doing is being vague.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan

Haha. Tell me about it, Ronald.

My top time-wasting sites:
youtube, Cracked, blogspot wtf (as in all the blogs I read)

And today, I think another site has joined this category:


From Top 10 Modern Human Addictions:

#10 Laziness (Ahhh the chord couldn't have been more struck)
"Anything which involves effort is often repulsive to these people; who will always find ways not to bother; and can lead to them deliberately turning down opportunities for the sake of the quiet and the mundane."

Oh my God this sounds totally like me LOL.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Nothing new today. Totally wasted the whole day doing nothing again.

But anyway. Just now I had a tummy ache and the next thing I know shit was blasting out of my a-hole like it was a fire hose and the toilet bowl was a house on fire.

It was the kind of one-off diarrhoea session where you get nauseated and you feel like you're gonna puke any second. And you contemplate, if you really do puke are you gonna do it on the floor? Or are you gonna get off the toilet seat and barf into the bowl like you should, with your unwiped exposed ass hanging in the air like a mofo.

Yeah, it was that kind of crap. Ya get what I mean?

To spare you the suspense, I ended up not puking. These sessions are always riddled with fake forecasts of regurgitation.

But the question of the day is, why doesn't diarrhoea work like barfing? You know, cos as I remember after barfing you instantly feel wayyy better like wow you miraculously recovered from whatever shit you were suffering from. You feel lighter. (Wow maybe I should become bulimic wtf). Anyway I can't remember when was the last time I barfed but I sorta recall after-barfing effects as being that way. Correct me if I'm wrong.

The opposite goes for diarrhoea, cos after the first blast you don't feel instant relief. Oh no. No no no... you feel more pain. More nausea, and maybe a bit dizzy, and to top all that your asshole burns. Oh hell yeah it fucking burns. As though it was a nest of fire ants or something.

And the more you crap the more you feel like 'Oh God I'm gonna die... God help me...'

It'll only be some time after which you'll feel better enough to crawl back to your bed and in my case, go back to trawling the Internet wtf.

With your shithole still burning like nobody's business.

At least that's how it usually goes for me. Maybe it's different for you cos you shit rainbows or something. Holy crap if you do, do share the details!

Damn. I end this post with this note: if only diarrhoea were more like barfing, you know what I mean?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

You know you have no reason to wake up in the morning when you... well, just don't wanna get out of bed.

Today I feel in need of a cry session and a big tub of chocolate ice cream.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Seriously, I'm all for going back home and all but...

I wonder how to explain to mah parents when this sem's results end up way shittier than last sem's?


And you people wonder why I appear offline most of the time wtf. When I chat with my parents, they sureeeeee will end up asking about studies one. SUREEEEEEE ONE! *high pitched voice*

Sigh how ar.

Use the old "my dog ate my homework" excuse?


If I were to be honest, I could just say, "Seriously, can't you get that I'm just a lazy old bum? I'm fucking lazier than your everyday sloth, I don't give in the effort required, seriously I don't even try anymore, I don't attend lectures anymore, and if attendance weren't marked for tutorials I may have skipped even more classes, I don't start on assignments till the last last minute (yes mum, I DILLY-DALLY a lot), I take zero interest in what I'm supposed to learn, I look like crap and do a crap job at being a good student. Well basically I'm all of the things that you two would show contempt towards."

"Don't you judge me."

Ok fine, judge. Judge me with all that judgmental laser eyes and mind you want. Inside you there's a small voice reprimanding for being such a lousy ass bitch and you're thinking you're better than me. And by saying that I'm judging YOU. Cos at the end of the day we are all in fact fucking judgmental people.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I didn't bathe today.

Friday, October 09, 2009

MAHAI finish your goddamn assignments la can or not diuuuuuuuuuuuu... Fuck this shit


Monday, October 05, 2009

I continue to amaze myself with my ability to waste time in the most useless fashion ever, especially when there's more pressing stuff to deal with.

Fuck am I even more useless than Magibon?

Only found out bout her today and all I can say is, wtf anything is possible in this world man...


Sunday, October 04, 2009

Didn't do a single shit today.

QC is... so... addictive...

I'm reading a webcomic.

I'm officially a dork.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

One of the worst creepy crawlies violation of all time:

Having a cockroach crawling on your thigh when you're in the shower.

Fuck this shit.

Do you wonder why people hate you so much cockroach? Do you? WELL IT'S CAUSE YOU FUCKING TRAUMATIZE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM FEEL VIOLATED.

Don't forget, you have 'COCK' in your name. Sheesh no wonder you're such a dickhead.

OK? Clear enough?

And now that you're dead, cockroach, let that serve as a warning to your fellow buddies not to mess with a girl's bath time.


If magic really exists and spells could work, a really useful one would be "ROACHA BEGONE! AH!"



So apart from a vermin episode where I almost beat it to death with my underwear wtf, the weekend was the usual blend of procrastination, being distracted by the Internet, sleep and uber laziness.

At the risk of sounding like a radio DJ,

So how was your weekend?

Monday, September 21, 2009


"I asked myself today, why do I sit here? why do I sit here and listen to the same song again and again, play the same fucking card game over and over again. and then I realize that this is how I deal. I shut down most of my brain, leaving it to only perform menial tasks. no room for thought, no room for pain. and I realize I do this more and more often. until I am but a stupid person."

- by skyler @ claudia

This strikes the fucking chord.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Isn't it ironic...

don't you think?

That I can spend hours on end, well practically all my conscious hours, reading articles, yet when I read the fucking encyclopedia of a legal textbook I can't even manage past a few minutes wtf.


Monday, August 31, 2009

I wonder...

I wonder what you'd feel if you're a lecturer and you witness the number of student attending your lecture dwindle...

Does it bruise your ego?

Does it dampen your spirit and make you ask what the hell are you doing here when nobody gives a shit?

Do you relish in it cos less students means less talking?


Do you grudgingly accept the fact and just keep going?

I guess over time, lecturers just settle with grudging acceptance.

How do they get up in the morning to go to work?

Being a lecturer sucks man.


I wonder what's it like to have a totally, completely honest relationship with your parents.

As in you don't have to hide anything from them. They'd be more like your close buddies instead of authoritative figures in your life.

Like if you smoke, you won't have to hide it. You're gay, you won't hesitate to tell them. You're a cross dresser, they'll know.

You can tell them anything, and they'll understand. Or they try to. And they'll be just what you need at the moment. They'll have just the right amount of support, or firmness, or interest, or advice, or rebuttal.

Oh I wonder how would that be. Close buddies. If my parents and I weren't 40 years apart, would we be more on the same wavelength? Or would things remain the same, as it's an Asian thing wtf?


Friday, August 28, 2009

While I was taking a dump just now, for whatever reason I thought of this Denmark exchange student we had at high school during Form 4.

I thought, Man she must have so damn bored attending a Malaysian high school. I wonder what she told her friends back home about our school, like how intensely boring the classes can be or how useless the teachers can get.

Evidently, no one can escape the abyss of boredom that is Malaysian high school cos when she was asked to give her farewell speech, she said she did learn something, ie how to sleep in class.

HAHAHA. Yeahhh... didn't we all learn that in high school... good times good times.

Despite how mind numbing high school was sometimes or most of the time, people always ALWAYS reminisce and say, oh how I wish I could go back to those times.

Humans are just creatures like that. Including myself, even though it contained one of the most depressed periods of my life so far. I can't even count how many times I hid in the toilet stalls crying my eyeballs out.

It was hard. It was OK. It was not bad. It was nice. It was boring. It was fun. It was stupid.

It was all those things combined, and more.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about tuition times, even though I had to cramp into the fucking bus all sweaty and tired and hot to attend tuition all bloated and sleepy. Still there's a part of me that wants to go back.

Pffft. Silly humans. Silly emotions. I wonder why do we even exist.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Apparently sometimes you do get what you want.

Today, there was blood flow wtf.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It's nearing that time of the month, and I'm officially PMS-ing.

Sigh but why still no blood one?? Faster come faster go la stupid!!!!

Is the EPO doing any good? I can't even tell.

Motherfucker. I hate being a girl.

Monday, August 24, 2009

If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's only I am allowed to call myself fat.

You see, when I say I'm fat, it's self realization and admitting to myself that I have indeed gained weight. And flab. It's NOT giving you permission to join in the fun and start calling me fat too. When another person calls you fat, of course you're insulted. There's no other way about it.

You may, however, note that I have gained weight. That I'm chubbier. Political correctness does matter in this case heh.

Again, me call myself fat = Okey dokey. You call me fat = you're basically calling me a pig.

Not only that you're calling me a pig, you're implying your superiority over me cos you're fucking skinny. Well guess what, you have no ass at all. Skinny doesn't count for shit if you're not healthy and fit. Yeah so I'm fat and you're bony, we are basically in the same category = UNFIT.

This is not actually directed to any specific person, I'm just trying to make a point here wtf.

Another thing you can do is, learn from a friend of mine and say that I look better after gaining weight AND say that maybe I should gain more.

HAHAHAHAHA. He could've been the biggest liar around but who cares, there's nothing more ego feeding than being told you can still afford to gain weight wtf.

(But he made the mistake of saying that he looks at my FB pics everyday, which made me go, "Er.... okayyy." That just sounded a teensy bit too stalkerish for me wtf.)

Another little story that I'm just gonna insert cos I wanna. Once at a class gathering, I mentioned to my guy classmate that my normal weight is usually 52-53 kg. He was fucking surprised. Shocked, even. WTF. Obviously I was heavier than him. Dude, that's cos you're so skinny! You're like a boy, not even a guy yet wtf. I could've just crushed him by sitting on him sigh.

Well point of that little anecdote was, don't be fucking surprised when a girl weighs over 50 kg and is heavier than you. Not every girl weighs like 42 kg ok. It doesn't show that I'm heavy, it just shows that you lack muscles wtf.

Anywayyy. Yes, I've gained weight since I came here. But I don't think I'm overweight. My BMI would still come up as being in the normal range. I think. Haha.

It's just that it doesn't bother me much anymore. Although I do have to find a way to cover up all the flab hmm...

Besides, I just LOVE eating too much to give up food for the sake of my waistline. Heck food, other than sleep and the Internet, is my biggest pastime here ok?

To me, growing acceptance of my flab signifies that there's one less thing that I hate about myself. Day by day, I'm just a little more accepting of my cellulite, thunder thighs and spare tyre (yes I know I need to exercise wtf but that's not the point of this post) and the fact that I'm not a petite person. Ah... doesn't that spell personal growth?

So you're asking. If you're so satisfied with your body now, why does it bother you that people call you fat then?

Well, baby steps ok. Baby steps. I may not be 100% satisfied, but I'm trying to get there. No one female is 100% satisfied. Geez, common knowledge people.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

You know what

You know what? I do realize that I incessantly and unnecessarily curse in my posts. Especially the previous post, oh man did I sound like a lumberjack or what?

The thing is, I don't curse as much in person. Cos I'm a good girl like that.

Hyeahhhhhhhh right.

No really, I curse marginally less in real life. Only marginally wtf.

But what I'm trying to get at is, even though it's typing out all the swears and being crude and vulgar on the keyboard, you gotta admit it can be a little liberating. Well this is my place to vent right.

I swear, when I was typing out the previous post, all the pent up rage at the Art Teacher, buried deep and forgotten, just surfaced and tried to burst out of my chest. Fuck! I didn't even know that I've been resenting that high school moment all these while!

Hence I lashed. Oh how I lashed.

And now, I have one less unpleasant memory buried in the recesses of my mind. One less memory from my adolescence to rant on to my therapist about. (I just know that one of these days I'll require therapy to function wtf)

Now isn't that just great?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

FuCuTard = Fucking Cunt Tard

I know, I know. It's fucking ironic that the 'busier' one is, the more updating ones blog one does. The paradox never fails to amuse me.

Let's get on to business shall we.

I was gonna read this article, 'The War on Drugs is Bullshit' by VA when the title jogged my memory down memory lane. War on drugs... why does that ring a bell somehow?

Oh fuck. I remembered.

During Form 3, I had this bitchy, nasal cunt of an Art Teacher. There was this 'Kempen Anti Dadah' going on that week I think, so naturally we had to draw up an 'Anti Dadah' poster for Art class.

Huh! Drawing a fucking poster... now that shouldn't be hard right? So I went to work like an obedient student and handed in my work the following week.

WRONG. Apparently, I got the whole idea fucking wrong. Instead of an 'Anti Dadah' poster, I was supposed to draw something to the effect of saying 'I'm a poster that doesn't make fucking sense! Remind yourself of what a douche you are. Oh, and don't do drugs'.

Apparently, what the Cunt wanted was a "positive poster". Something that contained only positive images like KL Tower, KLCC and the Monorail, because oh no, you're not supposed to draw anything drug related on an 'Anti Dadah' poster, DUH.

Ok, let me pause for awhile here and let you mull over that for a minute. If you don't see a problem with that then I'd kindly ask you to go. fuck. yourself.

Let me illustrate. What the Cunt complimented was something like this:


*breathes in*breathes out*

Apparent-fucking-ly, I wasn't as obedient as I thought, as I was the only one who came up with something like this (sans dialogue wtf):

(In case you can't figure out what the fuck I drew, the yellow circles were drug pills, ie the hands were throwing them into the fire HAHA. In the battlefield WTF this kid was intensely sword fighting a bad ass humanized syringe WTFFFF.)


Admittedly, it was fucking and mind-blowingly lame. But hello at least it made fucking sense bitch!

Hello the kid is actually doing some work and fighting off drugs! Why not give a round of applause to his valiant effort instead of chastising his innocent artist in front of the whole class bitch?

Fucking bitch. She showed the picture to the whole class and proceeded to blab on about how ridiculous it was. That I gave the syringe legs and hands! And eyes too! What is this?? Why does this student have some semblance of an imagination?? Why didn't she just draw turgid sky scraping penises (aka Petronas Twin Tower) like I asked the class to?

Fine, bitch. I didn't listen to your stupid instructions. But you know what you gave me in the end?

A fucking 'A'. Maybe even an 'A+'.

Contradicting much?

Fuck you, stupid bitch.

You should've been grateful I didn't draw what a real 'stay-away-from-drugs' poster should look like. Have you even seen one? Real life people with injection scars looking worse than Death itself and all that shiznit. Oh yeah you should've been grateful, the Cunt.

For all she knows, a Pro-Abstinence poster is supposed to look like this:

p/s: Granted, it may not have been her idea for us to draw a "positive poster". It could've been the collective decision of all the Art teachers or whatever... she was still a fugly cynical douche. Fuck her.

Tat woes


In yet another bout (more like decade) of procrastination, I'm wondering what should I get as my next tattoo.

Fuck, I have 3 tests next week, and this is what's plaguing my mind. I'm freaking itching to get another tattoo, goddammit. But as much as I wanna get inked again, I can't seem to figure out what the hell to get.

Mainly, I think it's because I don't have a discernible passion to call my own. I got my first cos well, it was more about giving tribute to the spirit of rock. Breaking rules, not kowtowing to authority, not giving a damn, being freaks of nature and still not giving a damn. And yeah inside of us all, however tiny it may be, don't we possess dreams to be a rock star? Hah.

And I thought of getting a guitar to go with it, but it would've been too big for comfort so I chickened out sigh. Plus there wasn't any design that particularly caught my eye.

This itch is not being help with the fact that my thought process is fucking all over the place.

Fast forward to the present, I'm still considering a guitar. On my right hip. Now I'm thinking, what justice will that do to me? Will I eventually learn how to play the electric guitar? I'm not a fucking rock star. What justice will that do to the tat? Years down the line, when I'm still mediocre as crap, what significance will the tat bring to me? That I once thought the electric guitar was the shiznit? Will I still feel that by then? Oh oh why not get the guitar at my back like I originally thought of? Difference is this time I won't chicken out right? Then! Then, I can save my hip for another type of tat some more!


Other than the guitar, I was thinking of getting a trail of stars embellishing my 'ROCK'. Hmm but a bit cliche right? And again, I'm not a fucking rock star. But wait a min, must I be a rock star to get that kind of tat?

I want to get an image this time, but fuck I dunno what to get! Argharghargh... a beaten down fairy? Cliche, and I'm not kinkybluefairy. It was a picture I drew some time ago... but still where to put it? Hip seems kinda wrong. Shoulder blade? Hmm but then it'll be on the same canvas with my 'ROCK'. Doesn't seem compatible either. Oh shit did I just determine the theme for my whole back with my first tat? Shit.


Just now, I thought of getting a quote. Cos dude, you can't really go wrong with quotes. BUT, I'm like not well read enough to have a quote ready that I totally can relate to and want it on my body no matter what. Fuck again. Scour the Web for an inspirational quote and call it a day? Wouldn't that be too forced? Too deliberate? I want it to come sorta natural, you know.

Then I thought of getting a Chinese quote, perhaps. So I thought of what Chinese proverbs do I still remember from my high school days, the good old '名句精华's. What came to mind was tadaaa.... '哀莫大于心死'. Man, this is so apt. I really wouldn't mind having this on my bod. Loosely translated it means, there's no bigger sorrow than being dead inside. Than losing all hope. Loosely translated la. Yeah, I can relate to that.

So should I? Where?

On my ribcage Ala Megan Fox? But damnnn that'll be painful. Way more painful than my first one.

So, should I??

Wait, that's not it. THEN, I started drawing a picture to go with the saying, a beaten down nubile naked girl wtf, actually similar to the beaten down fairy I drew years ago.

So I went on, wondering... should I put wings? Fuck that's cliche right!... but nothing says beaten down more than broken wings wtf. Again I went fuck! how many millions of people out there have angel tats I ask you? Dig deep bitch!


Hmm.. maybe I should draw a beaten down devil instead? Nothing much, just add the little tail WTF.

Fuck, I hate myself.

Wait no! This is not the end!

And for whatever reason, I began drawing mermaids. I suppose I thought that opposed to angels, mermaids are not as cliched. Besides, I've always had this fascination over mermaids. Imagine if they were real man. Beautiful creatures of the sea, living in a totally different world than ours. I also can't get over how tragic the Little Mermaid's story is.

Like, why didn't the prince fall in love with her? Why did she have to jump back into the sea and turn into foam? Granted, she could earn a soul, but that would take her what, 300 years (If I remember correctly)?? Fuck! I'll give her my soul wtf humans don't deserve it anyway.

Sigh. You see I had these story books at home. Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Rumpelstiltskin and so on. I loved the illustrations. Particularly Little Mermaid's. Cos fuck, she was damn beautiful aight! Especially the one pic where she was dancing. I still remember that her feet hurt when she walked, let alone dance. But still, she was the best dancer there. She also gave away her voice. All for the prince to fall in love with her.

But FUCK! The prince went and married the stupid princess! My God. Tragic much?? Whyyy??

Fuck. I'm so digressing.

Er, so yeah. That's how the little mermaid made such an impression on me.

Sigh. Now I still dunno what to get and have to go cook dinner.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Titles are stupid and pointless

Gems from a speech Tucker Max gave at Ohio State:

"But instead of manning up and attempting to actually write a better book, I did what all envious people who abandon their dreams do when they see someone succeed where they are afraid of trying: I hated on him."

Haha, man don't we all do this? If it's not hatred then it'll be freakin' jealousy or envy...

"I had bought into the system so fully, and abandoned my passion for so long, I no longer believed in it or in myself. It just didn't seem realistic that I could do it."

This totally sounds like me and drawing T_T. Sigh.

"I had been sold a lie. Life was not about going to the right schools and getting the right jobs just so I work a job I hate in order to accumulate more crap I don't want or need. That's not how life was meant to be lived. There is another way. I can be the man I want to be, I can do the things I want to do and I can live the life I want to live...I just have to stop believing the lies I have been sold, and stop caring what all those people think who don't matter, and find the courage to go out and do it."

"The only thing stopping ultimately me."

Yeah. Is there anymore to say?

"But guess what? A funny thing happens when you cast off all the bullshit everyone dumps on you, and just live for yourself and follow your dreams: What it takes to get you there shows up in the finished product. When you love what you do, it shows, and people respond."

"You think I had a map to get to where I am? I had no fucking idea--I was winging it the whole time. Shit, I had to INVENT A NEW LITERARY GENRE!! There are no directions to life; you have to figure most of it out on your own. You want to live a life you love, you can't do it in a paint by numbers style--you make it either because you want to free your soul or you don't."

Freeing my damn soul. That sounds oh-so-good...
Can I wing it too?

"You don't hear this from your parents or your teachers or your friends, because they never tell you the other option. You know why? It's because they don't know it exists. They tell you that to do what everyone one else is doing, they tell you that you have to get a safe job and be like all of them, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DID."


"What's the alternative? If you don't live the life you want, what life are you living? A life you don't want."

"And if you don't want your life, why are you even getting up in the morning?"

Oh Tucker, man, I don't know. I really don't know.


On a slightly related note, I just wanna touch on a topic that has been touched to the DEATH: Stereotypes.

But nah, not the Chinese / Asian stereotypes.

I think I've said this before. About girl stereotypes. That oh, girls have to be soft-spoken, demure, fucking gentle, wear skirts all the time etc etc all that shit.

And you know what? The major group of people who fucking cling on to this stereotype would be parents.

Sigh. Why can't they just accept that not all girls are prude and freakishly girly? Girls cannot be vulgar one meh? Must be fucking si man one meh?

That day on MSN, my mum suddenly went, (not verbatim)

"Girl, dad say don't use wtf anymore"


"girl wor"


Wait, again.


The "girl wor" really made me go "......"


First of all, I don't even know where my dad saw me using 'wtf' before wtf. FB? Ah whatever. Using wtf is already like breathing for me. Even though I try not to use in the presence of my parents I guess I slipped anyway, out of habit wtf.

And then, I didn't even try to explain that my usage of wtf is just for punctuation. I'm not actually cursing also what wtf. Well the bigass red WTF above is of course, cursing (=.=). Cos I knew that she won't get it. Of course she won't. So to save energy and time, I just went, "Yea noted"

Aih. I don't even know where to go with this. I can so imagine my dad going "you're a girl you know, bla bla bla"

Why ar? Why must people perpetuate these stereotypes, especially Asians?

I don't get it. I just wanna fucking face Stereotype in the face and rip it apart with my Wolverine claws wtf.

Or, maybe I should just change my sex wtf. Get rid of my boobs and get a fucking penis. By then when I go 'wtf' what would my parents say? "You're a guy wei, don't be so vulgar lah." WTF who do I have to screw around here to earn the right to curse then?? Har har you tell me???

GAHHHHH I'm starting to ramble.

Man, I don't even wanna know how would they react when they find out bout my tat.

Getting back to Tucker's speech, I may not know what I want in life exactly, but I do know this.

I wanna be able to get inked wherever I want without worrying about my parents' reaction can! Or whether it'll affect my future employment wtf? Fuck this shit. For that matter, I don't even wanna have a job that has any stigma towards tats.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Oh my Gawddddddddddddddddddd.....

I can't believe I just spent the last half an hour? obsessing over Mariah Carey's Obsessed wtfff..

I just had this melody fucking stuck in my head and had no idea what song was that so I got obsessed trying to figure it out. I had no lyrics, no idea who's the singer, no nothing. Youtube --> Lady Gaga? Nope. Madonna wtf? Nope. Nicole Sherzinger? Noppeee. Britney Spears wtf?? Nooooo....

So I tried Googling 'top hits' wtf cos I'm pretty sure it's a current song... and when I saw Mariah Carey 'Obsessed' it fucking struck me. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! Mariah Carey give me back my youth man!!! Damn you, 'Obsessed' chorus wtf for annoyingly getting repeated in my head!!!!


Thursday, August 06, 2009

Sorry for the multiple posts in one day. Not sure why I'm apologizing but... whatever.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

OMG Twilight sucks like big time. Like 'Ugh-why-am-I-putting-myself-through-this-shit awful'. 'Why-am-I-still-watching-this-shit' awful. 'Oh Goddddd *pukeeeee*'. Yeah, it sucks like that.

Man, I don't even get what was all the fucking hype about? Girls went crazy over Robert Pattinson? OMG I'm sorry but I don't find him hot at all. Hello there are way hotter guys out there please... are you people blind?

The story was stupidly simple. And stupid. The acting, sub par. The dialogue... omg words cannot describe the dialogue. Puke-inducing... dumbass... mind-deflating (really I felt my already not very high IQ level decline just by listening to that shit)

Edward: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb"

Bella: "What a stupid lamb"

Edward: "What a sick, masochistic lion"

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG MY EARS!!!! MY BRAIN!!!!

If I were at the set I would've bitchslapped the fuck out of those two wtf. Was that from the novel? Oh fuck I hope not. It's so fucking stupid that it burnt a hole in my skull and unfortunately I will remember it longer than medically permissible wtf.

The only character I rooted for was probably Bella's father, the Sheriff. Just because he seems nice. And less dumb.

AND, apparently, vampires glitter when they're hit by sunlight. Bella said that's beautiful. WTF fuck you lah that's fucking pansy!!!! Vampires are not fucking Halloween glam rock costumes or handmade cards by kindergartners!!! They are not supposed to glitter! They're supposed to scream in agony when their skin burst into flames under sunlight you hear me?!

Pfffft Twilight. I went through the whole fucked up movie cos I had nothing better to do / was too bored / wanted to see what all the hooha was about. Plus, you know what they say about accidents and it being horrifying but you just can't stop looking. I mean I could have just stopped it after the first 10 minutes. But I was hoping that maybe later there was some redeeming quality in it. Well the answer was no.

Unfortunately I can't call Twilight fans douchebags cos my best friend loved it T_______T. Why oh why???? She said that Edward would appear progressively hotter throughout the movie. Another reason why I stuck through it. Once again the answer was no. Sigh I'm sorry but the only way that spastic could become hotter is if he transformed into Wentworth Miller ok?

And there's a new movie coming out... New Moon is it? Well that's one movie I'm never gonna watch even with a gun pointed at my temple wtf.
I just read pinkpau's blog, and can't help but to feel that I can relate to that. Granted, what a reader said in her comment was true, ie "I don’t know what you’re going through except than what you reveal here.", what we are experiencing may not be the same but what we're feeling could be similar nevertheless.

She used to be so chirpy, and happy and it was like she was capable of facing the world and doing anything. I really admired her gung-honess and spirit, but now her updates have become sparse and less... well, happy. Makes me wonder, if even such a person with great spirit could get eroded by life, is there any hope left for the rest of us?

Sometimes I wonder, what went wrong? What happened to me? Was I always like this? What did I do wrong? Heck, I'm only 19 and already numb as fuck! Is it supposed to be that way? Do we all eventually become jaded and numb?

I don't know if perhaps I have a genetic disposition to not being enthused all the time wtf, cos really, my family ain't the most cheerful bunch of all. Maybe that's why I have a tendency to get beaten down, to be overcome with melancholy. Or maybe it's just hormones and I have unusually long PMSes wtf, who knows. But that's all I've got, a bunch of "maybe"s. I don't really know.

When I'm in class, attending lectures or tutorials, it just feels that each time a little part of me dies inside. Not to sound dramatic but that's just what comes to mind. Cos really, I don't give a fuck about what I'm studying, I'm not interested whatsoever.

Yesterday, my friend and I were waiting at the bus stop, and a random lady came by with her baby. And some Caucasians (especially the older ones) just like to do what Asians would probably never do, chat with a stranger at the bus stop wtf. Anyway, blablabla and she asked my friend, "What are you planning to do in the future?" (Something like that) so friend answered "Accounting" lah.

The lady replied, "Oh, how boring ... (her tone made it sound like the most boring profession in the world, which it probably is -_-)" I sat there and just wanted to nod and say, "I couldn't agree more" emphatically.

And after that she started singing to her baby like a crazy lady. (Wtf no la just adding a pointless sentence)

In the midst of staying afloat, of just existing, it seems that my passion for reading has dwindled. I think it's not completely wiped out yet, I still imagine an afternoon of lying down and reading a book as perfectly pleasant. It's just that, when I read for leisure nowadays, I'm just too restless. As if there's something else better to do, as if I'm actually wasting my time. *Gasp* I'm sorry but I do not want to become a creature too restless for reading! *cries*

Sigh. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, my thoughts are just all over the place right now.

Oh and I also wonder, is this just a phase? Will I ever stop feeling like this? If it's just a phase, then heck it's a hell of a long phase. I've been feeling or un-feeling this way for a long longgg time, wondering when is it ever gonna stop or am I gonna go through life like sigh, this.

And you know what the saddest thing is? I don't even know what I really want to be, as opposed to being an accountant. I don't even have a specific dream that I live for, that I one day hope to achieve. I suppose I possess somewhat of a talent in drawing, but so what? So do millions of other people around. Where would that teensy bit of talent take me? FFS, there are so many others way better than me.

Once I realized that, I realized that I'm probably good for nothing then. I realized that I'm at the bottom rung of the Artistic People Hierarchy. Like, I belong with the untouchables in the hierarchy wtf.

I think that one of the reasons why I didn't really really fight to do Arts (as in threaten to run away and sleep under bridges when parents didn't let me), other than the reason that I didn't know which Arts course to take, was deep down I was afraid that I would find out during the course of my studies that I wasn't that artistically good at all.
That I would have to face the fact that all I had was very little talent, and nothing more. I was afraid of being stripped away of the one thing that made me, me. Of the one thing that I felt I was remotely good at.

And so, here I am today. Sitting in a country where my feet are almost constantly cold, putting away homework and skipping classes. There haven't been updates because there's nothing much to blog about. I haven't been thinking much at all. I think 99.9% of my brain is practically going to waste. The fact is there is so much this world could offer, but I'm just too lazy? unmotivated? apathetic? to participate.

There haven't been updates because it'll be the same old, same old 'I feel numb' stuff (kinda oxymoron wtf), and I don't wanna risk sounding like whiny old bitch. I know, I should be grateful, I should be more appreciative of all these. Heck, from a third person's vantage point, my life really isn't that bad, so what the hell are you whining about? I know, believe me I do.

I won't give excuses trying to justify my whininess, I guess I'm just a whiny person wtf. Gosh aren't you sick of the word whiny already wtf.

But I'm updating today, after reading pinkpau's post and her readers' comments and post, cos I'm reassured that I'm not alone in this. There are also people tired of life and are beaten down emotionally, although they're not 'unfortunate' in traditional terms. It's just how life operates. Life does screw everyone.

1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
3. dissipated

Overwork? Overuse? Fuck I haven't been doing anything for the past few weeks and even so I still feel jaded wtf. How is that possible?

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Tell Me,

Why do I have the attention span of a freaking peanut?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Many of us didn't know her personally, yet we know that Malaysia has lost a wonderful icon as her work has managed to touch our hearts and shown what an insightful person she is.

I can't imagine what her close family and friends are even going through right now.

You will surely be missed, RIP Yasmin Ahmad.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I think I'll develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or something, not from being a diligent hardworker completing work using the computer 24/7,

but from incessant playing of Spider Solitaire and Freecell wtf.

Now that, is just saaaaaad...

Sunday, June 14, 2009


Guess what I'm doing?

Well guess what I'm NOT doing. Studying wtf...



- Youtube
- Eat
- Piss
- Eat some more
- Read blogs
- Rewatch videos for the gazillionth time
- Find stuff to download

Oh guess what's not on the list?

STUDY wtf.

Again, epic PHAIL.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Do you go 'Whoa' when you realize that you spent the whole day doing nothing but eat, sleep, watch downloaded shows and chores?

Today was one of those days...

Friday, May 01, 2009

I think

I successfully burnt my tongue today wtf...

that today was another day pretty much gone to waste...

that I ate enough for three today...

I miss home...
The sad thing is, my English proficiency level has either deteriorated or has remained stagnant since high school.

And that, doesn't make me happy :(((.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Woe is me II

I can't even count the times I've accidentally cut myself while using the knife anymore T_T

My hands are like covered with minor cuts and scars. By the rate I'm going... I don't even wanna think about what's gonna happen WTF. (maciam banyak serious like that wtf)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Woe is me

*clicks on URL*

"Wtf STIL haven't updated??? How long has it been already? Not doing Project 365 one meh??"

*Sees date*

"Eh? This was yesterday's post? Why do I feel like I've seen it a million times already?"

Realize, "That's because I have T_______T"

Such is the pathetic existence that is me. Revisiting blogs a million times a day. T___T

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Fuck this shit!

I might just declare this blog dead. Sigh...

Thursday, April 09, 2009



Why do good things happen AFTER I'm freakin miles away?? First Jason Mraz now this? Holy shit guacamole!

Wonder how much would they be selling the damn awesome doughnuts for? Maybe it'll be cheaper to get them here pulak wtf.

Sigh. KK absolutely pwns all the other doughnuts out there. Other doughnut selling outlets at Times Square, prepare to go bankrupt wtf.

*teary eyed* The thought of Krispy Kreme in KL just makes me all fuzzy and warm inside. Wtf. So happy :)))

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Tak Boleh

Fuck this shit!

I simply CANNOT get this outta my head!


HAHA so damn sohai. FotC FTW, totally.

Side note: Also CANNOT seem to concentrate on all these words and numbers jumping out at me from these damn textbooks. Le sigh. Bestow some concentration upon me please wtf!

Friday, April 03, 2009

Long ing

Got this from an email:

The battle between the common Malay and UMNO is just beginning :

Cry my beloved Malay soul
AB Sulaiman

When Alan Paton wrote 'Cry The Beloved Country' he was lamenting over
the inhumanity of man over man, of how the whites can devise,
construct and implement race- and colour-based social and economic
injustices over the blacks in apartheid-era South Africa. The whole
world had condemned this practice; we (Malaysian Government) were
among the loudest screaming against it.

South Africa has moved on since then, and today it is one shining
example of an emancipated, open and progressive country, enjoying a
respectable place in the community of nations. It has thrown apartheid
into the bins of its history.

Here in Malaysia, yes we condemn apartheid, and quite rightly so. But
in the same breath we were and are still its major proponent our
version of apartheid. We do not call it apartheid; of course not. We
call it instead 'Ketuanan Melayu' under the guise of 'championing
Malay rights,' and implementing it under the New Economic Policy
(NEP). It's smart, right ? In none of them does the word 'apartheid'
appear !

Yes, we are smart. We do not blatantly call it apartheid, we merely
perfected the process of social separation. First of all we ensure the
great majority of civil servants, the police, and the military are
manned by Malays (the target benefactors). We give them good salaries,
good perks and assured employment. We then devise rules and
regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP's easy implementation.
We then brainwash our Malay brethren with the notion 'untuk agama
bangsa dan negara' that there is a higher ideal beyond performing a
duty with professionalism and dedication, and that is doing things in
the name of religion and race.

We devise rules and regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP's
easy implementation. Then we design and implement social and economic
policies like channeling lucrative government contracts, separate
education streams, housing rebates, banking and financial support, in
favour of, you guessed it, the Malays.

It does not stop there. We devise measures to prevent the people from
raising too much objections to all these by introducing or continuing
legislation and religiously implementing them. The Sedition Act for
example stops people from talking too much about language and
religion. The Official Secrets Act prevents people from gaining access
to government files. Students and lecturers are not allowed to discuss
and make public any subject that would appear to be critical to
government (yes, government, not political) policies and philosophies.
All publications must, first of all, get operating licences.
Newspapers must not only get a licence before publishing but it must
be renewed every year.

Sacrifices conveniently forgotten
The king of all of the suppressive and oppressive laws is the Internal
Security Act, when a citizen can be put under detention without the
benefit of any charge ! All said and done, we sacrifice the rule of
law in favour of rule by private individuals. To show that we are
really smart, we pooh pooh the loyalty and patriotism of the non-Malay
segment of the population.

We call them pendatang or immigrants bearing the stigma that they are
social discard from their original country, similar to rogues,
rascals, refugees, mercenaries and scoundrels. We just ignore their
proven talent and ability in wealth creation and economic
productivity, as well as to their demonstrated loyalty and patriotism.
Many of such pendatangs have made the ultimate sacrifices as military
personnel defending its security, during the Emergency, the
Confrontation period with Indonesia and as policemen while policing
the social environment. They have contributed and are continuing to,
in sport and the arts. Their record as loyal and patriotic Malaysians
is quite impeccable. But we do not really care.

The perplexing thing is that despite these attributes and positive
records of the non-Malays, we are still going about championing and
implement apartheid principles. In this new year, perhaps we can do
with a little reflection: why are we doing all this?

We do this apparently to recover our lost soul. We perceive that we
have been victims of colonisation when the Portuguese, Dutch and
British colonisers all but butchered the Malay entity, psychology and
culture. In the process we perceive that we have lost our Malay
With independence, we thought we could recapture the lost glory of
Malay suzerainty by becoming masters of all facets of a nation,
especially its commerce, and economy. We found out that the Chinese
community had beaten us to it. We felt the Chinese had capitalised on
our weakness and captured the economic initiatives (and wealth) as
well as the social characteristics of the country. We lost 'face'.

Now we want to regain the mertabat or dignity and pride of the Malay
race! Yes, we feel that we have to recover our soul and it is here
that we are reminded of Paton's book title, but in this case suitably
paraphrased to – cry my beloved Malay soul. Our Malay soul needs to
cry for doing the right thing for the wrong reason or the wrong thing
for the right reason; even for the wrong thing for the wrong reason,
but not for the right thing for the right reason.

To start with colonisation is really not an excuse for our
psychological malaise and ineptitude. Colonisation has been a feature
of human history and felt all over the world. There are very few
countries that have not been colonised in the world. It is thus a
neutral concept in human social and economic development. It is
certainly not an impediment to social or economic progress as we are
wont to portray it. We should dump this notion that we hold dear into
the bin of history.

Rethinking our way of thinking
Just look at the records. The Koreans were once colonised by the
Japanese, but today Korea is an industrial power house. Singapore was
once colonised by the British and was indeed a part of us, and today
we see this tiny country being a solid financial, trading and
industrial entity. Most pointedly of all, the US was once a British
colony and today it is the mightiest nation in the world. Our second
grouse - that the Chinese have cornered the economic sector of the
country also needs re-looking into, on two counts.

First, the Chinese did not become successful based on any conscious
and concerted economic programme to economically marginalise us.
We did this self-inflicted wound ourselves. As proof, we have to note
that most of the Chinese came to our shores with only their feet,
hands, guts and brains and perhaps a bundle of clothes, nothing more.
They become successful for their hard work, both physically and
mentally and for the sacrifices they were prepared to make and had
undertaken. They were successful for having the mental fortitude to
seek opportunities, grab those that come along and worked extra hard
to realise the potentials of these opportunities.

Secondly, we have been given a chance to be equal with them, both
under numerous 'special privileges' enshrined in the Constitution, as
well as under its NEP implementation programme. The special privileges
have always been in the constitution while the latter began in 1970.
In short, we have been given the chance - the opportunity - many times
over, to better our Malay polity. Whereas the Chinese had to struggle
just to find and identify the opportunities, in our case they were
handed to us on a silver platter! Thus far we have failed to
capitalise adequately on them. It rather shameful we missing out on
these chances specially created for us in the first place.

Either way the root cause of our weaknesses and the strength of the
Chinese lies in two words - positive thinking. Our thinking is mired
with so many dos and don'ts, so many musts and musn'ts, so many cans
and cannots, may and may nots, plenty enough to created and
internalise doubts and fears in our minds. So much so that we have
doubt over what we can and what we can't do, what is allowed and what
is not. We spend a lifetime looking for these highly complex cans and
cannots, musts and must nots, that we have hardly any mental energy
left to develop and self-confidence to get on and face the realities
of life.

Let's refer to this case as the 'can't don't and won't syndrome'. The
Chinese by the way are not encumbered by such syndromes. What appears
to have happened is that this syndrome has affected our mental ability
to conceptualise. We see things on the straight and narrow. We accept
wisdoms handed down to us by our elders as the gospel truth.

Blinded by sentiment
We do not see that things can be seen and interpreted in many
alternative ways. We feel we have the monopoly on truth; we therefore
think that we are right all the time and other people are wrong all
the time. Witness the way we see religion for example.
We think that we as Muslims are right and other people who profess
other religions are wrong, all the time.

We need to cry for thinking that we can and have doctored the way the
people think and do things. We have been intimidating the people with
what they can read or write or think and do. We seem to be saying "you
can think anything, do anything, write anything so long as it does not
criticise or condemn the government".

Soul-searching and resuscitating is not or should not be about
pointing accusing fingers at some bogeys. That would be a most
negative thing to do. It would be better for us to be open-minded and
be able to identify our own strengths and weaknesses. We improve upon
our strengths and dump our weaknesses. Mainly we must be able to
develop the awareness that we have both the strengths and weaknesses
in the first place. To illustrate, the NEP has proved many time over
as a failed strategy for our socio-economic advancement. Let us be
aware of this in the first place and move on seeking other ways with
better chance of success. How about secularising the Malay mind? It
might make for a good start for we can see many of the don'ts, can'ts,
musn'ts dissipating into the wind. In the meantime, here we are in the
early days of a new year. We should begin by realising that whatever
'smart' moves we had undertaken all this while have not really been
that smart after all.

The joke is on us. Everybody says so – the liberated Malays, the
non-Malays, our neighbours and the rest of the international
community. Only those of us basking in our closed mind and benefiting
from the profits of the status quo say it's alright. Happy New Year
all the same and here's hoping this year we can get a good perspective
as to what propagating a good mertabat really means. It's long

In the meantime, cry my beloved Malay soul.

:( I feel so sad for my country. So much potential, so beautiful.

But wrecked and blinded by greed, corruption, dirty politics, self righteousness, closed minds.

It's home.

There's no where else I belong, no matter how many countries I visit, how hard I try to blend in.

Fact is the blood in me, is Malaysian.

Ancestors were from China, but would the Chinese accept me as one of their own with open arms?

I doubt it.

There's no place like home, really.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

What is it like?

to do things out of passion and interest,

instead of duty and obligation?

Friday, March 20, 2009

One month.


And still alive.

Can't say the same for the blog though wtf.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Wtf I'm flying off TODAY? TONIGHT?? Are you fucking kidding me wei?

Argh argh argh.

Anyway, don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Oh God tomorrow need to go out again. Aih I don't know why I agreed to it. My friend crazy one, been asking me out everyday this week T_T

I freaking love my alone time la is that so hard to understand? Spending time with myself is like the highlight of my day haha I sound like a fucking narcissist who masturbates wtf.

Yeah but it's true (not the masturbating narcissist part la haiya). I feel so fucking lazy to go out. Most of the time, if not all, I just wanna stay at home and do... stuff. Or better yet, nothing. Hello doing nothing is my absolute looove. I don't even recognize boredom anymore cos doing nothing is like the highlight of my day WTF WTF.

Yes. I've turned into this boring old hag! And I don't seem to mind. I like being invisible. Being unknown. Being low profile. Yea. *peace sign wtf*

Fucking random post before I leave wtf.

Goodbye, delicious, sinful, filling Ramly burgers. Double Special Cheese OMG FTW. I'm drooling already fuck this.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


something to be excited about wtf.

For RM300, I did something my parents would think is stupid, unforgivable, totally wasteful!

What is it, you ask?

Did I whore myself wtf?

Or did I pay some whore for carnal pleasure wtf?

NO. It's this:

(after bath)

YES I finally got inked!


(Taken after taking bandage out, pictures blur as they're cropped. Cannot show my room haha the perils of blogging anonymously wtf)

Ish I wanna put up pictures of my bloody bandage one, can see the bloody 'ROCK' outline somemore wtf. But I lazy. Heh.

How painful was it eh? Sometimes, it felt like getting sliced with a knife. Sometimes, it was bearable haha. But the artist inked a little then rubbed a little, so can tahan lah. Mine took about an hour.

Gross part:
I was sweating without even knowing it wtf. Mind you I was wearing a tube in an air-conditioned room. Mana tahu I felt the sweat travel down my arms wtf. Not a neverending current la luckily wtf. It was hardly noticeable. Ha... ha... I hope wtf *shifty eyed*.

To be honest, the 'K' is a lil bit senget haha. But do I look like I care wtf! Actually I myself can't even see it up front! It's more of being satisfied I can strike one thing off my to-do list WTF. Or, when I feel like it again, I can just get another tattoo! To cover up the sengetness, or camouflage it, or divert attention away from it whatever. Yay. I think almost definitely I'll get another one. An image. Ahhh *dreamy*

This is also a 'Fuck You' to them who want to turn all of us into mindless, conforming drones. Lanjiao go eat shit ok. I don't need your damn money wtf. _l_

Wednesday, February 11, 2009



Because a part of me wishes that I won't have the need to sleep, hence more time can be spent doing things I'm supposed to be doing.

But a part of me wants to sleep and never wake up. That's why I wake up at around late afternoon everyday when the room feels like an oven. Because it'll be too fucking hot to ignore the little voice in my head that goes "Time to fucking wake up... Ugghhh...". Because I'll be fucking sweating like nobody's business.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I'm so fucking tired of looking for a fucking place to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS SHIT LA!!!!!

Saturday, February 07, 2009



such a procrastinator!!! Delay search for house la, delay bathing la wtf, delay any research whatsoever la, delay any form of learning whatsoever la, delay this delay that... As my mum simply loves loves LOVES to say, I always DILLY-DALLY wtf.

Digressing, I think dilly-dally is THE most disgusting phrase ever! I've been bombarded with it since God-knows-when (since I started dilly-dallying and never looked back I guess wtf), so many times that I just want to fucking strangle it! And the person who came up with it. Why the fuck did you decide to torment mankind with such a disgusting, revolting phrase like dilly dally??! Have you gotten sick of the phrase yet? No? Try repeating it ten times everyday. That would be suffice to make you sick to your stomach.

Ok, so I should be surfing for some plausible places to stay. But what do I do first? Well read blogs of course wtf! And I do that every single time wtf. No matter that I just clicked on those links a few moments ago. No matter that I know those blogs won't have new posts up anytime soon. Still, I click on those bloody links. OR, I click on new links! Discover more blogs wtf! The possibilities are endless cos no worries, there are millions of blogs out there yo! And in the end, didn't manage to accomplish shit. Sigh.

What is wrong with me can someone tell me? Can you? Or you? Or you? *points everywhere even if nobody's there wtf*



learn how to be grateful yadda yadda...

not feel so stressed? (But how can one not in times like these sigh)

be excited wtf?

be calm and composed wtf.

repeat this to myself:

There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

be fearless, as a result of repeating the mantra wtf.

practice what I preach.

not avoid.



Note: Wtf this list can go on forever and ever... so I shall not continue.


don't plan things too far into the future. I don't have a list like,
By 28:
1. Get married.
2. Earn first million.
3. Buy bungalow.

1. Have kids.
2. Earn first billion.
3. Buy a continent.

You know, a list like that. I'm sure some people do.

It's just, easier to face life a day at a time. (Partly due to procrastinating nature wtf) Life just doesn't seem so heavy that way.

That's why I don't really want to look into the future, say 10 years from now, and ask where would I be. Who knows, I could be dead by then. The future is unpredictable shit, accidents can happen, sickness can happen, anything can happen.

And that is why, I'm not bervisi like other people wtf.

Or at least, that's what I tell myself.

Maybe it's also because I don't see myself advancing anywhere in life doing something I don't give two fucks about. Because I gave up, the moment I found out that life is fucked up and so is the world.

Arghhh. Think happy thoughts happy thoughts wtf.

Er er... world peace! Freedom! Rainbows! Teh tarik! Instant noodles! Ramly burgers! Chicken rice! Ba gua! KFC! Pizza! (Wtf once start with food confirm cannot stop one)

Thursday, February 05, 2009


Last November, after finals when I came back home and was immediately unpacking, my mum said, "This is not the end, you know. It's just the beginning!" (insert awkward/nervous laughter some more). Partly cos I was putting things back and she thought I should set them aside for when I head abroad instead.

That time all I felt was, "Not. Funny. At. All. -_-... just leave me alone la ugh."

Suddenly, I really am nearing that supposed beginning. Tiba-tiba jer, flung into this whole whirlwind of information, anxiety, worry, stress, fruitless search, terror, fluctuations, answerless questions, endless questions, pressure, responsibility, independence and a lot more. It's a bigass whirlwind all right.

WOI! what happened to my holiday wei?!? Why gone already one??! GIVE ME BACK MY MUTHAFUCKING HOLIDAY LA WEI!!!

Holidays. Such fleeting moments.


Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Then, Now


a new life was brought to this world.

All I would say to her if she was here is,

Welcome. But I feel sorry for you. *sigh dramatically*

Then today,

I cooked! Wtf.

Edible? Check. Didn't burn down the kitchen? Check.

Hello God you DO exist wtf, and I would like to thank you wtf.

Ok ok it was just fried rice... but first time mar.

Monday, February 02, 2009

WWUD : What Would the Unsub Do (wtf)

So well yeah today consisted of only 4 activities : Sleep. Eat. Read newspapers. Read blogs.

If bumming around is considered another activity, then make it a 5th. But personally, I think it encompasses all 4 activities. Hey, wouldn't that ultimately mean that I should have typed "today consisted of only 1 activity?"

The complexities we face. Damn.

Anyway, there was this article in the newspapers. The first paragraph contained words that immediately struck a chord in me.

..."avoiding the inevitables of life".

Ah something that I'm all too familiar with. Way too familiar.


Random thought of the day:

If I were to have an alter ego name (whatever that means), it would be Unsub. Don't you think Unsub sounds cool? Viewers of Criminal Minds would know what I'm talking about.

I had no idea what Unsub meant, didn't even put a thought to it actually. Clueless as to why the pepretrators were being called 'the Unsub'. Until I finally found out that oh it was short for Unknown Subject (of an Investigation).

But of course! What a doofus I am.


Post ends abruptly here cos don't know how to continue wtf.


I did nothing.

Absolutely nothing.


Do I sound surprised? Why do I still sound surprised at my ability to do nothing?

Sunday, February 01, 2009

You look back and wonder, what the hell happened?

Life happened.

Must life turn all of us into cynical, jaded people?

He; She : Red

She was to be frank, a little nervous. Names were being called. Why wasn't it her turn yet? That, and because it was well, a test. The mere mention of the word 'test' could make her jittery, and butterflies would start sprouting like mushrooms in her stomach. Not that it was necessary, cos she always ended up doing well.

So, she was on one of the uncomfortable plastic seats in the stuffy, cramp place. Anyone claustrophobic would be running through the door by now. But not her, she needed to concentrate. Flipping furiously through the pages of the book for the millionth time, she practically could have recited any page by memory.

The door cracked open. Everybody looked up, thirsty for a reprieve from the yellow book in their hands, to look at their newest member. Almost immediately, nearly everyone's eyes darted back to their books. He wore sleeves of tattoos, multiple piercings and a scowl. And in everyone's mind the words "BAD NEWS" flashed like a siren.

Nearly everyone. Her eyes stayed fixated on him. His feet, to be exact. They bothered her.

He scanned around the place for a seat. Seemed like the only unoccupied seat was beside the girl. The one wearing a beige knee length collared dress and yellow cardigan, and was strangely eyeing his feet doggedly. Ugh, what the heck. He thought, and planted himself on the seat.

Twiddling her thumbs, she couldn't take it anymore. It was gnawing at her system, chipping away at her nerves like a woodpecker would a tree bark. All her life, she was one to follow the rules and regulations, never questioning them. A good old law abiding citizen. Hence, she just had to be the good Samaritan.

He was examining his fingernails when she cleared her throat. He didn't suspect anything. Didn't have time to, really and was totally caught off guard. All of a sudden, he was thrown into the abyss of what known to humans as "Conversation".

"Excuse me, Mister..." Ever the polite. "Sorry to bother you but, maybe you didn't notice... the sign on the door says that slippers are not allowed?" Her face painted a picture of total earnestness. Her finger pointed to his flip flops, one of the many pairs that he own.

He was taken aback. Unsure of how to respond. He could have flipped her the middle finger like how he would usually do in these situations, but there was something about her that suppressed that reflex of his. Was it her big doe eyes? The way she bit her lips? The way she regarded him like he was any other normal person? How she called him 'Mister'?

Ah, he was intrigued. And struggling to come up with a response. Thus, he went "So?" nonchalantly, without even moving his lips.

"So? So, you may be forbidden from taking the test!" She blurted out as if it was preposterous that she needed to tell him that. She emphasized the word 'forbidden' a tad too much though. "Are you here to take the test anyway? You seem kinda erm, mature." Seconds later, her eyes widened in realization. "Is it cos your license was exterminated (she couldn't think of a better term at that moment)?" Hell, she was on a roll.

"Er." What the fuck. "Yeah, you can say that."

"But why?"


"Oh." She continued, "You really shouldn't drink and drive, you know."

No response, only a slight grunt. Why is she still talking to me?

Not a conversationalist, huh. Oh well. She returned to her book.


A few moments later, finally her name was called. "PC SATU!!!"

Number one! A good sign
. She grinned inwardly. She stood up, not forgetting to turn back to the taciturn one and chirp, "Wish me luck!" All she got was a reluctant "Yea" in return.


Less than 10 minutes was all it took. She grabbed her bag and headed out of the room to get her results printed. 49 over 50. She was pleased, but she could have done better, she told herself.


Before she left, she glanced at him and smiled, wondering if he would smile back. Surprisingly, his features softened, just for a sec. The corners of his mouth curled up, just a wee bit. Evidently, he wasn't one who was used to the expression of smiling.


That, was their first encounter. An encounter that occurred at where mostly teenagers took their Undang test.

Neither of them thought that they would meet again. Not anytime soon, not ever.

But oh, how they were so wonderfully wrong.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Once upon a time, these people wanted me to go to the Uni of Merlin to further my studies. It was as if, it was the only university worth going to. Like other universities weren't worth their time of the day. Uni of Merlin... Uni of Merlin... endless discussions and soliloquy about it. Like other universities didn't even exist.

There's a sensation I've gotten familiar with. Which is hearing about one thing so often, you get sick of it. You don't even wanna go near it or acknowledge it anymore. You just get plain sick of it. So yes I got sick of hearing about Merlin. And now, I'm not going there, as much as these people wanted me to.

I have no idea if this other uni I'm heading to may suck less than Merlin or suck the same extent. Heck it could suck way more. It's not really about that. My choosing to go to this uni was more like sticking it to "The Man". You know? It's more about 'Hah! Take that! I'm not going where all you people ask / expect / want me to go to. So suck on that, bitches.'

Who knows, perhaps a few months down the line, peers at Merlin would be gloating after all cos they're having such an awesome time there. And me living in hell where I would be. But fuck it, it's about sticking it to "The Man" ok.

Dewey Finn: Those kids have a rare blood disease: "Stick-it-to-da-man-noisis".
Battle of the Bands director: What's that? I've never heard of it.
Dewey Finn: You're lucky. Because it's hell.

Haha. Man, I love School of Rock.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Comfort food :Defined as food that gives emotional comfort to the one eating it, these tend to be favorite foods of childhood, or linked to a person, place or time with which the food has a positive association.

The equivalent of comfort food in terms of emotions? Fucking dulan.

In other words, it's

wolfing down a mass of cake even though you can't even taste it anymore.

devouring forkful over forkful just for the sake of stuffing yourself silly.

cutting a piece of cake into half just to finish all of it anyway.

thinking that carbs are gonna make you feel better, when all they do is the opposite.

Why all that? Cos you're fucking dulan. That's why ok.

I have to keep telling myself to "suck it all up!" "breathe in... breathe out..."

Have to remind myself that hey, it'll all be over soon. I think wtf.

But man, how to make the constant yakking stop, I don't know.

Hmph. No more cake for me wtf.

Wah lan eh. What am I supposed to do now. I just wanna sleep now T_T. Sleepy lah dei.