I came across some pics of me, I was turning 16. Judging from the photos, back then my skin was still smooth. Like real smooth, and rosy, no Photo shop needed. Fuck, I had really nice skin.

Now, T zone's fucked up. Blackheads. Dry. Oily. All at the same fucking time. Veins. Roughness. Bumps. Where did all the smoothness go?

A mere 3 years did that to my skin. I shudder to think what it did inside.

I feel so fucking old and jaded.

***
I wonder why is it so hard for me to fall sick.

I mean, oh sure mental illness I have, but why can't I fall physically ill?

I'm talking bout fever, barfing, sweating, pain, physically feeling like you've been run over by a fucking truck.

WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME FALL SICK!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had a fever, for God's sake.

I want a valid reason to actually lie in bed and go "Oh I'm dying I'm dying..."

A valid reason to stay in bed as long as I want, to shuffle my feet, to slouch, to not talk, to look like shit, to groan and sigh and grumble.

Selfish bitch.
***

Yesterday I think my mum was checking out my phone. Checking my messages. I walked in on her, and I didn't feel a thing. Nothing.

I think she suspects that I may be having boy problems wtf. And that's why I've been so moody lately.

Fuck man, I have been like this for so fucking long, for how many years, you notice this now?

Boy problems. Pffft. Please.

One thing about having depression is when you're having one of your episodes (possibly triggered by some incident or for no reason at all), you don't know who to turn to.

Cos frankly, everyone has their own shit to deal with and no one wants to be around a depressed person. You yourself don't want to bring them down with your shitty mood.

So, you're stuck with you and just you. You and all your degenerate thoughts, festering and consuming. And you just. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

Is it really worth it? It never really goes away. Every time it just slids away to a corner, waiting to strike again. You KNOW it'll come back.

Is life really worth the vicious cycles, the waking up to someone you hate, the mental fatigue, the tears, the swollen eyes, the crouching in corners, the languish, the suffocation, the loneliness, the feeling of being lost, the unwillingness to wake up to another day, the inability to live with yourself.

Is it worth it? You ask, time and again.

Till one day you just can't take it anymore.

***
Sometimes it feels as though your family members could have the harshest judgments of them all. It feels as though you're under their judgmental eyes all the time, maybe it's all in your head; maybe it's not.

***
Are crazy people always happy? For fuck's sake, I don't know why I'm not crazy yet.

Selfish people should never, ever start a family.

If you think you should start a family as an insurance for when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you think that you want children so that they can accompany you when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you're gonna live vicariously through your children and impose your own dreams on them, that's SELFISH.

These days all of us are selfish. People should just stop procreating and cease to exist.

Having children is not a decision to be regretted. Cos you can't undo what you've brought to this world.

PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STOP PROCREATING!!!

Don't you love that moment in shows (Korean, more likely) where in the midst of the girl rambling on how she doesn't have any good qualities, the guy tells the girl that no you're wrong, you're worth something. You're not nothing. You're eligible.

I wanna be that girl.