Thursday, January 31, 2008

TGI(Gonna Be)F?

Today is the day before Friday.

WTF.

It's Thursday and tomorrow I'll be going home and thus follows a week long of holiday.

I don't feel much. Except for extreme laziness of course. I've started to follow my instinct to neglect homework and college related stuff wtf. I am the queen procrastinator, after all.

I'm not really in the CNY mood... cos things haven't been festive for me wtf. Let's see if that changes during the holiday. I doubt lah. Since I'm sure... damn sureee I'll be reminded of my homework wtf.

Sumore I have to figure out where to get a second hand GC. Le sigh.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

MCHCCBKNN

To the motherfucker who stole my graphic calculator AND my money,

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not good at cursing people. So I'll leave it to the experts (e.g. Fireangel).

Lesson learnt.

Monday, January 28, 2008

After The End WTF

Oh well. Guess I'm still alive after all.

So I've confirmed that NO ONE reads my blog. Since it was obvious that the previous post was my last words or something. HAHAHA. How pathetic! I was gonna kill myself and I left some words on mah blog and still, ZERO COMMENTS. HAHAHAHA. Which also makes it totally safe for me to post ANYTHING in this blog! Yay!

I dunno if I should feel happy or dissapointed wtf.

Anyway the previous post was thought up during one of those majorly depressed and gloomy moments. It's to prepare for the possibility of actual suicide, you see.

Sometimes one just feels oh so so so so tempted to jump. It's very very high up here. A sure death, I must say.

The problem's not actually with MY life, it's just I'M the fucking problem. I. JUST. SUCK. AT. LIVING. NO MATTER WHAT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND HAPPINESS. Don't you think it's my fucking problem??? I'M the source of my problems.

Maybe not that much is wrong with my life, maybe I'm wayyyyy luckier than a whole lot of other people, maybe I'm blessed with so many things that others can only dream of. Well, somehow, I am aware of this.

But still, I AM DEPRESSED. I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION. Why? HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW???

Don't you think it's better that the Earth is rid of some ungrateful, whiny, depressed cretin bitch like me??? DON'T YOU??? HUH???

Wtf. Who am I talking to anyway. Pfffft.

And by the way, IS MY NEW BLOG TEMPLATE FUCKING KICKASS OR WHAT???!!!

WHO'S YOUR DADDY? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

HAHAHA doesn't Gerard look so so so HOT? And Frank? OOO LA LA~~

Sigh I miss them.

Wtf I should have totally customized my template earlier wtf.

Sumore, my friend actually asked me to watch National Geographic Channel to realize how lucky I am. HAHAHAHAHA that really made me laugh lor wtf! Imagine someone all suicidal and all that, weeping his/her eyes out... snot dripping everywhere wtf, and his/her friend beside shouts at him/her to WATCH THE FREAKIN' NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL DAMNIT! WATCH ALL THOSE AFRICAN CHILDREN STARVING AND DISEASED!!! And then the suicidal person would be forced to watch (while eating popcorn wtf).

I dunno why but the thought of that scene just made me laugh lor! HAHAHA wtf...

Anyway, do you think watching National Geographic would actually help get rid of my suicial tendencies? NO LOR!!! Wtf... Sigh malas nak argue wtf.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Before The End

I feel like jumping off. Or leaning over till I drop. So that it looks like an accident.

I've always wanted to jump. I want to feel the wind against my skin. I want to feel the LIBERATION. The feeling of freedom at last, in this restricive society.

What will go through my mind when I'm falling? Regret? Peace at last? Well there's only one way to find out.

People'll ask, what made her jump? What was her OBSTACLE? Couldn't it be solved?

Well, her obstacle was LIFE I guess. So how do you overcome life?

I don't enjoy living. I just suck at living.

Life SUCKS. And that's an unavoidable reality.I guess I'm just tired of that.

Life IS suffering, so the Buddhists say. So why not let it end earlier?

I've never known what it means to live life the fullest, and I guess I won't have a chance to find out now.

I chose the cowardly way out. I'm a coward, I admit it. Are you angry at me because of that or because you don't have the guts to do the same?

Ironic. That it takes guts to perform a cowardly action.

This won't matter. Friends and family will eventually move on. They'll get on with their lives. My demise won't bring any impact.

I'm tired. I'm sick of this. I wanna leave.

Sayonara people.
***
I'm falling
Down...
Down...
Down.
***
I'm leaning
Leaning...
Leaning...
Whoops.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

1 2 3

I is back. Just felt like blogging.

Well, nothing much that I can think of right now. Except.

IS IT FUCKING HOT OR WHAT???? I'M SWEATING ALL OVER!!!!

And I'm also in dire need for a haircut. My hair's like having its own agenda or something. Not long and not short. I look like a freaking lion. If only I'm not so lazy to haul my ass to a barber's chair.

Speaking of barber... WHO WANTS TO GO WATCH SWEENEY TODD??

It has Johnny Depp in it bebeh! Singing! OOO LA LA~~ NOT TO BE MISSED!

What else?

Oh yeah.

I IS FUCKING HOT!!!!!!!!! WHAT KIND OF WEATHER IS THIS LA???

Sumore! I wanna go to Jakarta on the 31st!!! MCR is having a concert there!!! ARGHHHH!!! I WANNA GO I WANNA GO I WANNA GO!!! Can anybody sponsor me??? And take care of my accomodation, transportation and all the shiznit??

OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

*sob sob* Not being independant sucks. If I were already working, I would have booked a flight ticket to Jakarta by now. Le sigh.

Side note: Really lor! I feel like I'm becoming more and more juvenile! What is with this reverse growth? HOMG is it my super power? I should totally be in HEROES! By the time I'm 20 something I should be acting like a kindergarten-er! What is the purpose of this super power I have yet to figure out.

Over reaction

Oh ya, although I is very sleepy now, I still wanna ask a question. That I'm sure runs through many people's minds.

WTF ARE ALL THESE 'KEBISINGAN' OVER FAIZAL TAHIR'S LIL STRIPTEASE PERFORMANCE???

WHY WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL MADE OUT OF THAT??? HUH HUH HUH HUH?

He's supposed to be a rock star right? And what do rock stars do? THEY INDULGE IN SEX! AND DRUGS! AND TAKE OFF THEIR FUCKING SHIRTS WHENEVER THEY WANNA!!!! ROARRR!!!

He has only done the third action, and now see what has happened wtf. I SIMPLY CANNOT TAHAN. NEED TO HAVE SO BIG REACTION MEHHH??

Sigh. Still, no one says it better than Audi Mok. Or shall I say, no one is more qualified to delve into this matter than him. http://batdude.blogspot.com/

Side note: I've been using damn lot of caps lock lately... why huh? It seems that the older this blog gets, the more juvenile I become wtf.

I HATE

People say, count your blessings. I say, fuck that. Like that's gonna help with anything.

Therefore I say, count the things you hate!

I HATE STUDYING THINGS THAT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT

I HATE LIVING LIKE A ZOMBIE

I HATE THE ENGLISH COURSE THAT I'M TAKING RIGHT NOW (I DON'T hate English, but I'll get there if this stupid dumbfucked course pushes the buttons too much)

I HATE BEING DEPRESSED

I HATE HAVING TO DO THIS FOR 1 MORE YEAR, OR MAYBE EVEN 4 TO 5 YEARS.

I HATE THAT I DUNNO WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

I HATE BEING IN A 'SCHOLARS CLASS'

I HATE THAT THERE'LL BE 2 PTMs THIS YEAR

I HATE HIGH EXPECTATIONS

I HATE NORMS (e.g. girls should always be sweet, well-mannered and gentle wtf. I SAY FUCK THATTTT.)

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE STUDYING THINGS THAT I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT, AND HAVING TO SCORE AT THEM

I HATE THAT I'LL PROBABLY LET THEM DOWN

I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO BE WHO I WANNA BE

I HATE NOT KNOWING WHO I AM

I HATE INSECURITIES

I HATE GROWING UP TOO SOON

I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO DO WHAT I LIKE

I HATE MY INABILITY TO STAY HAPPY

I HATE PEER PRESSURE

I HATE THAT THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT I HATE

I HATE THAT THERE'S NOWHERE TO VENT ALL THESE PENT UP HATRED AND RESENTMENT

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!

RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

***
By the way, recently I discovered this blog, http://cupofbittercoffee.blogspot.com/ and a post that just really suits me right now.

Title? "UGAARRHH!!"

Content?
"UUUURRAAAAWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAAATTEEE MYY COLLEEGEEE LIFFFEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!"

With a photo that just, SAYS IT ALL.

HAHAHAHA SERIOUSLY THAT IS SO ME RIGHT NOW!!! I HAATTEEE MYY COLLEGEEE LIFFEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee TOO!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRR!!!

He's like the male version of me!!!

Except that I'm not as into heavy metal and I'm not as hardass.
HAHA. Me likey rock 'n' roll bebeh!!!

And I don't play the drums. Or any sort of musical instrument, for that matter.

And I don't have an industrial piercing.

And I haven't dyed my hair before. And I don't have a kickass girlfriend. And... blablabla..

Er... OK, so maybe he isn't the male version of me after all. Heh.

"SPITE"

I have learned a new word, and that is SPITE.

Well I've came across this word before of course... but I didn't really took the effort to 'mendalami & menghayati' the word.

Now, I have.

Just because I have done a few things purely out of fucking SPITE.

During weekends, I refuse to go out. Whether it's to the supermarket, the cinema or whatever. Just because there are always loads of homework to do. Let's not get into the I-deserve-it-cos-I'm-queen-procrastinator (therefore have to finish whole week's homework in 2 days wtf) shit ok?
So, these shit load of work dampens my mood kao2. SO, I don't wanna step out of the house out of pure spite. Sorta self punishment maybe? Perhaps this spite is directed towards myself after all.

Even when my mom wants to bring me to shop for CNY clothes... I decline. OUT OF SPITE AGAIN. BECAUSE I'M DROWNING IN STUPID WORK THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO CONCENTRATE LONG ENOUGH TO FINISH AT ONE GO. I use the whole fucking day to complete.. a quarter? Half? Three quarters? Of work. This further fucks up my mood. And I'm depressed and grumpy and bitchy therefore I unleash my bitchiness upon innocent souls wtf.

Therefore, I have lost the desire to go shopping for new clothes. OUT OF SPITE. Buy what new clothes lar... NO MOOD LOR CAN? FUCK IT. IMMA JUST GONNA WEAR CRAPPY OLD CLOTHES CANNOT AR. I DON'T CARE. HMPH.

That's what I resolved to do lor. But my mom bought some clothes anyway. Le sigh. Not in CNY mood lar.

WTF I don't even know what's the point of this post. Does it even make sense wtf.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Need I Bore You With Another Lame Title

When was my last blog post again? Oh that's right, eons ago wtf.

Well as usual there's nothing much to blog about.

-College sucks. BIG TIME.
-I'm whiny. And depressed. And depressing wtf.
-MCR kicks ass.
-Tonight, I resolved not to sleep.

And oh yeah, some people actually believed that XX went for a sex change operation? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I CANNOT TAHAN!!!
Like, WTF???
Please la people!
Use your blain use your blain~~! She clearly blogged that out of boredom/lacking of things to blog about/whatever

Haih. Is there anymore hope left for this world. With people like this.

Q: "How many sides does a triangle have?"
A1: "Damn. Four?"
A2: "There are no sides.*quick reply* One?*tentatively wtf*"

Q: "From which state did KFC come from?""
A: "What, you mean the chicken? I dunno... I really don't know.."
Q: "OK... do you know what KFC stands for?"
A: "Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

Q: "What currency does the United Kingdom use?"
A: "*shocked*...*mutters gibberish wtf*...*hyperventilates wtf*... I.. I don't even know what the United Kingdom is! Is it the Queen Elizabeth's money? That's all I know.."

Q: "Where is the Berlin Wall?"
A: ".......................... (ponders seriously)(for God-knows-how-long) Believe me, I dunno the answer to this question but I'm thinking! ...... (continue pondering)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Americans are NOT stupid!!! Ok perhaps I shouldn't laugh at people's ignorance cos I sure as hell ain't Miss-Know-It-All... but... but.. IT SURE AS HELL IS COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT THERE EXISTS PEOPLE WAYYY DUMBER THAN YOU ARE! WOOHOO!

It's true... I felt better after watching the video. HAHAHA.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Incomplete

There's actually a lot of things in my mind right now, that I wanna blog about... which is pretty rare hor -_-. College, rock band, celebrity fascination, recent Europe tour, emotional opposites... geez. I hope I don't bore myself by the middle of the post wtf.
**

First things first, tomorrow, HELL starts all over again. That thing people call college. T_T. Sure as hell it sucks. Hell, this year's gonna suck so much more than last year. Sigh. And being the depressed whiny bitch that I am, I predict that there'll be bucket loads of tears too? Well, you know things sure won't start well when I'm already being so pessimistic. LOL.
**

MCR (God, I'm in love with their "Kill All Your Friends" right now) has sparked this desire in me to FORM MY OWN FREAKING ROCK BAND. HAHAHAHA... me? This person who doesn't even know how to play a single musical instrument? (except maybe the recorder. Eons ago.) Who has the vocal range akin that of William Hung? (ok... maybe I'm not that bad? I mean, who is??) Well, it's just a current dream la.

OMG MCR has totally inspired me to just ROCK ON bebeh!!!

I wanna play the electric guitar! And the drums! And sing! HAHAHA... basically form a one man womangirl band wtf. I'm an attention whore in disguise and just wanna hog all the attention wtf.
No lah, it's cos I just plain wanna try them! Jamming the guitar! Beating the drums! Singing my heart out! OMGGGGGGGGG

I wanna go crazy on stage and just plain rock the HELL outta people!

I wanna scream like a banshee!

I wanna head bang like there's no tomorrow!


Our band's purpose would be simple : to HAVE FUN and ROCK THE WORLD!!!!

Yeah baby! *holler*


Ooo! Ooo! I'll name the band Pessismistic Optimists or something like that. Cos no matter how bitchy we are, no matter how bleak are our hopes on the future of this world, there still lies a tiny optimist in every one of us... yeah?

Or, I could name it as simply ROCK ON BABE!. And we would be known as ROB! HAHAHA...

Or, if I'm thick-skinned enough, we would be Mum Cooks Rats.. just so we can be another MCR!!! Hahahahaha.. wtf.. and prepare ourselves for the flaming we will face wtf. We'll be called posers, wannabes, fags, losers etc etc.
HAHAHAHA wtf....


In a nutshell, all I wanna do is go completely NUTS while we're performing on stage! Go wild! Let ourselves go! Let all hell break loose yeah!

I sooooooooooo wanna dive into the crowd!

Oh ya, I'll design the costumes for the band. Nyahahaha...

OMG!!! Can you feeeel what I'm feeling right now?? This aching desire!


OMG my heart aches for this to actually come true!!! When I'm fully aware that there's 99.99% that it's not gonna materialize. :(


At the end of the day, all we wanna be, are ROCK STARS.


C'mon, admit it!
**
Whoa it's already 5:40am, should I continue blogging or go to sleep?
**
K maybe I'll just blog about one more thing.
The Europe tour.
Perhaps I'll just strip it down to the essence.
- A hell lotta Europeans smoke. To keep warm during the winter perhaps? Wtf.
- Piles of shit are everywhere. Dog shit, human shit, who knows? Why isn't it like that over here? lol
- I constantly felt like a foreigner. It's like being constantly reminded that I didn't belong there.
-It was fucking cold some days, and bearably cold some days.
-Nope, didn't see any snow. Boohoo.

That's basically it wtf. The essence... brought to you by bullshit.

Imma go to sleep now.

Friday, January 04, 2008

No Title Required

I'm feeling restless. I feel like I should be doing something, but I just can't get my ass off the chair to do anything. I hate this sensation, where my heart feels like its being clenched. It feels like a rock. Heavy, very heavy. I feel suffocated. All I wanna do is rip my heart out and scream.

Why am I like this?? I don't know!!!

I haven't found what motivates me in life... anything that keeps me going. Sometimes I feel so... dead inside. Dead dead dead. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, why I'm doing it or who am I. Clueless and lost. And alone.

Hey, you know what. Those could have been song lyrics.

**
Sometimes I feel so DEAD inside...
Dead
Dead
Dead
No fucking idea what I'm doing
Why I'm doing it
Who am I?
Clueless and lost...
And alone
**

Chicken Bag

Ayam bagggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!! (copied from FA)

Bag from where? From the U and the K babe!

Well not really in the mood for cheerfulness right now cos I watched a bit of a very, very disturbing video and I shudder just thinking about it. Argh get it out off my mind!!! And it was only a few minutes that I watched before I couldn't take it anymore and deleted it. I'm horrified to think what would happen at the rest of the video. Oh my God. And I wonder how the hell did that get into my laptop in the first place??

Arghhh! Enough!

And I shoudn't be blogging right now cos I kinda sorta promised myself I would sleep by 3am today. Ah what the hell.

Oh crap. I forgot what I wanted to blog about. So I guess it's time to sleep after all wtf.

Sigh. Good morning people.