I is a speck of dust

Lately, I don't know why but I've been feeling sentimental and all that. Yesterday, there I was on my bed trying to sleep. Then, I remembered a magazine article about ways to sharpen your mind. One of them was try to randomly choose a year and think back on any interesting events that happened, before going to bed. Ok, I thought, easy enough, let's try that.

So, I chose 6 years ago, when I was in Standard 5. Then I started to get all nostalgic, you know, because honestly Standard 5 was one of my best years, I guess. At least that's what I think. That year was a good year..... I was reminiscing on my admirers.... hahahaha.... damn, I was popular! Ok, end gloating. And then, MCH I went waaayyy back to kindergarten, and tried to remember anything during those years as well. That was totally uncalled for. Why the heck did I do that? The article only stated ONE year.

Sheesh. From kindergarten I went on to Std 1, 2, 3 and so on and so on. At least I TRIED to recall events, but seeing that I don't have a sharp memory... vague scenes just appeared in my (blank) head. Gosh, I realised that I was so totally freaking shy. That may have improved a lil bit over the years. But I'm still quite shy eh. Some events were hilarious, some embarassing, it was like a slideshow in my head.

I wished that I could start over. Numerous "If only"s pranced about in my head, teasing me endlessly. 'If only I was more daring' 'If only I wasn't so shy' 'If only I was a born leader' etc. And that was the moment that tears welled up in my eyes. The bitter-sour feeling deep down my throat lingered. But tears didn't flow. I was a bit confused. I didn't get why I felt like crying. It was just so sudden. I was like,"OMG, WTF, where did these tears come from?"

It was probably caused by regrets. Regrets that the whole 16 years of my life had been NOTHING. There were no precious memories, nothing worth mentioning at all. Like, what did I DO all those past years??! NOTHING!!

In the end, I felt like crap and lost maybe an hour of precious sleep. MCH that stupid article.

*This has been sitting as my draft for over a week now. Lost the mood to blog abt it liao.