Monday, August 31, 2009
Does it bruise your ego?
Does it dampen your spirit and make you ask what the hell are you doing here when nobody gives a shit?
Do you relish in it cos less students means less talking?
Do you grudgingly accept the fact and just keep going?
I guess over time, lecturers just settle with grudging acceptance.
How do they get up in the morning to go to work?
Being a lecturer sucks man.
I wonder what's it like to have a totally, completely honest relationship with your parents.
As in you don't have to hide anything from them. They'd be more like your close buddies instead of authoritative figures in your life.
Like if you smoke, you won't have to hide it. You're gay, you won't hesitate to tell them. You're a cross dresser, they'll know.
You can tell them anything, and they'll understand. Or they try to. And they'll be just what you need at the moment. They'll have just the right amount of support, or firmness, or interest, or advice, or rebuttal.
Oh I wonder how would that be. Close buddies. If my parents and I weren't 40 years apart, would we be more on the same wavelength? Or would things remain the same, as it's an Asian thing wtf?
Friday, August 28, 2009
I thought, Man she must have so damn bored attending a Malaysian high school. I wonder what she told her friends back home about our school, like how intensely boring the classes can be or how useless the teachers can get.
Evidently, no one can escape the abyss of boredom that is Malaysian high school cos when she was asked to give her farewell speech, she said she did learn something, ie how to sleep in class.
HAHAHA. Yeahhh... didn't we all learn that in high school... good times good times.
Despite how mind numbing high school was sometimes or most of the time, people always ALWAYS reminisce and say, oh how I wish I could go back to those times.
Humans are just creatures like that. Including myself, even though it contained one of the most depressed periods of my life so far. I can't even count how many times I hid in the toilet stalls crying my eyeballs out.
It was hard. It was OK. It was not bad. It was nice. It was boring. It was fun. It was stupid.
It was all those things combined, and more.
Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about tuition times, even though I had to cramp into the fucking bus all sweaty and tired and hot to attend tuition all bloated and sleepy. Still there's a part of me that wants to go back.
Pffft. Silly humans. Silly emotions. I wonder why do we even exist.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
You see, when I say I'm fat, it's self realization and admitting to myself that I have indeed gained weight. And flab. It's NOT giving you permission to join in the fun and start calling me fat too. When another person calls you fat, of course you're insulted. There's no other way about it.
You may, however, note that I have gained weight. That I'm chubbier. Political correctness does matter in this case heh.
Again, me call myself fat = Okey dokey. You call me fat = you're basically calling me a pig.
Not only that you're calling me a pig, you're implying your superiority over me cos you're fucking skinny. Well guess what, you have no ass at all. Skinny doesn't count for shit if you're not healthy and fit. Yeah so I'm fat and you're bony, we are basically in the same category = UNFIT.
This is not actually directed to any specific person, I'm just trying to make a point here wtf.
Another thing you can do is, learn from a friend of mine and say that I look better after gaining weight AND say that maybe I should gain more.
HAHAHAHAHA. He could've been the biggest liar around but who cares, there's nothing more ego feeding than being told you can still afford to gain weight wtf.
(But he made the mistake of saying that he looks at my FB pics everyday, which made me go, "Er.... okayyy." That just sounded a teensy bit too stalkerish for me wtf.)
Another little story that I'm just gonna insert cos I wanna. Once at a class gathering, I mentioned to my guy classmate that my normal weight is usually 52-53 kg. He was fucking surprised. Shocked, even. WTF. Obviously I was heavier than him. Dude, that's cos you're so skinny! You're like a boy, not even a guy yet wtf. I could've just crushed him by sitting on him sigh.
Well point of that little anecdote was, don't be fucking surprised when a girl weighs over 50 kg and is heavier than you. Not every girl weighs like 42 kg ok. It doesn't show that I'm heavy, it just shows that you lack muscles wtf.
Anywayyy. Yes, I've gained weight since I came here. But I don't think I'm overweight. My BMI would still come up as being in the normal range. I think. Haha.
It's just that it doesn't bother me much anymore. Although I do have to find a way to cover up all the flab hmm...
Besides, I just LOVE eating too much to give up food for the sake of my waistline. Heck food, other than sleep and the Internet, is my biggest pastime here ok?
To me, growing acceptance of my flab signifies that there's one less thing that I hate about myself. Day by day, I'm just a little more accepting of my cellulite, thunder thighs and spare tyre (yes I know I need to exercise wtf but that's not the point of this post) and the fact that I'm not a petite person. Ah... doesn't that spell personal growth?
So you're asking. If you're so satisfied with your body now, why does it bother you that people call you fat then?
Well, baby steps ok. Baby steps. I may not be 100% satisfied, but I'm trying to get there. No one female is 100% satisfied. Geez, common knowledge people.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The thing is, I don't curse as much in person. Cos I'm a good girl like that.
No really, I curse marginally less in real life. Only marginally wtf.
But what I'm trying to get at is, even though it's typing out all the swears and being crude and vulgar on the keyboard, you gotta admit it can be a little liberating. Well this is my place to vent right.
I swear, when I was typing out the previous post, all the pent up rage at the Art Teacher, buried deep and forgotten, just surfaced and tried to burst out of my chest. Fuck! I didn't even know that I've been resenting that high school moment all these while!
Hence I lashed. Oh how I lashed.
And now, I have one less unpleasant memory buried in the recesses of my mind. One less memory from my adolescence to rant on to my therapist about. (I just know that one of these days I'll require therapy to function wtf)
Now isn't that just great?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Let's get on to business shall we.
I was gonna read this article, 'The War on Drugs is Bullshit' by VA when the title jogged my memory down memory lane. War on drugs... why does that ring a bell somehow?
Oh fuck. I remembered.
During Form 3, I had this bitchy, nasal cunt of an Art Teacher. There was this 'Kempen Anti Dadah' going on that week I think, so naturally we had to draw up an 'Anti Dadah' poster for Art class.
Huh! Drawing a fucking poster... now that shouldn't be hard right? So I went to work like an obedient student and handed in my work the following week.
WRONG. Apparently, I got the whole idea fucking wrong. Instead of an 'Anti Dadah' poster, I was supposed to draw something to the effect of saying 'I'm a poster that doesn't make fucking sense! Remind yourself of what a douche you are. Oh, and don't do drugs'.
Apparently, what the Cunt wanted was a "positive poster". Something that contained only positive images like KL Tower, KLCC and the Monorail, because oh no, you're not supposed to draw anything drug related on an 'Anti Dadah' poster, DUH.
Ok, let me pause for awhile here and let you mull over that for a minute. If you don't see a problem with that then I'd kindly ask you to go. fuck. yourself.
Let me illustrate. What the Cunt complimented was something like this:
Let me ask you, DOES THAT FUCKING MAKE SENSE YOU DIPSHIT!! ALL IT ILLUSTRATES IS THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING DOUCHE!!!
*breathes in*breathes out*
Apparent-fucking-ly, I wasn't as obedient as I thought, as I was the only one who came up with something like this (sans dialogue wtf):
(In case you can't figure out what the fuck I drew, the yellow circles were drug pills, ie the hands were throwing them into the fire HAHA. In the battlefield WTF this kid was intensely sword fighting a bad ass humanized syringe WTFFFF.)
Admittedly, it was fucking and mind-blowingly lame. But hello at least it made fucking sense bitch!
Hello the kid is actually doing some work and fighting off drugs! Why not give a round of applause to his valiant effort instead of chastising his innocent artist in front of the whole class bitch?
Fucking bitch. She showed the picture to the whole class and proceeded to blab on about how ridiculous it was. That I gave the syringe legs and hands! And eyes too! What is this?? Why does this student have some semblance of an imagination?? Why didn't she just draw turgid sky scraping penises (aka Petronas Twin Tower) like I asked the class to?
Fine, bitch. I didn't listen to your stupid instructions. But you know what you gave me in the end?
A fucking 'A'. Maybe even an 'A+'.
Fuck you, stupid bitch.
You should've been grateful I didn't draw what a real 'stay-away-from-drugs' poster should look like. Have you even seen one? Real life people with injection scars looking worse than Death itself and all that shiznit. Oh yeah you should've been grateful, the Cunt.
For all she knows, a Pro-Abstinence poster is supposed to look like this:
p/s: Granted, it may not have been her idea for us to draw a "positive poster". It could've been the collective decision of all the Art teachers or whatever... she was still a fugly cynical douche. Fuck her.
In yet another bout (more like decade) of procrastination, I'm wondering what should I get as my next tattoo.
Fuck, I have 3 tests next week, and this is what's plaguing my mind. I'm freaking itching to get another tattoo, goddammit. But as much as I wanna get inked again, I can't seem to figure out what the hell to get.
Mainly, I think it's because I don't have a discernible passion to call my own. I got my first cos well, it was more about giving tribute to the spirit of rock. Breaking rules, not kowtowing to authority, not giving a damn, being freaks of nature and still not giving a damn. And yeah inside of us all, however tiny it may be, don't we possess dreams to be a rock star? Hah.
And I thought of getting a guitar to go with it, but it would've been too big for comfort so I chickened out sigh. Plus there wasn't any design that particularly caught my eye.
This itch is not being help with the fact that my thought process is fucking all over the place.
Fast forward to the present, I'm still considering a guitar. On my right hip. Now I'm thinking, what justice will that do to me? Will I eventually learn how to play the electric guitar? I'm not a fucking rock star. What justice will that do to the tat? Years down the line, when I'm still mediocre as crap, what significance will the tat bring to me? That I once thought the electric guitar was the shiznit? Will I still feel that by then? Oh oh why not get the guitar at my back like I originally thought of? Difference is this time I won't chicken out right? Then! Then, I can save my hip for another type of tat some more!
Other than the guitar, I was thinking of getting a trail of stars embellishing my 'ROCK'. Hmm but a bit cliche right? And again, I'm not a fucking rock star. But wait a min, must I be a rock star to get that kind of tat?
I want to get an image this time, but fuck I dunno what to get! Argharghargh... a beaten down fairy? Cliche, and I'm not kinkybluefairy. It was a picture I drew some time ago... but still where to put it? Hip seems kinda wrong. Shoulder blade? Hmm but then it'll be on the same canvas with my 'ROCK'. Doesn't seem compatible either. Oh shit did I just determine the theme for my whole back with my first tat? Shit.
Just now, I thought of getting a quote. Cos dude, you can't really go wrong with quotes. BUT, I'm like not well read enough to have a quote ready that I totally can relate to and want it on my body no matter what. Fuck again. Scour the Web for an inspirational quote and call it a day? Wouldn't that be too forced? Too deliberate? I want it to come sorta natural, you know.
Then I thought of getting a Chinese quote, perhaps. So I thought of what Chinese proverbs do I still remember from my high school days, the good old '名句精华's. What came to mind was tadaaa.... '哀莫大于心死'. Man, this is so apt. I really wouldn't mind having this on my bod. Loosely translated it means, there's no bigger sorrow than being dead inside. Than losing all hope. Loosely translated la. Yeah, I can relate to that.
So should I? Where?
On my ribcage Ala Megan Fox? But damnnn that'll be painful. Way more painful than my first one.
So, should I??
Wait, that's not it. THEN, I started drawing a picture to go with the saying, a beaten down nubile naked girl wtf, actually similar to the beaten down fairy I drew years ago.
So I went on, wondering... should I put wings? Fuck that's cliche right!... but nothing says beaten down more than broken wings wtf. Again I went fuck! how many millions of people out there have angel tats I ask you? Dig deep bitch!
Hmm.. maybe I should draw a beaten down devil instead? Nothing much, just add the little tail WTF.
Fuck, I hate myself.
Wait no! This is not the end!
And for whatever reason, I began drawing mermaids. I suppose I thought that opposed to angels, mermaids are not as cliched. Besides, I've always had this fascination over mermaids. Imagine if they were real man. Beautiful creatures of the sea, living in a totally different world than ours. I also can't get over how tragic the Little Mermaid's story is.
Like, why didn't the prince fall in love with her? Why did she have to jump back into the sea and turn into foam? Granted, she could earn a soul, but that would take her what, 300 years (If I remember correctly)?? Fuck! I'll give her my soul wtf humans don't deserve it anyway.
Sigh. You see I had these story books at home. Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Rumpelstiltskin and so on. I loved the illustrations. Particularly Little Mermaid's. Cos fuck, she was damn beautiful aight! Especially the one pic where she was dancing. I still remember that her feet hurt when she walked, let alone dance. But still, she was the best dancer there. She also gave away her voice. All for the prince to fall in love with her.
But FUCK! The prince went and married the stupid princess! My God. Tragic much?? Whyyy??
Fuck. I'm so digressing.
Er, so yeah. That's how the little mermaid made such an impression on me.
Sigh. Now I still dunno what to get and have to go cook dinner.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
"But instead of manning up and attempting to actually write a better book, I did what all envious people who abandon their dreams do when they see someone succeed where they are afraid of trying: I hated on him."
Haha, man don't we all do this? If it's not hatred then it'll be freakin' jealousy or envy...
"I had bought into the system so fully, and abandoned my passion for so long, I no longer believed in it or in myself. It just didn't seem realistic that I could do it."
This totally sounds like me and drawing T_T. Sigh.
"I had been sold a lie. Life was not about going to the right schools and getting the right jobs just so I work a job I hate in order to accumulate more crap I don't want or need. That's not how life was meant to be lived. There is another way. I can be the man I want to be, I can do the things I want to do and I can live the life I want to live...I just have to stop believing the lies I have been sold, and stop caring what all those people think who don't matter, and find the courage to go out and do it."
"The only thing stopping me...is ultimately me."
Yeah. Is there anymore to say?
"But guess what? A funny thing happens when you cast off all the bullshit everyone dumps on you, and just live for yourself and follow your dreams: What it takes to get you there shows up in the finished product. When you love what you do, it shows, and people respond.""You think I had a map to get to where I am? I had no fucking idea--I was winging it the whole time. Shit, I had to INVENT A NEW LITERARY GENRE!! There are no directions to life; you have to figure most of it out on your own. You want to live a life you love, you can't do it in a paint by numbers style--you make it either because you want to free your soul or you don't."
Freeing my damn soul. That sounds oh-so-good...
Can I wing it too?
"You don't hear this from your parents or your teachers or your friends, because they never tell you the other option. You know why? It's because they don't know it exists. They tell you that to do what everyone one else is doing, they tell you that you have to get a safe job and be like all of them, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DID."
SO. FUCKING. TRUE.
"What's the alternative? If you don't live the life you want, what life are you living? A life you don't want."
"And if you don't want your life, why are you even getting up in the morning?"
Oh Tucker, man, I don't know. I really don't know.
On a slightly related note, I just wanna touch on a topic that has been touched to the DEATH: Stereotypes.
But nah, not the Chinese / Asian stereotypes.
I think I've said this before. About girl stereotypes. That oh, girls have to be soft-spoken, demure, fucking gentle, wear skirts all the time etc etc all that shit.
And you know what? The major group of people who fucking cling on to this stereotype would be parents.
Sigh. Why can't they just accept that not all girls are prude and freakishly girly? Girls cannot be vulgar one meh? Must be fucking si man one meh?
That day on MSN, my mum suddenly went, (not verbatim)
"Girl, dad say don't use wtf anymore"
WHAT THE FUCK.
The "girl wor" really made me go "......"
First of all, I don't even know where my dad saw me using 'wtf' before wtf. FB? Ah whatever. Using wtf is already like breathing for me. Even though I try not to use in the presence of my parents I guess I slipped anyway, out of habit wtf.
And then, I didn't even try to explain that my usage of wtf is just for punctuation. I'm not actually cursing also what wtf. Well the bigass red WTF above is of course, cursing (=.=). Cos I knew that she won't get it. Of course she won't. So to save energy and time, I just went, "Yea noted"
Aih. I don't even know where to go with this. I can so imagine my dad going "you're a girl you know, bla bla bla"
Why ar? Why must people perpetuate these stereotypes, especially Asians?
I don't get it. I just wanna fucking face Stereotype in the face and rip it apart with my Wolverine claws wtf.
Or, maybe I should just change my sex wtf. Get rid of my boobs and get a fucking penis. By then when I go 'wtf' what would my parents say? "You're a guy wei, don't be so vulgar lah." WTF who do I have to screw around here to earn the right to curse then?? Har har you tell me???
GAHHHHH I'm starting to ramble.
Man, I don't even wanna know how would they react when they find out bout my tat.
Getting back to Tucker's speech, I may not know what I want in life exactly, but I do know this.
I wanna be able to get inked wherever I want without worrying about my parents' reaction can! Or whether it'll affect my future employment wtf? Fuck this shit. For that matter, I don't even wanna have a job that has any stigma towards tats.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I can't believe I just spent the last half an hour? obsessing over Mariah Carey's Obsessed wtfff..
I just had this melody fucking stuck in my head and had no idea what song was that so I got obsessed trying to figure it out. I had no lyrics, no idea who's the singer, no nothing. Youtube --> Lady Gaga? Nope. Madonna wtf? Nope. Nicole Sherzinger? Noppeee. Britney Spears wtf?? Nooooo....
So I tried Googling 'top hits' wtf cos I'm pretty sure it's a current song... and when I saw Mariah Carey 'Obsessed' it fucking struck me. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! Mariah Carey give me back my youth man!!! Damn you, 'Obsessed' chorus wtf for annoyingly getting repeated in my head!!!!
Thursday, August 06, 2009
I just needed to get this off my chest.
OMG Twilight sucks like big time. Like 'Ugh-why-am-I-putting-myself-through-this-shit awful'. 'Why-am-I-still-watching-this-shit' awful. 'Oh Goddddd *pukeeeee*'. Yeah, it sucks like that.
Man, I don't even get what was all the fucking hype about? Girls went crazy over Robert Pattinson? OMG I'm sorry but I don't find him hot at all. Hello there are way hotter guys out there please... are you people blind?
The story was stupidly simple. And stupid. The acting, sub par. The dialogue... omg words cannot describe the dialogue. Puke-inducing... dumbass... mind-deflating (really I felt my already not very high IQ level decline just by listening to that shit)
Edward: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb"
Bella: "What a stupid lamb"
Edward: "What a sick, masochistic lion"
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG MY EARS!!!! MY BRAIN!!!!
If I were at the set I would've bitchslapped the fuck out of those two wtf. Was that from the novel? Oh fuck I hope not. It's so fucking stupid that it burnt a hole in my skull and unfortunately I will remember it longer than medically permissible wtf.
The only character I rooted for was probably Bella's father, the Sheriff. Just because he seems nice. And less dumb.
AND, apparently, vampires glitter when they're hit by sunlight. Bella said that's beautiful. WTF fuck you lah that's fucking pansy!!!! Vampires are not fucking Halloween glam rock costumes or handmade cards by kindergartners!!! They are not supposed to glitter! They're supposed to scream in agony when their skin burst into flames under sunlight you hear me?!
Pfffft Twilight. I went through the whole fucked up movie cos I had nothing better to do / was too bored / wanted to see what all the hooha was about. Plus, you know what they say about accidents and it being horrifying but you just can't stop looking. I mean I could have just stopped it after the first 10 minutes. But I was hoping that maybe later there was some redeeming quality in it. Well the answer was no.
Unfortunately I can't call Twilight fans douchebags cos my best friend loved it T_______T. Why oh why???? She said that Edward would appear progressively hotter throughout the movie. Another reason why I stuck through it. Once again the answer was no. Sigh I'm sorry but the only way that spastic could become hotter is if he transformed into Wentworth Miller ok?
And there's a new movie coming out... New Moon is it? Well that's one movie I'm never gonna watch even with a gun pointed at my temple wtf.
She used to be so chirpy, and happy and it was like she was capable of facing the world and doing anything. I really admired her gung-honess and spirit, but now her updates have become sparse and less... well, happy. Makes me wonder, if even such a person with great spirit could get eroded by life, is there any hope left for the rest of us?
Sometimes I wonder, what went wrong? What happened to me? Was I always like this? What did I do wrong? Heck, I'm only 19 and already numb as fuck! Is it supposed to be that way? Do we all eventually become jaded and numb?
I don't know if perhaps I have a genetic disposition to not being enthused all the time wtf, cos really, my family ain't the most cheerful bunch of all. Maybe that's why I have a tendency to get beaten down, to be overcome with melancholy. Or maybe it's just hormones and I have unusually long PMSes wtf, who knows. But that's all I've got, a bunch of "maybe"s. I don't really know.
When I'm in class, attending lectures or tutorials, it just feels that each time a little part of me dies inside. Not to sound dramatic but that's just what comes to mind. Cos really, I don't give a fuck about what I'm studying, I'm not interested whatsoever.
Yesterday, my friend and I were waiting at the bus stop, and a random lady came by with her baby. And some Caucasians (especially the older ones) just like to do what Asians would probably never do, chat with a stranger at the bus stop wtf. Anyway, blablabla and she asked my friend, "What are you planning to do in the future?" (Something like that) so friend answered "Accounting" lah.
The lady replied, "Oh, how boring ... (her tone made it sound like the most boring profession in the world, which it probably is -_-)" I sat there and just wanted to nod and say, "I couldn't agree more" emphatically.
And after that she started singing to her baby like a crazy lady. (Wtf no la just adding a pointless sentence)
In the midst of staying afloat, of just existing, it seems that my passion for reading has dwindled. I think it's not completely wiped out yet, I still imagine an afternoon of lying down and reading a book as perfectly pleasant. It's just that, when I read for leisure nowadays, I'm just too restless. As if there's something else better to do, as if I'm actually wasting my time. *Gasp* I'm sorry but I do not want to become a creature too restless for reading! *cries*
Sigh. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, my thoughts are just all over the place right now.
Oh and I also wonder, is this just a phase? Will I ever stop feeling like this? If it's just a phase, then heck it's a hell of a long phase. I've been feeling or un-feeling this way for a long longgg time, wondering when is it ever gonna stop or am I gonna go through life like sigh, this.
And you know what the saddest thing is? I don't even know what I really want to be, as opposed to being an accountant. I don't even have a specific dream that I live for, that I one day hope to achieve. I suppose I possess somewhat of a talent in drawing, but so what? So do millions of other people around. Where would that teensy bit of talent take me? FFS, there are so many others way better than me.
Once I realized that, I realized that I'm probably good for nothing then. I realized that I'm at the bottom rung of the Artistic People Hierarchy. Like, I belong with the untouchables in the hierarchy wtf.
I think that one of the reasons why I didn't really really fight to do Arts (as in threaten to run away and sleep under bridges when parents didn't let me), other than the reason that I didn't know which Arts course to take, was deep down I was afraid that I would find out during the course of my studies that I wasn't that artistically good at all.
That I would have to face the fact that all I had was very little talent, and nothing more. I was afraid of being stripped away of the one thing that made me, me. Of the one thing that I felt I was remotely good at.
And so, here I am today. Sitting in a country where my feet are almost constantly cold, putting away homework and skipping classes. There haven't been updates because there's nothing much to blog about. I haven't been thinking much at all. I think 99.9% of my brain is practically going to waste. The fact is there is so much this world could offer, but I'm just too lazy? unmotivated? apathetic? to participate.
There haven't been updates because it'll be the same old, same old 'I feel numb' stuff (kinda oxymoron wtf), and I don't wanna risk sounding like whiny old bitch. I know, I should be grateful, I should be more appreciative of all these. Heck, from a third person's vantage point, my life really isn't that bad, so what the hell are you whining about? I know, believe me I do.
I won't give excuses trying to justify my whininess, I guess I'm just a whiny person wtf. Gosh aren't you sick of the word whiny already wtf.
But I'm updating today, after reading pinkpau's post and her readers' comments and post, cos I'm reassured that I'm not alone in this. There are also people tired of life and are beaten down emotionally, although they're not 'unfortunate' in traditional terms. It's just how life operates. Life does screw everyone.
1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
Overwork? Overuse? Fuck I haven't been doing anything for the past few weeks and even so I still feel jaded wtf. How is that possible?