Mark my words, I will finish this essay today, sleep like a mofo and start studying tomorrow.

Deal? OK deal.

If left to my own devices, I could basically just sleep all day.

My Gawd. Just do this one last essay man. One last essay... you can do it... COME ON

GAH feel like crap.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

One, I can't seem to stop the cycle of eating then falling into food comas these days.

Two, I still haven't had my bloody period.

Three, feel like I'm stuck in this pre-menstrual state which I can tell you, doesn't feel good.

Four, I still have one more essay to do.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Personal reinvention

Personal reinvention. Does that sound like something only someone older would partake in? What about the younger generation? Is it possible for us to go on a journey of personal reinvention too?

I imagine that when people think of personal reinvention, it would entail someone who has been in a rut for years, decades even. Someone burnt out and going through the motions day by day, suddenly deciding, “Fuck this shit I’m dealing with this once and for all”.

This would basically mean youngsters would not be qualified for a personal revamp because why would someone so young need to reinvent themselves anyway? Aren’t they IN the process of inventing themselves?

People tend to forget about how they were like when they were younger, about how being on the cusp of adulthood could suck so much. Memories of drowning in the sea of all the uncertainties, the worries the anxiety fade away as the years go by. Many suppress the memory of going through depression at that point in their life.

Truth is when you’re in your twenties, you’ve had enough time to develop some sort of personality and attitude, making you somewhat set in your own ways; yet your inexperience and malleability leaves potential for change.

And that is when the personal reinvention could come in.

I, personally am looking forward to a personal reinvention by way of becoming someone… lighter. Less bogged down by my own thoughts, less self conscious, and more importantly, less subservient. I have been spoon fed and obedient for the majority of my life, and it is really time for a change.

I may be over generalizing here, but I think this is mainly a problem spawning from the Asian culture. Since young, Asian children have been taught to obey and not to question. Obeying meant respect, and respect ranked high in the Asian household curriculum.

On top of that, voicing out in my house would almost always lead to a confrontational climate in my house, thus keeping quiet was pretty much my viable option to stay sane. Years have gone by till I finally realized how much I actually owe myself in thinking for myself and growing on my own.

To be honest I do not have an exact plan on how to go on this journey. All I know is that it is long overdue and it is a learning process. I just hope that I can slowly wean off the overbearing, overprotective hands of my parents and make it on my own, for real this time.

There will be no guidelines or tips here, because at the end of the day aren’t we all just learners? There is no set formula, no definite answer, just us trying our best to make the sense of things.

The romantic notion would see me packing my bags and jetting off to Europe for a self-discovering trip, and maybe I will.

We’ll see where things go.

Today, I feel inexplicably fine :)

Gotta claim victory where I can get it right heh

Last night as I lay on my bed, my mind drifted to the possibility of writing again, of becoming a columnist of some sort. As the reality of graduation draws near, thoughts like these come often nowadays, especially when all lights are out and there's only a slither of moonlight resting on the sheets. In that window before your mind thankfully succumbs to deep slumber, it ponders. Ponders about past mistakes, about the future, about possibilities.

Truth be told, I have no idea what I'm gonna do after finishing my degree. I feel like I'm long overdue for a gap year, to just take time to travel on my own and absorb experiences on my own, without being spoon fed or coddled. But that would take money... and do you think my parents would actually let me travel on my own like that?

Doesn't it suck how everything revolves around money? Don't you just feel sometimes that the foundations of capitalism and consumerism need to just crumble so that everyone can go back to basics?

The basics, the simplicity of just being. The universe has no rhyme or reason, and WE do not have a purpose for existence. Yet we go on searching high and low for that purpose, just because humans are purpose-seeking creatures. So at the end of the day, you either create your own purpose, or you'll end up searching your whole life. It is basically arbitrary. Man is condemned to be free.

Wow ok I went on a bit there about existentialism ahem.

The basics, I think for me the basics involve the written word. The beauty of the written word can be... breathtaking. Recently I discovered this blog A Gold Noise, and I've fallen in love with it. I'm glad that there are people out there who are so at ease with the written word and can be so effortlessly graceful with it. Yes good writers make it seem effortless, that they strung out beautiful sentences out of pure talent and make readers sigh internally, gratefully.

So that's how I got to thinking about having a column of my own, in a magazine or a newspaper, anywhere. Something to support my other job, an illustrator or something arts related. Which would be silly of course, by my parents' standards, cos both jobs aren't even traditionally money-making secure jobs. To them it'd be like taking a ratty rag with holes in it to cover up the holes of another shitty rag that's trying to keep the pipes from bursting WTF.

And another question pops up which is, what the hell would I write about? I have such limited life experiences and knowledge to derive from, and judging from the dearth of stuff I write about here... I don't know.

One thing's almost certain, tonight I'll probably be drifting off to the same thoughts again...

I may not look like it and I don't know when, but I think I've become a hippy at heart. I mean, I love the sun, keen to the idea of prancing around barefoot with lush ungroomed armpits lol probably topless on a beach too wtf, and I'm totally down with the idea of hugs as currency. Hugs as currency. Hyeah, that's how much of a hippy I actually am.

Maybe's it's Blogspot, but a lot of times I've felt like writing, and ended up stopping midway. I know it's probably my own inadequacies as a human being or whatever wtf, but I can't help thinking maybe it's time for Blogspot to have an extreme makeover. You know, like if it wasn't the same dark blue header facing me every time I log in.. wasn't the same white letter 'B' atop an orange blunt-edged square.. maybe I'd be more inspired to finish typing?

It's time for something more chic and sleek, blogspot. Akin to from me blogging at home on my heavy laptop to me typing away on a light, sleek notebook at a quaint coffee shop somewhere. Though by the same analogy you'll probably end up sticking with your heavy laptop, draped in layers of body fat and self loath wtf...

Boys and girls, sit down, let me tell you about my ICQ era.

I was in Form 3, if I'm not mistaken. It was during my Dark Ages. I was in pain, in the depths of depression. I felt so alone, and needed someone to talk to. For some reason it was easier to turn to strangers online than it was to talk to people around me.

Form 3, PMR year. Gosh was I that stressed over PMR? Seriously? Fucking PMR? I've no choice but to admit that I don't deal well with stress at all wtf. And to think that when I was younger, probably primary school time, some people used to ask me, either teachers or peers, do your parents give you any pressure? Like do they always ask you to study? I would think a little and go hmm... not really. As if I'm one total self-motivating bitch like that.

In retrospect, oh how naive and stupid was I. Even though my parents weren't like all whip and cane going "you better study or I'll whoop your ass", it was probably implicit "encouragement", like if you don't get good results you're a worthless piece of shit. The problem started early, it started young.

So, one day I just had the idea to go on ICQ chat rooms for some online companionship (does that sound dirty? ahem). Get that, ICQ. How fucking long ago was that omg. I was that desperate I guess.

I guess you could say I made some online friends, particularly in the #malaysia chat room. Ahhh... I was the second youngest person there that time, I was 14 for fuck's sake. I got quite addicted, one time I went on in the middle of the night after everyone at home was sleeping, I was on till 4am wtf, probably had the forum to thank too. Oh yeah I was also a member of a forum set up by the ICQ roomies. Plus, I remember I had a crush on one of the members. Who was like 15 years older than me hahaha. Oh he was a good looking old chap, who was married wtf. Huh he's probably 36 years old now, and have a couple of kids already.

Till today I still think about them sometimes. After all they were a part of my life at that point in time. And that point in time happens to be a significant point for all the bucket load of tears I went through.

Heck, I even told them about the ancient wanker... not someone I want to talk about even now. Another wanker I've come across was even more ancient, yet surprisingly fast. The first time I was lucky that he only managed to grope my hand, but it was in a totally sleazy, fast way. I walked past him and my WHOLE hand was felt up. I think it took me a few moments to realize what happened, I managed to look back at that old bastard walking away. The second time, I'm guessing it was the same person, his hand grazed against my thigh, not so much grazed but deliberately touched I guess. And by the time I realized what happened, he was already far gone crossing the damn road. Damn that dickhead's fast for his age. I imagine his daily routine is to walk about the area (it was near a tuition centre) everyday molesting school girls. I used to feel angry, but typing this now, I think I just feel sad for him. Go figure.

But I digress. That ICQ era will always be a part of my life. And there will come a time again in the future when I'll think about them once more, wondering how they're doing and all.

I'm yearning for a really good story to read, like a really REALLY good story or stories that I can totally lose myself in.

Sigh. Do you think good story tellers are getting rare these days? I don't know maybe it's just me.

And some people say if you want something but can't get it outside, just make it yourself right?

But I have no good stories to tell T_T.

I live a very mundane, repetitive, dull life. Sometimes that's good sometimes it is just soul sucking.

Last time I found a blog with good stories in it, it was Memoirs of a Korean. But it's shut down now after he broke up with his fiance T_T. And man, did he have good stories to tell. True life experiences nonetheless. I went through most, if not all, of his archived posts. Now that is what good stories gets you. Shit loads of procrastination wtf.

Why the fuck do the good blogs either go on shit long hiatus or just get shut down? Sad case, man.

I know now that no one's supposed to / capable of feeling eternal happiness, but can't my baseline mood at least not be well, moody? Wtf.

So anyway I watched a documentary this morning and cried like fuck at the violence and injustice that went on in Bahrain, thinking of all the stupid fucks ruining their countries with dictatorship and fucking greed, oppression and propaganda and shit. I mean, how do these people live with themselves? I don't get it, I really don't. Is it really worth it? Having all these blood on your hands, for the sake of staying in power? Why can't these people die?? Surely they can't live forever? But then after they die they'd probably pass their power on to another power-crazy dickhead, related or not. Wtf.

Sigh. Why must it be this way? Why can't people just see that we are all members of the human race, there's no need to discriminate based on religion, skin colour, gender, personal preferences whatsoever. Ok maybe everyone's judgmental including me wtf but exercising judgment and practicing discrimination are not really the same thing right? Discrimination involves bigotry, feelings of superiority, irrationality, disgust and most of all, hatred. Why all the hate, people?

We are all but one tiny race living on one tiny speck of Earth in the whole universe, or even galaxy. Why is it so damn hard to get our fucking shit together? If this relatively small population of beings can't even live together in harmony, I wonder how can other beings on other planets manage to. Maybe they're in the same state of chaos and dispute? Or maybe they've evolved into something much more sophisticated and capable of resolving problems peacefully. Into something much less greedy and much more intellectually equipped.

I guess we'll never quite know, given our vast distances and whatnot.

After that, I did my laundry, and went on with my daily activities, e.g. stuffing my face.

Apathy? Resignation that I can't do anything to change the ridiculous violence that goes on everywhere in the world? Both?

I was reading a post about that passion you have in you, one so intense that it hurts. It fucking hurts.

Then I remembered something.

I looked back into my posts for one that mentioned something similar. I thought it was about me missing MCR in concert so much it hurt, but it was about the aching desire I felt to form a band after attending their concert. Haha. It was that energy, the massive energy you get from the crowd that just makes you feel alive. Imagine yourself rocking out on stage, with the sea of people jumping along, moshing around, singing (or rather, shouting) the words with you... wouldn't that just make you feel so. fucking. ALIVE?

Gosh, what I would do to go back to that night again. To be jumping till my stomach ached and screaming my lungs out till I was totally out of breath. To feel that alive again. To feel that aching desire after. To have my heart ache for something that bad.

Shit man I need to start eating better and not slip into food comas all the time wtf.

Dude, I practically slept for over 10 hours yesterday and still I slept just now. Must be the food coma. Fuck this I fail as a human being!!! I'm incapable of functioning like a normal person wtffffffff

Sigh.

Do you wanna know why true happiness is so damn elusive?

Cos it doesn't exist. No one is truly happy all the time. So when you find yourself feeling the tiniest bit of happiness, you better fucking hold on to it by savouring every fucking moment till the next thing brings you down. Be it yourself, other people, your surroundings or whatever.

Why is it this way, you ask? Cos sometimes, sometimes the world plain sucks. The universe plain sucks. And it just wants to fuck with you. You can quote me on that wtf.

Sometimes, all the beautiful quotes aren't enough.

Sometimes, even beautiful, inspiring words get it wrong.

All round failure. :(

Why am I sleepy all the time????? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Wonder how the fuck do I function on a day to day basis. I'm guessing I have the health and fitness level of a 50 year old woman wtf.

Sucks even more when you feel sleepy, but lie on the bed for an hour and still can't fall asleep. What. is. up. with. that.

So annoying!!!

In theory, we should embrace the weirdness of people, as it adds colour to the spectrum of personalities out there, right? If everyone were the same, life would just be too monotonous right? (Or maybe it'd be better for you cos everyone agrees with you, feeds their own ego and thus yours at the same time)

Then why is it that when we actually meet people slightly weirder, more out of place, we reject them?

Do we need to expand our own acceptability range, or are some people just too weird to exist wtf?

Wow it really doesn't pay to look at old photos. To see how seriously fat your face has become T_T. What are some face slimming secrets that anyone can pass on to me wtf.

Is it just me, or is anyone else feeling disoriented going back to uni? I dunno, I just sorta feel out of sync, distracted.

I'm not even sure if it's the still in holiday mode thing. It never really goes away, this feeling. I know now that it never really goes away. This distracted sense of being. I never really feel that I'm in my element. Why can't the fuck I just be a robot that functions productively, efficiently, day by day? Why the fuck must I be bogged down by my stupid moods and emotions that make no sense at all? Why am I so susceptible to these feelings and thoughts that cause me to become this pathetic stupid creature? Are all these just excuses to not do stuff?

Sigh. I guess I need to learn to stop asking what's wrong with myself cos lord knows there won't be an end to that.

Day by day, I'm just haunted by my own incompetency and non-productivity...

Nothing's quite as satisfying as taking a massive, clean dump. Clean as in you can't feel anything stuck inside whereby you just can't seem to get the residual crap out wtf. Clean as in you wipe yo ass and the toilet paper comes out still white wtf.

Today... wasn't one of those days wtf. In fact I haven't had any of those super satisfying trips to the loo for quite some time already.

Apologies for being gross.

Can the stuff I type in here be more inane or what.

Seriously, need to study but googling random shit like 'best kfc in the world' instead.

What. Is. Wrong.

Mahai can't seem to study at all, and can't seem to eat right. It's like once I start eating I can't stop. Motherlord what the hell is wrong with me??? Cannot control my eating habits at all!!! The amount of crap I put into my body these days... sigh. It's a wonder that I don't crap several times a day, sometimes none at all T_T. So much go in, they have to come out right?? If not where do they go?? Probably stuck to my colon turning into toxin and getting me all fat and bloated. SIGH.

I resolve to start eating right after exams!!!! Stupid ridiculous exams stretched out for so goddamn long...

Korean dramas can be predictable and corny, yet somehow we inexplicably develop an appetite for it. Y'know, like one day you have a real hankering for a K drama and after the first episode you find that you can't actually stop wtf. You may think, nah, not really a fan... hankering? Nope no way. But that won't matter, it won't matter if you're not a fan of anything Korean, goddamnit. If for any reason you happen to catch a Korean drama in your lifetime, after that first drama you're subconsciously hooked to all the romance and tears and emoness... and that hankering will come, trust me.

And (for me at least) a Korean drama will be judged based on how hot the actors are wtf. Cos let's be honest here, that's the reason a lot of people watch them. Apart from the cinderella stories. The superficiality is one of the main attractions. Therefore I shall also remain superficial in my judgment wtf. If let's say the main actor is like not totally tear-inducingly hot, I'll be like eh please lah cannot find a hotter actor? My apologies to only slightly attractive actors. But the thing is, some actors are not hot at first sight, and their hotness requires time to shine through. BUT the plus side is, many dramas you won't be able to stop watching at the first episode so you'll be noticing their hotness anyway and your rating of the show will start increasing wtf. Ergo, all's good anyway wtf.

Wow, that was a pointless paragraph. I don't actually know where I'm going with all these.

Anyway, I guess the predictability of Korean drama plots are already notorious enough, so I don't have to go on about the love triangles, rombuses or octagons, the damsels in distress, the rich guy/poor girl scenarios, the cancers, the slow deaths, the silent suffering, the hiding the truths in order to preserve _______ , the endless tears and so on and so forth. Whoops.

In real danger of failing my subject T_T

Post-exam paper feelings: Exhausted, Tired, Hungry, Empty and Sad wtf

There's always this inexplicable emptiness after a paper, like you haven't really achieved anything. Chuck it out, next one to go. Sigh.

3 hour papers won't actually exhaust you till you're done.

One of the most insulting thing a person once said about studying accounting is that you can just have like one spreadsheet at the beginning and you're set for the whole course cos everything's pretty much the same. WTF. What fuckery is this. Truth is there's so much stuff to cover that I'd have to mind delete everything from today's paper to make space for the next's wtf.

Am a pig with no self control at all T_T

It's unfair for teens to be forced into choosing their career paths so early when they really have no idea what the fuck is it that they want. What's the alternative? Oh I don't know. The world sucks, the world's fucked up etc.

I guess some days the pointlessness of living hits hard... and today is one of those days?

Man how I hate the cold. It's annoying. It's always there. No matter how much clothes you pile on, there's always somewhere cold air can get in to annoy you. Thing is, it's not freezing cold, it's just cold enough to annoy the fuck outta me. My feet are constantly cold, so are my fingers... everything's just so uncomfortable. Fuck this shit man. And I feel as if I'm on the verge of having a headache or something? Gawd so uncomfortable. Everything's just so UNCOMFORTABLE. Having to wear a sweater all the fucking time. Sweater gets dirty from being worn all the time wtf. Pants and socks, sometimes gloves. Don't feel like moving, just feel like staring out into space.

Why the fuck do people subject themselves to these conditions. I'd prefer living in a tropical country over any seasonal country anytime wtf. London, maybe few weeks tops, then I'd get the heck outta there. New York, greatest city in the world, but if the weather starts sucking, I'd get the fuck outta there too to hide out and bask in the sun somewhere else. But of course people born in seasonal countries are used to these conditions I guess. Still, it sucks.

And the rain, oh the rain. When it rains over here, it can be the deepest parts of hell. The wind, the cold, the erratic patterns, one minute it can be just drizzling, the next it fucking pours like outta nowhere, and the next the sun comes out oooh rainbow... the fucking next it's all dark and gloomy again and the pavement's flooding wtf.

Fuck this shit man. It's not even officially winter yet.

***
Life is absurd. Deal with it. How does one deal with the absurdity of life?

Why can't people who don't wanna live just click a switch and drop dead wtf.

What is the point?

***
Things would be so much easier if I were really just a robot.

Today was just one of those days... where you ask what the hell are you doing with your life...

I wanna spend my time and energy with art and literature, not numbers and reading up on taxes and the economy :(

Shit that I don't give two fucks about, I really don't give any fuck about. I'm not saying that finance and accounting and stuff aren't important, they are, but just... let other people deal with it. It's just not for me.

What do you tell yourself when you know you went down the wrong path but you can't do anything about it.

Move the fuck along. Just, move the fuck along.

SONOFABITCHIHATETHISFUCKINGASSIGNMENT
MAHAIJUSTLETITENDPLEASEMUTHAFUCKERRRR

Oh my Gawd I'm so fucking sick of this assignment! Not even sure if what I'm doing is correct. Gawd. What fuckery is this.

Half-assing my way through it all.

Perhaps my only balance is in realizing that I can't find a balance after all.

I've spent these couple of days getting fat and flatulent on bread, jam and chocolate. And also having my period. I sorta take my period as a cue to just let myself go wtf, like I'm gonna scoff on all the comfort food I can get cos hey, I'm having my fucking period, I'm depressed, I feel like a piece of shit yadda yadda. So out the window goes my budget, my dignity, my dosage of any physical activity and so on.

You know how they say... life has endless possibilities? Well let's see, is it possible for me to teleport? Is it possible that I just quit all these crap right now, fly off to do something else AND wouldn't have to face the wrath of my family? Is it possible for me not to do any of my god forsaken assignments? Is it possible for me to snap out of depression once and for all? Is it possible for me to have naturally bigger boobs wtf? Is it possible for me to eat all the fucking cake I want, till I get fucking sick, AND not get fat without exercise wtf?

Endless possibilities my fucking ass.

So so so restless nowadays. Mind scattered everywhere. All the decisions. It's like I'm not even here. Bits and pieces of me are drifting... What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this even real or all these are just bullshit spawned from a mind looking for distractions?

FUCK THIS SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

So sick of my own thoughts. Give me Charlie Sheen's brain anytime wtf.

It's only been a month, and already several times I've found myself thinking, I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Safe to say that sentence have appeared so many times here. After so goddamn long, I still haven't gotten any stronger and that sucks. That sucks big time. Worst of all, I don't know who to turn to because I hate people in general. And how to tell? What's there to tell? It's all so... abstract. When you wanna find the words, they can't come out because they don't exist wtf. Sometimes it doesn't even seem real, and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with you why can't you just suck it up grit your teeth and move the fuck on. Plus there's the whole not wanting to dump your burdens on other people thing, cos everyone has their own issues to deal with and nobody needs more crap.

My eyes are tired. I look fugly when I cry. I wonder when can I finally tell my mum, I'm unhappy, and have been so for a very long time. And I can't remember when it all started, or how or why. Or maybe it'll come out in a long overdue scream fest with me yelling, "This! This is what I've become! So next time you want me to be grateful for being born think about THIS!!" and pointing to myself with veins popping out, face reddening and tears gushing out. Pretty sight huh.

But what can I do other that to wait it out, to let it pass. I told my friend the same thing. And it sucks that there's nothing more you can do about it.

The URL should be changed to selfhatred instead wtf.

***
Another thing I don't remember. How I ended up choosing this course. I remember being so fed up of exams after SPM, I couldn't bear the thought of doing STPM. I remember being sick of science that I didn't wanna touch anything science-related anymore. Funny thing is I miss it, even if it's just a little bit. But why accounting? Probably cos other than engineering and medicine, law or accounting were the only viable options. Some stereotypes are so fucking true. I I thought I could do this, power through something I don't like, but it's getting tougher and tougher to get to the end.

Need: a new life. New identity. To get the fuck out of here.

Man I need a drink. Alcoholic friends, wish you guys were here with me right now wtf.

What do you do when the reason you've been feeling "fine" is because everything was shoved down to be forgotten, and all that was needed to open the floodgates was a text message?

Is it wrong to just push things aside, push those goddamn feelings aside, to enable yourself to get through the days? GODDAMN FEELINGS. I HATE THE GODDAMN FEELINGS.

You see the people moving past, rushing about... and you're here, remaining stagnant.

I was fine, theoretically. But why do the littlest things manage to chip away at this facade to make me crumble again?

Somehow, I wanna pour my heart and soul into this but I'm not interested in you so why should you be interested in me.

I find myself growing more and more apathetic by the day, more and more self-absorbed. We shouldn't look into the past, but I can see that things were not peachy from a long time ago. Even so, I feel that there's a glimmer of hope for me. I think this is the advantage of youth and slowly even this will slip away if I don't do anything about it. Being young provides idealism, naivete, hope and strength. You've lost all your zest, but I'd like to think that I still have some left, even just a little to keep me going.

Why is it that when other people write stuff like this,

"Just Listen for a moment, OK? Listen, this is the important bit. If you’d felt… I felt. I was looking down on this planet. <…> And I see the suffering. And the wars. And the grab, grab, grab. And I think: Fuck Money. Fuck it. This selling. This buying. This system. Fuck the bitching world and let’s be… beautiful. Beautiful. And happy. You see?”

it's awesome, but if I were to write something like that I'd sound douchey and pretentious? Is it me?

Want: to have James Franco-like metabolism and productivity; do EVERYTHING.

How're you doing?

Goddammit what IS it about this god forsaken place that makes me eat so goddamn much???

I've GOT to get my fucking act together dammit.

Here we go again, days blending into each other, waking up to the futility of existence and so on.

Existentialism galore.

Dude, I've been back for only a week and it already feels like forever fml.

The more I do this the more I'm convinced I don't wanna do this for another year.

Another full circle has come and gone, the time to depart is nearing again. And so sleepless nights ensue... well not that I was sleeping well before this. It's the same problem that never goes away, the restless mind that lunges into overdrive as soon as the eyes are shut. I think I'm not physically exhausted enough, I have to be totally knackered at the end of the day to fall into deep, undisturbed slumber. So the problem is... I'm just spiritually exhausted?

True, I have no measurable wisdom to impart. But if I could, I would want to impart a wee bit to my little niece.

I would tell her to be happy, and not get frustrated or cry over the smallest things. Relish in your childhood, cos god knows growing up will indeed suck balls and you'll have less chance to laugh with wild abandon. If I could, I would shake some sense into her, going "Why are you crying over this?? Stop wasting your time and energy with your manipulative tears!! LIVE your goddamn life before it begins to go downhill!!"

I don't know, I guess it pains me a little to see such a young thing getting frustrated and crying so easily when in truth she doesn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. Yet. When in the future she's gonna have so much (uncountable wtf) more opportunities and reasons to sob, bawl and choke over tears.

But of course, at the end of the day she's just a toddler. Of course she won't listen to reason or understand shit if anyone tries to talk sense into her like an adult. I think everyone just has to get that into their head, that way everyone will feel better. Her grandfather launches into his typical philosophical speeches trying to teach her as if that's gonna work.

I look at her and wonder what she'll be like when she grows up. Don't we all wonder? However she turns out, I just want her to be happy and not end up disillusioned, jaded or resentful. I wish her the best.

Maybe I do have pleasant dreams, far into the night when I'm sound asleep, maybe I just don't remember them. Cos the dreams I have before waking up, are all weird, oftentimes disturbing, and none pleasant.

And now that I've woken up, I'm even more exhausted than before I fell asleep.

***
Good God I just had period shit, hard piles of shit that burst my piles wtf. But where's the period blood? All the symptoms seem to be present, fatigue, carb craving, hard deuce, bloating, although... huh there's no boob tenderness. I hate it when my body does this. Giving me all the buildup but missing the main plot. Jeez.

I really don't know how to write anymore. Too many times have I started typing only to end up logging off and adding another post to my drafts. Cos dude, there's nothing to write about. And living life uninspired has been a fact.

Today was one of those days when you try to wake up early telling yourself that you should do this and that. Only to realise that you didn't get enough sleep even though you slept relatively early last night. Still, you thought you should just stick through the sleepiness and save it for night time but failed to do so. Instead, you took a groggy nap in the afternoon and had weird dreams then woke up groggier than ever with puffy eyes. Yeah it was like that. You get me?

Sigh. See what I mean when I say I don't know how to write anymore.

Dude. I need me some mojo.

And my fucking day back. To rewind the moment when the realisation struck, "Wow I'm really not gonna accomplish anything today am I" Wtf.

Is it weird that you feel like crying, even if it's for no reason at all, thinking that it'd be cathartic?

Especially while listening to sad songs from a Korean drama. Isn't it exhausting to act in a Korean drama? There's always so much tears and frustration going on.

Sometimes when I'm having these douchey thoughts, I really wanna stop sounding so douchey in my head but I realise that I can't help it cos that's really all that I have to offer at the moment.

I don't know how to be more for you cos this is all I can offer you right now. This is all you're gonna get from me at the moment.

When I'm having these douchey thoughts, I really hate myself. I don't know how to stop them, or am I just gonna stay so damn douchey forever?

By golly this not being able to sleep immediately thing is so fucking annoying. That span between lying my head on the pillow and actually falling asleep makes me think I should be doing something, like drinking beer and eating peanuts with one leg put up on the chair, or curl someplace and cry, or go watch TV or something. So. fucking. annoying.

I should just go get some sleeping pills wtf.

I hate this shit. A little over an hour ago I was so fucking sleepy but once I actually lie on the bed I can't fall asleep. What the fuck man? Why does my mind do this to me? Go into overdrive when I need to fucking sleep. God.

I'm so fucking bored it's actually kinda hard to believe how bored I am right now.

This level of boredom should be made illegal, you know?

It's been crazy windy since yesterday. Before that, there was a day with perfect weather. Perfect, I say. It was warm and sunny, even the wind didn't chill you to the bones. Perfect for a little picnic. I should have known that one day of perfect weather meant a few later of gloomy / crazy ones. -_-

If the world is coming to an end, what with the quake in NZ and flood in Victoria all, just end faster lah without all the crazies can?

Jay!

OMG Jay was that really you?? How the fuck did you get here anyway??

So in case it was really you, and you come back, I just wanna leave you a shout out.

You're fucking awesome! I wish you all the best in everything you do, and I really loved all your artwork (not to mention your sexcapades)! Haha your comment made my day :)

I try not to complain too much over here. As much as I might sound whiny and overall pansy over here, I really try not to fill this space with complaints about the same thing over and over again. Cos I don't like hearing people complain. It gets annoying. So I don't wanna inflict myself on others too.

But sometimes, I just wanna say, I'm tired.

I have no idea why a supposedly young person like me would say that they're tired. It's not like I asked to be this way... did I?

I'm tired of this semester. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of myself.

I have no energy even though I don't do much. I just wanna take a deep sleep and not wake up, or wake up a gazillion years later. Maybe that's how long I need to recover from whatever it is that's tiring me out. Maybe that's how long it'll take for me to realize that the only thing tiring me out is in fact, myself.

To you: Am I not entitled to proclaim tiredness even though I'm only in my second year? If that makes me weak in your eyes, then yes I admit I'm fucking weak. You happy now?


There are many of us out there who, despite of all the flaws of the Government, all its screw ups, all the bad apples, still love our country.

If you ask me why, I can ramble on about the food and so on. But really, must there be a reason?

It's home. Isn't that enough?

Maybe what makes us, us is not the fact that we live in "racial harmony", not the fact that we have great food, not the fact that we have the unsexiest yet friendly accent, but that we have this unspoken, inexplicable love for our country although shit can get fucked up.

There are so many talented people with heart out there, I just wish there's a fucking gigantic sieve to sieve out all the bullcrap and leave on our grounds what's pure, sincere, brave, brilliant and hopeful.

Wishful thinking?

Fuck yes I'm still young. I still have not slept. I've essentially pulled an all-nighter!

Wtf I'm saying it as if that's really a good thing.

But still,

I procrastinated, a lot. Got distracted, a lot. Asked myself "What the fuck are you doingggg???", a lot. And finally paid the price by having to pull an all-nighter.

Those are the signs that you're still young, no?

It's been way long since the last time I've stayed up past 3am.

I sleep surprisingly early here (well, surprising to my mum that is), mainly because it is so fucking boring here. I don't know why, but it became so easy to slip into my nocturnal routine when I was back at home. Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the insomnia, maybe it was the amount of stuff to keep me occupied till the wee hours of morning.

But don't I have things to keep me occupied here too? Well, I have the Internet of course. But I already face it most of the day so more Internet till the wee hours is just not appealing.

So I sleep.

I don't wanna talk about the assignment that's keeping me up. Just because.

I just wanna be transported back to that night when my whole neighbourhood had a power failure, and there was nothing left but the silver moonlight. I went to sit on the balcony outside my room, just basking in the beauty of it all, and awed at the simple things that we take for granted. Breeze, calm, purity, basics. I never noticed the serenity that could come from a power failure, having the word failure in it yet having me believe in something quite the opposite.

I wish I had more nights like those.

For the life of me I don't know why my right hand is slightly swollen.

Has it finally happened?

Am I playing too much Freecell that my body has protested?

Is this my body's way of telling to fucking finish my assignment already and get off my ass to do something else other than face the goddamn laptop?

Oh swollen right hand, what is it... just tell me...

It's no wonder that the mind wanders especially when it's supposed to be doing something else. This moment, I'm mourning for the loss of a beloved story book.

It was the Little Mermaid. You see, my house has all these story books that I've read as a child. Cinderella, Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Rumpelstiltskin etc. And I still flip over them sometimes after all these years, cos the illustrations are fucking gorgeous. When I say fucking gorgeous, I mean FUCKING GORGEOUS.

Sigh. And I think I did the mistake of lending some of them to my friend last time. Well, she's my best friend and all but truth is she can be kinda careless/forgetful sometimes. I think the Little Mermaid was one of them, but neither she nor I can remember. But I've searched the possible places for the book to be, and I couldn't find it, so it's highly possible that I did lend it to her.

Needless to say, by the time I remembered that I lent her those books, she had already forgotten about them. So I asked her to search for them, and I got Cinderella back. Wait did I get Princess and the Pea back? Ah fuck it my memory's as lousy as hers wtf.

At the end of the day, my Little Mermaid is still nowhere to be found. :(

And the thing is, she didn't get how attached I am to these books. Fuck, I grew up reading these books. And I'm especially attached to Little Mermaid cos it's one of the books with the MOST awesomEST illustrations EVER. And cos the story is so saddd. T__________T My heart aches for my beloved childhood book.

When I asked her to look for it again cos it's sentimental and all she thought I was joking I guess, cos she dismissed me jokingly :((((. How sad. I can be such a pushover. That dismissal pretty much meant she's not gonna search for it. :((((

I reminded her quite a few times before that to find those books, and mind you when Cinderella was found, I was actually the one to find it in her house sigh. Which just goes to show how much effort she actually put in her search.

I'm not resenting her or anything. It's just, gosh she can be so scatterbrained sometimes. And how can I mention the books to her again, after so long, without sounding like a douche? Does this mean that I'll never see my Little Mermaid ever again?




Is it a bad thing to be attached to stuff? Cos things get lost. And I don't think I'll ever get to see the book again. :(

I just made myself sadder :((((((((

I don't get what's with these House of Lords people or whatever and their inability to communicate in simple, understandable English. Why must they talk in pretentious douchbaggery language? Wtf use simple English la can or not!!!

I need me some Starbucks, dim lighting, soothing music and some paper and pencil.

If I ever get a sleeve, and that's a really huge IF, Imma get mine done by Hannah Aitchison. No fucking doubt about it. I'll fly to the freakin US of A just for her.

I used to not really fancy sleeves cos I just didn't see the appeal of it. It was a bit too much, I thought. But I think it was after seeing the mermaid sleeve Hannah did that my perception changed.

It was totally amazing. A-MAZING. Right there and then, my mind was blown. I watched that last year and till now I still remember it for its sheer awesomeness. Like, holy shit those light effects on the dolphins?? What the fuck man what the fuck??

The S Word

I don't know why I find it exceptionally hard to communicate with my parents. They just make me feel stressed out, man.

And I think it's even worse when it's through SMS or online, cos I have to be extra careful with how I construct my sentences and all so that my tone won't be misconstrued as being rude or disrespectful, or annoyed. So I choose to make it as short as possible, to avoid any misunderstandings. But then again being so concise may be interpreted as another form of rudeness as well, as in 'I don't want to talk to you'. Which is actually partly true, cos I feel stressed out like that when I talk to them. Another reason would be I don't have anything to say to them.

Sigh.

So damn stressful. It's like something constricting my heart. Just this gnawing, sinking feeling.

I think I've been too obedient for too long that even speaking my mind is really hard to do now.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

******
Been kinda restless lately and I haven't had my period. Fuck this shit.

Sometimes, I really wanna provide words of wisdom and comfort, but find that I'm tongue-tied.

So I think I'd just let others do the talking.

And let you know that you're always loved :)

Snippet

So I was bored as usual, having my books in front of me as usual, and laptop too. Obviously laptop trumped books.

Anyway. Something to do when you have no idea what to surf for anymore. Just Google names of your family or friends. I have a lame, sad life I know. You don't have to remind me.

Long story short, I just found out that my dad has a Twitter account. Well, actually there's nothing really surprising about that cos I've known for some time that he has a blogspot and all. He's like an ancient mofo lurking on the precipice of Internet savvy-ness. But I digress.

He doesn't really blog, he just posts articles and whatnot's from other sites. About this interest of him. Nay, passion. Almost life-long freaking passion. (for the record, it's not anything dirty ok)

The thing is, he's been shoving this passion of his down the whole family's faces for as long as I can remember. And ageing and all only makes him more relentless in the shoving, what with old people gaining superpowers in nagging to compensate for their well, ageing and stuff. Not unlike when one of your senses bails on you and your other senses are enhanced. But I digress again.

And it's nothing bad. As a matter of fact if you're badass good at it you could be making shit loads of money.

It's just that... ok let's put it this way.

I fucking like cake. I mean, I can go batshit crazy over cake. Preferably dark chocolate and oozes dark chocolate from its belly right down to my belly.

But even with my undying love for cake, if you keep shoving it down my throat day by day, week by week, year by year, of course I'll be disgusted of it. I wouldn't even bear the sight of a piece of cake, no matter how delicious it looked, how much good it would do to me.

And that has been the case for this passion of his with me. Over the years, I have just gotten so sick of it that I wouldn't wanna get anywhere near it.

A similar thing happened to my brother I guess. My dad, has countless of times mentioned that he wanted to pursue beach surfing* when he was young but didn't have the opportunity, resources to do so. And when I say countless of times, oh fuck I mean wayyy above the normal threshold of old nagging people.

And my brother was interested in beach surfing too, he told me last time. So why didn't he do that, I asked.

"Well you know..." he looks at Dad, and proceeds to launch into the oh-so-familiar repetitive drone that we use when we imitate our parents. "beachsurfingbeachsurfingbeachsurfingbeachsurfing"

So yeah basically you can drone the interest outta people, or the disgust into them.

I guess the moral of the story here is, don't excessively impose your own interests and hopes onto people.

Especially when you're a parent.

And you have nagging superpowers that expedites with age.


*profession has been changed to protect the identities of parties involved. The real profession is of course not as cool as beach surfing.

Man, this corporate financial reporting subject is so damn douchey.

Dahlah the lecturer douchey enough, tutorial solutions don't wanna post somemore.

DAHLAH discussion questions don't post solutions that I understand la kan, the fucking financial statements also don't wanna post. How much douchier can you get???

Macibai.

Rendered

I think it's sad that I don't have anything smart, or substantial, to say here.

It's sad that I am in a university, a place of knowledge and ambition, but still I feel my brain decay and wither and shut down.

Isn't that the life of a university student, he said when I was presenting the litany of stuff to do to him... and I asked how does he remind himself why he's doing his course.

What I got was resignation. Is that what most of us must go through to get by? Through eventual resignation?

It's utterly pathetic that I'm supposedly in a place of knowledge, yet I don't feel like I'm actually learning anything.

I have nothing poetic to say here.

Have we all succumbed to learned helplessness that we just don't bother anymore.

Pork

Man I miss minced pork. Salty, spicy goodness. I miss those that my bro put in his Ma Po Tofu.

Mmm... been craving for some good minced pork for awhile now. I guess I can try cooking it myself but goddamnit for me convenience trumps savoury goodness almost everytime sigh. And if I cook it myself there's no guarantee of it being savoury at all sigh.

Home

I tell myself, only 4 more months to go... nay, technically it's 3 months plus. Just 3 months plus, c'mon that'll pass by in a jiffy, right?

It will it will it will it will...

Home. Yeah the notion of being home sounds kinda good right now. No need to think about what to have for dinner, no textbooks, no homework.

That's how stuff goes. Home sounds comforting but the last time I was there, it wasn't exactly a picnic.

So here I'll be counting down the days till Home, and when I finally get home things won't exactly be peachy either.

But right now, just right now. Home sounds fine.

When Boredom Strikes: An Endless Strike

Wow who knew that the next time would come so fast?

The main reason being that, I'm so. fucking. BORED.

Bored out of my skull, my skin. Oh God it's like I've reached a whole new level of boredom which is strange, cos nothing much has changed since the last level of boredom. Where oh where then did this excruciatingly mind-numbing, soul-sucking boredom come from???

Right now, I am the very picture of demotivated. All of the subjects I'm taking this sem are so fucking dry. I don't know what would be a wet subject but er... you get my drift. I can't even bear to go through a few sentences of any of the freaking textbooks before wandering off doing something else... which is usually nothing. Another preferred activity would be clawing my eyes out.

As you might realize by now, this site ain't gonna offer anything more than the ramblings of an ex-teenager. That's right. It's ex-teenager now. What age is 20 anyway? Not yet adult, not really teen age (unless you insist on it wtf). Limbo age. Limbage wtf.

Whatever age it is, it just serves to remind you that there are younger people out there who've already achieved so much more than you have, probably more than you ever will. Depressing, isn't it? Bah, facts of life dude.

Violentacres wrote that she thinks she's out of stories. Which is a pity, really. I remember how I got to her site. I was searching for a female Maddox haha. I wanted to know if there was a female equivalent of Maddox whose site could rival his in awesomeness. Violentacres wasn't exactly Maddox-like, but it got me hooked. Her stories, particularly those about her mother... will leave one speechless. Sigh.

Is it pathetic that I talk about these sites that I go to? Yea I think it is... I think it is. *nods slowly*

And I've mentioned this before a long time ago I think, but I miss isorule. I wish Jay didn't privatise his blog. Such a fucking entertaining blog it was. By a gay Malaysian who lives in London (if things haven't changed) nonetheless!

Ah I have no idea where this post is going. I don't have any stories to tell. Oh maybe just one.
That day I went grocery shopping, and ended up in one of the most mortifying situations one could ever end up in at the cashier.

Can you guess what it was?

Yes! You guessed it right! (Unless you guessed wrong wtf)

I didn't have enough cash to pay.

True story. I have no idea how I ended up getting over $120 worth of fucking groceries. Luckily for me, the cashier was pretty nice about it. Either she had come across doofus customers like me before, or she herself had been in the situation and completely understood. I'm just glad that she wasn't bitchy or snarky to me. Thank goodness!

I don't know if I should elaborate wtf cos it's pretty lame. I ended up having to give up two items. Well at least it wasn't half of the stuff I took right. I was like a few dollars short, including the coins I had in my purse. Yes. I stood there taking out coins and she was counting how much they added up to. Again, she was pretty nice about it. Again, thank goodness!

What was the point of telling you that? Beats me. As if I don't seem lame enough as it is. As if I don't humiliate myself enough over here. Sigh.

I'm still bored.

Can someone tell me why I'm still sleepy in class even though I had like 8 to 9 hours of sleep? I can't even wake up at 9 am these days, let alone 8. I hate morning classes.

Have I told you, that I fucking hate winter? Yeah, winter fucking sucks. People over at Malaysia would probably say oh c'mon you know how fucking hot it is here or not ma hai. Ya I know lah ma hai. I hate crawling into a fucking cold bed every night, waking up to a fucking cold morning and enduring the fucking cold outside. The fucking weight gain. Urgh. Electricity bill skyrocketing cos of heater usage. Urgh.

Sure, experiencing winter when you're from a tropical country could be alright for a few days when you're on vacation, but enduring it for fucking months just sucks balls ok. It sucks balls. Man, I don't ever wanna live in a country with four seasons wtf. I prefer just visiting places with four seasons, thank you very much. And this is just Sydney, imagine what'd happen if I were in let's say Canada wtf. I'd probably kill myself.

Man I fucking hate winter.

(Whoa I ended up sounding so whiny in this post wtf)

Why hello

Holy schmoly it's been half a year! I don't know why I don't just delete this whole thing. Perhaps I knew that one day I'd be back and come on it's kinda hard to just delete everything. Even if I really do stop altogether someday, I think I'll still leave this up. Just for the sake of it. To be an eyesore wtf.

So what brought on this sudden comeback? Ah... I don't know. Someone whose blog I read came back after 6 months too. She's been blogging on and off for 5 years, she said. Well it's been 4 years of on and off for me. Probably more, cos I deleted the previous one. I can't remember when the first one started.

People, I have no idea why all of a sudden I happen to have 3 followers. Hmm one I'm pretty sure is a spam bot or whatever, but I'm still not blocking it yet cos hey I like having more than 1 follower. Haha. Another I'm not too sure about... Moongirl. In her profile it says that she's an artist and writer living in Australia. In what unfortunate circumstances did she chance upon this thing (I don't even wanna call it a blog anymore), in what delirious state she was in to click herself into being a follower, I have no freaking idea. It's probably a mistake. *Shrug*

The other, ah hah. I've been reading you since I don't know when. If my memory serves me right, I've wished you happy birthday twice. Meaning I stumbled into your blog 2 or more years ago? Holy camoly how did time pass so fast? And the third time is coming in 2 days time. Man, just... man. I remember once when I was crying my eyeballs out in my room. You gave me a link on youtube to watch Gangster 15. Haha I never did finish watching it you know. But you said that the guy didn't kill himself in the end, so that's all I needed to know I guess.

I have not ranted in such a long time in this space goodness gracious! The need to rant suddenly struck me last night and I messaged my good friend a rambling, ranty message in the midst of trying to sleep. Who do you go to when you need to rant? That moment, I missed being able to message him anything anytime, especially in nights when I couldn't sleep. It could just be lyrics to a song, nonsensical stuff, anything. It was like I had unlimited credit. No I don't think we could ever go back to those times anymore. It would be kinda like opening old wounds? But nah, not as painful as that. It's just that we've moved past that I guess.

A kick in the butt. A fucking kick in the butt. Most of the time, that's what I need I guess. I should really use my own advice. My dear friend and I, we're an ocean apart but we're basically dealing with the same core issues. We're stuck. Stuck. Self-inflicted or not. I type out these pep-talky messages, trying to comfort and provide support, but at the same time I feel like such a phony cos I don't even use my own advice. Such a big fat phony. Hmm this the first time I'm admitting here that I'm a phony, and you know what comes to mind? That dude in movies with man boobs wearing that brown corporate suit and red striped tie and carrying that briefcase. That dude that screams phony. Or maybe he just screams fat. I think I may have been watching too many shows lately.

Oh talking about shows. There's this latest guilty pleasure of mine. It's Hung. It's like watching porn with character development and a plot. When the first boob scene made it's appearance, I wondered wow do they really show this on TV? And when more revealing, steamy scenes came on, I was like wtf they really show this on freaking TV? Incredulity ensued. Cos where I come from, those scenes would be cut right off. And all that's left would be an OK show. A pimp that can be annoying sometimes and a man whore that needs to get his house fixed. Yes the sex scenes make it so much better. Oh I feel dirty just typing about it wtf. Oh and when the first vagina made its appearance, I was even more like Oh you gotta be kidding me!! This is what that's shown on TV these days?! Or maybe Ive just been watching the wrong TV shows? Ah.

Enough about that ahem. I know you're interested, so just go download the show already aight. Moving on, I wanna mention the super manly Old Spice guy! Quite an ingenious ad campaign! Just youtube old spice and you can watch him respond to questions in the funniest, most random way. "Monocle smile!" Simply, hilarious. That deep, soothing voice of his and the way he says Hello. Love it!

I think that's it for now people. Till next time? I don't know when the next time will be. And my Internet connection is beyond fucked up now I'm just waiting for it to connect so I can click Publish Post goddamnit. Since it's still disconnected, perhaps I can just mention that I watched the Notebook just now and wtf I cried like a baby in the end. Does love like that even exist I ask you? When old Noah lost old Allie and she was screaming for people to come... heart wrenching. Sniff.

I came across some pics of me, I was turning 16. Judging from the photos, back then my skin was still smooth. Like real smooth, and rosy, no Photo shop needed. Fuck, I had really nice skin.

Now, T zone's fucked up. Blackheads. Dry. Oily. All at the same fucking time. Veins. Roughness. Bumps. Where did all the smoothness go?

A mere 3 years did that to my skin. I shudder to think what it did inside.

I feel so fucking old and jaded.

***
I wonder why is it so hard for me to fall sick.

I mean, oh sure mental illness I have, but why can't I fall physically ill?

I'm talking bout fever, barfing, sweating, pain, physically feeling like you've been run over by a fucking truck.

WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME FALL SICK!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had a fever, for God's sake.

I want a valid reason to actually lie in bed and go "Oh I'm dying I'm dying..."

A valid reason to stay in bed as long as I want, to shuffle my feet, to slouch, to not talk, to look like shit, to groan and sigh and grumble.

Selfish bitch.
***

Yesterday I think my mum was checking out my phone. Checking my messages. I walked in on her, and I didn't feel a thing. Nothing.

I think she suspects that I may be having boy problems wtf. And that's why I've been so moody lately.

Fuck man, I have been like this for so fucking long, for how many years, you notice this now?

Boy problems. Pffft. Please.

One thing about having depression is when you're having one of your episodes (possibly triggered by some incident or for no reason at all), you don't know who to turn to.

Cos frankly, everyone has their own shit to deal with and no one wants to be around a depressed person. You yourself don't want to bring them down with your shitty mood.

So, you're stuck with you and just you. You and all your degenerate thoughts, festering and consuming. And you just. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

Is it really worth it? It never really goes away. Every time it just slids away to a corner, waiting to strike again. You KNOW it'll come back.

Is life really worth the vicious cycles, the waking up to someone you hate, the mental fatigue, the tears, the swollen eyes, the crouching in corners, the languish, the suffocation, the loneliness, the feeling of being lost, the unwillingness to wake up to another day, the inability to live with yourself.

Is it worth it? You ask, time and again.

Till one day you just can't take it anymore.

***
Sometimes it feels as though your family members could have the harshest judgments of them all. It feels as though you're under their judgmental eyes all the time, maybe it's all in your head; maybe it's not.

***
Are crazy people always happy? For fuck's sake, I don't know why I'm not crazy yet.

Selfish people should never, ever start a family.

If you think you should start a family as an insurance for when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you think that you want children so that they can accompany you when you get old, that's SELFISH.

If you're gonna live vicariously through your children and impose your own dreams on them, that's SELFISH.

These days all of us are selfish. People should just stop procreating and cease to exist.

Having children is not a decision to be regretted. Cos you can't undo what you've brought to this world.

PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STOP PROCREATING!!!

Don't you love that moment in shows (Korean, more likely) where in the midst of the girl rambling on how she doesn't have any good qualities, the guy tells the girl that no you're wrong, you're worth something. You're not nothing. You're eligible.

I wanna be that girl.

OMG my sense of direction is fucking fail.

It's below the level that's necessary to survive wtf.

So either I get a GPS system or... die.

Do you ever find yourself wondering...

what constitutes a friend?

Fuck pubes! What the hell do they do anyway?

I should totally shave my pubes off.

Sorry if I disgust you.

What is with me?

Why do I keep hoping for a heavily tattooed guy to whisk me away in his car to a mountaintop, where there will only be silence, the stars and us.

Oh heavily tattooed guy, will you ever appear? Or are you just gonna remain as a figment of my imagination forever?

心跳的感觉... 真的存在吗？

Chronicles of Narnia... Not

What is this? Chronicles of me learning how to drive?

Indeed... this is what this site has become wtf. So I can recap on all the mistakes I did and learn. If anybody's still reading this shit, you'll have to SUFFERRRR.

So, 4th time. New stuff: going into a roundabout.

Recap!

• Change gear often. "Cannot be lazy!!!!" (Ok maybe he didn't say it with so many exclamation marks but c'mon, for a beginner behind the wheel, EVERYTHING is amplified. Whether you learn from your mistakes, that's another thing wtf)
• Hill. I think I'm getting a little better at this. Still, what I drove on ain't as steep as the test's one so have to work on it some more. Then remember, "Sustain!! SUSTAIN!!!" (Ok this one not really amplified, basically he's imploring for me to sustain the gear then press the gas)
• Stop the time, even when on level ground, safer to use hand brake. Cos I'm still a noob. Stop on a slope, use hand brake lah duh. And pull hand brake hard enough. Then do the stupid hill thingy again.
• Stop. Look around for cars. Get ready to move, react fast. Got car, wait till it just passes then can start moving already ok! Janganlah lambat-lambat, then forever got car coming and cannot move wtf.
• Roundabout! I've learned that I dunno shit about sticking to my lane lol. Huh lane? What lane? Wtf. Shall illustrate this later.
• LOOK AROUND FOR FUCKING CARS DUH. Cos I'll be trying to focus on what I gotta do and seem to forget/ ignore/ don't care that there are in fact other cars moving around and I could in fact be banging one of them if I ain't careful.

Mahai. So many points to recap.

And the nagging, oh the nagging. I mean I'm sorry he has to nag so much cos basically I'm the one causing it but sometimes just wanna tune the drone out ya know.

Illustration time!


























Sorry bout the cheesy title, am finally going through the last HP book, which is surprisingly griping.

So basically I didn't even know which lane to go to , after going into the right lane, and turning round a few times to get the feel of it. My dad was asking me to turn into one of the roads, I just turned. No signal, no driving to the left lane, no nothing. Should've checked side mirrors and all, made sure it was safe to turn, signalled to the left, react fast and went into the left lane. Stick to your fucking lane. Undang should've learned this right but hell that was long ago and in theory of course easier to remember lah, got diagram for you to see some more. "Oh which way should Kereta A go blablabla."

Then another sticking to your lane scenario. Me noob lah. Walao what I learned at Undang like flew out the window after passing the Undang test.



So here my dad asked me to turn right, then I turned into the right lane, thought he meant do what the pink-crossed line shows lah. Sigh I know right. It's like I know nothing bout traffic rules or whatever. Huh traffic rules? What's that? Wtf.














That's basically it, I guess. What I learned today. Maybe he's bringing me out again after wards.

Not so scared of it anymore, but still not liking it either. Rather avoid it as much as I can wtf.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

More often than not, I scour blogs for posts that are contemplative and make you ponder, cos other people just seem to express those same feelings better than I ever will.

I think a part of me just hopes that one day one of them will chance upon the secret of life, or something like that.

And we can all share the knowledge and stop being lost.

You're asking me why I stay in my room most of the time?

HAIYA to avoid you people la duh!!! I rather die of congested air or something than facing the stress of dealing with you people wtf.

Emm okay. So I had my third driving lesson with my dad just now.

I guess it's getting better... hey at least I'm not crying now right? So that's what you may call progress.

I have yet to master multi tasking wtf... there's a lapse of attention the moment I change gear and have to steer at the same time.

And then the slope thing. Balance point (G spot, whatever you wanna call it), release hand brake... need practice for this to be smooth smooth smooth... Mind you it was just a teensy little slope. Test the time need to drive on hill sumore wtf. Practice I guess, nothing but practice.

Stalled a few times. Erm at least I went to the 5th gear this time. Just to get the hang of changing gears. Somehow I have this problem changing to 3rd gear wtf. Noob, I am.

And my steering is a bit off haha wtf. Cannot turn sharp corners smoothly yet. A bit slow.

So, recap:
- Multi task. Eyes on road at all time! (Wtf I don't even look at the mirrors. Okay must develop habit of looking) Feel the gears baby... Feeeeeeeeel it!
- Get the hang of steering. Hands on correct position... if not kena marah lol.
- Get the hang of slope thing.
- Get the hang of changing gears (ESPECIALLY 3rd gear). Know when to change. And to what. (When you slow down do you go to neutral and brake? Or you downshift. Instinct is to downshift but a little search on the Internet says it's better to go neutral and brake cos downshifting wears out the clutch. And clutch is more expensive to replace than brake. Tell me, people who drive.)
- No panicking of course. Panicking doesn't do anybody good. But me noob, still get nervous one.

Okay this is only my third time. I shall get better at this. Practice makes perfect right! And if all else fails, there's always the option of bribing wtfff... but parents won't do that :(. Okay what the fuck am I talking about I haven't even had my official driving lessons and I'm thinking bout the test already. =.=

And now my back aches a little wtf. Damn driving is tiring! Or maybe it's cos of my tension huhu wtf.

Erkbye.

Man, it's just stressful being around my parents.

I've learned that the way to survive in this household is to be as inconspicuous as possible. Just stay out of harm's way. And just shut the fuck up.

It's a self-preservation technique I've picked up. To save oneself from the frustration, and stress.

I mean. Dude, sure I love my parents. I care about them and all that. But hell they cause me a lot of STRESS!!!.

Whoa those basic HTML stuff learnt at school didn't go to waste after all wtf.

Holy crap why is learning how to drive so scary T______________T

I now understand why my bro drove at 20-30kmph when he first got his license wtf.

Holy shit HOWWWWW I DON'T WANNA LEARN BUT CANNOT DON'T LEARN WHO CAN SAVE ME WTFFFFF I'M SCARED SHITLESSSSSSS TOMORROW HAVE TO LEARN AGAIN GAAAAHHHHHHHHH HELP ME I DON'T WANNA WAKE UP T____________T

SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH

Seriously.

You know what happened today?

I got home right. Seemingly normal. Suddenly it hit me. Like out of nowhere. This urge.

TO CRY LIKE A MOFO.

NO KIDDING.

I WENT UP TO MY ROOM TO CRY!!! AND SUPPRESS THE URGE TO CRY.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

CRY EVERYDAY AS LONG AS I'M LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE??

WHAT IF I NEVER GET GOOD AT IT??

WHAT IF I FAIL AT IT FOREVER AND EVER????

I'LL CRY?? IS THAT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN??? I'LL CRYYY?????





T________________________________________T


I sound like a pathetic wimp but I NEED A FREAKING PLACE TO VENT TO REVEAL HOW TRULY SCARED I AM WTF AND WEAK I KNOW I KNOW!

I dunno what to feel right now. I'm down. Dreading tomorrow. Dreading what comes next.

为什么人总是一定要做自己不想做的东西？

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now but I have these images in my head.

Of stars, of vast fields, of engulfing darkness, of tranquility.

Of writing, of inspiration, of swirling vortex, of pulsating calmness.

I'm so goddamn sleepy right now

but all I'm doing is being vague.

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan


Haha. Tell me about it, Ronald.


***
My top time-wasting sites:
youtube, Cracked, blogspot wtf (as in all the blogs I read)

And today, I think another site has joined this category: listverse.com

Damnit.


***
From Top 10 Modern Human Addictions:

#10 Laziness (Ahhh the chord couldn't have been more struck)
"Anything which involves effort is often repulsive to these people; who will always find ways not to bother; and can lead to them deliberately turning down opportunities for the sake of the quiet and the mundane."

Oh my God this sounds totally like me LOL.

Nothing new today. Totally wasted the whole day doing nothing again.

But anyway. Just now I had a tummy ache and the next thing I know shit was blasting out of my a-hole like it was a fire hose and the toilet bowl was a house on fire.

It was the kind of one-off diarrhoea session where you get nauseated and you feel like you're gonna puke any second. And you contemplate, if you really do puke are you gonna do it on the floor? Or are you gonna get off the toilet seat and barf into the bowl like you should, with your unwiped exposed ass hanging in the air like a mofo.

Yeah, it was that kind of crap. Ya get what I mean?

To spare you the suspense, I ended up not puking. These sessions are always riddled with fake forecasts of regurgitation.

But the question of the day is, why doesn't diarrhoea work like barfing? You know, cos as I remember after barfing you instantly feel wayyy better like wow you miraculously recovered from whatever shit you were suffering from. You feel lighter. (Wow maybe I should become bulimic wtf). Anyway I can't remember when was the last time I barfed but I sorta recall after-barfing effects as being that way. Correct me if I'm wrong.

The opposite goes for diarrhoea, cos after the first blast you don't feel instant relief. Oh no. No no no... you feel more pain. More nausea, and maybe a bit dizzy, and to top all that your asshole burns. Oh hell yeah it fucking burns. As though it was a nest of fire ants or something.

And the more you crap the more you feel like 'Oh God I'm gonna die... God help me...'

It'll only be some time after which you'll feel better enough to crawl back to your bed and in my case, go back to trawling the Internet wtf.

With your shithole still burning like nobody's business.

At least that's how it usually goes for me. Maybe it's different for you cos you shit rainbows or something. Holy crap if you do, do share the details!

Damn. I end this post with this note: if only diarrhoea were more like barfing, you know what I mean?

You know you have no reason to wake up in the morning when you... well, just don't wanna get out of bed.

Today I feel in need of a cry session and a big tub of chocolate ice cream.

Rant

Seriously, I'm all for going back home and all but...

I wonder how to explain to mah parents when this sem's results end up way shittier than last sem's?

=/.

And you people wonder why I appear offline most of the time wtf. When I chat with my parents, they sureeeeee will end up asking about studies one. SUREEEEEEE ONE! *high pitched voice*

Sigh how ar.

Use the old "my dog ate my homework" excuse?

=.=

If I were to be honest, I could just say, "Seriously, can't you get that I'm just a lazy old bum? I'm fucking lazier than your everyday sloth, I don't give in the effort required, seriously I don't even try anymore, I don't attend lectures anymore, and if attendance weren't marked for tutorials I may have skipped even more classes, I don't start on assignments till the last last minute (yes mum, I DILLY-DALLY a lot), I take zero interest in what I'm supposed to learn, I look like crap and do a crap job at being a good student. Well basically I'm all of the things that you two would show contempt towards."

"Don't you judge me."

Ok fine, judge. Judge me with all that judgmental laser eyes and mind you want. Inside you there's a small voice reprimanding for being such a lousy ass bitch and you're thinking you're better than me. And by saying that I'm judging YOU. Cos at the end of the day we are all in fact fucking judgmental people.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I didn't bathe today.

MAHAI finish your goddamn assignments la can or not diuuuuuuuuuuuu... Fuck this shit

s;dljfjjrpjknfldfgprjgpjrsglfmngpojseptojdfl;gjdfxpocjghpeosrjtpdf;jgz;

I continue to amaze myself with my ability to waste time in the most useless fashion ever, especially when there's more pressing stuff to deal with.

Fuck am I even more useless than Magibon?

Only found out bout her today and all I can say is, wtf anything is possible in this world man...

Anything.

Didn't do a single shit today.

QC is... so... addictive...

I'm reading a webcomic.










I'm officially a dork.

One of the worst creepy crawlies violation of all time:

Having a cockroach crawling on your thigh when you're in the shower.

Fuck this shit.

Do you wonder why people hate you so much cockroach? Do you? WELL IT'S CAUSE YOU FUCKING TRAUMATIZE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM FEEL VIOLATED.

Don't forget, you have 'COCK' in your name. Sheesh no wonder you're such a dickhead.

OK? Clear enough?

And now that you're dead, cockroach, let that serve as a warning to your fellow buddies not to mess with a girl's bath time.

**

If magic really exists and spells could work, a really useful one would be "ROACHA BEGONE! AH!"

Or, "ASSIGNMENTO BEGONE AH!"

**

So apart from a vermin episode where I almost beat it to death with my underwear wtf, the weekend was the usual blend of procrastination, being distracted by the Internet, sleep and uber laziness.

At the risk of sounding like a radio DJ,

So how was your weekend?

What

"I asked myself today, why do I sit here? why do I sit here and listen to the same song again and again, play the same fucking card game over and over again. and then I realize that this is how I deal. I shut down most of my brain, leaving it to only perform menial tasks. no room for thought, no room for pain. and I realize I do this more and more often. until I am but a stupid person."

- by skyler @ claudia

This strikes the fucking chord.

Isn't it ironic...

don't you think?

That I can spend hours on end, well practically all my conscious hours, reading Cracked.com articles, yet when I read the fucking encyclopedia of a legal textbook I can't even manage past a few minutes wtf.

FML.