Thursday, August 06, 2009

I just read pinkpau's blog, and can't help but to feel that I can relate to that. Granted, what a reader said in her comment was true, ie "I don’t know what you’re going through except than what you reveal here.", what we are experiencing may not be the same but what we're feeling could be similar nevertheless.

She used to be so chirpy, and happy and it was like she was capable of facing the world and doing anything. I really admired her gung-honess and spirit, but now her updates have become sparse and less... well, happy. Makes me wonder, if even such a person with great spirit could get eroded by life, is there any hope left for the rest of us?

Sometimes I wonder, what went wrong? What happened to me? Was I always like this? What did I do wrong? Heck, I'm only 19 and already numb as fuck! Is it supposed to be that way? Do we all eventually become jaded and numb?

I don't know if perhaps I have a genetic disposition to not being enthused all the time wtf, cos really, my family ain't the most cheerful bunch of all. Maybe that's why I have a tendency to get beaten down, to be overcome with melancholy. Or maybe it's just hormones and I have unusually long PMSes wtf, who knows. But that's all I've got, a bunch of "maybe"s. I don't really know.

When I'm in class, attending lectures or tutorials, it just feels that each time a little part of me dies inside. Not to sound dramatic but that's just what comes to mind. Cos really, I don't give a fuck about what I'm studying, I'm not interested whatsoever.

Yesterday, my friend and I were waiting at the bus stop, and a random lady came by with her baby. And some Caucasians (especially the older ones) just like to do what Asians would probably never do, chat with a stranger at the bus stop wtf. Anyway, blablabla and she asked my friend, "What are you planning to do in the future?" (Something like that) so friend answered "Accounting" lah.

The lady replied, "Oh, how boring ... (her tone made it sound like the most boring profession in the world, which it probably is -_-)" I sat there and just wanted to nod and say, "I couldn't agree more" emphatically.

And after that she started singing to her baby like a crazy lady. (Wtf no la just adding a pointless sentence)

In the midst of staying afloat, of just existing, it seems that my passion for reading has dwindled. I think it's not completely wiped out yet, I still imagine an afternoon of lying down and reading a book as perfectly pleasant. It's just that, when I read for leisure nowadays, I'm just too restless. As if there's something else better to do, as if I'm actually wasting my time. *Gasp* I'm sorry but I do not want to become a creature too restless for reading! *cries*

Sigh. Sorry if this post seems all over the place, my thoughts are just all over the place right now.

Oh and I also wonder, is this just a phase? Will I ever stop feeling like this? If it's just a phase, then heck it's a hell of a long phase. I've been feeling or un-feeling this way for a long longgg time, wondering when is it ever gonna stop or am I gonna go through life like sigh, this.

And you know what the saddest thing is? I don't even know what I really want to be, as opposed to being an accountant. I don't even have a specific dream that I live for, that I one day hope to achieve. I suppose I possess somewhat of a talent in drawing, but so what? So do millions of other people around. Where would that teensy bit of talent take me? FFS, there are so many others way better than me.

Once I realized that, I realized that I'm probably good for nothing then. I realized that I'm at the bottom rung of the Artistic People Hierarchy. Like, I belong with the untouchables in the hierarchy wtf.

I think that one of the reasons why I didn't really really fight to do Arts (as in threaten to run away and sleep under bridges when parents didn't let me), other than the reason that I didn't know which Arts course to take, was deep down I was afraid that I would find out during the course of my studies that I wasn't that artistically good at all.
That I would have to face the fact that all I had was very little talent, and nothing more. I was afraid of being stripped away of the one thing that made me, me. Of the one thing that I felt I was remotely good at.

And so, here I am today. Sitting in a country where my feet are almost constantly cold, putting away homework and skipping classes. There haven't been updates because there's nothing much to blog about. I haven't been thinking much at all. I think 99.9% of my brain is practically going to waste. The fact is there is so much this world could offer, but I'm just too lazy? unmotivated? apathetic? to participate.

There haven't been updates because it'll be the same old, same old 'I feel numb' stuff (kinda oxymoron wtf), and I don't wanna risk sounding like whiny old bitch. I know, I should be grateful, I should be more appreciative of all these. Heck, from a third person's vantage point, my life really isn't that bad, so what the hell are you whining about? I know, believe me I do.

I won't give excuses trying to justify my whininess, I guess I'm just a whiny person wtf. Gosh aren't you sick of the word whiny already wtf.

But I'm updating today, after reading pinkpau's post and her readers' comments and post, cos I'm reassured that I'm not alone in this. There are also people tired of life and are beaten down emotionally, although they're not 'unfortunate' in traditional terms. It's just how life operates. Life does screw everyone.

Jaded:
1. dulled or satiated by overindulgence
2. worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.
3. dissipated

Overwork? Overuse? Fuck I haven't been doing anything for the past few weeks and even so I still feel jaded wtf. How is that possible?

3 comments:

Ji Yan said...

sigh y am i feeling the sameeee. idk wat i'm doing right now..idk why i have to work for that freaking $10/hour?? i used to feel positive being here and all that, but not anymore since idk when wtf..will i be ok :( life does screw everyone.

bs said...

it's cos you really ARE PMSing wtf!!!

HeartLess-Angel said...

LOL. is everyone PMS-ing all around the world?? sad... sad...
but i do agree u are not alone. haha. i do feel the same.. =) so u have a companion~!! hehe..