Tuesday, February 07, 2012

I've gotta admit, I'm in a pretty bad slump right now. It sorta started with the deterioration of my health a la dizziness and headaches, which kinda stopped me from exercising and I guess everything else just derailed from there. Apparently the wind/poison from before wasn't cleared from my body, causing all the discomfort. And after drinking the Chinese doctor's medicine and herbal drinks, I think there're still some inside, just taunting me like some merciless jackass. Just some moments ago, I was having a headache and had to rely on Panadol once again for the pain to subside.

Sigh. What the fuck. It's true when you don't have your health, you ain't got shit. I would probably have to live with this condition for fuck-knows-how-long, meaning I'd probably be the face of the demotivated for fuck-knows-how-long. I know I should start exercising again, I know I should do something to get myself out of this rut, I know that only I can help myself. You see I know all these, but goddamn it's so fucking hard to get yourself to do anything when you constantly feel like a piece of shit!

One thought has been consistently popping up everyday during this period of non-living. "When can I die?" Actually it's in Cantonese... "Gei si sei dak ar?" Pathetic, I know. It's not even like I'm devising ways to hurt myself, it's more like I'm just hoping that I'll drop dead any second wtf. I've lost the will to live and I'm not even motivated enough to end my own life wtfff. I didn't realise how ridiculous that sounded till I actually typed it out wtf.

I sent a CNY card to my friend and in it I wrote these exact words, "Without hope, dreams or beliefs, life wouldn't be worth living! So don't stop dreaming!" I've no idea what's the dream now. How do you rediscover your dreams? Your hopes? That burning passion in your heart? No matter how stupid or dumb they may have been?

Sigh. It's OK. I'm pretty sure that this too will pass. Someday.

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