Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Till then

Meh. Don't feel like blogging anytime soon.

I also wanna go on hiatus already lah. Till when also unsure.

Till then, live life and prosper wtf.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

So this is it

Where to begin. *takes deep breath* Well I was writing a post few nights ago then there was this whole virus/scam episode and my browser couldn't even be opened for more than a sec so I gave up and it was fixed the next day thank God so now I'm writing another post cos it'll seem too disjointed to continue on the train of thought from that few nights ago. *phew*

I see that I've been missed ey, judging from the comment by Mr / Mrs Anonymous. Tell me anon, what is it that makes you come back for updates after these few weeks? What is it bout my incessant vapid ramblings that seem even remotely interesting to you? It baffles me, really it does.

As you can see, I am still alive. Yeah. Physically. Mentally and emotionally? Barely I guess. Languid would be the proper word to describe these couple of weeks. No I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like going out. I don't feel like carrying conversations or dressing up or wake up in the morning or learn how to cook. How I've been feeling is all I wanna do is lie down and read. Yeah an ideal day for me would be lying on a couch, sipping coffee from a big mug and shutting out the rest of the world while a good novel accompanies me. That's all I need right now. Except that now I don't really fancy coffee that much... well I used to, but it yellows teeth and there's that acidic aftertaste on the tongue.

Reading's good. It's akin to listening to music, where you can be totally absorbed in this medium with nary a care in the world, until the next bark of orders from your mum that is, in my case wtf. I feel that she literally barks orders wtf. So anyway, languid, lazy, bumming around, being a total appendix wtf, full time slacker etc... that's what I've been up to.

I wanted to disappear for a couple of weeks. Maybe a month. Not go online, not get out, just vanish. That's just how I felt, after finals. I wanted to be with myself, avoid the world. Can't really explain why I felt that. I sound totally inert and introvert, but hell yeah I am those right now. Not even gonna deny it. Having said that, I did go out on a few occasions, cos I didn't really have any excuse to decline did I. "Hey, wanna go out?" "Er no I can't... I'm busy staying at home being useless" Now that would sound like a pretty weak excuse wouldn't it?

Geez, I'm so hopeless at sounding even a teensy poetic. You know, I wish I had the flair for writing like pinkpau of quaintly.net, where expressing anything just seems so effortless for her. Reading her posts is just like navigating through the streets of Rome or something, turning around narrow corners, walking on brick roads, going through alleys and discovering quaint little coffee shops, never knowing what you'd find next. That's why quaintly.net is such an appropriate name for her blog wtf.

I wanted to be a writer once, or more precisely a columnist, not unlike Mary Schneider of "But Then Again" in the Star every Monday. The thing is my English teacher complimented me once, that I had a "flair for writing", and that pleased me, so I went home thinking that I really had a "flair for writing", and started conjuring dreams of becoming a writer, a journalist, a columnist and sorts. But now I see that I lack... everything. Wit, humour, skills, talent, everything. So that was that, I wasn't writer material *shrug*.

Even with my extremely slow pace of life, time seems to go by real fast, as usual. Next week results are gonna be out already. Like, holy shit. That fast? Wtf I just came home like a few weeks ago wtf. Why oh why? Can't you delay all the franticness for perhaps another week or so? Getting the results would be like the gun shot in the air signaling the start of the race. Things have to be done. Procedures. Forms. Over-enthusiasm of my parents wtf. Finding out which Uni you'll end up in. Applying for Visa. Medical check-up. AGAIN (fuck). Sigh, I just wanna put life on hold a while longer. Maybe forever wtf. Delay it, please someone delay it. I'm not ready. Don't know if I ever will be. I'm not cut out for living wtf. I'm not a do-er, in fact I'm anything but a do-er. I'm an avoider, a procrastinator, a coward, a wimp. A total wimp *vehement*. I dunno myself very well, but those I'm pretty sure bout myself by now wtf.

I used to draw. It was the only thing that I thought I was good at. But having such an impractical talent or something was well... impractical. And now having time on my hands, I haven't felt the urge to pick up a pencil and draw. No images in my head, like before. Nothing. The only thing that I felt that I was meant to do, I don't even do anymore. So where does that leave me? I wonder.

A shell. A blank. A vessel. A hollow.

I am nothing.

And, I'm pretty good at doing nothing. Just sitting and spacing out. Stoning. Yeah.