Monday, November 13, 2006

Random Thoughts

I want to rant I want to rant I want to rant.

I've gotta get all these thoughts out of my system or else I just can't/wont concentrate.

Dear freaking bloggie,

I dislocated my patela or kneecap or sth today! Man, I really felt sth shifted and pain ensued. It was more painful when I bent my leg so I just sat there, not really knowing what to do. I thought of straightening it really fast, like in the movies where you go 'crick crack!' and the job's done. But then I'm a coward. I was scared that my legs would fly off or my tibia would pop out...

So there I was bloggie, feeling oh-so-helpless. Scenes of my taking SPM in the hospital appeared in my head. Damn knee, sth has always been wrong with my right knee, it was my creaking knee. Probably the result of squatting in the toilet. I was trying to stay calm, and brave, so I waited for my mother to come down to maybe bring me to her chiropractor.

In the midst of breaking down, I said to my bro,"sth dislocated!" Well he looked concerned for a while bloggie, but that bugger didn't believe me when he saw that I was holding on to my knee! What he said was,"tch, can dislocate one meh?" WTF? I'm like, asking for your help here and you dismiss me like that? And he went on with his business... man, NOBODY takes me seriously in this house...

Now I'm thinking, if only it were more obvious, like sth sticking out at a weird angle or ath like that, not only would it be cool, people would actually believe me. Frightening and traumatising, yes, but still COOL.....

OK OK.... so in the end I straightened my leg slowly and it just moved back in place. Really! I felt it move! Phew! Luckily no surgery was required!

Message of the story: I'm nothing but a speck of dust to my family.

I've been not wanting to care abt future SPM results but seeing how much my friends have been panicking, I sorta feel guilty for not caring... And my friends, they have plans of what to do after SPM, what to study and all that... but me? I feel like such a loser. Bleah.

Not to say I've given up but, I just want this whole ordeal to be over and done with. The freaking AGONYYYY! Actually I think the most torturous days are the few before the exam, where D-Day seems so close yet so far. There's the worries, there's the fumbling, there's the blanking out. And there's some sort of anticipation. For all this to be over. OMG AAAAAgony!!! ('A' must be said as if you're constipated)

And... and thatstupiduselesspatheticexcuseforasubject Sejarah! ARGHHHH Driving me up the wall!! Sejarah is a worm that bores through your brain sadistically, turning mine into more of a mush than it already is... It brainwashes you! fklskdf;lskd;flk;sldkf;slkd;fsk (mouth foaming) FUCK SEJARAH! SEJARAH ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Anyone who likes Sejarah are asswipes. Period.

I wanna say, stop caring so much people! If my results sucked, I'm pretty sure my parents would be more kan cheong than me, thus affecting me too, cos I'm so darn easily affected by their opinions and moods. Arghhh frus betul! I'm surrounded by all these people who... who... CARE! (for the lack of a better term)

I so wanna press the fast forward button right now. If only things were that easy...

Message of rant: Sejarah sucks the life out of you. Probably devised as a torture tool.

I envy pinkpau. Fuiyoh, that girl can write leh! Her posts are capable of evoking strong emotions, unlike mine which has a total readership of one, including me. Jealousy, envy, admiration all moulded into a sphere, resides in me every time I read her pretty pinkish blog.

I asked myself one day,"How do you know who you are?" It was one of my 'questions of life' moments. I mean, are there boundaries? Who sets the guidelines of who you can be? How do you actually discover yourself? How does one soul search? What does the phrase 'be yourself' actually mean? Since you have no idea who you are. There's no theory or principle of what you should become, right? If I put on a facade to get through the day, to deal with difficult people, it's still ME right? It's what I do. That's part of ME. Nobody is really one dimensional, right? No statements in black and white restricting what one's personality should be exists. People evolve, change through time, do they ever have an inkling on who they really are? Whatever that means.

Sigh. I'm not very good at expressing myself, am I? I realise that when I gouge out my innermost thoughts, they come out incoherent and don't make much sense. But they sure made sense when they were in my mind...

This is hard, man. It's not like I'm gonna 'discover myself' in a courier parcel from Hawaii. Maybe I'm just too young? Haven't experienced enough asam garam in my life? Yeah, maybe. When is this identity crisis phase gonna end anyway?

*Heaves a big sighhhhh.* Cis, I sigh too much.

Note to self: I'm hoping that in years to come, I'll still be blogging and I'll look back at my archives. I'm hoping that I'll cackle like a hyena when I read this one. Especially the one on Sejarah. I'm hoping that I'll mumble,"and to think that I was bothered by petty issues like these... so silly... and SPM? cis, 'wet wet water'!" *cackle cackle cackle*

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