Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Hi, I'm bs and I'm a Xenophobic

Call me xenophobic if you will, I'm just not that into people. The word 'hate' might seem too harsh, but sometimes it nears there, when I'm particularly angsty or afflicted with PMS. Speaking about PMS, I seem to have been having it forever, but I haven't had my period yet. Maybe P does stands for perpetual/perennial after all, huh.

An example of my phobia occurs when relatives come to stay over. Be it for one night or week, I'll be itching for them to leave pronto. Why? Cause they'll be sleeping in my room. I feel as if that's an invasion of my privacy, as I like to be alone in my room reading, drawing or watching tv at night, till the wee hours of next morning. With the presence of another being in my space(starting to feel possessive), I instantly feel agitated and uncomfortable. Save for some rare occasions like when I'm watching Desperate Housewives, I actually hope my bro's present so we can laugh out loud together during those funny moments.

So when they're over, it's like my life is disrupted. I don't even get to lie on my bed and read in fear of 'disturbing their sleep'. I guess I'm just not a fan of changes. When I'm in a comfort zone, I plonk my ass there so hard that I don't wanna leave. That's not really a good trait. My aunt came to stay for a few days, and her 'little stay' protracted to over a week due to unforeseen circumstances. Needless to say, I was dying for her to leave.

I think, that I have adverse reactions to prolonged contact with people. Xenophobic is probably an understatement. Maybe that's why I feel as if I need to get away from my family. I'm getting sick of my father's voice. Like, real sick. I don't even wanna answer him or be near him cos when that speaking orifice of his opens, you betcha it'll be open for a long loooong time. But that's a rant for another post.

It seems, that I can't be with another person for too long or I'll just get sick of him/her. I think this happened to me and my BFF, but luckily things looked up. And now we're still BFF. If I lost a friendship just cos of my darn foible, that would really have sucked.

Ergo, I'm just not a good friend. Like that, how to be good girlfriend? Aiyoo... don't tell me I'm gonna be a virgin my whole life. Ok, I think I lost the plot there. Must be due to current state of somnolence, which is weird cos I was abnormally sleepy the whole day. Probably because of the weather (blame game).

And what IS with the fucked up weather huh? Absolutely sweltering the whole day. How long will this last? When mankind finally do something about global warming? Ok, that would be.... NEVER. Stupid heat make me sweat and reek like some pathetic lil' gym sock. The problem is, I perspire real easily, and my hormone fluctuations make me stink (at least, that's what I think). It could also be that I'm a born stinker *shrug*.

This post was actually pointless. I just missed blogging, that's all.

Friday, March 02, 2007


True happiness. That's what all of us want. That's basically our common desire. All we want is to be happy, is that really too much to ask for?

After many nights of crying myself to sleep and waking up with swollen eyes the next morning, I've concluded that to attain happiness, true fulfilling contentment, one must first achieve inner peace. One must be at peace with oneself. But how to? I fear that inner peace will forever elude me, taunt me, mock me.

To feel happy, you must be happy with yourself. Because that's the foundation of achieving more, to let other emotions flow in. Other people can't bring you down, only if you're satisfied with who you are, and what you have become. I think, this inner peace is rare, as people will always find fault in themselves, find it hard to forgive themselves and will certainly think back on past mistakes, eventually reopening old wounds. This inner equilibrium is, in my opinion, the key to living life to the fullest.

At the end of the day, other problems may be solved, can be solved no matter how insurmountable they seem. People you dislike, you may choose to ignore them but at the end of the day, you have to face yourself. It's hard to run away from yourself. It's impossible. When you look into the mirror and you see someone you loathe, there's no way that happiness will arrive.

It's hard to feel happy, to feel anything else, when all you have is self-hatred and resentment. It's literally like building an impenetrable wall around you, and all that's left is the vacillation between loneliness and numbness. And you don't know how to reach out, because you've long lost the ability to, or maybe you couldn't in the first place, and that's why you ended up in the confinement that is your empty heart.

At times, the feel of the sharp kitchen blade against your skin feels.... tempting. In your mind, you see yourself stabbing your heart with it repetitively, and all you feel is dull pain, as if you're anesthetized. You can't feel anymore, and you hate yourself even more for being so weak... so vulnerable. The path is long and seemingly forlorn and perpetual. It looks like, you're the only one on it, searching fruitlessly for a hint of bright light, unsure of how much longer you can hold on.

You know you're pathetic, when all you can do is talk to yourself about how you feel. And that doesn't help much, since your inner demon will always remind you that you built your own cell. You yearn for a comforting shoulder to cry on and you try to dream one up. In the morning, you realize it was just a pillow that you were hugging. That pillow seems like the only thing that's willing to share your endless streams of hot tears, cos you know that it wont get sick of your whining.

It's so lonely... on this path. It's so hard... growing up. It's just tiring... to live.


Happiness... where are you?